PREVIOUS
“Chi-something, you there?”
“I am here, Doug.” Came a voice from his cell’s toilet. “It’s Chimezie.”
“Chimezie.” Doug tried to repeat.
“Close enough.”
“I was talking with some woman through here earlier… but she didn’t seem to speak English. She was crying. I don’t think she understood me.”
“I’m sure you helped her just by talking to her,” Chimezie said. “They seem to have mainly taken immigrants — people who will not be noticed to be missing. I came here from Africa.”
“I thought that place was all dead.”
“Not all of it.” Chimezie paused for a moment. “Things are very bad there, but the Transcendents — the Demons — had no interest in it. Still, I came here looking to be part of the civilized world. All I found was evil, though.” He was silent again. “I should never have left my home.”
“No. Someone has got to stop this, and it might as well be us. I got good news on that. I…” Doug thought a moment how best to express things. “Um… I like saw into another realm when Ronove tried to destroy my soul. I could see it wasn’t working, and I saw him and he’s like nothing… at least wherever I was I was the more powerful one. And I saw the barrier linked to the cube. Even he was intimidated by it. If we could somehow trap them behind it, we’d be free of them for good.”
“How would we do that?”
Doug thought for a while. “I guess I don’t know. Still, it seems like progress.”
“Yes it does. It is what I pray for. Most here are losing faith, though. Ronove’s experiments are hard on many. He seems to be trying to study how things in this world can affect the soul such as trauma or physically affecting the brain.” His voice trailed off for a moment. “We all live through it, though.”
Doug got the message. None of this should go on even a day longer. “I don’t know what to do, Chimezie. I saw outside, and I don’t even know how my friends will get here. I guess we really have to work on our own plan… except I’m not really good at that sort of thing.”
“We must have faith in God. All things are possible through Him.”
Doug wondered how long Chimezie had been here asking God to help him, but didn’t want to burst the guy’s bubble. “I want to believe in stuff like that, but I remember how as a kid I believed in Santa Claus, but I still never got any presents.”
“God is real, Doug.”
“Then He better do something about all this soon. There’s a lot of crap in this world, and if He really has the power, then He should take care of it.”
“We must take action,” Chimezie said. “And when we have faith, God will help us.”
Stuck in a small dark cell, Doug wasn’t really sure of any action he could take. He knew there was something he could do — he saw it — but he had no idea how. And he had no idea how to figure out how to do it either.
“Do you want me to tell you about Jesus, Doug?”
“Not really.” He really didn’t want to clutter his head with any other hard to grasp concepts. “He fought evil, right?”
“Yes, and He cast out demons.”
“Okay, you can go ahead and tell me about him… but first get away from the toilet for a sec and stop listening.”
“Why?”
“I have to pee.”
NEXT
Archive of entries posted on June 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Top Ten Controversial Supreme Court Decisions
There have been a number of controversial Supreme Court decisions this year other than Heller. Here they are in properly numbered order.
TOP TEN CONTROVERSIAL SUPREME COURT DECISIONS
10. The 1st Amendment does not protect your right to talk like a pirate.
9. Godfather III is actually a pretty good movie if you take it on its own merits and don’t compare it to the previous two.
8. It’s completely Constitutional for a Justice to hit whomever he wants with his gavel, so watch your mouth.
7. If a cyborg cop punches into your chest and rips out your heart, it’s not an illegal search and seizure as long as he shows it to you while it’s still beating.
6. There’s nothing in the Constitution that would imply a restriction on setting hobos on fire.
5. Though we know it when we see it, that doesn’t mean that when we know it we’re done seeing it.
4. Execution by pit of doom is permissible because, while it may be cruel, it’s certainly not all that unusual.
3. You have to pay us more. It says that somewhere in the 14th.
2. It violates the 1st Amendment to compel people to rephrase answers in the form of a question.
And the number one controversial Supreme Court decision this year…
Continue reading ‘Top Ten Controversial Supreme Court Decisions’ »
WEsistance Challenge: Operation Helpful Idiot
I’ve been contacted by the WEtards, and they’ve asked for an address to ship the shirt to.
No mention of WEleadership, so I assume that’s now off the table. I’ll accept this as my failure for not making sure I had 50 names submitted in time.
Anyway, here’s the long-promised Stage 2, which I call
OPERATION HELPFUL IDIOT
The Premise: WE doesn’t just want numbers, they want participants. So I’m encouraging the people who signed up as WEtards (“I’s of the WEsistance”) to go to the WE contact page and leave a “helpful” suggestion for solving the climate crisis.
Suggested format:
1) Brief, enthusiastic gushing about the greatness of WE
2) Your brilliant idea for putting a stop to global warming, preferrably to be forced on America by the US government. This idea should be dumb and impractical, but not theoretically impossible (a suggestion like “Superman should eat the sun like an apple until its smaller size offsets global warming” is obviously fake. The goal here is more “fake but accurate”). Try to keep it under 200 words so that people will be more likely to pass it around to their friends in an e-mail.
3) Sign off with some cliche lefty slogan and your hippie alias.
Oh, and don’t be afraid to leave in a few typos and misspellings, just for flavor.
Sample letter:
Dear WE,
I’m so proud to be part of an organization that actually CARES about the EARTH and the FUTURE of our CHILDRN!
I think you’re doing a great job, but WE (I LOVE THAT NAME!) can do more. I’ve heard that cow burping cause’s a lot of greenhouse gas. I think farmers should be forced to put muzzles on all their cows. Like surgical masks, except they should be treated with a chemical that absorbs all that CO2. If you’re putting together a list for Congress, please include mine. Thx.
VOTE NADER ’08!
Summer Sunshine Rainbow Rabinowitz
Now, you don’t HAVE to be a member of WE to participate in Operation Helpful Idiot, but if you ARE signed up, it puts pressure on them to take you seriously, and there’s nothing more pathetically funny than a conflicted liberal.
After you leave your suggestion with WE, send a copy of it to me at wesistance@gmail.com. If I find your “helpful suggestion” to be brief, subtle, and at least moderately amusing, I’ll post it at IMAO so that others may enjoy it also.
The Solution to Our Crisis
Supreme Court Says 2nd Amendment Protects ‘Individual Right’, Law-Abiding Citizens Go On Shooting Sprees
WASHINGTON (AP) – The Supreme Court today ruled against local laws banning handguns by declaring that the Second Amendment guarantees an “individual right” to firearm ownership, and not just a “right to a well-regulated militia”. Immediately after the decision, law-abiding gun-owners began using their legal guns to commit violent crimes.
 |
“It’s like these guns are living objects, possessed by demons,” said gun-owner Mike Wazowski. “I was watching the Supreme Court ruling live on C-SPAN, and the next thing I remember, I was on the street, robbing people for crack money. Funny thing is, I don’t even know what crack LOOKS like, let alone ever smoked the stuff. It’s like the gun was forcing me to do it. These firearms are dangerous and out-of-control. I can’t believe the Supreme Court set free these weapons of malevolance incarnate on an unsuspecting nation.”
For decades, mayors of large cities claimed that local handgun bans, which kept guns out of the hands of law-abiding citizens, were the only way to cut down on levels of gun violence which had reached near-epidemic proportions. Now that model citizens are also armed, that epidemic has blossomed into a bloody pandemic.
“I warned you this would happen!” shrieked an outraged Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-California). “I’ve been saying for years that only way to keep our streets safe was to make sure that guns were kept out of the hands of the 99% of the population that obeys the laws. And just as I predicted, all an honest citizen has to do is LOOK at a gun and they will instantly pick it up and start shooting people!”
Since the Supreme Court announcement Thursday, the number of gun-related muggings, robberies, and murders has increased 10,000%, disproving once and for all the National Rifle Association’s trite assertion that “guns don’t kill people, people kill people”. As the victims of America’s new gun-violence tsunami would testify (if they were still alive) – it’s definitely the guns.
In My World: The Heller Decision
SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES
No. 07–290
DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA, ET AL., PETITIONERS v.
DICK ANTHONY HELLER
ON WRIT OF CERTIORARI TO THE UNITED STATES COURT OF
APPEALS FOR THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA CIRCUIT
[June 26, 2008]
JUSTICE SCALIA delivered the opinion of the Court.
We consider whether a District of Columbia prohibition on the possession of usable handguns in the home violates the Second Amendment to the Constitution.
We turn first to the meaning of the Second Amendment.
The Second Amendment provides: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” The two sides in this case have set out very different interpretations of the Amendment. Petitioners and today’s dissenting Justices believe that it protects only the right to possess and carry a firearm in connection with militia service. See Brief for Petitioners 11–12; post, at 1 (STEVENS, J., FLAMING HOMO, dissenting). Respondent argues that it protects an individual right to possess a firearm unconnected with service in a militia, and to use that arm for traditionally lawful purposes, such as self-defense within the home. See Brief for Respondent 2–4.
Having basic reading comprehension and not having our heads shoved up our asses, we agree with the latter. Furthermore, we have determined that anyone who agrees with the D.C. law is a little preening little nancy and should be beaten or shot for being a pinko. See Findings on the Tiny Penises of Gun Haters. More specifically, everyone in D.C. should immediately be given a gun, and anyone who protests should be shot in the groin, shot in the face, and then shot in the groin once more for good measure. Then their houses should be burned down. We’ll make a weekend of it. I’ll bring beer. See video from last year’s Supreme Kegger.
Guns are awesome. See any action movie. America is awesome. Therefore, anyone against guns is against America, and people against America should be injured and forcefully ejected from the country. See Ronald Reagan’s Treatise on Dealing with Hippies. In this spirit, I’ve shot dead the four dissenting Justices and buried them out back. See suspicious mounds of dirt behind the Supreme Court. This makes this now a unanimous 5-0 decision, and Justice Kennedy smartly lives another day.
The issue of incorporation was not brought before the Court, but out next step will be to grab our guns, form a posse, and head to Chicago. The citizens are disarmed, so they will be easy pickings and their stereos will become mine. See the barrel of my gun. I shall kill Mayor Daley and place his head upon a pike in the town square as an example to others. Usually the execution of laws falls on the Executive Branch, but I have the summer off and it sounds like fun.
We are aware of the problem of handgun violence in this country, and we take seriously the concerns raised by the many sissies and fascists who believe that prohibition of handgun ownership is a solution. Because we take their concerns seriously is why I kill them. The Constitution leaves the District of Columbia a variety of tools for combating that problem, including the non-fascist kind, but the enshrinement of constitutional rights necessarily takes certain policy choices off the table unless you want my boot up your ass. These include the absolute prohibition of handguns held and used for self-defense in the home. Undoubtedly some think that the Second Amendment is outmoded in a society where our standing army is the pride of our Nation, where well-trained police forces provide personal security, and where gun violence is a serious problem. I will find these people and kill them, or my name isn’t Anthony “The Bull” Scalia.
It is so ordered.
It’s Like Christmas, But With Guns
Which at my house, just means its like Christmas.
Anyway, I know you all were waiting to hear from me whether the Supreme Court confirming that the 2nd Amendment protects an individual right is a good thing or a bad thing, and I will tell you now that it is a good thing. I’ll have more analysis in the future on how this will affect you and the perps you plan on shooting.
New Obama Supporter
Indian group asks Hindu monkey god to lead Obama to election triumph.
And of course he’ll say yes.
I’m pretty sure Hanuman is really Satan. He’s the god of monkeys. Monkeys are evil. So Hanuman is the god of evil, i.e., Satan.
Anyway, anyone who supports monkeys obviously wants the destruction of all humanity, and electing Obama is probably a good way to start. I can just see him squealing, “Pretty button!” while mashing the nuclear launch button with his palm as his supporters watch and exclaim, “Obama smart! Me likee Obama!” The monkeys will be outside in a tree watching, both thrilled at the death of humanity while shaking their heads at Obama’s stupidity. They will then jump on D.C. tourists, eat their eyeballs, turn the eyeballs into poo, and then throw the poo at the now eyeless tourists.
It’s all destined to happen now that the monkey god is involved.
What does Hanuman look like anyway? I kinda assume he’s like the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons, except covered in monkeys instead of cats which he throws at passerbys while ranting gibberish. If I were president and had to visit India, I’d be like, “I’ll go there and eat some spicy food, but keep your monkey gods away from me or I will punch them.” And I don’t care if it’s a cultural faux pas to punch the monkey god; I will do it. Same as I will for any other Obama supporter.
(hat tip to reader James)
New Latin Mottos for Obama
Let’s be honest. The REAL reason Barry ditched his fake presidential seal was that his Latin slogan “Vero Possumus” was interpreted by most people to mean something like “I [heart] possums”. Which is all well & good for capturing the Granny Clampett vote, but lacks overall appeal for the general election.
But personally, I say he should keep the faux seal and just change up the motto – my suggestions for which I offer below.
NOTE TO LATIN SCHOLARS:I know many of these are either ungrammatical or even just flat wrong. I had to resort to a crappy online Latin translator as a baseline for these, and I tweaked some of the results to make them sound better. So if you’ll forgo the flames in the comments, I’ll make it up to you by writing “Romani Ite Domum” 100 times. Hail Caeser!
 |
- Sub Currus Vobis – Under The Bus With You
- Genus Tabellae Victoria – Race Card Triumphant
- Purus Articulatus Arrogantis Potius- Clean, articulate, arrogant, elitist.
- Iste Infantia Patris – Your Baby Daddy
- Non Terebratus Via Forus Hoc – Can’t drill your way out of this
- E LVII Unum – Out of 57, one.
- Quies Albi – Don’t criticize me, Whitey!
- Praeterquam Senex – At least I’m not old.
- Vostrum Novus Birotae – Barack Obama is your new bicycle.
- Semper Volo Ad Pactus – Always willing to negotiate.
- Cruor Tyrannis Dolor Mortis Atrocitas Miseria – Beloved man of the people.
Feel free to pile on in the comments.
Hire Liberals?
So apparently the Justice Department hasn’t been hiring liberals, but I don’t see the problem. You can refuse to hire people who are thieves, pedophiles, or dullards, so shouldn’t you similarly be able to refuse to hire a liberal? Plus, it’s unconscionable to give them money to support them being liberal and the weird liberal things they do. Hobo is the occupation God intended for liberals, and I don’t see why any of us should mess with that plan.
Proportional
So the Supreme Court banned the death penalty as punishment for child rape, Justice Kennedy saying, “the death penalty is not a proportional punishment for the rape of a child.” So, I guess that means Kennedy wants child rapists child raped, i.e., give them brain surgery altering their mental state to that of a child and then rape them. What a sick bastard.
Anyway, the Supreme Court better hand down the right decision on Heller today or they should all be punished with child rape.
It’s Only Racist When Republicans Say It
I was thinking about some descriptions for Obama for a post which will appear on Thursday, and one popped into my head that I thought was witty, but which wasn’t usable (you’ll see why when you read the post):
“Halfrican American”
Now, even though I’ve never heard anyone else use it, I thought I’d check before claiming credit.
Turns out Rush Limbaugh received numerous virtual groin-kicks for using it back in January of 2007 (check the comments for some Grade A bilious indignation).
But he didn’t come up with it first, either.
See for example this blog created in October of 2006, by “a twenty something mixbreed born again Black Jew”.
Or this cafe press shop catering to proud mulattos.
Or this MySpace page started in April of 2006 (CAUTION: Music starts playing automatically – devoluminify your speakers).
Theoretically (meaning I got tired of clicking Google links), the term dates back to a post by Coffeebot in an Engrish.com forum dated 9/27/05.
I made up a new word, yes I did. It’s supposed to describe a specific racial mix and I don’t mind adding that Noah is one. But I don’t want to sound all racist and if I ask [chicks] they’ll get all mushy because they can’t discuss real stuff, manly stuff like race and sex without getting all… verklempt.
The word is Halfrican-American. We all need to be proud of our heritage. Does this sound crass?
So what’s my point?
Probably something like “liberals are whiny, hypersensitive shrews who find racism with the unrestrained abandon of Guatemalans finding Mary on tortillas.”
Hippies Accidentally Create World’s Largest Mercedes Sign
Taking precious time out of their parents’ basements to support the cause
5814 participants gathered to form the familiar symbol of pacifist activism, but – through either oversight or stupidity – only formed three of the four radii required to create a traditional peace sign. Since the missing radius was the lower center line, the symbol they formed was actually the trademark hood ornament of the Mercedes-Benz automobile – a quality German luxury car since 1926 – rather than the anti-war symbol created by a British nuclear disarmament protestor in 1958.
“Dude, this totally sucks!” observed participant Summer Sunshine Rainbow Rabinowitz. “We were, like, trying to tell Bush McChimpyhitler that his war totally blows, but somehow he managed to get his Haliburton oil buddies in here to screw us over with some sort of totally covert inside job. Just like 9/11!”
Other participants, such as Moonglow Moonbeam Johnson suspected less conspiratorial causes. “‘Twas the weed, my man. The Acapulco Fire-Bud has a way of rendering one incapable of creating complex geometric figures. Heck, we’re lucky we didn’t end up with a swastika, or – even worse – the Windows logo.”
Ithaca High School sophomore Trevor Dougherty, the organizer of the attempt, claimed they were still successful. “Maybe it’s wasn’t a peace sign, but Mercedes isn’t all gas-guzzling & global warming. After all, the high priestess of high people, Janis Joplin, used it as an icon of war resistance in her song, ‘Oh Lord, Won’t You Run Over George Bush With a Mercedes Benz’, which I once saw on YouTube or maybe somebody’s MySpace page.”
“Anyway,” Dougherty concluded, “we all got super-mega-stoned, and that’s what REALLY matters.”
Heaven and Hell… and Something in Between?
A survey of Americans who have a religious affiliation showed 70% agreed that “many religions can lead to eternal life.” This is taken as a sign of religious tolerance, but I know many would react to it thinking that means many Christians don’t know their scripture. Personally, as a Christian, the afterlife is the part I least understand. Usually there are things so bad that if you do them, you get punished. And there are things so great to do that you get hugely rewarded for them. But those two things don’t usually overlap. For example, if you murder people, you get executed, but you don’t get a $100 million dollars for not murdering people. Also, if you’re really good at chemistry, you can get a Nobel Prize, but everyone who doesn’t get one isn’t taken out back and beaten. But with Heaven and Hell, it seems to be one or the other which never made much sense to me. Either not doing God’s will is so horrible you should get eternal torment for it but you shouldn’t expect anything special for doing what you’re supposed to do, or doing His will is such a glorious thing you get rewarded beyond belief but you shouldn’t be punished for failing to do such a hard thing.
Anyone have any good answers here? If someone doesn’t think too much about it, I would see why they would assume pretty much everyone goes to Heaven if Hell is the only other alternative as we can only think of people deserving eternal torment in the abstract and most of don’t have much of a problem of people being rewarded more than they deserve. Plus, it’s really hard to understand why a loving God would torture anyone for all eternity. I can see why Catholics came up with Purgatory, because it does seem like something is missing from the equation.
Know this wasn’t a funny post, but it was something that’s been bugging me I thought I’d put up for discussion.