There has been a resurgence lately of bedbugs, especially in New York City, so I thought I’d do everyone a favor and get my crack research team to find out all they can on the menace known as bedbugs.
FUN FACT ABOUT BEDBUGS
* Bedbugs live on mammal blood, though they sometimes eat at Arby’s.
* Among the college-age, they’re known as futonbugs.
* Bedbugs sleep all day and then come out at night and drink your blood. Sometimes they don’t even leave marks so you wouldn’t even know the next day. You’re probably covered in bed bug bites and bed bug eggs right now and don’t even know it. Stay away from me! Unclean!
* Despite the name, bedbugs are not true bugs. Nothing is a true bug to scientists, in fact. To them, “bug” is a title you strive for but can never quite achieve.
* If you know your home has bedbugs, whatever you do, don’t tell anyone. People will assume you live in filth and shun you like an Amish man with an iPod.
* Bedbugs had mainly died out in the first half of the last century, but then had a resurgence starting in in the mid-nineties, probably reintroduced by Bill Clinton sleeping around with people.
* In a fight between Aquaman and bedbugs, Aquaman would be pretty safe because he sleeps underwater. And frankly, Aquaman doesn’t care if you’re itchy.
* If you find yourself surrounded by bedbugs, whatever you do, don’t fall asleep. Especially if they’ve teamed up with Freddy Kruger.
* Bedbugs have had the biggest resurgence in New York City. Apparently, the things that repel bedbugs are smoking, transfats, and salt.
* Many people will tell others, “Goodnight; don’t let the bedbugs bite.” But they’re not like vampires; you don’t have to invite them in. They’ll drink your blood even without permission.
* Actually, since they already drink blood, how could you even tell if a bedbug had become a vampire? I’d sleep with some garlic just in case.
* Are you feeling itchy right now? A little itchy somewhere? I bet you’re feeling a little itchy. Bedbugs!
* If you think you have bedbugs, spray with DDT. The EPA may object, but you can just bind and gag the EPA agents and throw them in your crawl space as that’s completely environmentally safe.
* There are dogs trained to sniff out bedbugs and they are very efficient at it, though not as efficient as the dogs trained to find cooked bacon.
* A serious bedbug infestation can cause anxiety, stress, insomnia, and, if the the bedbugs are radioactive, superpowers.
* I bet you’re feeling itchy. Bedbugs!
* Bedbugs don’t attack dogs because dogs don’t sleep in beds
* See? I told you dogs are smart!
* To prevent bedbugs, you could sleep in a sleeping bag. But always have a dog on watch nearby so a Nork soldier doesn’t bayonet you.
* Bedbugs hate water beds, but when I slept on a water bed I dreamt I was in a sad Gordon Lightfoot song. I don’t like Gordon Lightfoot.
I thought they were called crabs? So some dude brings home crabs now and gives them to his wife and they are swarming all over the mattress and he can claim Bed Bugs… That rocks!
Feed the EPA guys to the bedbugs !! Oh, never mind. EPA guys are bloodless and souless. No food for bedbugs or vampires.
Suiper Atomic Bedbug Man !!! Don’t tell Stan Lee.
I bet this bedbud hoopla is just the beginnings of a new Obam stimulis plan.
And then, there are earwigs with those pinchers on their hind ends. Nasty little creepers, they are. Legend has it that they will go through your eardrum straight for your brain like in The Wrath of Khan. Once, as a kid I woke-up in the morning with an earwig in my ear. Lucky for me, he was dead. My body heat cooked him. I think. KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN!!!!!!!
Can I do that even if I don’t have bedbugs? Pleeeease???
ussjimmycarter: crabs are lice. But of course you knew that. Usually transmitted in cheap hotels/motels for a short interlude with people who have fictitious first names.
When I was in treatment for drinking, our treatment center was invested. It started out in the woman’s wing and eventually one of the guys rooms got infested. He woke up one morning with hundreds of bites all over his body! We called him “bug boy” for the rest of his stay… All they can do for them is fumigate and throw away the mattress… Nice… Thanks, Frank J. I’m ichy all over!
Its fairly obvious that this is all George Bushes fault.
The thought of bed bugs makes me almost as itchy as the thought of hippies….almost.
Other things that repel bedbugs, that NYC is lacking: (1) Conservatives in sufficient #’s (2) World Trade Center Buildings (3) DDT (4) Mayors opposed to the GZM (5) NFL teams that are actually located in NYC.
“Bug” is a title you strive for but can never quite achieve. I disagree. It seems to me that Sarah Palin has achieved the ability to “bug” the Democrats to such an extent that the mere mention of her name can get them inching, scratching, cursing and phoning the Orkin Man for help.
So, ussjimmycarter, did the treatment help? Were you able to drink again?
BEER!
“* Bedbugs had mainly died out in the first half of the last century, but then had a resurgence starting in in the mid-nineties, probably reintroduced by Bill Clinton sleeping around with people.”
Well, they’ve been surviving throughout the years by clinging to living on dirty, aging hippies. So yes, it’s entirely possible that Bill Clinton could be a carrier.
Sooooooo, how soon will it be before liberals start pushing for the release of stronger pesticides? By “liberals,” I mean people who have condemned tens of millions of pregnant women and children to die from malaria because of a book about DDT that was based on shoddy Scientific! evidence. If you’re a liberal, malaria is all fun and games until you have bedbugs.
Malaria Death Watch
Scientists (not Scientists!) who advocate the use of DDT have demonstrated their faith in its safety by eating spoonfuls of it.
So, is it just a coincidence that mayor Bloomberg bans guns and New York get infested with bed bugs? I THINK NOT.
Bedbugs are much closer to real vampires than sparkly vampires are to real vampires.
confuse the bedbugs by not sleeping but if you must, sleep standing up.
Now I lay me down to sleep.
All around the bed bugs creep.
If they should bite before I wake,
I pray the Lord their jaws to break!