Bush looked at the proposal for the new 700 mile wall to be built on the Mexican border. “We’re going to have to drive by a lot of Home Depots to find enough day laborers to build this thing.”
Cheney then came into the Oval Office and turned the TV on. “You have to see the new DNC ad.”
A black and white picture of Mark Foley appeared on screen. “The Republicans is the party of pedophilia,” an announcer said.
Gerry Studds appeared on screen. “Back in 1983, I was caught having sex with a 17 year-old male page, and the Democrats censured me. That taught me my lesson for the numerous terms in the House I served afterwards. One thing I never did, though, was e-mail or chat online with that page; that’s just sick. All the Republican leadership should resign over that.”
Mel Reynolds appeared on screen. “As a Congressman, I was involved with a 16-year-old campaign volunteer. In, 1995 I was convicted on 12 counts of sexual assault, obstruction of justice and solicitation of child pornography. I then was convicted for bank fraud, furthering my spiral of decline. Luckily, Bill Clinton pardoned me, helping me with the healing process. Why hasn’t George W. Bush pardoned Mark Foley? Is it because President Bush approves of the behavior?”
The announcer came back on. “The Democratic Party: Against buggering youths for almost a week now.”
Cheney turned the TV off. “The Democrats are really trying to make an issue of this. Frankly, it’s the only issue they’ve been able to come up with this year.”
Just then, Representative Barney Frank barged into the office with a young attractive woman at each side. Behind him came a Muslim imam. “It has come to our attention that there are hidden gays in the Republican party, and, as we know, they are preying on children. Thus, the Democratic party has taken it upon itself to ferret out any gays in office for the public’s safety.”
“Huh? Wasn’t a gay prostitution ring once run out of your apartment?” Bush asked.
“What! That’s ridiculous!” Barney Frank exclaimed. “I’m as straight as they come.” He looked to his two floozies. “Isn’t that right Starla and Bambi.”
“Barney Frank is more man than we can handle,” Starla said.
“He’s so much man it’s scary,” Bambi said.
“He’s so manly that he sleeps with other men and…”
“That’s enough,” Barney Frank interrupted. “Anyway, we’re going to locate all the gay menace in the Republican Party, and, in a show of religious diversity, we’re going to handle them in the traditional Islamic way.”
“We’ll collapse a wall on them,” the imam said.
“It’s in the Koran,” Barney Frank added, “or, at least, I think it is. Religious books tend to be kinda long, you know?”
Bush noticed a boy standing near the imam. “Is that your assistant?” Bush asked the imam.
“He’s just someone I keep with me!” the imam answered quickly.
Barney Frank then pointed at Bush in an accusatory way. “Isn’t it true you had a drinking problem!”
“Well… yeah. So I quite drinking.”
“Was it because the drinking caused you to lust after young boys like it did Mark Foley?” Barney Frank exclaimed.
“No! That’s crazy!”
The imam then ran up towards Bush. “Admit your homosexual desires! Isn’t it true that you’re so disgusted by the sight of women that you want to dress them all up like frumpy ninjas?”
“Only Nancy Pelosi!” Bush then thought for a moment. “Wait, what are you talking about?”
“Can you idiots get out of here?” Cheney snarled.
Barney Frank walked over to Cheney. “This questioning would make you uncomfortable, wouldn’t it? As both John Edwards and John Kerry tactfully pointed out in the 2004 debates, your daughter is a lesbian. As we all know, gayness is genetic. Thus, you’re gay!”
The imam ran up to Cheney. “You have the characteristic snarl of a gay pedophile! Admit you’re gay and accept your punishment!”
The imam was then blasted in the face with a shotgun, surprising no one.
“You peppered my imam with a salt shell!” Barney Frank yelled. “That’s wrong on so many levels!”
Cheney chambered another round. “Yet it felt so right. Now get your trash out of here!”
“Yeah! Get out of here, you gay-bashing homos!” Bush said. “You and the Democratic Party may hate gays, Barney Frank, but we love them.”
After Barney Frank dragged the imam out of the room, Bush turned to Cheney. “We do love gays, right?”
Cheney shook his head.
“Aww! Everything is so confusing now!”

“The Democrats continue their search to ferret out the gay menace within the Republican Party,” the news anchor said. “Gay Republicans are a danger to children, they say, and must all be located and locked up. They are also focusing on bloggers and blog readers, who, as commonly known, are all gay and like to molest children… except for Frank J. of IMAO.us who exudes so much masculinity with each letter he types that other men find him threatening.
“As part of our own reporting, we sent a reporter and camera crew to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s house to question him on whether he is gay.” The anchorman bowed his head solemnly. “There were no survivors.”
Bush turned from the TV to Condoleezza Rice. “We can’t let the Democrats control this issue. I want you to stop work on the blood test for detecting cylons and instead make a blood test for detecting the gays infiltrating our society. We need to stop them and their sympathizers!”
“Okay, I guess,” Condi said. “I was just humoring you with the cylon test anyway.”
“And we’ll need humor when the gays finally attack, coming at us in their gay planes and gay tanks and shooting at us with their gay bullets.”
Condi frowned. “I think you might be getting a little carried away.”
Bush hung his head. “You’re right. I even collapsed a wall on Senator Frist today. After what he said sounded like he was suggesting we negotiate with the Taliban, I was sure he was infected with gay madness.” Bush spotted Tony Snow. “Hey, Snowman, I have a statement I want you to deliver to the press.”
“Sure. What is it?”
“I want it to be known that this homophobia is so gay. Anyone obsessed with it is a homo, and there’s nothing the Republicans hate more than homos!”
Tony thought about that. “I might phrase that differently.”