I thought it would be appropriate to dig Frank J’s “Know Thy Enemy: Canada” out of the archives so that it can be enjoyed by a new generation of IMAO readers.
And also by the old generation, who, sadly, is afflicted with Alzheimer’s and completely forgot they read this in 2004.
Canada always seemed to be too inconsequential to be an enemy, but I sent my crack research staff to find out what they can about Canada to see for sure if our neighbor to the north can be trusted.
FUN FACTS ABOUT CANADA
* Canada was originally populated by peoples loyal to Britain and dumb people who just got lost.
* Canada is still technically owned by England and has to dance for them when commanded.
* That happens usually three times a year.
* The border between U.S. and Canada is the longest unprotected border in the world. There are plans to mine it, set up video cameras all along it, and not tell Canada for a new Fox special called When Americans Are Bastards.
* It is rumored Canada has its own military. Their most powerful weapon is the telephone with which they can call America and say, “Help! We’re being invaded, eh!”
* Canadians are almost as genetically similar to humans as the chimpanzee.
* Was originally called Cana, but, since everyone there said, “I live in Cana, duuuuh,” the name Canada eventually stuck.
* For the same reasons, it will eventually be known as Canadada.
* Their national symbol is the most evil of leafs, the Maple Leaf, a.k.a. Satan’s Palm.
* In a fight between Aquaman and a maple leaf… actually, a maple leaf is even too lame for Aquaman. Our national symbol, the bald eagle, would whup Aquaman’s ass, though.
* Canadians pretend to be peaceful, but more Canadians are murdered in Canada every year than any other country.
* Canada modeled their currency after ours just to annoy us when we accidentally get useless Canadian trinkets in change instead of hard American currency.
* Canada has a picture of a queen on their money to show their contempt for democracy.
* A large minority of Canadians speak French, and they boss around the rest of the Canadians. Bossed around by French-speaking people – that’s so pathetic I can’t even imagine it.
* Canadians think they are superior to Americans. The rational basis for this is unknown.
* Canada holds up a sham democracy to try and be accepted by the civilized world, but in fact all real decisions are made by their moose overlord.
* It’s a myth that the normal way a Canadian says “about” is so that it rhymes with “boot”. It just happens that a lot of Canadians are retarded.
* The northern area of Canada is technically God-forsaken. If anyone there has a prayer, he or she first has to mail it to an American priest for God to hear it.
* Most of the prayers involve hockey and are promptly ignored.
* If a Canadian ever tries to express an opinion about America, hit him on the head with a rolled up newspaper while shouting, “No!” You have to catch them in the act or they’ll never learn.
* Canada has gone its entire history without doing anything of note, something almost unheard of for a country its size.
* Canada has become an entry point for terrorists which has caused Canada’s boring index to decrease slightly.
* Canada doesn’t have all the beliefs in liberty and freedom of speech that we have. So, if you have to go to Canada, make sure to bring a gun to help them recognize.
* Canada is so defective that it loses gravity for six hours every month.
* Canada has no known industry. It’s believed all their income comes from sales of syrup and hockey tickets.
* Canadians have universal healthcare. The way they afford it is making people wait so long that most die before seeing a doctor.
* Canadians are completely harmless, but don’t assume someone who is wearing a hockey mask is Canadian. The people at Crystal Lake made that mistake and, well, it was messy.
* Canadians don’t have any nuclear missiles because we decided they are not mature enough for them. Maybe when they’re older.
* Canadians have national gun registration. While solving no crime, the excessive amount of money the initiative has taken has foiled Canada’s evil schemes to make mutant snow monkeys.
* If ever attacked by a Canadian… well… beat the crap out of him. What? You can’t take a Canadian? What kind of pansy are you?
* This list would be classified as a hate crime in Canada.
* Actually, most Canadians who read this list would just say, “Eh?”
Vice President Bidenda
