“So now I reveal my awesome pick for running mate,” Barack Obama told the assembled crowd. “Joe Biden.”
There was silence and some coughing from the audience.
“I will remind you that I am Obama — the One — and everything I do is perfect and should not be questioned!”
The crowd cheered enthusiastically for Biden. “You’re the best, Obama!” one of the reporters yelled.
“I just want to say that Turok Osama here is very clean and articulate for a black man.” Biden patted Obama on the head. “I think he’s a great candidate — not as good as McCain — but still pretty good.”
“Why did you wait until 3 AM to send the announcement text message?” a reporter asked.
“Well, I started working on it at 6 PM,” Obama said, “but those text messages are hard. I mean, like each number represents three or four letters… and I forget how you do the punctuation. But, hey eventually I got that message out. And that’s the determination I plan to bring to my presidency… to hit buttons until things get done!”
“Isn’t Bocka Yo’Mama precious! Just look at those ears!” Biden flicked one of Obama’s ears.
“Did you pick Biden to fill your experience gap?” a reported.
“I don’t have an experience gap!” Obama answered indignantly.
“Blasphemer!” another member of the press yelled at the reporter.
“But Biden does have more experience at the… uh… stuff with… er… countries that aren’t ours…”
“Foreign policy,” Biden assisted.
“See, he knows that stuff.”
“What do you have experience at?” the reporter asked.
“Well… uh… today I made myself a sandwich.”
“We ate at Subway,” Biden said.
“Where I told them exactly what I wanted on my sandwich which is a lot like making it!”
“You didn’t like your sandwich.”
“Shut up!”
“So who do you think McCain will pick as his VP?”
“Certainly no one as good as Biden,” Obama said.
“Certainly no one with my IQ,” Biden scoffed. “Hopefully he’ll not be dumb enough to pick Jindal who right now is finding out that running a state government isn’t anything like running a 7-11.”
“So… uh… do you think that Biden’s gaffes may be a problem,” a reporter asked.
“It’s well documented that Biden’s brain trails his mouth. For instance, his brain his still probably processing what he had for breakfast while his mouth is reacting to things now, but that’s something we can deal with.”
“Did you guys see the Olympics.” He stretched his eyes with his fingers. “Want to see my imitation of the Chinese?”
“That’s okay,” Obama told him. He turned back to the press. “Anyway, Biden should help with our down to earth image. By the way, did you see how many houses McCain has?” He chuckled. “I bet he doesn’t even know the price of organic arugula since he always sends his servants to Whole Foods to pick it up for him. I’ve only done that a couple times.”
“You think Biden will connect with middle America?” a reporter asked.
“Of course I will, idiot!” Biden yelled. “Except with those gun owners. They’re all deranged! We need to lock them all up!” He thought for a moment. “But if I try to lock them up, they may shoot me. I’ll need to poison them while they sleep. Yeah, that’s it: We need to poison gun owners.”
“Uh… remember… he knows a lot about foreign policy!” Obama tried to say cheerily.
“We should write to check of $200 million to al Qaeda. Maybe then they’ll like us!” Biden said.
“You want to give money to terrorists?” an incredulous reporter asked.
“I graduated twice as Valedictorian from my high school!” Biden shouted. “Don’t you question me!”
“Could you shut up!” Obama said to him angrily. “I never wanted you as my running mate! I wanted Sebelius! I was told I needed you for your experience!”
“Yeah, weren’t you only eleven when I first entered the Senate, Ongo Bongo?” Biden laughed. “You were just a little knee-biter then. And now look at you.” Biden looked at Obama for a moment. “You kinda look like a monkey.” Biden turned to the press. “Doesn’t he look like a monkey? I mean, they say Bush looks like a monkey, but I think Yamaha is even more monkey-like.” A thought seemed to strike Biden. “I’m not saying that because he’s black, though; I’m saying it because of his monkey features.”
Obama sighed. “I think we’re done for now.”