It’s been a long, long time since I read a comic book, but I decided to plunge into the depths of geekdom that media to determine whether Aquaman is worthy of the scorn I heap upon him in my Know Thy Enemy™ segments. There are other superheroes I could make fun of such as the Flash who seems like the perfect French superhero (can quickly run away from any battle), but Aquaman has just been like the perfect target. His superpowers are that he can breathe underwater and talk to fish. That might make him a great marine biologist or a good lifeguard, but superhero seems a bit of a stretch. Plus, what’s with that orange shirt? Is it so helicopters can spot him from the sea? Is it so he doesn’t get shot during deer season? And how many goldfish did he have to skin to make it?
Anyway, the comic book I read was Aquaman #25 from October ’96. I was told it was written by an actually very good writer, Peter David. This surprised me, because I didn’t know comic books had writers. Also, if I were D.C. Comics, I would be assigning the A-list writers to Superman and Batman and have maybe the interns hack out a story of Aquaman fighting a jellyfish and a tuna or something.
To get to the actual comic, the first thing one notices is this isn’t the SuperFriends Aquaman.
Instead, the bearded, longhaired Aquaman looks like some blond biker dude. Also, he’s got a hook for his left hand. Apparently, in Aquaman #2, someone stuck his hand into a pond of piranhas and they ate it. I don’t know why he didn’t just use his fish talking powers to talk them down, though.
AQUAMAN: Dudes, like don’t eat my hand.
PIRHANAS: But we’re like crazy hungry, yo.
AQUAMAN: Hey, I promise that if you don’t eat my hand now, I’ll give you like a whole chicken later.
Well, I just know that from secondhand information, so I can’t judge on it.
The other big change with Aquaman is they lost the orange shirt. Actually, I guess they wanted to get so far away from that stupid shirt that Aquaman doesn’t wear a shirt at all. So, if you’re in trouble in a 7-11, Aquaman can’t help you or he’d be breaking the rules. Aquaman still has green scale pants, though. I guess green scale pants are the sine qua non of Aquaman.
As for the story in this comic, the site I got the image from says it best: “This issue is definitely a capper to the plot, and would be absolutely nonsensical alone.” While I can’t attest for the first part, the second part sure as hell is true. How many pages are there in a comic book when you remove the ads? Six? Well, in that many pages that had more characters to keep track of than in War and Peace. I was so confused, that, by the end, I didn’t know my ass from my elbow; I think I’m scared from ever reading a comic again. The plot involved like the White House, a dragon, aliens, and water, but luckily my mission isn’t to explain the plot, it was just to follow the Aqua-action and see whether Aquaman is a badass or not.
So this green dude who also has a hook for his left hand jumps in and is like, “I’m gonna cut you, Aquaman!”
And, does Aquaman call for a dolphin backup? No. He runs right into the fight saying, “Bring it on, bitch!”
And I’m like, “He’s green, Aquaman; kill him!”
But instead of going stab crazy with his hook hand on green-dude, Aquaman pulls out a rope (apparently his hook hand is also a grappling hook or something) and then begins to strangle the guy. Okay, strangling is still really violent. But then some woman confuses things as they always do. So green dude cuts Aquaman in the leg (his green scale pants, while stylish, afford little protection apparently). Now Aquaman get all pissed, but, instead of finally going stab crazy, he uses his psycho-telekinetic-fish-talking powers on green dude and green dude kills himself. I guess that’s somewhat badass.
Now, outside, Power Girl is fighting this big dragon Tiamat (Power Girl? Was she just about to turn in her superhero application form and then suddenly found out that “Super Girl” was taken and then had like ten seconds to come up with a superhero name?). Aquaman again uses his fish talking powers on the dragon to get him to jump into a magic bag of some sort (don’t ask me, ’cause I can’t explain).
All in all, I have to say I’m not convinced. If I’m getting attacked in the sea, I think I’d feel safer if I saw Batman come by in his Bat-boat or Green Lantern flying above than if I saw Captain Hook swimming by. I think I’ll offer some constructive criticism, though.
First off, go to The Gap and find a nice polo shirt that is on sale. I don’t know how things work underwater, but here on land we wear shirts.
Second, as long as you’ve lost a hand, why don’t you go the full Bruce Campbell and replace your hand with a chainsaw. No one is going to make fun of Aquaman if he comes at him with a chainsaw hand! You will have to be careful to keep the seawater from rusting it, though.
Finally, lose the name Aquaman. It’s just gay. There are so many better names an underwater superhero could have, like “The Shark” or “Sea Urchin”. Even “The Swimmer” or the “Fish Whisperer” would be better. Aquaman makes it sound like you should be made of water or something, and is only a step up from being called “Water Boy”. He also in the comic was referred to as Orin. I think even a regular name would be better than a superhero name like Aquaman. Even “Bob” sounds fiercer.
Still, I have to say that this Aquaman would not be the first guy I would pick a fight with in a bar. And, while he probably couldn’t take on any of the A-list superheroes, I bet he could he could beat the tar out of Robin.
…well, I guess it considers which Robin. He certainly could beat up the dead one. And, if he got too near a bird’s nest and were attacked by a real robin, that bird wouldn’t stand a chance. Aquaman would kick its ass and be like, “Don’t mess with Aquaman!” What a badass!
I think I’ll end this here. We all know the dangers of analyzing Aquaman too much.
Damn strait “Bob” sounds fiercer!
The Superhero I would call on in times of trouble would be The Tick….you know he nuked the moon once, right? (well, technically I think he failed to stop the moon from being nuked, but hey, why quibble?)
I didn’t know that Charlton Heston was Aquaman! There is a striking similarity between Aquaman and Heston in the 10 Commandments — Dumbozo – News Subliminably Delivered
A fellow Marine and reader of IMAO brought up to me an interesting point which I’d like to get everyone’s opinion on.
There is NO WAY that Aquaman can be a cool, kickass superhero. It’s not even an option. And here’s why: there is a link between Aquaman and the French. And it’s more than just that they are both totally ineffectual. No, there is an actual, tangible, physical link between the two.
JACQUES COUSTEAU
That’s right, Jacques Cousteau. He practically invented Scuba technology and co-invented the “aqualung.” Think about it people, get two aqualungs, invent an ‘aquastomach’, some ‘aquakidneys’, and a few other ‘aqua’ parts and you’ll be able to build an actual AQUAMAN.
This Frenchman not only was trying to build an Aquaman, he was trying to become one. Throughout his years spent underwater, he must have learned at least a little fish and I’m almost positive he spoke whale quite fluently (being as they’re mammals, I’d think the pronunciation would be easier to pick up).
He was also a lying bastard. Remember when Jacques had to admit that he had, in fact, filmed many of his so called “underwater explorations” in large tanks instead of the open ocean? Well he did. In fact, I think he filmed some of that stuff in his bathtub. How his being a lying bastard links him to Aquaman I’m not sure, but it doesn’t change the fact that he was a lying bastard Frenchman.
His only redeeming quality was that he was probably the world’s cleanest Frenchman, as he kept dipping himself in water. At the very least, that had to help keep the smell down.
So there you have it. Jacques Cousteau was trying to build and/or BECOME Aquaman, thereby paving the way for an army of completly ineffectual and worthless French aquamen. Or would it be a navy of aquamen? Well, either way, I feel this completely discounts any claims that Aquaman may have to being “cool,” because the French wanted to BECOME him and we all know that anything that the French like enough to want to become (Socialists, losers, apologists for Islamo-freaks, etc) SUCKS.
So remember: if you like Aquaman, you like France.
And ain’t NO MAN gonna accuse me of that.
Here endeth the lesson.
Aquaman is still a pansy.
And the only reason that the SuperFriends let the Flash come along on the adventures was practical. Y’know, after the fighting was done, Superman would tap Flash’s special powers —
“Hey Flash, go get the beer.”
And zip-zot, there’d be fresh, cold beer, right out of the fridge back at SuperFriends HQ. And thus all is made right in the world.
BTW, one of the big government secrets is that the SuperFund was actually a carefully crafted plot to pay the SuperFriends. The so-called “SuperFund Sites” are actually places where they whooped up on the bad guys and had to move people away since bad guys are often toxic.
On Power Girl –
You totally called it on Power Girl… she actually WAS Supergirl, but found out that the name was being used by a younger version of her on another Earth and got the Power Girl name instead. Of course, she’s best known for being comics’ most strident feminist. But at least she got a mention on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which is more than Aquaman can claim!
Aquaman’s a wuss. Always has been, always will be. If he calls to a bunch of humpback whales to handle a situation, then the whales are the badasses, and would probably stomp Aquaman to fish paste if he pissed them off.
But Frank, don’t hack on the Flash. He can run so fast he can go back in time. That’s gotta be worth something, doesn’t it?
So here’s an interesting question which just begs for a Frank Answer:
Who would win in a fight between Aquaman and Prince Namor?
Who is Prince Namor?
Is it just me or does Aquaman look like a kinda sober Nick Nolte before he killed Bruce Banner’s mum?
Prince Namor is also known as the Submariner; he’s basically a Marvel equivalent to Aquaman, where he gets annoyed at “surface-dwellers” and that whole thing.
Aquaman and Namor actually did have a battle during the big Marvel vs. DC crossover.
SPOILER!
After a short fistfight, Aquaman summoned a blue whale to beach itself right on top of Namor. Aquaman then said something like, “That’s the difference between you and me, Namor… you don’t cheat!”
Personally, I think this Aquaman looks like The Undertaker from WWF (yeah right, WWE….. whatever – I’m old school)
I mean if he like bleached himself blonde and didn’t have all the tats.
And wasn’t such a wuss an’ stuff.
Wow, Just John. I would have guessed Namor would be the one who fights dirty.
Susie – good call on The Tick – the perfect superhero for IMAO. Besides being partly responsible for nuking the moon, he’s also fought The French (the Breadmaster), the Communists (Eastern Bloc Robot Cowboy), and… The Swiss! Of course, he also once led a monkey rebellion, but nobody’s perfect.
Whatever the content of the comic, that’s a kickass cover.
We need to start a bandwagon for the Tick as IMAO’s official superhero. As we all know the point of nuking the moon is so that everyone thinks we’re crazy. The Tick started his career in an asylum. Plus he has the essential American virtues of being big, powerful and nigh indestructable.
Funny shit! I was just having this conversation a few months ago…
http://www.jjandbird.com/aquaman.html
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The French actually kick ass underwater (Cap. Nemo) and on the moon, provided that it’s an old timey moon with blinky eyes and parasol toadstools. Burt Lancaster kicked ass as The Swimmer, but if Aquaman used that name he might get sued by the estate of John “I fear my orgasm has left me a cripple” Cheever. Who read the one where Aquaman was mutated into this Neptune like immortal god of the sea? There was a nuclear war, all the regular people either died or mutated into australopithecine type thingies, Superman lost his powers, grew a Robinson Crusoe beard, married Wonder Woman, had a kid, then Earth blew up, and the baby escaped with the Green Lantern’s ring.
Dissecting Aquaman
Frank J. had me giggling and laugh-snorting this morning with his analysis of an Aquaman comic. For those who don’t follow IMAO, Aquaman gets much maligned there for not being a credible superhero, so someone got Frank an issue of…