More Sunny!

Maybe things seem barbaric in the Middle East because we don’t have enough cultural understanding about being awful.

So the Senate is defining who is a journalist so that only the government-approved journalists have special rights. Now, it goes without saying that any Senator going along with this is a horrible human being who has no understanding how rights work and should be exiled to Antarctica — sharing a plane ride with the polar bears I am also exiling to Antarctica for being mean to seals — but there is another important aspect to this story: I could possibly be a journalist.

The Senate is making it very clear that my stupid blog doesn’t count, but I’ve written for newspapers and that might count as freelance work towards being a journalist — even though I’ve never broke a story or done research or even read a whole news story (they sometimes go on for pages!). And if I am a journalist, that means they’ll send me a journalism badge in the mail (which goes along with my journalism gun — if it’s a slow news day, I just fire it until something interesting happens) and then I’ll get special new journalist rights!

JOURNALIST RIGHTS

* I don’t have to reveal my sources; no more bibliographies for me!

* I get to wear a fedora without being laughed it.

* I can make McDonald’s give me an Egg McMuffin in the afternoon if I claim I’m doing a story on it.

* I can just barge in and ask the president questions whenever I feel like it as long as I agree to edit out all his ums and uhs from the transcript.

* It’s not slander for me to make stuff up as long as I credit it to “unnamed sources” or “Harvey.”

* It’s now fashionable for me to wear superhero spandex under my normal clothes.

* I get to hear spoilers on international events as long as I don’t tell people (BTW, the whole Syria thing doesn’t end too well).

* I can use the phrase “The public has a right to know!” to get the government to tell me classified information, to get businesses to tell me trade secrets, and to get women to take their tops off.

* I get that newsletter that tells us how to spin whatever the big story is against conservatives.

* I am above the law.

So this whole special rights for journalists is wrong, but if I get them, I promise to use them to benefit myself and not others.

Tired of being all ticked off over Ben Affleck being cast as the new Batman?

Wait until you hear about Robin.

If you’re to believe what was posted up on the Instagram, it might just be … Justin Bieber.

Seriously.

I’m not sure what to think. I mean, isn’t he … Canadian?

A Canadian Robin? Wouldn’t that be like having a Canadian Captain Kirk?

But, what do you think? With Ben Affleck as the new Batman, who would be a good Robin?