Part I
Cyber-Lenin’s hands pulsed with red Commie power, and Rumsfeld braced for the deathblow. Somehow he knew he always knew he would go out this way – killed by a cybernetic Communist.
Suddenly he heard a voice. “I got your Big Mac Rumsfeld,” Scott Mclellan called out, “So did you find Cyber-Lenin… oh, there he is.”
Cyber-Lenin turned to look at Scott. “Quick, do something, Tubby!” Rumsfeld yelled.
“Er… uh…,” Scott muttered as he looked at the McDonalds food in his hands. Finally, he threw a Coke at Cyber-Lenin.
“Arggh!” Cyber-Lenin screamed, “You’re capitalist confection burns like acid!”
“Quick, let’s get out of here!” Rumsfeld yelled as he ran over to pick up Chomps. Both he and Scott ran for the Buick as red beams of Pure Commie Evil flew at them. Rumsfeld put Chomps in the back of his Buick, and then quickly sped off as Scott jumped in.
“I think we lost him,” Scott said, “Boy, it sure was lucky I was there in time to… ergh… ack…”
“That was my Coke!” Rumsfeld yelled as he strangled Scott with one hand and steered with the other.
“Geez; sorry! You can have my Sprite!” Scott answered.
“Bah!” Rumsfeld exclaimed, “How is Chomps doing?”
Chomps barely moved and whimpered weakly. “He don’t look so well,” Scott answered.
“We’ll head to Condoleezza Rice’s secret lab and have him looked at,” Rumsfeld said, anger marking his face, “Then we’ll send that Cyber-Commie into the ashbin of history.”
“Yeah, we’ll learn him good,” Scott said, trying to sound tough, “So you still want your Big Mac?”

Bush stayed in his office practicing with a katana. “Do you think if I train really hard, I can be like you one day?” Bush asked Zatoichi.
“No, you’re an idiot,” Ichi answered, “but keep bothering me and I’ll gouge your eyes out.”
Distracted, Bush accidentally cut the wall. “Ah, not again.”
Laura Bush ran into the room. “George! Are you playing with your sword in the Oval office again?”
“No,” Bush answered, and then realized he was still holding a katana. “I took this from Zatoichi who being bad and swinging his sword around. You can never trust the Yakuza.”
“No katanas in the oval office,” Laura said, taking away his sword. She looked at the windows. “Are one of my drapes missing?”
Suddenly they could hear the sounds of motorcycles. Outside the office was a biker gang driving around the White House. “It’s the Hell’s Democrats!” Bush exclaimed, “There’s Big Fat Teddy K, the Dean, Dick the Knife, and By the Way I Served in Vietnam.”
Suddenly a pipe hit Bush and sent him rolling back into his office. “Don’t forget Tom Smashle!” Tom Daschle said, brandishing a pipe. Soon the rest of the Hell’s Democrats entered the Oval Office following Tom Daschle. Laura ran to Bush’s side and helped him up.
“You’re going to be in so much trouble for driving motorcycles in the White House,” Laura said sternly.
“Yeah!” Bush exclaimed, “Ichi, kill them all.”
Ichi laughed. “Kill who? I don’t see anyone.”
“Hey, I said I’d get you that 30 ryo,” Bush yelled at him.
“Know what, I think I’m going deaf, too,” Ichi responded.
“You limey bastard!” Bush yelled, “Fine, I’ll have to take care of this myself.” He looked to Laura. “Give me my whup’n hat.”
“Your cowboy hat is at the drycleaners since you spilled grape juice on it,” Laura informed him.
“Dag-nabbit, now I’m going to have to fight hatless!” Bush exclaimed. He approached Daschle with his dukes up, but Daschle grabbed Bush and tossed him across the room.
“Suddenly we Democrats feel so powerful!” Daschle exclaimed, laughing his weasel laugh, “And now we will take over the White House and do what you never did – find Saddam Hussein!”
“And then we’ll surrender to him!” Kerry added.
“And we’ll only do military action if the U.N. or French tell us too!” Dean laughed.
“But first we’ll crush you! Wha ha ha ha!” Big Fat Teddy K said.
“Help me, Laura; they’re going to hurt me!” Bush exclaimed.
Laura rolled her eyes. “I guess I have to do everything.” She sunk into a praying mantis fighting stance, and then sent Daschle flying out of the room with a series of kicks and punches.
“Kill the librarian!” Daschle yelled.
Kerry swung a chain at her, but she caught it and used the leverage to send him flying into Bush’s desk.
“Ah! That injured me!” Kerry yelled, “Just like I could have been injured while I served in Vietnam!”
Dean held up a bat. “I’m going to knock you out of power just like would left Saddam in!” He swung at Laura, but she ducked underneath and sweeped out Dean’s feet.
“Grerawerr!” Big Fat Teddy K growled as he charged Laura. She flipped out of the way, and Teddy K went head first into the wall.
“Time to die, ‘publican!” Dick the Knife screeched as he charged Laura from behind. With a flash of a sword, the knife was cut from Gephardt’s hand. “Ahh!” he screamed, clutching his wound, “That’s my hand for reaching into the pockets of taxpayers!”
“Hey, you helped her for free!” Bush yelled at Zatoichi.
Ichi laughed. “I didn’t see me do anything,” Ichi said, resheathing his sword. He then sniffed the air. “I smell patchouli oil. The hippies are flooding into the White House.”
“We need to get out of here,” Laura said, fixing her hair.
“To the helimocopter!” Bush yelled.

“Let’s see,” Buck said as he looked through his pack, “Got my knife for kill’n, got my rifle for kill’n, got my bullets for kill’n, got my grenades for kill’n, got my MRE’s so I can keep fed and kill, got my postcards to send home about my kill’n, and I got my ballpoint pen to use to write about kill’n, and, on the rare, occasion, for kill’n itself. I guess I’m ready to be deployed.”
He walked through the military base, but suddenly a glowing red figure appeared in the air, shooting down beams of red.
“I don’t what that is,” Buck said, “but it looks foreign to me!” Buck took out his M-16, chambered a round, and opened fire.
“Muh ha ha ha!” Cyber-Lenin laughed, “You’re pathetic weapons cannot harm me. Now face Pure Commie Evil!”
A red beam hit Buck’s M-16, turning it into a cheap imitation AK-47. “Dang it! This ain’t good for kill’n!” Buck yelled as he ran for cover from more shots of Cyber-Lenin’s Pure Commie Evil.
Soon, Cyber-Lenin had flown away, and all of the high-tech American equipment had been turned into cheap, Russian surplus. “Now us Marines will never get deployed!” Buck exclaimed, “And, without us kill’n for’ners, they’ll multiply like rabbits! God help us all.”

“Come on, Chomps, get angry at something,” Rumsfeld yelled.
Chomps just whimpered.
“I’m afraid the Pure Commie Evil has infected his body,” Condoleezza Rice informed him, “It’s made his white blood cells angry – very angry – and thus he has a high fever. I don’t think he’ll make it.”
“I’m sorry, Rumsfeld,” Scott said, “We can get you a new dog… and then psychologically scar him so he’ll be just like Chomps.”
“I don’t want a new dog!” Rumsfeld yelled, “I want Chomps back to his old angry self! What can we do to get the Pure Commie Evil out of him?”
“Any operation would only risk infecting ourselves,” Condi said, “but, if you destroy the carrier of this Pure Commie Evil, I think the infection will fade away.”
“So I need to kill Cyber-Lenin,” Rumsfeld stated, brimming with anger.
“Yeah, but he’s too powerful,” Scott said, “I just saw on the news he took out a military base. Why don’t we just hide down in this underground lab where it’s safe and we have cable and free sodas?”
“The sodas are not free!” Condi yelled, “There’s a cup right next to the fridge where you need to put fifty cents. It’s very clearly marked!”
Bush, Laura, and Zatoichi now walked into the lab. “The Democrats have the White House,” Bush said somberly.
“You little pansy!” Rumsfeld shouted, “How could you let the whiny little Donks take power.”
“Well, they we’re big and mean,” Bush answered defensively, “and they yelled at me… and I didn’t have my hat.”
“We need something with which to destroy Cyber-Lenin!” Rumsfeld demanded.
“I have something,” Condi said. A door on the wall opened up revealing a cybernetic suit. “It’s only a prototype. It was made by the lowest bidder, who then used the cheapest parts that would work to greatly increase their profit margin. When they prototype was finished, the corporation laid off hundreds of workers to raise their stock value. I.e., this suit is the product of pure capitalism.”
“So let’s have someone put it on and fight Cyber-Lenin,” Bush said.
Condi looked at him sternly. “We can’t just have anyone use it. For it to work properly, the user has to perfectly represent the chaotic rage that is capitalism. That’s why… Hey! Where’s the suit? And where is Rumsfeld?”
“I guess I better go with him,” Scott said with a look of resolve as he put back on his floral pattern cape and placed hit letter opener in his belt. He then ran out of the lab. “Super Scott away!”
Bush shook his head. “The new guy is such a dork.”
Laura just looked on in disbelief. “Tell me those were not my drapes.”

Can Uninhibited Capitalism defeat Pure Commie Evil? Can Bush get his White House back from the Hell’s Democrats? Will Buck ever get to kill more foreigners? Will Chomps survive the night? Will Scott defeat evil with his letter opener? And why is a librarian versed in multiple forms of martial arts?
Tune in Wednesday for these answers and less in the final installment, In My World: The Rumsfeld Strangler vs. Cyber Lenin Part III.