The White House has accused its critics of helping Al Qaeda. Aren’t you getting tired of the Bush White House’s “us or them” mentality and… Oh, wait. Obama is president. I keep forgetting that because he’s so useless.

Anyway, here’s what Obama’s National Security Adviser John Brennan said:

“Critics of Osama help Obama… wait, did I mix that one up. Which one uses lefty talking points to rile up its base? Oh, both do? Well, I still think they’re pretty different. So stop criticizing the Barack one has it helps the bin Laden one… well not on the issue of global warming. That’s where Osama and Obama are one and the same… I mean Obama and Osama.”

Anyway, Brennan ridiculed the notion that terrorists are some huge threat because they’re not one hundred feet tall. True, but the giant robots they’re working on probably are. Which is why I keep saying we need our own giant robots… and probably space lasers. Anyone against developing those is basically a terrorist supporter. I’m looking at you Barack “Giant Robots Are Infeasible And How Did You Get in Here?” Obama.

First Lady Michelle Obama has found her cause: fat kids.

She even released this statement:

“Gah! I hate fat kids! And there are so many of them these days, waddling around everywhere. They’re disgusting! And they’re stupid, too; how do you learn anything with your head constantly in in a bag of Doritos? Fat, stupid children — I hate them! I want them gone!”

We here at IMAO certainly share the first lady’s sentiment. Childhood obesity is perhaps the number one problem facing America as all these fat kids are upsetting the earth’s orbit and could cause us to plunge into the sun. Plus no one wants to look at them. So what do we do?

Here are some of the solutions Michelle Obama has outlined:

* Wear Scary Masks and Chase Them: Numerous, numerous scientific studies show that children can burn lots of calories when fleeing in terror, so any time you see a fat kids, scare them and chase after them.

* Take Away Their Junk Food: Not as easy as it sounds as fat kids can easily get a death grip on their sweets with their chubby little fingers. You may have to shake them.

* Yelling at Them: Yelling things at them like “Fatty Fatty Fat-Fat!” will make them cry, and crying has also been shown to burn calories.

* Throw Them in the Ocean: Swimming is a great workout, so a great idea is to tell fat kids you’re taking them for ice cream then lead them to the end of a dock and throw them in the ocean. Of course, this could make Aquaman angry as he’ll be like, “Why are you throwing fat kids in my ocean!”

* Have Them Work in Underground Mines: Michelle Obama’s ultimate solution is to use fat kids as forced labor in places like coal mines where they can get exercise and there is very little for them to eat. As she says, it’s either that or deport them all to Mexico so she doesn’t have to look at them.

Remember what Smokey the Obama says: “Only you can prevent kids from being disgusting and fat.”