We may be all focused on election issues right now, but beyond silly politics we have to remember the important fact that there are still people out there who want Americans dead. To highlight that point, bombs were mailed out Friday. They were stopped, but what if they had been delivered? Then citizens would have to be dealing with suspicious packages on their own. To help with that, I had my crack research staff find out all they could about suspicious packages so everyone can be more prepared in the future.
FUN FACTS ABOUT SUSPICIOUS PACKAGES
* Suspicious packages date all the way back to ancient times with enemies would mail each other saber-toothed tigers.
* Just remember, the package is even more suspicious of you.
* Don’t be suspicious of a package just because it’s in a dark box. That’s racist.
* Just because the package contains a bomb doesn’t mean it’s suspicious. Check your Amazon account to make sure you didn’t order a bomb while you were drunk.
* Don’t rush to open a suspicious package just because it says, “Free Candy!” on the outside. Then again, don’t wait too long because it might be a type of candy that could spoil.
* If you have a suspicious package, call the police and have them open it. You can also do that if you have a normal looking package that you’re just too lazy to open.
* If you hear a ticking sound coming from a suspicious package, open it immediately because Cogsworth could be trapped inside!
* If the package is from Yemen and doesn’t contain a bomb, that’s actually pretty suspicious.
* Shake any package you receive really really hard before opening to subdue any angry squirrels that might be packed inside.
* Be suspicious of any package with wires sticking out of it… unless you ordered a bunch of wires from Radio Shack. In that case, you’re the weirdo to be suspicious of.
* In battle between Aquaman and a suspicious package, Aquaman knows to be suspicious of any package since he doesn’t really have any friends who send him anything and the only packages he ever receives are traps from Black Manta. Then again, this latest package says, “Free Candy!” on it…
* Be suspicious of any package with white powder on it. Try tasting the powder; if it tastes sweet, it’s okay. If it tastes anthraxy, that could be trouble.
* If you’re mailing a package that you accidentally made suspicious looking, write, “Not a bomb!” on the outside to help out the recipient.
* Even if a suspicious package has a bomb in it, if it was sent cross country by UPS it’s most likely too smashed up to be operative.
Know your terminology when reporting to authorities: “getting bombed” is not the same as “getting bombs.”
So what if the package contains Ishtar? or Gili?
The truth is, while all Democrats are certainly suspicious, not all packages are.
In a similar vein, when pointing out the package to authorities you say “That is the suspicious package” and not “It’s da bomb!”
Barney Frank is thought to be behind most suspicious packages.
I can’t believe I just wrote that.
What if the package contains one dozen starving, crazed weasels?
Who in the Sam Hill orders toner form Yemen? That is suspicous. I order my toner from Kuwait.
Liberal blog report: the current plot is that Rove/Cheney/ the RNCdid it to distract from the elections.
* If you’re a male and believe “good things come in small packages,” you’re probably a dwarf – or a dweeb. Have your pecker checked.
* Opening a small package containing 200 million antimatter atoms on the head of a pin would probably ruin your morning. Refuse delivery of it or change its ‘To’ address and give it to your ex.
* Don’t accept anything sent from Canada. They don’t make anything there and Canada itself is suspicious.
If you do mail a bomb, don’t have them put “Fragile” on the outside or it will be like totally smashed by the time it arrives…
Let’s see, I need a new toner cartridge. I can buy a new one from HP or hey, they have these really really cheap ones from Yemen. Yea, that’s the ticket! I’m buying toner cartridges from Yemen! I wonder if I can like buy anything bigger from Yemen? Like a Mainframe?
I am not a fan of genocide but I wouldnt mind a little less traffic. Hey looks like AlQaeda has been working on it for awhile
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/africaandindianocean/algeria/4287469/Black-Death-kills-al-Qaeda-operatives-in-Algeria.html
Yes, but Napolitano and the Obama administration are all over it. Someone tried to send a bomb through FedEx, so their immediate “the government must do something” reaction is to molest more airline passengers. I must admit I’m not really seeing the connection between a FedEx package and people trying to board a plane…so, the Obama administration is either brilliant beyond my comprehension, mentally retarded or simply willing to use any “crisis” to infringe upon more of our rights. I’m leaning toward a combination of the latter two.
#10 – shiggz,
do you suppose they were trying to ‘weaponize’ the plague, or just not real keen on personal hygiene?