Archive of entries posted on 15th February 2010

Getting monkeys in your hair

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Anne Lamott, liberal author and activist, had an article in the L.A. Times yesterday that told about her getting a monkey caught in her hair. Really. (Tip: Ann Althouse)

I’m doing fairly well for a grandmother who had a monkey tangled up in her hair last month on a ghat in Varanasi at sunset. Back home again now, I can report that in the midst of the zap that is India, with its heartbreaking, gorgeous, hallucinatory, dazzling, kaleidoscopic, mind-blowing grandeur and loud reality — a place where having a monkey’s hand trapped in your dreadlocks is pretty par for the course — I came to three decisions about my own country.

Told you. She had a monkey caught in her hair.

Oh, her three decisions?

  1. Keep her “humor and good nature”
  2. Forgive John Edwards
  3. Trust Obama

Okay, the first two could just as easily be accomplished by converting to Christianity. You don’t need a monkey for that. I’ve checked.

The third? Trusting Obama? Apparently you need a monkey for that.

I can’t say that, though, because I’m a conservative. It would be racist to use “monkey” and “Obama” in the same essay, much less the same sentence. However, if I was some dreadlock-wearing 50-something from San Francisco, I could get away with it.

But I’d have to worry about getting monkeys in my hair.

US Popular Overseas – To Make Fun Of

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According to a new Gallup poll, 51% of Americans think that the US is now viewed favorably overseas, thanks to Obama’s election in 2008.

Turns out 51% of Americans are dead ass wrong.

True, I’m basing this on so little evidence that it would make a climate scientist blush (wait… are Ferengi capable of blushing?), but you have to admit that it IS visually compelling.

Some floats from Germany’s “Rose Monday” parade (big ol’ hat tip to Laurie for these):

A carnival float shows US president Barack Obama and Iran’s President Ahmadinejad with a Trojan horse and an atomic bomb… The international community fears that Tehran is using the guise of a civilian nuclear program to develope atomic weapons something Iran denies.

Effigies of US President Barack Obama and Chinese Prime Minister Hu Jintao are seen sitting together in a bed on a float… The float satirically illustrates the ties between the USA and China.

A carnival float depicting a flying U.S. President Obama angel who landed on his head… Words on tunic reads ‘Obama the Redeemer’.

Fools dressed as the statue of Liberty and Uncle Sam under the theme ‘Jeck we can’, that means, ‘as foolish as we can’

Yeah, they’re just respecting the crap out of us over there.

Thanks, Barack.

Still, in the interests of fairness, I gotta admit the Krauts at least had the stones to take a potshot at the Islamo-wackos, too, so I’ll throw them some High Praise! for this one:

A carnival float representing an Islamic militant with a sword [being bitten by a jester’s head with a hat reading “humor & satire”]… The words on the float read ‘he who laughs last…’.

[Here’s a link to more Rose Monday pics. Some not safe for work, and some – like the giant naked Frau Merkel – not safe for anyone without a gallon of eye bleach handy.]

IMAO Reader Theater: “The Drowning Dutch, Final”

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K T Cat of The Scratching Post presents: “The Drowning Dutch, Final”

[reference link]


[YouTube direct link]

Take a hippie-punch at fame by creating your own IMAO-worthy video at Xtranormal (“If you can type, you can make movies“). Send a link to harvolson-at-gmail.com and I’ll give it a look. If it isn’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and it doesn’t suck too terribly bad, I’ll post it and let the readers throw roses and/or tomatoes at you.

More People Would Be Against Liberals If They Knew About Them

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Here’s the problem with us railing against liberals (check the “Survey says!” link): No one knows about them. Liberals can point to Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck and call them extremists, but if we point to Keith Olbermann in response, no one knows who we’re talking about. Liberals are such a bunch of fringe weirdos, so most people don’t know about them unless they try and seek them out, i.e., they’re known only to wonks and not the general public. So, unless we elect a bunch of liberals and make them impossible to avoid — like now — it’s hard to get the average American that worked up about them.

Here’s Keith Olbermann responding to the question, “If you speak the truth no one else does every night, how come you have such a small audience?”:

My Tryout for Being Obama’s Twitterer

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The president is looking for a new ghost twitterer. I humble submit myself. I think I could do a good job and be very presidential. Here some examples of tweets I could do perfectly capturing Obama’s voice on Twitter:

SHUT UP!!! I”M VERY SMART!!!!1111!!!

RT link 2 my speech and win free pardon.

i am not just transcribing tweets from my teleprompter! shut up!!!

let me b clear: afm234k$%2@fjJA#$$

today i bought sum arugula. nom nom nom

WE HALF TO PASS HELTHCARE NOW!!! Y U ALL SO STOOPID?!!!

i worry about global warming. and rathni, a disease that only affect unicorns.

reply 2 this if u dem that need me campaign for u.

why no replies? i good campaignor!

I DO NOT HAVE DUMBO EARS!!!! YOU ARE MEEN!!!!111!!!

foreign dignitaries often wear funny hats. so hard not 2 laff!

i have all ur monies which i will spend on arugulas. lol!

The Best Way to Support Liberals Is to Send Them Home

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Here’s a little of Bill Maher’s stand up where he does the tired old “only I really support the troops because I want to send them home” shtick. Liberals have a really odd attitude towards the military. They’re sort of this abstraction as it seems most don’t even know anyone in the military, and they alternate characterize the military men ad brutal thugs or have this really patronizing attitude that they’re dumb babies in need of rescuing.

Anyway, I sometimes wonder if our troops over in Iraq and Afghanistan say lots of patronizing things about douchebag liberals.

“You know, if people really supported Bill Maher, they’d make sure he never went on TV so he wouldn’t publicly embarrass himself. If we just put him in front of a broken camera and had someone every so often walk by, pat him on the head and say, ‘You’re very smart and clever!’ he’d be much happier.”

Random Thoughts

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There are two types of Winter Olympic sports: Curling and crap I don’t watch.

Oh, I guess there’s a third: Stuff with guns in it.

Someone once asked me what are the rules to curling. There are none. It’s pure chaos with brooms.

Curling is a sport where women are actually at an advantage since they’re more used to sweeping.

You may think I’m overhyping curling, but that is not possible.

Let’s put it this way, if you don’t like curling, I want to see your birth certificate to prove you’re an American citizen.

Did you like Miracle on Ice? Imagine ten times that excitement every match. That’s curling.

Curling is fun for the whole family — if you’re a family of rabid grizzly bears! It’s that badass!

I can’t take We Are the World seriously. It’s just over indulgent treacle for all the stars involved and looks like a parody.

Nike is branching out and releasing its own brand of laxatives. Slogan: “Just poo it.”

They should add guns events other than skiing. Think how challenging it would be to hit targets after spinning around in figure skating.

“Oooooh Canada… You’re kinda just there…”

Canada is great if you’re not quite ready to be an American and need training wheels.

So is the Winter Olympics the elitist Olympics, since lots of poor countries don’t have snowy winters?

I’m sorry, but country names shouldn’t have an “and” in them. Be one or the other.

Maybe France and Germany can combine into one country called France and Germany.

Finland sounds like it should be the birthplace of Aquaman.

Shouldn’t by now they’ve changed the name of “Great Britain” to “Britain.”

Israel is who I root for after America since them winning pisses off the most people. That’s what competitive sports is about.

That’s kinda cool that Canada is openly going for the largest medal count. I’m proud of our little brother.

How much do I have to donate to never be subjected to that We Are the World song again?

You’d think that any competition involving guns would be dominated by Americans, since it has to be a headache to practice elsewhere.

I love it when the Olympics is basically, “Believe me; some people would find this exciting.”

The proper way to greet a luge competitor is to use your hand to make an ‘L’ on your forehead and then shout, “Luuuuuuger!”

They have a documentary of Biden’s motorcade. It’s called Death Race 2000.