Scene: Barack Obama, Joe Biden and Bill Clinton, dressed as bums, are milling around an Occupy Wall Street gathering.

Biden: Explain to me again what exactly our plan here is again?  Why exactly are we hanging out with all these smelly hippies?

Bill: This is the last time I’m saying this, you moron.  It was your idea to begin with. We are looking for a dog so we can trick those other two losers into eating it.

Barack: That way they will see how delicious it is and won’t fight us when we feed the abused pets to the starving black kids.

Biden: Yeah.  What’s wrong with eating dog anyway?  Protein is protein, you know what I am saying?  You know what I am saying?  You know what I am saying?  It’s protein.  It’s food.  People eat dog all the time.

Barack: Totally.  And have you tried it?  Totally delicious dude.  I’m drooling just thinking about it. I’m making a mess all over myself.  We got to find that dog quick.

Biden: And even if it’s not. Even if it’s not, they are starving kids, dude.  They’re, like, starving.  Really starving.  Like, how picky are they gonna be?  And those two are such hypocrits, dude.

Barack: Tell me about it. They aren’t sharing their goose livers and wine and cheese with the black kids. They aren’t helping.  I don’t see them helping.  They aren’t sending the fancy food, so what do they have against them eating dog? It’s totally like food racism.  It’s food racism, dude.  Those two are total food racists.  Why do they hate us Nigerians?  Why do they hate Koreans?  Why? Why?

Biden: Totally, dude.  Hillary’s always like tweeting, I’ve been to 567 different countries, blah blah blah.  I’ve been here. I’ve been there, blah blah blah. I’ve seen Indiana Jones, dude.  You’ve seen it too.  I know you’ve seen it.  You were with me.  The Temple of Doom.   I know what they eat in all those weird places.  She is traveling to these places and all eating monkey brains and snakes and bugs and stuff.  She’s eating all that stuff and then being all high and mighty about feeding dogs to black kids.  Why does she hate black kids so much? Why? Why the hate?

Barack: And Koreans.  Don’t forget about the Koreans.

Biden: And the Nigerians.  And you, too.  I’m pretty sure she hates you, too.  Hey, wait a minute.  I just thought something.  Well, no.  I thought I was thinking something.  No.  Yes.  Oh, yes, there is a thought.  It’s coming.  It’s coming.  Dude, she’s not even Secretary of State anymore.  Why do we even care what she thinks? She’s not our secretary anymore.  Not our secretary. Not anymore.

Barack: Oh yeah, like why is she even around anymore?  We kicked her out, and she just won’t leave. She won’t leave.  How can we get her to leave?  How?  How can we get her to leave?

Biden: Yeah, dude.  Totally.  Like, you noticed that too?

Barack: Totally. Well, I am unfollowing her right now. That’s it, I’m unfollowing her. Done and done.

Biden: Done too, dude.

Barack: And she was, like, the worst secretary ever, by the way. The worst.  Absolutely the worst.  No typing.  No dictation.  No coffee.  No massages, to say nothing of the happy ending.

Biden: Disgusting, dude.  With Hillary?  A happy ending?  With Hillary?  No, tell me you didn’t even imagine that. Dude, with Hillary?  No, no no.  If she is giving you a massage, the only way that turns into a happy ending is if she pulls out a gun and shoots herself in the face. Bang, blows that mug right off. Gone.  And the world’s a better place.  A more happy place. It’s a better place now.

Barack: Now Kerry, on the other hand.  Awesome.  Totally awesome. She is totally my bitch, man. Does whatever I ask her. And she totally knows her way around the manscaping, if you know what I mean.

Biden: Dude.  You’re messing with me, right?  You are messing with me.  You have to be messing with me. You do know that John Kerry is a man, right? He’s a man.  He’s a man. Even though, you know, he took the secretary job, he is still a man.  The dude’s a man.

Barack: No way.

Biden: Way.

Barack: But he is so effeminate.

Biden: Still a dude.

Barack: And his hands are so soft.

Biden: Dude, he is still totally a dude, dude.

Barack: But he totally acts like a woman, dude.  He was totally crying cause Putin didn’t say anything about his new tie. Or his shoes.

Biden: Still a dude, dude.

Barack: But he is so hormonal.  He has to be on estrogen at least.  He has to be making the change. He’s making the change.  Switching teams.  Probably just waiting for MeCare to pick up the final costs.

Biden: Ha ha ha ha ha.  Doesn’t matter, dude.  He is still a man.  Ha ha ha.  Now you are the one dating a tranny.  You’re totally dating a tranny dude.  You’re dating a tranny. You’re dating a tranny.

Barack: I am not dating a tranny.  Now, wait a minute.  Hold on.  Where is Bill?  Where, where the hell is Bill?  Where did Bill go?  We’ve lost him again.

Biden: Dagnabbit!  What have I told you?  What have I been telling you?

Barack: I know, I know. We need to get him one of those leashes, dude.

Biden: If we take him out in public, we need a leash.  We need a leash.

Barack: We better find him before he commits another felony. I’m really getting tired of signing his pardons.  My wrist is totally jacked up, dude.  It’s totally sore.  It’s really sore.  I can barely clench it.

Biden: I bet you have that carp tunnel syndrome.

Barack: I bet you are right, dude. Just a few more weeks and MeCare will cover it for me. Come on, let’s find Bill.

To be continued sometime, maybe if I feel like it.

So the Republicans are getting in this fight over defunding Obamacare, and a lot of people think it’s a stupid battle to get into because there is no way it will ever succeed. And defunding is superhard. Just look at the steps it will take:

STEPS TO DEFUNDING OBAMACARE

1. You have to get a bill to defund Obamacare. This is hard because you’ll need to get all the Republicans behind it, and many are establishment Republicans who have an intense dislike of doing anything that’s even remotely useful to anyone.

2. After the bill is ready, it will have to go before Obama to sign. This will make him mad. He’ll probably hiss and claw at you. And then he’ll veto it.

3. It takes a two-thirds vote to override a veto, but it’s really hard to get two-thirds of Congress to even show up. Most of Congress, instead of working, just kind of lounges around the pool out back of the Capitol or they play hooky and go see movies in town. You’ll have to come up with something good to get them all in to vote, like free ice cream and a clown that makes balloon animals — though now the Capitol will end up sticky and with pieces of balloon everywhere.

4. So let’s say you get the two thirds vote and now Obamacare is defunded. It’s over, right? Wrong. Obama will just grab a trash bag and head over to the Fed and tell them to print enough money to fill up his bag so he can fund Obamacare. The only way to stop that is to sabotage the money printing presses. And it’s not easy because there are video cameras watching those printing presses. You’ll need smoke bombs so you can sabotage under the cover of smoke. Then when security sees what’s going on, they’ll be like, “Oh. It’s nothing; it’s just a bunch of smoke.”

5. So you’ve defunded Obamacare and kept the Fed from printing Obama more money — but it’s still not over. Obama will then get into his drill machine and try to drill into the center of the earth to get the diamonds there. And, as everyone knows, it’s the diamonds in the center of the earth that give us gravity, so if Obama takes them, gravity will cease and those levels with the bubbles in them will no longer work. So we’ll have to get a drill machine and go after him. And there will probably be a big battle underground, and the winner will be whoever can form an alliance with the mole people.

So, there you go; that’s the steps to defunding Obamacare. It doesn’t sound very realistic to me — especially the stuff about the mole people — so I’d be really cautious about pursuing this. Or not. I don’t really care. But I would like free ice cream though clowns scare me.