Archive of entries posted on 9th September 2013

Presidential Ice Cream

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(A Million-Times-Forwarded email submitted by Laurie [High Praise!])

In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: “Barocky Road”

“Barocky Road” is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all plentiful.

The cost is $92.84 per scoop. So out of a $100 bill, you are at least promised some CHANGE. When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone. But after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken out of the cone and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.

You are left with an almost empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just happened, Then you realize this is what “redistribution of wealth” is all about.

Aren’t you just stimulated?

Link of the Day: Helping Obama Find His Red Line

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[High Praise! to Gang Aft Agley]

Something Red

BONUS LINK:

(Submitted by jw [High Praise!])

The normally-stuffy Forbes magazine displays an IMAO-ish sense of humor on an esoteric subject:

Forget Its Dual Mandate, The Fed Should Have A Duodecuple Mandate

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

Wisdom of the Day: Sawyer Robocop Bullied Holster Drinking Murder Ankles

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You’ve Been Judged!

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Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “In Atlanta, a Woman Claimed her E-Cigarette Exploded and Shot Flames Across the Room. Also Revealed to Be a Dangerously Defective Product…”

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, Anonymiss has got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

How Obama Can Convince Republicans on Bombing Syria

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I don’t want to call Obama a complete failure, but he can’t even get Republicans on his side to bomb Muslims in the Middle East.

Okay; that’s a lie; I’ve been wanting to call him a failure since the day he was sworn in. And I have. Constantly. You’ve probably even started tuning it out.

Anyway, if there was a video game for being president, convincing Republican to support bombing a country in the Middle East would be the tutorial mission. There should be no way to fail it. Bush used to just say, “I’m going to bomb the Middle East,” and Republicans would vote to authorize and wouldn’t even ask which countries. I mean, they just figure you can bomb just about anywhere there and hit someone who deserves it, probably blowing him up in the middle of an anti-American thought.

But Obama can’t get Republicans on his side. Or Democrats. Or any other countries. That has to really shake his confidence. Well, to help out, here are some tips on getting Republicans to support his bombing campaign in Syria.

HOW OBAMA CAN CONVINCE REPUBLICANS ON BOMBING SYRIA

* Remind them it’s in the Middle East.

* No seriously, I want to bomb people in the Middle East.

* Come on, guys; you’ve always been for this sort of thing before.

* I mean, you’ll be like, “We can’t spend any more money; we have too much debt. We have to balance the budget and– Oh, you want to bomb the Middle East? Let met take out a mortgage on the Washington Monument to pay for that.”

* This is a freebie, guys! I mean, you get to bomb people in the Middle East, and I won’t even call you warmongers this time. I’m taking this one on myself.

* So why aren’t you for it this time? Is it because of all those mean things I said about you guys because of Iraq? Come on, guys; that was just politics. Nothing personal. And it worked; I’m president now. That’s all that was.

* And really; I thought I’d get more countries to go along with me. I mean, Bush got a bunch on his side, so I thought I’d have like hundreds backing me up. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Maybe other countries are racist.

* I’m not in over my head. I’m a good president. This Syria thing isn’t making me look like a hapless idiot; it’s making you look like an idiot. So you better do what I say before everyone hates you.

* Come on! Please! Here; if you go along with me, I’ll give you what’s currently the most valuable thing in this country: an Obamacare waiver.

* You know what? Whatever. Bomb Syria; don’t bomb Syria — I get paid the same. When’s tee time?

* What do you think historians are going to say about me? I know I get “first black president,” but I was hoping for a few other things. I really thought the economy would turn around by now, Obamacare would be a hugely popular thing, and I’d be super popular world wide.

* Well, I have three more years. I can turn things around.

* Or it could get even worse. I don’t know if I can take this for three more years. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is realizing I’m the only thing standing in the way of President Biden.

* The other day, he thought he saw his briefcase move so he bit it. I don’t know how I ended up with him. He was supposed to add more experience to my ticket, but I guess no one around me knows what he or she is doing.

* Know what? Forget it. I’m going to go smoke a cigarette and eat a whole box of Krispy Kreme. Be cool and don’t tell Michelle.

Random Thoughts: Republicans and War, Robocop, and Imagination

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The WaPo once gave Obama four Pinocchios. It was for the statement, “I’m only human.”

Come on, guys, we used to be warmongers. When the president said he wanted to bomb a country, we’d nod and wouldn’t even ask which.

Obama is playing a genius long game – something that will be obvious to archaeologists who dig up our bones thousands of years form now.

BUSH: “I want to bomb Syria.”
US: “Why?”
BUSH: “It’s in the Middle East.”
US: “Sounds reasonable.”

If only Obama had the persuasion abilities of Dubya.

If there was a video game for being president, convincing Republicans to blow people up in the Middle East would be the tutorial mission.

Free hugs! Just fill out this hug form, mail it in, and wait 6-8 weeks for your hug voucher to arrive.

You just assumed Obama would be a good wartime president with his background in community organizing and his brief internship in the Senate.

Step on a crack, break your mother’s back. Step on a line, break your father’s spine. Be OCD, die sad and lonely.

Stop changing my account number, guys who want me to pay them bills.

The thing that’s bothering me with the new Robocop is that he looks more like a guy in a suit – Iron Man – than a half man,half robot.

Reading Casino Royale. I like how Bond surmises a thug’s simple-minded violent nature probably came form marijuana abuse.

I’d believe in global warming if one of the scientific models for it had predicted Ben Affleck being cast as Batman.

I hit my daughter with a stick anytime she uses her imagination. Using imagination is bad, right? I probably should read a parenting book…