Scott McClellan has a new book out called Bad Stuff ‘Bout Bush or something similar that is an unflattering tell all about the Bush administration. Being an important blogger, I already got a copy and here are some of the more damaging allegations in it:
BAD STUFF ‘BOUT BUSH
* President Bush mislead the country about Iraq.
* He would often give people unflattering nicknames, like how he called Scott McClellan “Tubby Tubberson Who Is Tubby and I Hate Him”.
* Was insensitive about the hurricane Katrina tragedy.
* Put dead fish in Scott McClellan’s car.
* Used Scott McClellan to lie about the outing of Valerie Plame.
* On numerous occasions put Scott McClellan in a trash can and rolled him down a hill.
* Had political opponents disappeared.
* Once used a permanent marker to put a mustache on Scott McClellan while he was napping just before a press conference.
* Plotted to blow up an orphanage on the behest of big oil.
* Kept tying Scott McClellan shoe laces together.
* Talked about going to the National Archive and destroying the Constitution so no one would no whether or not he was violating it.
* Always made fun of Scott McClellan’s tie.
* Razed a village in South America to make way for condos he never ended up building.
* Whenever he got bored, he’d order his Secret Service to “beat up Scott McClellan for being fat.”
* Wasted a month of his administration seeking the lost city of gold.
* Would often spray Scott McClellan’s path with a water bottle to make it look like he wet himself.
* Thought of selling America to buy another baseball franchise.
* Kept eating Scott McClellan’s lunch even though it was clearly marked.
This all certainly looks bad for the Bush Administration, and President Bush has dismissed the charges in the book as “stuff written by a fat guy that everyone hates.”
Archive of entries posted on May 2008
Other Stupid Things Obama Has Said
Obama has said a lot of stupid things lately. Here’s a list of some other stupid things he’s said that aren’t getting much press coverage:
* “Bush doesn’t care about China because it’s full of black people.”
* “We don’t have to worry about the cost of my federal programs because at my last visit to Long John Silver’s I got a map to pirate treasure.”
* “I’m running for mayor of the U.S.!”
* “Countries in the Middle East don’t like the Jews since they took for themselves the largest country.”
* “My favorite type of pie is devil’s food.”
* “My grandfather was a ninja turtle.”
* “My middle name will help me in foreign affairs because it will make other countries think I have a bushy mustache.”
* “Ow! Fire hot!”
* “I do.”
People also reportedly thought they heard Obama misidentify Minneapolis as a state, but he actually said nothing stupid at that time. He was just misheard since his head was stuck in a bucket.
A Better Idea Is to Stop Them from Thinking
I thought we had gone over this already. Isn’t on of Issac Asimov’s three laws of robotics “Don’t ever do what a monkey tells you to do.”? And now we’re going to have robots doing what monkeys think? Do we even make robots evil enough to process monkey thoughts?
I’ve long queried whether our future will be like in the movie Terminator or like in the movie The Planet of the Apes. It seems we are moving towards both at once. If that happens, I’m going to push things so they end up like Omega Man, and don’t think I won’t.
Ron Paul, President of Idaho?
In the Idaho Republican primary Tuesday, Ron Paul actually got 24% of the vote — something that would be quite a respectable showing were it a four way race and not already over. I guess it is kind of a slight against McCain, but I don’t know who would really bother to vote in a decided presidential race except those who want to protest the result. And crazy people.
Anyway, Ron Paul now has tens of delegates to match McCain’s thousands, and he plans to use them to win himself the presidency and usher on the rEVOLution. Here’s the plan:
Phase 1: Secure a meager amount of delegates.
Phase 2: Come to the Republican National Convention and demand to be heard.
Phase 3: Realize no one is hearing you.
Phase 4: Shout that you will not be ignored.
Phase 5: Be ignored.
Phase 6: Knock over a chair in defiance of the system.
Phase 7: Head back to room at Motel 6.
Phase 8: Drink lots of cheap booze.
Phase 9: ?
Phase 10: Become president and reduce the size of the federal government until it can be run out of a kiosk at the mall.
This plan seems a lot more dynamic when Ronulans tell people about it because the replace the ‘?’ from Phase 9 with “RON PAUL!”
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 29 – Hope
PREVIOUS
“Is someone in the toilet?” The toilet didn’t have regular plumbing, and just seemed to Doug to be a hole like an outhouse.
“No. I am in another cell. I found I can sometimes talk to the others through the toilet.”
The voice had a bit of an accent. “Others? Is that weirdo trying to destroy the souls of other people too?”
“Ronove is very evil. I think there are maybe a dozen of us he does experiments on.”
“Last Children like me?”
“Yes. It is hard to talk with each other, but I try to find ways. We must not give up hope. My name is Chimezie.”
“That’s a weird name.” One Doug didn’t think he’d be able to remember. “I’m Doug.”
“Why were you shouting earlier?”
“I’m just tired of the Devil bothering me.”
“That is good to hear. Too many are accepting of the Devil.”
Now the toilet had Doug’s full attention. “The Devil talks to other people?”
“He tries to infect all minds.”
“Then why did I get singled out and brought here? He just came to be in a dream, started talking to me about how there is this power out there that watches over me, and –”
“Wait. The Devil told you about God?” Chi-something sounded confused.
“Yeah. Like what the people used to believe in. The dead people.”
There was a brief pause. “I’m not sure we’re talking about the same Devil. He is very evil.”
“Well, this one seems like just more of a big jerk. I thought he was helpful at first, trying to say its actually possible to fight the Trans. Now I got captured and brought here just for listening to him. Why were you sent here?”
“Not for talking to the Devil. I was imprisoned for talking about Jesus.”
Doug had heard the name before, but mainly as an exclamation. “That’s some religious guy, right?”
“He is God’s son. He gave his life on our behalf.”
Though it was nice to have someone to talk to, but the feeling of nausea from the smell of the toilet wasn’t helping the feeling of general unease from whatever Ronove did to him. “No offense, but I don’t really believe in all that. If God is so powerful and whatnot, then He should do something about the Trans. Someone needs to kick their ass if they’re locking people up and doing weird experiments to them.”
“I pray every day for justice. I know my prayers will be answered. Nothing is impossible for God.”
Doug wished he could just shut off his doubts and believe. “The creepy guy says prayers don’t work anymore.”
“He doesn’t know what he talks about!” Chi-something answered quite sharply.
“Probably not… but I don’t know anything either. I’m just hope my friends come rescue me soon.”
“You have friends who would have the courage to come here?”
Doug thought about that for a bit. He knew they all got annoyed about him a lot, but he still could just not imagine them just leaving him. “Yeah. We’re all we have.”
“God must have really blessed you to give you such friends, then.”
As horrible as things were now, they reminded of him of before he and three other kids formed they’re own little group to belong to — back when he had no one to turn to. He didn’t know of prayer back then, but it still felt like a prayer had been answered. “Well, if they’re coming for me, I guess I shouldn’t give up my soul without a fight.”
“I know you will not, Doug! I will keep you in my prayers, and I will tell the other about you. You are not alone here.”
“Thanks… um… toilet-guy.”
“Chimezie.”
Doug tried to say that a couple of times in his head, but he lost grip of it pretty quickly. “I need to come up with a nickname for you.”
“So we’re all in agreement that if we end up with millions again and once again Doug is captured, screw him?”
Lulu sighed. “That’s not helpful, Bryce.” Bryce, Charlene, and Lulu were in small room in one of Dammon’s warehouses looking over the information Dammon had on Ronove’s research lab. He had given them a basic plan to get in that relied on no one paying very good attention to regular security practices, and the three only had the rest of the day to come up with any ideas that might increase their chance of survival.
“Don’t waste time,” Brock said threateningly. He was one of Dammon’s men who had more muscle than the three of them put together and pretty much said everything threateningly. “This is going down tomorrow no matter what, and don’t think we’re not well prepared for the likely possibility of you three failing.”
“We could use our time better if we’re left alone!” Charlene snapped at him. “You don’t look like much of a strategic mind, so I don’t see what you plan to contribute by hanging around us.”
Brock backhanded Charlene, knocking her into a table. “I guess that is about all I’m good for.” He left the room and closed to door.
Bryce walked over to help Charlene back up. “This is why we don’t insult people larger than us.”
“She’s just as tired of all this crap as the rest of us.” Lulu pounded her head against the keyboard. “Maybe we’re looking at this wrong. If we’re quite certain we’re going to die in the next day or so, what do you want to do?”
“Kill as many assholes as possible,” Bryce said. “Starting with everyone in the near vicinity.” He turned to Charlene. “Happen to keep any guns on you we can use as a start towards a shooting spree?”
Charlene rubbed the bruise on her cheek. “I lost perspective for a moment. Let’s not do anything stupid.”
“But anything stupid is what we’re best at,” Lulu whined. “I just came up with five new stupid idea in like the past minute. One of them requires a gorilla costume that’s at least semi-realistic looking.”
A man started screaming outside the room, but the scream was soon cut off sharply and replaced by much more liquidy noise. There were more screams, but none of them lasted very long.
“Well, that’s a promising.” Bryce looked around the room for something to use as a weapon, but decided he didn’t really care that much.
They all stood still for a second staring at the entrance to the room. Either they went out to see what it was or they stood there waiting for it to come to them. It was an easy choice.
Charlene threw open the door. Bryce then scrambled to close the door while his mind worked on repressing what he just saw.
“That was quite a lot of blood out there,” Lulu commented.
“Not as disturbing as the chunkier stuff.” Bryce moved a table in front of the door. “Things just keep getting better, don’t they?”
NEXT
Why They Lost
It’s nice to know it’s not just our nitwits hand wringing over where things went wrong in Iraq; apparently terrorists in al Qaeda have for a while been trying to figure out where they went wrong and lost things in Iraq. I’m guessing things started to go downhill when they pissed off America. Or you could trace it back further to when al Qaeda decided to adopt insane religious beliefs. If they just stuck to their original charter of being an improv comedy troupe, al Qaeda would be doing much better today.
Crackers for Obama
It’s quite obvious Obama has a cracker problem. Apparently, crackers just won’t vote for him for whatever cracker reasons they have. That’s something his campaign will have to work on, and I have some suggestions for Obama:
FRANK TIPS FOR OBAMA TO GET CRACKERS TO VOTE FOR HIM
* Don’t call them honkeys. Crackers find that insulting.
* Change your name from the foreign sounding “Obama” to more familiar sounding “Alabama”.
* Make sure there is plenty of mayo available at dinner fundraisers. Crackers love to slather everything in mayo.
* Learn to play the banjo.
* Use a pleasant tone of voice and don’t make sudden arm movements so as not to startle the poor, dumb crackers.
* Don’t make fun of their deeply held beliefs in front of rich people in San Francisco.
* Hand out free sunscreen at events so they can stay outside longer despite their pale cracker skin.
* If your preacher speaks at one of your events, ask him to insert some stuff about Jesus in his sermon so its not just all about how he hates crackers.
* Don’t tell them they smell funny.
* Practice watching a dog run around in circles for hours so you can pretend to like NASCAR.
* Don’t let it slip that you’re secretly a Muslim. That’ll scare the crackers!
* Tell them that though you’re quite angry at them for making AIDS, you do admire how clever they are for that accomplisment.
* Make sure any music you play at campaign events has a pleasant melody so as not to make the crackers uncomfortable. And don’t make fun of them if they start dancing.
* Try wearing a flag pin again. Crackers love America for some strange cracker reason.
Random Thought
Another One for the “Obama Is Kinda Stupid” File
From Obama’s Memorial Day speech in New Mexico:
“On this Memorial Day, as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes — and I see many of them in the audience here today — our sense of patriotism is particularly strong.”
So either he doesn’t know what a fallen hero is or he has the sixth sense. If you believe the latter, why in the world would the military dead be attending an Obama rally? That’s like a wookie living on Endor.
Top Ten Great Things About John McCain
Conservatives don’t seem so enthused with John McCain and kind of feel on the sidelines this election cycle. Still, things could be worse, so I thought I’d make a list of positive things about the Republican candidate:
TOP TEN GREAT THINGS ABOUT JOHN MCCAIN
10. Independents love him, so they must know something we don’t with how smart they think they are.
9. Since he has military combat experience, instead of getting the tiresome chickenhawk argument from liberals, we’ll get the newer, more interesting “being in the military made him crazy!” argument.
8. Reportedly, he’s very conservative on social issues… though he never likes to admit it in public so don’t bring it up.
7. He is very solid on winning in Iraq. In fact, the whole quitting on Vietnam thing pissed him off so much he’ll to this day strangle anyone who brings it up.
6. There.s even less evidence he’s secretly a Muslim than the next leading presidential candidate.
5. He is reportedly quite comfortable around crackers and honkeys.
4. He still openly identifies himself as a Republican.
3. His name is very similar to that of the hero from Die Hard.
2. There is no credible evidence he puts puppies in blenders.
And the number one great things about John McCain…
Barely Veiled
I realize I never commented on the whole Hillary mentioning the assassination of Robert Kennedy brouhaha, but we’re all in agreement that was basically her way of telling Obama to not to expect to outlive Ted, right?
Three Day Weekend!
So what did you all do for Memorial Day Weekend? In honor of our military, I punched some hippies. I was going to punch more, but then these aliens landed and I was like, “Why you messing with me for punching hippies? Are you on their side?” So I took out a shotgun and killed all the aliens. Then the town gave me a medal for killing the aliens since as far as anyone knew, they were very evil. Then I got ice cream.
Who Moved My Ham?
Mary Katharine Ham, blogger and O’Reilly’s internet snitch, is leaving Townhall.com to join the Obama campaign. That seems like an odd move for her, but she gives some good reasons.
Also, she’s changing the spelling of her middle name to the less controversial “Katherine”.
Random Thought
Reject and Renounce
I got some more hate mail… this time from someone famous:
Dear IMAO,
I would like to formally reject and renounce your endorsement. I know you haven’t yet endorsed me, but you’re spineless and I figure it’s coming. Well don’t bother. Your site is weird and you’re weird and we don’t want the media drawing any connection between you and me. And what’s with your “Random Thoughts”? I’m almost convinced you’re mentally retarded.
So, I don’t want you and I don’t need you. You still are free to participate in my “Just Shut Up and Vote for Me” program I have for conservatives, though.
Sincerely,
Senator John McCain
I’m guessing John Hawkins got a similar letter. So do you think I’ll get invited to the next blogger conference call at least?