O's Syria pitch = Tom Sawyer's fence-painting pitch if Tom forgot to convince everyone painting was cool, then got mad no one's painting.

— Mary Katharine Ham (@mkhammer) September 6, 2013

The Robocop remake doesn't have nearly as many killer robots as the Iraq War remake the US is working on.

— CC:Indecision (@indecision) September 6, 2013

I feel terrible that my son is being bullied but I can't help myself he's such a nerd.

— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) September 6, 2013

I'm no fan of guns, but this new shoulder holster is just the perfect size and shape for my emergency grilled cheese.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 6, 2013

I also delete all my conversations, with binge drinking

— Dave Dittell (@davedittell) September 6, 2013

this is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world. 7 billion people. largest mass murder in history. worse than hitl

— 8 bit fox (@8bitf0x) September 7, 2013

I do this hot move in bed where I grab my ankles and moan until the cramp goes away.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) September 8, 2013