Archive of entries posted on 4th November 2010

Some People Are in Need of Basic Freedom Classes

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So San Francisco has passed a law banning Happy Meals. It’s like some cities are completely befuddled by this whole concept of liberty. For instance, we also have New York City banning transfats and salt. I don’t know where people got the idea that the government is supposed to be push people around and tell them what to eat, but they didn’t get it from America. Maybe to teach these people a lesson we should take away one of their essential freedoms – THE FREEDOM TO NOT BE FIRED OUT OF A CANNON INTO THE OCEAN!

We’re supposed to have lots of different viewpoints in America, but we don’t need people who don’t like freedom. They can live in the ocean. Or Europe.

Not Done Yet with Bob Etheridge

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We still don’t know exactly how many seats the Republicans have gained in the House as some are still being counted, and one that was counted they’re still going after: Renee Ellmers win over Bob “Who are you?!” Etheridge. The vote margin could be small enough to trigger a recount so Ellmers may need our support as Etheridge tries to strangle out a few more votes. Hopefully Bob Etheridge can be defeated for good soon. Some politicians are arrogant and out of touch, but Bob Etheridge is arrogant and TOUCHES WAY TOO MUCH!

Expect dirty tricks, as usual. A legal defense fund for Ellmers should start up soon, but for now contributions to her campaign will help fund the staff needed.

Time to Work and Build an Even Bigger Majority

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Now that Republicans have a huge majority in the House, they need to work to expand on it and one day stomp out all Democrats and make them extinct. Then they go into books about extinct things next to dinosaurs, and maybe the dinosaurs will eat them. That’s what you get for being socialist!

Now, Republicans can’t just do anything they want — yet — as Democrats still control the Senate and the presidency. That means at first the Republicans will have to compromise some. Like, for instance, instead of making it policy that hippies should be set on fire and beaten with a stick, change it so that they’re only set on fire.

I am not a RINO! I am just trying to be politically realistic!

And Republicans will need to do lots of tricks to get things done with Obama still as president. Luckily, he is arrogant and stupid making him easy to trick.

OBAMA: “I signed the bill sending those billions to Democrat districts for pork. Thanks for passing it.”

GOP: “Oh. We thought that money was supposed to go towards giant robots.”

OBAMA: “No! It was supposed to be more wasteful spending to show my contempt for America!”

GOP: “Well, we must have got our wires crossed because we already spent the money on giant robots with big American flags on them.”

OBAMA: “I don’t want that! I only want wasteful things! Stop the construction of those awesome robots!”

GOP: “Too late. They’re already attacking Iran.”

OBAMA: “Grr. Well, at least you passed my wife’s idea of making a Healthy Eating Day.”

GOP: “Oh… that’s what it was supposed to be? We made it Nacho Day instead.”

OBAMA: “But nachos aren’t healthy! They’ll lead to more fat kids! Michelle hates fat kids! She spends most her day screaming about how much she hates them!”

MICHELLE: “Barry! Why are there a bunch of fat kids out the window burning me in effigy!”

GOP: “Because it’s Nacho Day!”

See, it’s like obstructionism, but with robots and nachos. Then people learn how awesome Republicans are and want to elect even more.

So, GOP, if you need help figuring out what to do, just hire me as a consultant. I am very expensive.

Random Thoughts

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So it looks like Raul Labrador won in my district. That’s another Hispanic Republican if anyone is keeping track of that sort of thing.

2012 will be the last presidential election I won’t be constitutionally eligible for.

Democrats will have to work hard screaming “Racist!” at everyone who disagrees with them if they expect to make things up in 2012.

RINOs don’t win in the primary and crazy don’t win in the general, so let’s try and find someone in between.

So Florida is now like crazy red. Must have been my influence while I lived there.

Do RINOs get any blame for the crazy con candidates?

Advice for Democrats: Have you tried whining?

Clinton was able to cruise Republican victories to reelection. I don’t think Obama is smart enough to do that.

I guess you could say Obama is not humble enough to do that, but that’s part of not being smart enough.

So going with the car metaphor, Republicans beat up Obama, took the keys, and threw him in the ditch. And they threw their Slurpees in his face.

I think I’m already done gloating and gone straight to waiting for the GOP to hugely disappoint me.

Idea for entirety of GOP response to next SOTU: “Shut up; no one cares.” I see Chris Christie delivering that.

Raising taxes on the rich should help the economy because everyone will be like, “Yay! The rich are paying more taxes!”

Really happy about Renee Ellmers. I’m sure she’ll do a great job for North Carolina and be less violent about being asked questions.

If you look at Obama as a kamikaze, he was somewhat successful.

With the new people California put in charge, they should really turn things arou… Oh.

WSJ’s Best of the Web quoted my “Republicans suck” column again today, because it was that awesome.

If I knew the SCOTUS was going to be talking video games, I should have gotten myself hired as a consultant.

Don’t want to get ahead as it’ll take some time to see what kind of politician she’ll be, but Buttercup will be eligible to be prez for 2048.

Got lost and got a speeding ticket today… which is weird because I thought I was going lost person slow.

I believe that’s my first speeding ticket in… hurm… 15 years of driving.

Now that I have a kid, it’s obviously time to get a quick access gun safe for beside the bed. Recommendations?

So did we crush the spirits of the NRSC, or will they now develop an even more virulent form of RINO?

Job well done

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Nancy Pelosi summed up her term as Speaker of the House: “Job well done.”

No, really. She actually said that:

“We believe we did the right thing, and we worked very hard in our campaigns to convey that to the American people,” she said. “Nine and a half percent unemployment is a very eclipsing event. If people don’t have a job, they’re not too interested in how you intend for them to have a job. They want to see results.”

Asked to assess her tenure, Pelosi quickly answered, “Job well done.”

See? You thought I made that up. But I didn’t. She actually said that.

But, you know, thinking about it … she may be right. Depending on what she thought her job was.

  • If you thought your job was to bring America to the brink of financial ruin, then job well done.
  • If you thought your job was to make Americans miss having Republicans in charge, then job well done.
  • If you thought your job was to ram through ill-conceived, unwanted legislation, then job well done.
  • If you thought your job was to stand there and look stupid, then job well done.
  • If you thought your job was to bring Congress’ approval rating down to all-time lows, then job well done.
  • If you thought your job was to help Americans understand that voters in your district are stark raving mad, then job well done.
  • If you thought your job was to be the punchline of a joke, then job well done.

How would you assess Nancy Pelosi’s job?

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