Pro tip: if you didn’t get an iPhone 5s, just paint a circle around your home button and remove your pass code.
— Moltz (@Moltz) September 20, 2013
It's the "subjunctive mood," Alan. There's no such thing as a "subjunctive case." I'm sorry, but you're out of this street gang.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 20, 2013
"You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?" Ernie asks Bert. They never see the cement truck that broadsides them.
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 20, 2013
Congress cut food stamps? But how will we mail our food?
— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) September 20, 2013