So the Senate is defining who is a journalist so that only the government-approved journalists have special rights. Now, it goes without saying that any Senator going along with this is a horrible human being who has no understanding how rights work and should be exiled to Antarctica — sharing a plane ride with the polar bears I am also exiling to Antarctica for being mean to seals — but there is another important aspect to this story: I could possibly be a journalist.
The Senate is making it very clear that my stupid blog doesn’t count, but I’ve written for newspapers and that might count as freelance work towards being a journalist — even though I’ve never broke a story or done research or even read a whole news story (they sometimes go on for pages!). And if I am a journalist, that means they’ll send me a journalism badge in the mail (which goes along with my journalism gun — if it’s a slow news day, I just fire it until something interesting happens) and then I’ll get special new journalist rights!
JOURNALIST RIGHTS
* I don’t have to reveal my sources; no more bibliographies for me!
* I get to wear a fedora without being laughed it.
* I can make McDonald’s give me an Egg McMuffin in the afternoon if I claim I’m doing a story on it.
* I can just barge in and ask the president questions whenever I feel like it as long as I agree to edit out all his ums and uhs from the transcript.
* It’s not slander for me to make stuff up as long as I credit it to “unnamed sources” or “Harvey.”
* It’s now fashionable for me to wear superhero spandex under my normal clothes.
* I get to hear spoilers on international events as long as I don’t tell people (BTW, the whole Syria thing doesn’t end too well).
* I can use the phrase “The public has a right to know!” to get the government to tell me classified information, to get businesses to tell me trade secrets, and to get women to take their tops off.
* I get that newsletter that tells us how to spin whatever the big story is against conservatives.
* I am above the law.
So this whole special rights for journalists is wrong, but if I get them, I promise to use them to benefit myself and not others.
… getting to stop the presses …
No, Frank, you are not a journalist. You are an author and a writer.
Harvey! Now THERE’S a JOURNALIST! He’s clearly got the pulse of current events, reporting on them, clearly, concisely, and more importantly, impartially.
But what about Basil? You bet, but without the concise part. He does drone on a bit, kind of like newspaper guys, “It was a dark and stormy night when Patricia experienced a hangnail for the first time in her life.”
Sorry, Frank, but that’s just the way it is.
Anyway, can I get some High Praise from Harvey? I mean, after all…
Aren’t you supposed to get one of those top secret Encoder Rings that are guaranteed to confound all previous Decoder Rings?
The obvious solution is that journalists will have to be certified like doctors or lawyers. They will need to demonstrate knowledge of parts of speech (singing “Conjunction Junction,” for example), the Inverted Pyramid, the 5 W’s and the H, and graduate from reeducation camp.
Tattooing their official “Journalist” number on the forearm might be a good idea. Fits in with the direction the country is heading at any rate.
Wait… why isn’t this post credited to me?
@2 – No High Praise! for you. Here… take this bacon and invest it. If you can return to me with a whole pig, you will have earned High Praise!
@6 — “You can shave a pig, but you get more squeal that wool.”
That’s as close as I can come to posting a pig.
Thanks for the bacon! Since I found out that one can cook crisp, juicy bacon in two minutes in the microwave, I’ve put on 20 pounds. Bacon an tomato sandwiches to two minutes. Bacon and avocado sandwiches in 120 seconds. Bacon and chocolate fudge ice cream…you get the picture, and it’s not pretty.
LLC.
even though I’ve never broke a story or done research
So you’re even with, say Maureen Dowd or Nicholas Kristof. I’m sure that Dianne Feinstein considers both of them journalists.
I thought Harvey was too old to be a journalist.
So if you have to have a federal journalist permit now, how are we going to learn about the kardashians and Big Bird, and that canadian woman?
Will part of the test for a journullists license be how much water they can carry for the marxist party?
Will Harvey have to take up smoking and learn to narrate his every move? Enquiring minds need to know!
@9 – Me & Frank already did the smoking & narrating thing:
http://imao.podbean.com/2010/09/11/imao-podcast-14-8-29-05/
About the 11:37 mark.
Stop complaining. North Korea have had this type of control over journalists for years and it’s working well for them.
The fedora would only work if you put an index card that has the word “PRESS” printed on it in the hatband.