My post last week about asteroids seemed to get a big reaction. That’s very heartening, because I was beginning to think that only I cared about asteroids. They could kill us all tomorrow, but the MSM just doesn’t seem to care.
They probably are in league with the asteroids! I was just thinking that too!
But who cares what side they’re on. They’re useless. Just like forest fires, stopping asteroids is up to us. And if you think this is a laughing matter, why don’t you ask the dinosaurs about them?
You can’t, because they’re all dead!
That’s right. The asteroids killed all the dinosaurs while sparing almost everything else. That’s called genocide. I could almost understand asteroids if they just mindlessly killed everything, but they’re something more evil about the thought that goes into genocide. The asteroids were like, “The dinosaurs think they rule the planet, but let’s kill them all and show them who is powerful!” After their killing was done, they turned to the dragonflies, birds, and giant sloths and said, “If any of you gets uppity, we’ll be back!”
So who do you think the asteroids are going to genocide this time? The squirrels? No, they’re coming for humanity. They’re jealous of our shiny building and Nintendo Wiis and they are going to kill us for it. The question becomes who is in league with the asteroids? Who benefits most from the destruction of humanity? The Irish? The teamsters? Hippies?
I think we know the answer: Monkeys. They also hate humanity, and thus are a natural ally of the asteroids. They believe that an asteroid must kill all humans so they can have their planet of the apes as prophesied by the monkey god Hanuman. They probably have some special monkey signal to direct the asteroids towards us and tell them when our defenses our down. It’s probably a little monkey dance of some sort. You’ll be like, “Oh! Look at the cute monkey!” and then BAM! You’re dead. And then God won’t let you into Heaven for watching an unclean animal dance.
It’s the perfect plan, so we have to be even perfecter.
I asked the presidential candidates what their plans are for dealing with the asteroids. Here is how McCain responded:

“I’ve twice lived through a giant asteroids colliding with the earth, and it was no big deal. Frankly, I think all the asteroids and Mexicans that want to come to America should be allowed to come, and if any of you conservatives complain about it I’ll have you locked up for violating campaign finance law!”

And here is what Obama said:

“This is an issue I’ve thought deeply about, as reflected by my strongly voting ‘present’ on the Defense Against Asteroids bill. We have to look at both sides and realize that through hope and change, we can come to the appropriate conclusion. What we shouldn’t do is be cynical. That’s why I–“

At that point, I grabbed him by his ears, shook and him, and yelled, “Just answer the question!” but he started crying.
Obviously, the government is useless. We have to handle the asteroids ourselves. We need to form an asteroid watch, where we all take turns watching the skies for asteroids. And it’s not just the ones coming near us we have to worry about; there are also the ones that come near on a reconnaissance mission.
And then we have to strike back at them!
That’s right. They’ll just be sitting at home in the asteroid belt and then POW! They get hit by something and get a taste of their own medicine. So what’s heavy we can launch at them? I’m thinking canned food. Everyone go door to door and tell people you’re collecting can food to launch at asteroids. With enough time and effort, we can strike back at those asteroids. There won’t be any safe haven for them. For too long we’ve left them alone to plot against us, but now we’re going to force them out of our solar system.
Or they’ll just get really angry and hit us all at once. But, hey, better to go down fighting.