1) Who owns the only foundation repair company in Springfield?
2) Which singer helps Barney with his snow plow company advertising?
3) In “Homer’s Triple Bypass”, what does Barney think Homer is in the hospital for?
4) In “Marge Vs. The Monorail”, who does Quimby think Leonard Nimoy is?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.
Archive of entries posted on July 2006
Fun Trivia
Pacman is not the man, but a slave to his own urges!
Normally, I’m a loyal contributor to this site, but Frank J. has said something completely false and cruel about Pacman that demands correction.
I agree that Pacman is “100% violent” as Frank claims, but the violence isn’t about dots and ghosts.
The real victim in all of this is Pacman himself.
Pacman has a chronic eating disorder. He’s addicted to food, and it’s all the fault of the Pellet Manufacturing Industry Lobby and the software developers for making that food both plentiful and easily-available to him.
Not only is that food abundant, but it’s horribly unhealthy. The nutritional value of those pellets are next to nothing… as empty of nutrients as Altoids Mints (but without the curious strength).
I mean, why else would he need to eat so much of it? And what do you think he does in between that pause where he clears a screen and the next one is being set up?
That’s right. He vomits it all back up.
Don’t blame the ghosts. Don’t you dare blame the ghosts.
All the ghosts are just trying to do is to get Pacman to face his food addiction and get him to stop eating so much. The ghosts aren’t trying to chase and kill Pacman… they’re trying to keep Pacman from killing himself!
And that’s why the Power Pellets are there in the corners… it’s a conspiracy by the Pellet Manufacturing Industry Lobby to turn Pacman against the ghosts. The ones that are trying desperately to save him.
Oh, God, how I wish the misery would end! How I long for the day where Pacman could stick to a healthy diet of fruits, vegetables, nuts, and whole grains.
Instead, those are just tossed into the maze as “Bonuses” now and then as a token attempt to appease nutritionists and the tireless crusaders of the FDA.
End the violence, Pacman. Have some delicious rice cakes and soy milk.
I’ve received quite a lot of feedback regarding this post. Here’s one I thought was important.
It’s from someone named spanglyshorts@simmons.com:
Dear Laurence,
I’m all too familiar with the horror of video game characters trying to maintain unrealistic body images. With today’s graphics advances, anti-aliasing techniques, and rendering technologies the characters feel compelled to do unspeakable things to themselves to remain popular.
Just the other day, I was chatting with Lara C. about her constant fight with the scale. She has an amazing workout routine, but she just doesn’t feed herself properly. And then there’s that awful disfiguring and unbalancing plastic surgery she was talked into doing.
I’ve let her know that it’s okay to be a little heavy as long as you’re healthy. As long as you’re fit, healthy-heavy can give you a chance at another important H, and that’s happy.
Maybe when she stops fighting with herself, she can finally focus on fighting evil. Defeat the enemy within yourself, and there’s no limit to what you can accomplish!
Making wishes everywhere come true,
Spangly Shorts
PS: Is there anything you can tell me that will get Gap-Toothed Variety Show Host to stop razzing me? All I want is a hug!
Thank you, Spangly Shorts, and good luck with your never-ending quest to win Gap-Toothed Variety Show Host’s eternal affection.
Pacman Is the Man!
Apparently, some group that was discussing violence in videogames rated Pacman as 64% violent.
That’s crazy.
The way I play Pacman, it’s a 100% violent. As soon as Pacman is on screen, it’s a total massacre. And then, Pacman’s chief always calls him into his office and is like:
CHIEF: Pacman! I told you to get those dots off the streets, not litter the streets with bodies!
PACMAN: I’m just getting the job done, chief!
CHIEF: Your job is to eat those dots and to power up and apprehend any ghosts you see.
PACMAN: Why? As soon as I bust a ghost, those liberal judges have him right back out on the streets seconds later. It’s time to take them out for good!
CHIEF: It’s time you listen to me! I want your badge!
Then Pacman totally swears out the chief while I’m like, “Yeah, Pacman! You do things your way!”
And, even without his badge, Pacman goes back out and starts totally killing everyone who gets in his way again until he’s finally done in by his own heroin addiction.
They sure don’t make games like that anymore.
I Want Your Money
I’ve failed to mention all the great new designs by Harvey at the IMAO Store. I especially love the “Grammar Tip” one. He has a few more designs which I still need to add.
I’ll have to put up some new designs myself and finally put out another newsletter which will include the official explanation for what IMAO stands for (ThoseShirts.com has a shorter explanation in its FAQ, but the official explanation will be a bit more complex).
If I want your money, I need to work a bit harder for it.
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) (T/F) Mrs. Glick once cried, “I’m old and there’s wolves after me!”
2) What is Smithers’ first name?
3) When Krusty fakes his death, what is the name of the plane he crashed?
4) Where do the Simpson’s move to avoid Sideshow Bob?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.
Friday Catblogging
Since it’s Friday, I thought I’d spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka “I-MEOW”).
Of course, this will likely get caught in the series of tubes Senator Ted Stevens claims the Internet is made out of, but I just happen to have IMAO’s copy of the map of tubes and I found a compass in my Cracker Jack box.
Anyway, it’s time for Piper the Sneaky:
If you’re not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that “political humor” thing, it doesn’t. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is… um…
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for “catblogging.”
You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog. Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness. There’s also a Flikr Group called Furry Friday.
Add to that Weekend Catblogging at Eatstuff.
Anybody I miss?
Culture of Something or Other
Patterico puts forth the case with clear-cut evidence that Glenn Greenwald engages in sock puppetry. The question then becomes: So what?
The left-wing, nutsroots crowd of the blogosphere has been involved in a lot of moronic behavior from Kos’s “screw ’em” comments to their current obsession with taking down fellow Democrat Joe Lieberman (apparently since they’ve yet to have any success against the admittedly weak Republicans). Maybe each of these incidents are nothing in themselves, but it does suggest their a certain culture to the nutsroots… a “Culture of Patheticness”, perhaps?
Or does a phrase like that need alliteration (“Culture of Crazy” seems too obvious)?
What are your ideas for characterizing the muckadoo wing of the blogosphere?
The Continuation of Hellbender
The “MAYBE…” at the end of the last part of Hellbender wasn’t done with the intention of provoking a response from the readers (I know a number of people are enjoying the series and was happy to continue it). The reason is that I’m thinking of going a different direction with it. The scope of the story kept growing, and I began to realize I couldn’t do a statisfying short story. Thus, though initially not quite satisified with Hellbender, I’m thinking of making it my first novel attempt, going back to the beginning and completely rewriting it and bulking it up with novel length in mind.
So, it’s a creative decision. While I will hack out humor with reckless abandon, I’m a bit more careful if I think I have a good story idea. Thus, I don’t think I’m going to finish Hellbender in its current form because I’d just be finishing it to finish it and I now have a much better story in mind.
More news as events occur…
King of Beers? Indeed
Basil has the scoop on the puppy blender’s new beverage of choice. He may have stopped it by exposing it; good work, Basil!
Confession is good for the soul-less
After weeks of bloody conflict, a weary Kofi Annan pens a heartfelt confession to his long-lost lover…
Dear Yasser,
I certainly expected the widespread destruction in Gaza after the killing and kidnapping of Israeli soldiers, but I didn’t anticipate the disproportionate attacks on Lebanon.
I knew I should have planned this all out more carefully.
I’m so much better at telling peacekeeping forces to turn their backs on massacres and murders, like in Kosovo and Rwanda, or the kidnapping of the Israeli soldiers in 2000. Or the Congo. Or East Timor. Or…
Look at me, bragging again.
Oh well. The worst part of this whole thing is that it’s getting hard to keep the soldiers hidden in the headquarters building. Everyone thinks they’re in the Iranian embassies in Gaza and Beirut, but they just held them for me before I could arrange “diplomatic” transport.
It’s almost like a damned Marx Brothers movie. Maids keep walking in on me as I’m sticking tasers in the soldiers’ faces, but they’re easily sent back to the Amazonian tribes we kidnapped them from.
Commissary asks why I’m ordering extra meals to be sent to my office every day. Wolf Blitzer even noticed them in the corner during an interview a few days ago, but I told him to say nothing and he’s been good for it ever since.
One managed to grab a phone and tried to call his embassy, but thank God we haven’t paid the phone bill in weeks. I guess Kojo dipping his hand into the till every now and then has its advantages.
We pass the time by playing Bridge, letting various OIC delegation representatives torture confessions out of them, and listening to jazz classics. When I go home at night, Mark Malloch Brown (you remember him, don’t you? he says hi) takes over and reads them Nabka stories.
Thank God I came in early yesterday. Marky was trying to burn one of their flags in front of them and I grabbed it out of his hand and stomped it out before the sprinkler system went off.
I didn’t realize we didn’t have a functioning sprinkler system up on this floor. until later that afternoon, so I’ve made burning and stomping their flags a regular thing now. It’s so much easier to do it in my office than out in the park, and there’s no tourists or press ro catch me, either.
Then there’s this whole deliberate targeting of the UNIFIL post. I told Nasrallah he could just use the bases for Poker Night and the occasional storage of weapons. Maybe using them for cover, but they’d have to return any blue helmets they borrowed from the armory to hide their identity. I didn’t realize he’d start using them for cover all of the time.
Oh well. I’d better plan trips to China, Austria, Finland, and Canada to make nice with the families and convince them to go all Corrie on the Jews for killing their kids. Never a dull day, right?
Those damn Australians, saying that sending troops to the area before a permanent cease-fire would be a suicide mission. Now I’ve got hundreds of thousands of applications from Iran and Palestine and Pakistan demanding to sign up for that mission. It’s hard enough to budget for the helmets and ambulances, but it’s been a long time since the General Assembly authorized the procurement of virgins for peacejihadis… I mean peacekeepers.
I’d better wrap this up before that barbarian John Bolton comes up here and kicks the door down. I still miss you, and don’t get all jealous at the photos people are putting up of me an Nasrallah hugging and shaking hands and smiling. We’re just the best of friends.
My deepest love,
Kofi
PS: Say hi to Zarky for me! Tell him I still have his copy of “Fountainhead.”
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 21 – Ants
BEGINNING OF STORY
PREVIOUS (PART 20)
Vera stared at the rubble of her research building and the workers scurrying about it like ants after the destruction of an anthill.
“That must have been fun.”
Dumalt appeared as a large man with short dark hair and darker eyes that easily reduced to a quivering mass any fool that met them. He wore the uniform of a general, but he never appeared very interested in leading people. Vera turned to him. “They stole my research and blew up my research building. I am not in a good mood.”
“And what can we do about it?”
“They’re mercenaries, Dumalt.”
He smiled broadly. “So the treaties don’t apply?”
Vera never got as much enjoyment out of inflicting physical harm on people as Dumalt did, but she couldn’t help but smile a bit at the thought of the fate that awaited those who crossed her. “No, they don’t. It’s open season on these humans.”
“Excellent. I hate those damn treaties; we can’t kill each other’s humans, and, if I kill too many of ours, I get yelled at. I feel almost as restricted as before the Great War.”
“Do we know where they are?”
“Yes, their vehicle was spotted landing in the wastelands. I’ll tell our troops to hang back and leave them to me.”
“To us.” Vera’s expression turned more serious. “One of them knew who we are.”
“What? Are you sure?”
“He called me one of ‘The Fallen’ and didn’t appear at all surprised when their weapons failed to harm me.”
Dumalt’s smile faded. This was no longer just an opportunity to have some fun tearing some humans limb from limb. “Should we tell Asmod?”
“Let’s find out exactly what they know first.”
Dumalt frowned. “I’m not very good at reading men’s minds.”
Vera laughed. “It’s simple; just hurt them until they tell us what they know.”
Dumalt smiled again. “And then?”
“And then, my friend, you do whatever else to them pleases you.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
MAYBE…
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen’s Universe!
(NOTE: Frank J.’s hastily hacked together stories are in no way supported or condoned by Baen)
In My World: Democrats: Bolton Still a ‘Bully’
Democrats on Thursday said they remain opposed to President Bush’s pick for U.N. ambassador, contending that John Bolton has not yet repaired his reputation as an ineffective “bully.”
Bolton was noticeably disturbed by this characterization, and proceeded to give numerous Senate Democrats wedgies while forcing others to eat dirt. He then made every Senate Democrat hand over his or her lunch money (or, in Ted Kennedy’s case, his booze money).
In other news, Senator Joe Biden held an impromptu press conference where, while held in a headlock by John Bolton, he admitted for the first time that he is in fact a “little girl.”
How to solve the energy crisis: hook Henry Luce’s rapidly spinning corpse to a dynamo
Time hits bottom, stops digging, and instead gossips about it having anal sex – and you are there:
Ana Marie Cox has been named Washington Editor of TIME.com, it was announced today by Richard Stengel, managing editor of TIME. Her appointment is effective July 31, 2006.
Cox joined TIME in March 2006, as a contributing writer. In her new role she will be coordinating TIME.com’s political coverage as well as continuing to create features and essays for both the print and online editions.
Prior to her experience at TIME, Cox was the founding editor of the political blog Wonkette.
“Ana Marie is a sharp and witty observer of the Washington scene and has the ability to spot political angles in surprising places,” says Stengel. “In her new role, she’ll bring her great web instincts to covering the hot topics of the day.”
Surprising places? What… pants?