They say a giraffe has that absurdly long neck so it can reach leaves in the trees, but why couldn’t it just shake the tree? Or wait until fall? There has to be a simpler way to get those leaves than being a ginormous freak.

Everywhere I look, I see headlines saying that Australian troops are leaving Iraq.
Apparently they mean “leaving Iraq full of Australians”, because at the bottom of every story, they casually mention that there will be 1000 or so members of the Australian military left in Iraq after they finish leaving.
I decided to get to the bottom of this mysterious conundrum by flying to Iraq to discuss the matter with a spokesman for the Australian military. The following conversation ensued:

HARVEY: I hear Australia is leaving Iraq
AUSTRALIAN: Yes, that’s right. Gone. Poof! Over the horizon. Eat our dust!

“Ceci n’est pas une combat troop.”

HARVEY: The Australian troops are leaving?
AUSTRALIAN: Every last one of them.
HARVEY: What about that guy over there?
AUSTRALIAN: What guy?
HARVEY: The guy in the Australian Army uniform.
AUSTRALIAN: Well, not him.
HARVEY: But he’s a troop.
AUSTRALIAN: No he’s not.
HARVEY: He’s wearing a uniform.
AUSTRALIAN: Lots of people do. They’re quite comfortable, you know.
HARVEY: He’s carrying a rifle.
AUSTRALIAN: Well, a small one, yes.
HARVEY: Bunch of grenades on his belt, helmet, body armor – he REALLY looks like a troop.
AUSTRALIAN: Not a COMBAT troop though, so he doesn’t count.
HARVEY: So all the Australian troops are leaving…
AUSTRALIAN: COMBAT troops!
HARVEY: Except for the ones wearing uniforms, helmets & body armor, carrying weapons, and running around getting shot at by terrorists?
AUSTRALIAN: Which is entirely different from COMBAT troops.
HARVEY: Firefights with terrorists isn’t combat?
AUSTRALIAN: Not at all.
HARVEY: Look! That troop just shot a terrorist!
AUSTRALIAN: No he didn’t.
HARVEY: He fired his rifle and a swarthy fellow wearing a bomb belt just dropped down dead.
AUSTRALIAN: He was cleaning his rifle and it accidentally went off. Nothing combative about that. Rotten luck is all.
HARVEY: He just shot another one!
AUSTRALIAN: His rifle got dirty after that accidental shot and he had to clean it again. Rotten, ROTTEN luck, that.
HARVEY: So he’s not a combat troop then?
AUSTRALIAN: Course not. They’re all leaving. Prime Minister Rudd keeps his promises. Australia out of Iraq!
HARVEY: Except for the 1000 or so troops that are staying.
AUSTRALIAN: Certainly not! All gone! Up, up, and away! All 500 of them.
HARVEY: There were 1500 to start.
AUSTRALIAN: Minus the two that died, which leaves 500. And they’re leaving. Which leaves zero.
HARVEY: So there’ll be no Australian combat troops in Iraq any more?
AUSTRALIAN: None.
HARVEY: Just armed and uniformed members of the Australian military who may have to fight for their lives at half a moment’s notice while serving their country in a war zone?
AUSTRALIAN: Exactly.
HARVEY: Wait… I remember you… didn’t you used to be the Iraqi Information Minister?
AUSTRALIAN: There are no American troops within 1000 miles of Baghdad!
HARVEY: Ah… well… thank you for your time.
AUSTRALIAN: My pleasure, and may your stomach roast in hell!

Hope that clears things up.

So I guess Obama is now the Democrat nominee or something. Apparently this was part of the speech he gave last night:

“We will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on Earth.”

Is that another “For the first time in my adult life, I’m proud of my country” moment? It really seems like he thinks more of himself that he does the country. Where did all this unearned pride come from? Is there something about him I don’t know? Like does he make this really good omelette that afterwards he’s like, “Wow. That omelette couldn’t be any better. It was absolutely perfect. I should run this country.”
Point is, the dude needs a reality check.
Well, now he’ll have to spend his nights wondering if the noise outside he hears is Hillary finally coming to get him. It isn’t. When Hillary comes to get you, you won’t hear a thing until your neck snaps.

There’s a rumor going around that there’s a video of Michelle Obama ranting about whitey. There’s a number of reasons to think that’s not a big deal, though. First off, there’s no real confirmation the video exists. Second, she could be ranting about nice things about whitey like, “Whitey sure is nice!” or “Whitey helped me file my taxes!” or “Whitey has a pleasant smell!” Finally, who doesn’t rant about whitey every now and then? There’s probably at least three YouTube video out there of me listing what I hate about whitey. There’s just something about whitey that’s makes people want to rant.

Today is my birthday. I am now in the last year of my twenties, for those keeping track. That also means I am one year too young to have run to replace Larry Craig in the Senate. At least that’s my excuse.
Anyway, I like to declare my birthday to be National Gun Safety Day. If you shoot yourself with your own gun today, its extra bad luck. So make sure to practice extra good gun safety today and teach other proper gun handling, as it’s my philosophy that almost any problem can be solved by proper gun usage.
Quick quiz: What’s the first rule of gun safety?

Continue reading ‘National Gun Safety Day’ »