Barack Obama doesn’t look like the presidents on the dollar bills. We should not vote for him because of that.

Did you know that Water on Mars may have been confirmed? Do you know how important this is?
I sure don’t. I’m pretty sure we have plenty of water here. The other day it was falling on me and it made me mad.
I guess what is it important about it is that you need water for life, so there’s the possibility of life on Mars. And do you what life does? It dies. And do you know what dead things do? They become oil!
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
If McCain really wants to shake this election up, he need to come out and announce, “I propose a manned mission to Mars within my presidency. And when we get to the planet, we will drill the mother@#$%.”
You can get more hope and change than drilling Mars for oil.
Of course, environmentalists are going to be screaming, “You can’t drill on Mars! You’ll ruin its pristine prissiness!”
I hate those people! I wish could drill them in the stomach with a big industrial drill!
The fact is, Mars is an enemy planet. That been long established. We can drill it all we want and we shouldn’t feel bad. It’s not like I’m proposing we drill right in Olympus Mons. Mars is big — like bigger than Alaska — there are plenty of places to drill.
So what if there is life on Mars and they get angry at us for taking their oil? Here’s the thing: They’re homeless. Since it’s most people understanding that you have to have a home on Earth to not be considered homeless, all life on Mars is homeless. And common law says we can do whatever we want to homeless people since they don’t have homes. So I say we lock them up in Gitmo.
“But didn’t the Supreme Court say we can’t lock anyone up in Gitmo?” you ask. I planned for that. We also lock the Supreme Court up in Gitmo. Then when people go to the Supreme Court to complain about us locking up Martians, they’ll be like, “Where is everyone?” Because the only one there will be angry, violent Scalia, and he’ll rule as he always rules: “Kill them all!!!”
Wait; how do we get the oil back? Maybe a large catapult? Or I could repurpose the Mexi-Cannon™. We’ll hammer something out.

Some Operation Needs More PC suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.
You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.

Hi,
What a wonderfull organization you are. Its about time that an organization tried to united everybody in the fight against global warming. I am so inspired by youre ads on tv, especially the one where all the people with opposite viewpoints are sitting by each other on a couch holding signs.
I hope that that commercial was produced in a studio. Because if you were in the mountians like it looked, you would have had to drive trucks full of people and equipment into such a pristeen area. If you did that, then your releasing pollution into the nearly clean air. I wouldn’t want people to think your organization is hippocritical. We need to practice what we teach, therefore more people will join us in the fight to save our fragile planet. Keep fighting the good fight.
I love to be left, so I can’t be right,
Ted Blight

Dear WE,
I have no one to turn to, I want to help save the planet but my parents voted for BushHitler and say I’m to young to understand. They’re wrong! I just know that its all the bad/evil people out they trashing our earth!
The only person who understood how I felt was my English teacher. I would stay after class with him and watch The inconvient truth over and over again. But he had to leave suddenly, (the school said for personal reasons but I don’t believe them either), and all the websites he gave me are all blocked on my parents computer due to adult content).
I don’t understand. Please help me!
Wilting Flower

I’m really thrilled to finally have found a solution to killing our planet. My spiritual guide says I have eco-anxiety and that donating my time and money to the environment will help me 🙂
Could I make one tiny suggestion? As a pacifist I found the term “take action” to be extremely violent and vulgar. Nothing good comes from violence and the term seems to incite aggression. I care very much for the planet but I cannot take part in a movement that condones violence. Could you possibly change that offensive term to something less violent like “become involved”?
Aside from that I feel really great about stopping global warming and I can’t wait to Become Involved (lol). Thanks for the good work WE.
Eli Yakelashik

Like those? Say so.
Think you can do better? Then do so.
Submit your Operation Needs More PC suggestion for improving WE’s offensive web site to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad).

Frank received a letter from the RNC yesterday. Simply seeing a letter from those clueless losers makes me collapse in fits of giggles, because I know they’re going to ask for money, and the answer is always a resounding “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Anyway, y’all know where this is going, so I’ll just get started.
First, the date:

Wednesday Morning

Hey, that’s today’s date (well, it was this morning)! Seriously, what kind of date is “Wednesday Morning”? We get those roughly fifty-two times a year. I’m starting to think they recycle these letters. Dear Mr. J, blah blah blah, ah.

I don’t want to believe you’ve abandoned the Republican Party

I don’t want to believe the Republican Party’s abandoned me either, but I also didn’t want to believe that they killed off Captain America or that Buffy broke up with Spike. Lousy do-gooder.

but I have to ask… Have you given up?

Um, duh? Has any conservative not given up?

Our records show we have not yet received your Republican National Committee membership renewal for the critical 2008 presidential election year.

Presumptive much? Your records should also show you have not yet received our Republican National Committee membership renewal since about 2004, when the Republicans started acting like they didn’t win that election and started being like Democrats with the spending and the hating conservatives.

As the Treasurer of the RNC, I know our Party’s success depends directly on grassroots leaders like you.

What? The Treasurer wrote this letter? Why don’t you just get the RNC Historian to write to us so we know just how important we are?

So I am surprised and concerned especially because I know how generously you supported President Bush and the RNC in the past.

And after that generous support, imagine our surprise when President Bush and the RNC started screwing us every chance they got! (Except lately, with the oil thing, but he should have done that ages ago.)

You helped to advance our vision for America and elect Republicans at all levels of government.

Hey, we accept no credit/blame for anyone but the conservative one. Or two. There are two, right? Please tell me there are two.

Mr. J, I know other things come up, and perhaps you’ve just been delayed in renewing your membership. If that’s the case, I understand.

I hope you also understand that we hate you and would moon you from the back seat if we passed you on the highway.

But we’ve not heard from you this year — and I hope you haven’t deserted our Party.

Party with a capital P. They’re important.

Your generous financial assistance and active involvement are more important than ever as we work to elect a new Republican president and Congress.

But we asked for a conservative president and Congress, not Republican ones. Sorry to nitpick.

There is so much at stake. The Democrats are determined to put a liberal like Barack Obama in the White House,

The Republicans are determined to put a liberal like John McCain in the White House, so your argument would have gone better if you’d called Obama a socialist.

expand their narrow majorities in the U.S. House and Senate, and push our country to the Left [again with the capitals?] with their agenda of high taxes, big government and weakened national security.

Big government and weakened national security. That reminds me of this one time when the president passed every bill the big government Democrats put in front of him and this other time when John McCain decided that sovereign borders have nothing to do with national security. Good times.

Continue reading ‘Fish in a Barrel – A Letter from the RNC’ »

I haven’t been very helpful to the McCain campaign, but I still am a registered Republican (until I finally register in Idaho where you don’t register to a party — I guess they just assume you’re a Republican), so I guess I should help some. Since he’s finally running some negative ads, I thought I might suggest some new, even negativier ads.
FRANK NEGATIVE AD IDEAS
Negative Ad 1:

VOICE OVER: Obama is a stupid, dangerous man. He has no experience in dealing with foreign affairs and will put out country at risk. Here he is with his head stuck in a bucket while Ahmadinejad steals his wallet.
(picture then comes on screen — it’s okay to use photoshop in a negative ad, right?)
VOICE OVER: If you vote for Obama, you’re guilty of murdering us all!

Negative Ad 2:

VOICE OVER: Obama is known to frequently hang out with racists, terrorists, Communists, pirates, hippies, pedophiles, and lawyers. Do you want those people in the White House? If Obama is elected president, they’ll be over all the time. You’ll probably be attacked by them if you go on the White House tour. Vote for John McCain. You don’t have to worry about his friends; they all died from old age.

Negative Ad 3:

VOICE OVER: New scientific studies show that voting for Obama makes you gay. Just look at Chris Matthews. If you vote for Obama, you may have to go to Massachusetts to get married which could be very expensive. Instead, vote for McCain and be a heterosexual and get married in any state you want.

Negative Ad 4:

VOICE OVER: Obama is secretly a Muslim who wants to use America’s nukes against itself. He denies this, but he’s already lied to the Canadians about his support for NAFTA so we can’t trust them. Vote for John McCain; he doesn’t even know how to use those newfangled nuclear missiles.

Negative Ad 5

VOICE OVER: Look at those freakish ears! Just look at them! Frankly, Obama has too much wind resistance to be president. Just the other day I saw Dumbo laughing at Obama for being a big-eared freak. The guy should be a circus sideshow, not the president. Vote for John McCain. He has normal ears.

Negative Ad 6:

VOICE OVER: Obama is a socialist who will take all your money. If you’re lucky, he’ll give you some of it back — but he probably won’t. I know you’re thinking Obama isn’t very big and you can just knock him down and take your money back, but Obama will have Secret Service agents who will be big and they will knock YOU down. Vote John McCain. If he knocks you down, it’s only because he’s angry — not because he wants to take your money.

So those are a few of my ideas. What do you think negative ads should attack Obama on?

Did you know the Democrats are in charge of Congress?
I keep forgetting that. I get focused on how much my party sucks I forget all about the Democrats, and it’s pretty easy to do because I can’t actually name anything they’ve done — for good or ill. All there has been since the Republicans lost power is more whining and that’s about it.
So what exactly do the Democrats do all day? Being a congressman is supposed to be a full time job, but I can’t imagine them actually filling their days considering voting on a bill once a week. Since we pay them salaries, why not have them do other, more useful jobs as well? They could be picking up trash all day, coordinate parking, and then give their little speeches and vote on their little bills in the late afternoon. There’s a ton of useful stuff we could have them do. Like, for instance, drugs being held up by the FDA because of lack of human trials could be tested on congressional Democrats.
Yeah, I know: What if one of those drugs gives them super-strength and they go on a rampage? That’s why part of my congressional jobs program is to install kill-switches in their brains. It will cause the Democrats intense pain if they ever try to harm a human. By the way, raising taxes counts as harming a human. So does having to hear them speak.
Oh, get off your high horse. “You’re taking away their free will!” you whine. Well, free will is overrated. I envision a Congress where are the Democrats are unthinking machines bred for one purpose: Tort reform. You may call me mad, but they also called Bruce Banner mad. And look at what he did! He grew big and green and smashed them all!
Anyway, I’m going to start working on tiny explosives. These sort of things always requires tiny explosives for one thing or another. What you all need to do is help get Barack Obama elected. McCain will never go for this plan because he’s not a team player, but Obama is easily manipulated. I’ll just make it seem like it was all his idea.

“What a smart idea to put mind controlling chips in the brains of Democrats. You are a good and smart president.”
“Me president!”
“Yes you are Obama. Yes you are.”

Hmm. I don’t know if my cordless drill will work for this. Well, it’s almost a full plan.

John Hawkins spent the weekend in New York to appear on Japanese television to talk about nuclear weapons. Believe it or not, I almost got invited to that based on my peace plan. I think I would have been a huge hit in Japan.
Anyway, it sounds like what I expected. The panel Hawkins was arguing against were a bunch of people with their heads in the sky arguing for all nuclear weapons to disappear and for it to rain gum drops. If any of those people actually cared about no one getting nuked, they’d have the courage to come up with some sort of realistic plan.
I’m all for America pretending to disarm itself to trick others to follow along, though, but I don’t think any countries will dumb enough to fall for it.

I do not seek the Vice Presidency and will not serve as Obama’s running mate if asked.

Apparently this Super Bowl-worthy ad for Snickers got pulled because it was deemed offensive to homosexuals. I sure hope Mr. T has pity on the fools.
When I was a kid, I always assumed Mr. T would be the first black president. Now it’s looking like it’s going to be Urkel. We’ve fallen so far…