The Navy Yard shooter has put the AR-15 in the news. Yes, the shooter didn’t use an AR-15 — he took Joe Biden’s advice and used a shotgun — but that didn’t stop newspapers from putting the AR-15 in its headlines because any time there is a shooting, you can’t help but think of that evil evil AR-15. Thus I’ve had my crack research staff find out all they can about the world’s most deadliest weapon.
FUN FACTS ABOUT THE AR-15
* The inventor of the AR-15 was Satan, though his patent has since expired.
* Scientists have confirmed the deadly effects of an AR-15 by giving it to a chimpanzee who then murdered them.
* Scientists agree that each year the AR-15 will grow more deadly until it kills everyone in the entire world.
* Some believe that Hitler was in fact an AR-15 in a rubber mask.
* In the Garden of Eden, God gave Adam and Eve access to every firearm out there except for the AR-15 which he told them not to touch because it was too evil. But then the NRA, in the guise of a serpent, told Eve that the AR-15 is really fun to shoot. So then Eve took the AR-15 and started shooting all the animals in the garden because she is one awesome chick.
* The part that makes the AR-15 so extra deadly is the handle on top. The AR-15 would be used in less murders if it were more inconvenient to carry.
* It was an AR-15 that told Miley Cyrus to dance like that.
* Bullets that are normally harmless will kill instantly when fired out of the AR-15.
* The reason AR-15s have that prominent handle on them is because the most requested feature for an assault rifle was to be able to carry it like a Hello Kitty lunch box.
* If you find yourself surrounded by AR-15, know that they will fire automatically if they sense fear.
* The AR-15 is easily concealable and can fit inside a matchbox.
* The AR-15 is the leading cause of global warming from how its bullets shoot holes in the ozone.
* A very small percentage of gun deaths are attributed to the AR-15 because it is very good at disguising itself as other guns to frame them.
* What are the differences between an M16 and an AR-15? Scientists agree that it is something.
* The AR-15 can be rendered harmless by giving it only a 10 round magazine as people always miss with the first ten rounds and an AR-15 takes an hour and a half to reload.
* The AR-15 can shoot through schools.
* In a battle between Aquaman and an AR-15, Aquaman would break down and buy it so people might think he’s more manly.
* There were no shooting deaths until the invention of an AR-15. No one even considered using a gun to shoot another human being until someone saw an AR-15 and said, “I bet I could use this to kill people.”
* There was an assault musket similar to the AR-15 used by the world’s most evil pirates, but it was pronounced “Arrr-15.”
* The Assault Weapon ban was needed because it is well known that an AR-15 with both a pistol grip and a flash suppressor would be unstoppable by any modern military.
* In Europe there is no such thing as an AR-15 and thus also no such thing as murders. Instead of being violent, people there just drink wine and smoke cigarettes all day.
* If the AR-15 were banned, it’s believed all gun deaths would end because even gun murders that didn’t use the AR-15 were inspired by the evil sight of that gun.
* If you are shot by an AR-15, you become one.
* The AR-15 is responsible for 95% of all deaths each year. The rest of the deaths are from obesity and drone strikes.
You forgot to mention that during a full moon the AR15 grows a second “clip” and becomes 600% more deadly.
Just think, if we would have had this amazing weapon during the Vietnam war things might gone differently…oh, wait a minute….
If you get an AR-15 wet, it spawns Uzis
That is funny like nuts, man! I gots da pee-pants at work, y’all!
* Scientists have confirmed the deadly effects of an AR-15 by giving it to a chimpanzee who then murdered them.
I believe this study was flawed. The Science!! guys should not have been so cheap as to use the Chimps from Amy Farrah Fowler’s nicotine addiction study. I demand the study be repeated 10 times for verification purposes. If the Science!!1! guys die in each trial, I will believe it.
A chimp carrying an AR-15 and a suitcase nuke walked into a bar and the bartender didn’t say a word, because he didn’t want to act like a panzee.
Chuck Norris fears AR-15s.
Wrong Burt!! That was an AK-47 not a AR-15, and those weren’t exactly scientists…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhxqIITtTtU
if an infinite number if monkeys were given an infinite number of ar-15 eventually one of them would produce the entire Sweet Valley High series.
Never store an AR-15 near a medicine cabinet containing psychotropic drugs. It will turn in to a weapon of mass destruction.
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More deadly is the AR-15 Shotgun that CNN reported as being used at the shipyard.
The original line was “It’s an .88 Magnum. It shoots through schools.” Bad Guy Danny Vermin, in “Johnny Dangerously.”
If Hollywood ever does a remake, Danny Vermin will almost certainly be carrying an AR-15. 🙂 And it will still be funny.
In a battle between an AR-15 and Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris would win, but just barely.
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An AR15 sank the Titanic.
Why did Sherlock Holmes need an AR-15? He wanted a weapon of mass deduction…
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If an infinite number of silverback gorillas were given an infinite number of AR-15s they’d wind up writing and producing the Breaking Bad movie and the next two seasons of Sons Of Anarchy.
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I don’t care who you are, that’s funny, right there.
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Love it. People when trained properly will belive anything. Black guns = must be bad!!! lol thanks or the great laugh
Billy
6 years later, and it’s getting reposted around the net. Go figure.