When I’m working on my house, I like to pound the nails in with a large rock so I can pretend I’m a caveman working on his house.
Archive of entries posted on May 2008
Bin Laden: Muslims Must Lead Relief Effort to Burma
CAIRO, Egypt (AP) – In an audio tape posted on the internet, Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden said that Muslims across the world “must take action” to help the estimated 2.4 million Burmese affected by the tragic cyclone and subsequent flooding in Myanmar which left 125,000 people dead.
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“Although our holy Jihad against Jews and infidels (may their stomachs roast in hell) is important,” said Bin Laden, “even more important is the human tragedy in Burma. The Western nations natter and dither while innocents die because the Great Satan is indifferent to the fate of non-Christians. As Muslims, however, we do not have the luxury of indifference. Allah is a God of mercy and compassion. As his followers, we are compelled to be the instruments of that compassion.”
“Many Muslim nations,” continued Bin Laden, “are awash in oil wealth. In the name of Allah the all-giving and all-loving, we are obligated to use that wealth to the benefit of Allah’s neediest children, no matter where they are, and even though they do not share our beliefs. There is a time for the sword, but there is also a time for the hand of mercy and charity to lift up those in their hour of greatest desperation. The decadent West has failed, and it is up to the world’s Muslims to lift up the lamp of Islamic generosity to give hope to those who are now hopeless.”
Surprisingly, the terrorist leader and most wanted man in the world has vowed to risk his own life to personally bring aid to the decimated areas of Burma. “Although I am not a prophet with the greatness of Mohammed (peace be upon him), I am still a man,” said Al Qaeda’s #1, “and my fellow man is crying in sorrow. I, myself, will lead an aid mission into Burma as a visible missionary of succor to this devastated nation, though it may mean having to dodge sniper fire like other emissaries of peace have done before me.”
“I can only hope,” concluded Bin Laden, “that the rest of the world will follow the Muslim example, set aside their petty squabbles, and do the right thing to save innocent lives.”
Unstoppable
So is anything going to get Hillary Clinton to finally drop out of the primary? It’s like Obama could just fire a shotgun point blank into her and she’d just stand right back up and keep coming, hacking away at Obama’s campaign staff with a machete. She once caused Jason Voorhees to exclaim in frustration, “Why won’t she die?!” Hillary even recently vowed, “The only thing Obama will be president of is his own grave… upon which I shall dance! Muh ha ha ha!”
I have an idea for the Obama campaign: Have Hillary chase you through a series of tunnels until you can trap her and pour molten lead on her. Then pour water on her to cause her to rapidly cool and shatter. Or if while she’s tearing you apart at on a campaign boat, see if you can get an oxygen tank caught in her mouth and shoot it, exploding her. Or back on her home turf, have her chase you onto the Brooklyn Bridge to get her entangled in the suspension cables and then hit her with an F-18 strike. Or you could poison her with lots of Head & Shoulders shampoo. Or get her to burrow after you and then use a stick of dynamite to trick her into flying off a cliff. And you can always try fire. Lots of fire. Or holy water.
But be careful if it looks like you finally got her, though. She’ll grab you and try to make you fall of the building with her. Get that Rolex watch off and let her fall before she can get off one last shot.
Though, honestly, Obama, I think a noose hanging from the ceiling may be your only escape from her. Sorry, dude.
Real Hope
Proof that everyone in the Democrat Party can one day get along.
Hellbender Note
Been busy for me lately, so I’m having trouble finding time to sit down and write some more of Hellbender (plus regular blogging gets precedence). Also, these next parts are getting more complicated so its harder to just spit it all out. Still, I am really anxious to get back to it soon, and I promise to finish it this time.
You can use this comment section to speculate what happens next. I predict explosions!
Top Ten Ways the Democrat National Convention Could Be Even Lamer
Apparently the Democrat National Convention, not being lame enough just by being full of Democrats, is also going to ban fried food, bottled water, and anything that isn’t organic. And at the end of the event, they’ll calculate your carbon footprint so you can offset it with the appropriate amount of magic beans. With all the racialness in their primary, it’s still pretty obvious all the convention planning is being done by white people. It really sounds like they’re just going to spend the convention sipping wheat grass juice while talking about how terrorism can be defeated by recycling. Really, why don’t they just all come out of the closet and hold the thing at a gay bathhouse. Once again I ask how any men can be a part of these people? They must have booths there offering the spaying or neutering of husbands.
Still, there are ways the Democrat National Convention could be even worse. In fact, there are at least ten ways which I will proceed to list an ordered form.
TOP TEN WAYS THE DEMOCRAT NATIONAL CONVENTION COULD BE EVEN LAMER
10. Only the most carbon neutral entertainment allowed: Mimes.
9. Every hour they turn on FOX News for two minutes of hate.
8. Second day is all freestyle poetry.
7. Celebratory balloons being dropped on crowd replaced with much more biodegradable dyed hay.
6. Tolerance competitions!
5. To waste less electricity on microphones, all speakers will communicate through sign language.
4. Keynote speaker: Walter Mondale.
3. They announce that the Democrats’ symbol of the donkey is to be replaced with the much more appropriate Queen of the Faeries.
2. All signs must include an Esperanto translation.
And the number one way the Democrat National Convention could be even lamer…
Continue reading ‘Top Ten Ways the Democrat National Convention Could Be Even Lamer’ »
US Military Apologizes For Wasting Precious Bullets on Stupid Koran
BAGHDAD (AP) – An American soldier used a Koran, the Islamic holy book, for target practice in a predominantly Sunni area west of Baghdad, prompting an apology from the U.S. military, a spokesman said Sunday.
“I come before you here seeking your forgiveness,” Maj. Gen. Jeffery Hammond was quoted as saying. “In the most humble manner, I look in your eyes today and I say, ‘please forgive me and my soldiers’.”
“I know Americans are concerned about the cost of this war,” the General said, “and bullets aren’t cheap. We shouldn’t waste them on shooting books that are full of stupid ideology when they would be far more cost-effective being shot into towel-wrapped heads full of stupid ideology.”
“There’s a right and wrong way to use munitions,” continued Hammond. “and the right way is the way that gives America the best bang for its buck – no pun intended. If destroying enemy propaganda were the key to victory, then we’d be strapping bricks of C4 to crates of Fahrenheit 9/11 DVD’s. But the fact is that dead jihadis – and not shredded books – are the only way to win this war. Yes, desecrated Korans are a nice bonus, but really, people, that’s what toilets are for. Let’s focus on the mission.”
“I want to be clear on one point, though,” concluded the General. “I’m not saying American troops should never shoot at Korans, I’m just saying that if they ARE going to shoot at a Koran, they should make sure there’s a terrorist standing behind it.”
Random Thought
He’s Still In It to Win It!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
RON PAUL!
Ron Paul is basically just a punchline now, but I actually heard a Ron Paul ad on a country music station the other morning. If you’re wondering where the millions of dollars gullible losers threw at Ron Paul was going, well now you have your answer.
Seriously, though, if Ron Paul increases his standing and manages to get 10% of the vote in the Idaho Republican caucus next Tuesday, he’ll only need to get 10,000% of the remaining delegate to beat McCain.
Say it with me…
RON PAUL!
If Thomas Jefferson were a creepy looking crank, he’d be Ron Paul.
Threats to Our Great Nation
I think the first thing people think of when they hear the name IMAO is “vigilance.” While our nation is great, there are many threats facing it, and it has always been the job of IMAO to list those threats so we can later tackle them when we have nothing better to do.
THREATS TO OUR GREAT NATION
* Terrorism
* Illegal Immigration
* Crime
* Drugs
* The Capital Gains Tax
* Childhood Obesity
* Hippies
* Gay Marriage
* Potholes
* That Noise Kids These Days Call Music
* Dingos
* Even Gayer Marriage
* Whole Foods
* That Singing Guy from the FreeCreditReport.com Commercials
* Simians
* The Amish
* Hope When Combined With Change
* Lawn Darts
* The Irish
* Clamshell Packaging
* Diet Coke When Combined With Mentos
* The Moon
* Your Face
As I said before, this is only a list of threats to our great nation that I don’t necessarily have solutions for. If you run into one of these threats before I do come up with said solution, just try shooting it with a gun for now. That probably works more than half the time, anyway.
lolterizt! Part 48
I’m noticing two dropoffs – post rating and reader contributions.
Looking for some feedback – what do I need here? Better pictures? Better captions? Or is the whole concept just way too 2007?
Gimme some tough love.
Meanwhile, once again, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.
From ColoradoRight:
Two from Xaetognath:
Two from acrazymic:
PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.
STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.
HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.
Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
Random Thought
So Are We Going to Be Tried Before the Hague If We Don’t Vote for Obama?
Apparently the U.N. is investigating racism in America. Due to the lack of problems in the rest of the world, I guess the only thing left to do was investigate racism in the least racist country in the world. I mean, is there any country in the world more integrated than the U.S.? Is there any even close?
They’re sending Doudou Diene to do the investigation. That seems a bit like entrapment, since you could just be calling the guy by his actual name and it will sound like you’re using a racial slur. I already know how this is going to end, anyway: The conclusion will be that America is horribly racist and the blame will fall on Israel. A number of despots are going to pause from torturing their citizens to express outrage and demand a U.N. resolution calling for the destruction of Israel. The resolution will pass with only Israel, the U.S., and Micronesia voting against it. Nothing will happen. Total cost to us: One billion dollars.
It might seem like a big waste, but wouldn’t it be a worse world if murderous dictators devoted their time to things more productive than the U.N.?
Couple o’ Links I Think You’ll Like
Obama To Negotiate With Bush Over “Appeaser” Remark
WASHINGTON (AP) – After President Bush made a thinly-veiled attack on Obama’s willingness to negotiatiate with terrorists by referring to him as an “appeaser“, the Democratic frontrunner offered to sit down with the President to discuss the issue.
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“Although I don’t agree with the President’s remarks about my belief in fighting violence with empty words,” said Obama, “I also think there are two sides to every story. No one can ever be completely right or wrong. I’ve sent President Bush a letter saying that we should sit down, without pre-conditions, and discuss the matter to see if maybe an apology is in order. I currently remain open on my position of who should make the apology, as it would be counter-productive to automatically assume beforehand who the wronged party is.”
At a press conference, President Bush responded to Obama’s letter by spitting on it, wiping it across his buttocks, setting it on fire and hurling it at a reporter in disgust. “Obama is the offspring of pigs and monkeys! I will push him into the sea! I will wipe him off the map!”
Obama later conceded that Bush might have a point. “My grandmother was a typical white person, which is similar to being a pig or monkey. I think it would be undiplomatic of me to declare otherwise ahead of our meeting. It’s certainly an issue that would bear closer examination during the course of our discussions, especially given my resemblance to Curious George.”
Fading Democratic contender Hillary Clinton was unsupportive of Obama’s remarks, saying that she stood by her position that if she were given the nomination, she would “totally obliterate” the Republicans in November.