[High Praise! to Freedom Is Just Another Word]
Archive of entries posted on 10th September 2013
Obama’s REAL Problem With Syria
A Prescription for Benny Goodman
A new study has found that listening to music can strengthen the heart and improve the recovery of patients suffering from heart disease.
Unfortunately, Obamacare will only cover 78s and 8-tracks.
IMAO EXCLUSIVE: Details of Obama’s “Unbelievably Small” Syria Attack Plan Revealed!
BREAKING: According to sources at the White House steno pool, the now shelved plan was to have Ndamukong Suh throw an illegal chop block at Bashar al-Assad’s knees.
If that had fallen through, the backup plan apparently involved Clint Bowyer intentionally spinning himself out to deny Syria a spot in the Chase for the Sprint Cup.
More details as they become available…
Barry at the Bat
Link of the Day: The Post-Obama Apocalypse Won’t Be Nearly As Bad As You Think
[High Praise! to According to Hoyt]
I find Sarah to be a refreshing change from the usual right-wing end-of-the-world doom & gloomism. Give it a read.
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
Wisdom of the Day: Mediocre Sarcasm Cheerios Dying Smoothies Substitute
To the NPR libs, if you sound uninterested & bored, you're deep. Kerry has used this trick to mask a mediocre intellect for decades.
— Your Mom's Red Line (@stephenkruiser) September 9, 2013
Blind to the sarcasm in your tweet, a grown man sips his Code Red Mountain Dew and pushes aside his blanket cape to type an angry reply.
— noog (@noogscorner) September 9, 2013
What They Say It Is: A Cheerios bombing What it Should Be: An Apple Jacks Strategy What It Really Is: A Kaboom Tantrum
— The_One_Who_Brings (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 9, 2013
*lays in bed slowly dying* *final moments* *beckons you closer with shaking finger* "P….p….parkour."
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 9, 2013
We see you, people drinking disgusting green smoothies, we see you.
— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) September 9, 2013
World now treating Obama like a 8th grade study hall treats a substitute teacher.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) September 9, 2013
Sometimes Limits Are a Good Idea
The EU is floating a plan to outfit cars with speed limiters to keep them from going over 70mph.
How about limiting how fast their member nations can spend themselves bankrupt?
Obama Warned Us – Government
You don’t expect government to solve all your problems. You want to be self-reliant and independent. You want to be responsible for your own lives and take care of your own families. But what you do expect is a government that isn’t run by the special interests. What you do expect is that if you’re willing to work hard, you should be able to find a job that pays a decent wage, that you shouldn’t go bankrupt when you get sick, that you should be able to send your children to college even if you’re not rich, and that you should be able to retire with dignity and security.
BARACK OBAMA, speech, Aug. 2, 2008
“Basically you expect government to steal other people’s money & hand it over to you, because you’re too chicken to mug them yourself. I’ve got no problem with that.”
Feminism and Comic Books
So Jezebel has this headline: “DC Comics Contest: Draw a Naked Woman Committing Suicide.” Ends up, it’s a drawing contest to draw Harley Quinn about to commit suicide, and one of those methods is here in a bathtub about to drop plugged in appliances to it. So, for that she’d be naked, because that’s how people bathe. Or is it sexist to think women bathe naked? I don’t really understand feminism.
Anyway, I can see how the whole thing is objectionable, but if you’re going to get all feminist about comic books, do you really want to rally around Harley Quinn — a girl slavishly devoted to a mass murderer? I mean, the place to start — as it has been for years — is the outfits the superheroines wear. I can only assume none of the female superheroes have fathers, because they would absolutely horrified at their daughters running around saving the world while dressed like strippers.
You’ve Been Judged!
Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “A New IRS Rule Raises Taxes on Waitress’s Tips. Next to Be Targeted…”
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, Anonymiss has got another straight line for you to practice on.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
Straight Line of the Day: Members of Obama’s “Coalition of the Willing” on Syria Will Include…
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
Members of Obama’s “coalition of the willing” on Syria will include…
Threats in the Age of Smart Power
Does anyone know what’s going on with Syria? I know Obama doesn’t it, but hopefully he can figure it out before he gives his speech tonight explaining everything to us.
Anyway, John Kerry was going on about how this attack is going to be “unbelievably small” — and who wouldn’t be threatened by that — and then some other White House official compared the attack to making Assad eat Cheerios with a fork. And I guess Assad tried eating Cheerios with a fork and saw how difficult that is because now he’s going to team up with the Russians to get rid of his chemical weapons. We can’t trust Syria or the Russians by themselves, but together…
Anyway, now Assad will go back to just killing his people with bombs and bullets so everyone will be happy. But that got me thinking, if the threat of eating Cheerios with a fork got results, what other light threats can we use in this new age of Smart Power™ that Obama has created? Here’s some ideas:
* “We’re going to sand down one leg of his chair to make it a bit smaller. He’ll still be able to do everything he wants, but it will be much more wobbly.”
* “We’re taking the stick out of his corn dog. He’ll still be able to eat the corn dog, but he’ll get mustard all over his hands.”
* “We’re going to steal his remote control. He’ll still be able to watch TV, but he’ll have to walk up to the TV to change channels like in the olden days… unless he knows how to program a universal remote. But that takes time.”
* “He’s going to turn around and the sleeve is gone on his cup of Starbucks. He’ll have to wait minutes and minutes before he can pick that up — unless he puts a lot of cream in it.”
* “We’re going to put his chemical weapons in clam shell packaging. Technically, he’ll still have access to them… but, you know, he has to get through that thick, plastic clam shell packaging.”
* “We’re going to put a cat next to him. He’ll still be able to do all the evil he’s been doing, but they’ll be this cat constantly swatting him to try and get his attention.”
* “We’re going to steal the AC adapter to his phone. He’ll still be able to charge it by plugging it into his laptop, but that’s sorta, kinda inconvenient.”
* “We’re going to put a dog just outside his house that will be barking constantly at nothing. He’ll still be able to do anything he wants, but he’ll be like, ‘Let’s gather our chemical weapons and– Will someone shut up that dog!'”
* “He needs a Phillips screwdriver, but we’re going to make sure he has nothing but flat-head screwdrivers. He’ll still be able to get the screw out, but that screwdriver is going to slip a bunch.”
* “So he wants to do a Google search, but Google is gone. He’ll have to use Bing.”
* “This guy has made us extra mad, so he doesn’t even get a fork for his Cheerios. He gets a butter knife. If he keeps it up, and he’ll only get chopsticks.”
Enemies of the world, few the minor inconveniences we’ll inflict upon you!
…If Congress agrees to them. Which they probably won’t.
Welcome to our world, Lefties
First, you have to recognize the problem.
But, you can’t stop there. You have to do something about it. And that’s where the left will fall short.
Here’s what’s going on.
One of the few things that some on the right and some on the left agree about is that attacking Syria is a bad idea. Only, most of the vocal opposition is coming from the right. Why is that?
Ask Ed Asner, as The Hollywood Reporter did:
Another reason some Hollywood progressives have been reticent to speak out against war in Syria, according to Asner, is fear of being called racist.
“A lot of people don’t want to feel anti-black by being opposed to Obama,” he said.
Well, now, Ed, just who caused that situation? Who made it so that if you oppose Obama on any grounds whatsoever, you get thought of as being racist?
That’s right, Ed. You on the left. May I call you Ed? I’m gonna go ahead and call you Ed. Okay, Ed?
Well, Ed, this Frankenstein’s Monster you created is out of control. You on the left — well, not you specifically, Ed, since you are speaking up, but your buddies on the left — are afraid of being falsely accused of racism, because you take a stand against something you believe is wrong.
What’s it like, Ed? Tell me. I can’t imagine. Except for every day when I experience it because of my opposition to the policies of the Democrats, including Obama.
You and I don’t agree on a lot of stuff, Ed, but we do agree on at least two things.
1 – You shouldn’t hold back from criticism of what you believe is wrong because someone will falsely accuse you of racism.
2 – You shouldn’t be falsely accused of racism.
Okay, maybe you don’t yet think the second. But, maybe this will help you come around.
While I generally don’t support the same things you believe in, Ed, I do believe that you should be able to express your views without unjust criticism. So, Ed, why don’t you on the left stop the unjust criticism?
It’s not fun when something of yours bites you in the ass, is it?
Well, okay, I have to admit: it’s just a little bit fun to watch.
Random Thoughts: Unbelievably Small, Cheerios, and Syria
This is the part where Obama gives a big speech and fixes everything.
If it’s an “unbelievably small” attack on Syria, why don’t we just say we already did it and everyone missed it?
“An attack so small we couldn’t even see it? I don’t believe it!”
“That’s what I said; unbelievably small.”
So we’re going to bomb Syria a little bit, but not so much they’ll get angry at us? #SmartPower
Next time my daughter acts up, I’ll give her a fork to eat her cereal and see how that works as a punishment.
Marketing Idea: General Mills releases new Unbelievably Small Cheerios. “Really hard to eat with a fork!”
Man, it’s hard to write 140 characters without any typos.
“Assad wants to eat a corn dog, but we’re taking the stick out of his corn dog. Try eating that without getting mustard on your hands.”
“Assad’s going to turn around and the sleeve is gone on his cup of Starbucks. He’ll have to wait minutes and before he can pick that up.”
Why hasn’t the former vice president started his own band called “The Al Gore Rhythms”?
Just drop me in the Middle East with a handgun and a stick of dynamite and I’ll fix everything.
Hmm. I’ve done some more research on the Middle East and I think I’ll need at least three sticks of dynamite.
Maybe Obama can cheer himself up by telling himself this is all because he made such convincing arguments against Iraq.
You can be funny without swearing, but it takes effort. I’ve stared at a blank page for hours thinking of what to say other than the f-word.