First Lady Michelle Obama has found her cause: fat kids.
She even released this statement:
“Gah! I hate fat kids! And there are so many of them these days, waddling around everywhere. They’re disgusting! And they’re stupid, too; how do you learn anything with your head constantly in in a bag of Doritos? Fat, stupid children — I hate them! I want them gone!”
We here at IMAO certainly share the first lady’s sentiment. Childhood obesity is perhaps the number one problem facing America as all these fat kids are upsetting the earth’s orbit and could cause us to plunge into the sun. Plus no one wants to look at them. So what do we do?
Here are some of the solutions Michelle Obama has outlined:
* Wear Scary Masks and Chase Them: Numerous, numerous scientific studies show that children can burn lots of calories when fleeing in terror, so any time you see a fat kids, scare them and chase after them.
* Take Away Their Junk Food: Not as easy as it sounds as fat kids can easily get a death grip on their sweets with their chubby little fingers. You may have to shake them.
* Yelling at Them: Yelling things at them like “Fatty Fatty Fat-Fat!” will make them cry, and crying has also been shown to burn calories.
* Throw Them in the Ocean: Swimming is a great workout, so a great idea is to tell fat kids you’re taking them for ice cream then lead them to the end of a dock and throw them in the ocean. Of course, this could make Aquaman angry as he’ll be like, “Why are you throwing fat kids in my ocean!”
* Have Them Work in Underground Mines: Michelle Obama’s ultimate solution is to use fat kids as forced labor in places like coal mines where they can get exercise and there is very little for them to eat. As she says, it’s either that or deport them all to Mexico so she doesn’t have to look at them.
Remember what Smokey the Obama says: “Only you can prevent kids from being disgusting and fat.”
You can’t throw fat kids into the ocean! Think of the resulting sea level rise! Combine that with all these global warmings and you’ve got yourself a recipe for disaster.
BTW, the the underground mines idea is a pretty good one. Look to Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom for a good working model.
I bet the First wookie was one of those Fatty, Fatty, fat, fats growing up that was picked on unmercifully and that why she hate hate fat kids.
Not to worry – when Barry finishes heaping debt on the fat little brats they’ll be living on air and rainwater.
Why would Worf need a mask?
“Fatty Fatty Fat-Fat!”
Oh, great. Now I’m laughing and can’t work.
* Send the pudgy lardasses out to shovel snow in their PJ’s. Shivering burns lots of calories.
* If you have a walk-in freezer, make them break-out some meat in their underwear.
* Instead of ice cream, offer them a dessert cup of crusty, warm mayonnaise.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doritos ?
Obama and Science! says fat kids are a national security threat. Imagine how much explosive a splodey guy can fit in a fat kid disguise.
I’ve always made fun of fat kids! Yea me!
Less fat kids could translate to less fat adults; I’m okay with that.
I thought Michelle would like fat kids, she looks like she could eat a whole one.
They need to eat less soul food.
I’m just sayin’, Michelle.
Having a Mom like Michelle is how a kid develops an eating disorder.
Usually I find I like being friends with fat guys. If you can put up with that funny smell and the loud breathing they are usually easy going and free of pretense. Even chubby boys are hilarious.
*Note: Fat younger females are typically the exact opposite!
Michelle Obama’s ‘Let’s Move’ Initiative is to stuff the fat kids in a U-Haul trailer, and move them to Ethiopia and Sudan.
Since like half of the
bastardskids in the country are fed by the government, how about they just cut food stamps in half….half as much food = half as much weight, problem solved. If these people are so “poor”…why do we constantly hear how they eat at McDonalds and that’s why they’re fat…I thought poor meant having no money?….oh that’s right, they get cash back from their FOOD stamp cards so they can buydrugs…cigarettes….booze….guns…..better food, the government thinks of everything!I know this is kind of like satire, but I actually like most of the ideas in the article.
@NO_MO_BAMA: What’s even more ridiculous than the fact that the fattest people are called “poor” is that they’re called “hungry”. Many of them receive free school lunches because of their “hunger”.
Will there be a point where someone actually points out to Michelle that her/his butt is actually really fat, so maybe she shouldn’t be picking on fat people…because she is one? Or is everyone just too afraid of Michelle?
BTW: You know you’re really fat and ugly when the best compliment they can come up with for you is that your arms are really toned.
Why in Gods name would that Buttugly Sheboon need a mask anyway?
So will Michelle be going after Michael Moore now? THERE’s a fat kid for ya!
U.S. pulls airport full body scanners after Muslims object to their use.
So as not to waste money, Attorney general Eric Holder has agreed to allow Michelle Obama to use the scanners as part of her battle against childhood obesity. The full body scanners will be deployed in grade schools to check fat children for hidden candy bars and other unhealthy snacks.