It was a horrific scene. Dead polar bears lying in their own blood all over the Arctic. They were viciously murdered, but by whom? “What’s the evidence?” Detective Ian Competent asked.
“It was pretty brutal,” Officer Johnson said. “They were all viciously murdered. Some were even strangled with their own intestines. And no evidence of who did it… besides a note left on the scene that says, ‘I, Donald Rumsfeld, killed all these polar bears because I was bored.'”
“Baffling,” the detective said, looking over the scene. “We’ll have to bring in a scientist to help find out what happened.”
A man in a white lab coat hurried over to them. “It is I, Professor Science!, here to use Science! to answer any questions you may have!”
“So can you figure out what killed these polar bears?” the detective asked.
“Science! can determine the answer to any question! Observe!” Professor Science! took out a beaker containing a clear liquid and a test tube holding another clear liquid. “See. Both these liquids are clear. But look what happens when I combine them.” Professor Science! poured the test tube into the beaker, and the liquid turned purple.
“It’s magic!” Officer Johnson exclaimed, shaking in fear.
“No! It is Science!” Professor Science! exclaimed. “By pouring one chemical into the other, I have caused them to combine into a new molecule that reflects light differently, thus the change in color!”
“But what does it mean?” the detective demanded.
“Don’t rush it; give Science! time to settle!” Professor Science! stared long and hard at the liquid. “What the Science! is telling me is… Global Warming killed the polar bears!”
“I knew it!” the detective shouted. He turned to Officer Johnson. “Round up anyone who is emitting carbon and send them to federal prison!”
“Don’t they need trials first?” Officer Johnson asked.
“Not when Science! has already told us their guilt,” the detective answered.
“The work of Science! is done here!” Professor Science! hurried off, his white lab coat fluttering behind him.
Stop plagiarizing the real world, Frank.
When only two remain, can we call them bipolar bears?
Why wasn’t the answer “Fred Thompson”?
Donald Bearsfelled. Get the man many Rums.
I never knew Donald Rumsfeld was related to Global Warming. Nah. Global Warming is too wimpy.
Reminds me of the old Batman TV show when Batman found a bowl of alphabet soup, poured it ino the Batcomputer, and it spelled out the bad guy’s plans. Them global warming guys must be using the Batcomputer.
Science! should be able to match up Mr. Rumsfeld’s teeth to the bite marks on the polar bears.
Yeah – the return of the Rumsfeld Strangler! My favorite character in all literature.
I hope he brought something home for Chomps to nosh.
i’m guessing the only reason we have to read this is Xtranormal doesn’t allow three characters?
Absolute poppycock Professor Science!! It’s obvious to anyone with half a brain that these noble beasts were done in by…the Canadians! Obviously frustrated by their lack of gold medals at the Winter Olympics and without a reliable supply of Harp seal pups at this time of the year, they never the less surged forth from their snow bound towns and villages like a cold front from Siberia, guns, clubs and skinning knives at the ready, and looking for something to kill. Their beady eyes red with pent up hatred, they naturally took out their frustrations on the most available animals around….the polar bears. The poor polar bears stood less of a chance then a Wright whale in a Japanese whaler’s harpoon sights. So now that you know all the facts you can call this case (which I call the case of the hacked up dead bears) closed…S. Holms, detective extraordinaire, London, England. PS: Officer Johnson must be a bigger moron than Inspector Lestrade.
Det. Ian Competent was soon promoted to regional supervisor, Detroit TSA.
Great post!
Now bring back Kotoichi, the blind samurai, and have him come to the aid of the president of Toyota, dishonored by being called before Congress. (for fifty bu).
I will not jump to any conclusions until I know where officer Wooten and Sarah Palin were.
Given the video evidence: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxis7YIQ
I’d have to say it was the lack of parachutes.
I know what really killed the Polar Bears.
Sarah Palin did. With her bare hands!
A good thing too! If she didn’t have Polar Bears to take out her rage on, she might go after Liberals and RINOs. Uh, on second thought . . . SAVE THE POLAR BEARS!
Yay!!! Dead giant weasels!