I confess.
I signed up for Al Gore’s WE campaign.
“Keep your friends close…” etc.
This week, their panicky save-the-planet e-mail is something that I could only dream of having the talent to make up. I offer it with [brief commentary]:
“As climate change causes the continued shrinkage of Arctic sea ice, polar bears are increasingly at risk. Leading American scientists say placing the polar bear on the federal Endangered Species list is key to its survival. [Why would we want to encourage the survival of an animal that deliberately hunts and kills human beings?]
“A federal court has given the Bush administration until May 15 to decide if it will list the polar bear as endangered. Click here to tell Secretary of Interior Dirk Kempthorne that the polar bear, and its fragile [see also: “RMS Titanic“] Arctic habitat, requires protection from the effects of global warming.”
“If the Secretary listens to the scientists, the polar bear will gain important protections. Additionally, federal agencies will need to consider how their future activities could affect the species — and that could be an important step [after they cave in to this, we’ll issue our NEXT demand] in leading the government to reduce its greenhouse gas emissions. Please sign our petition to protect polar bears today.”
Today they want to protect furry white terrorists wielding blunt instruments capable of plunging an ocean liner to the darkest depths of Davy Jones, tomorrow I’m guessing it’ll be furry brown terrorists wielding nukes.
These people are not on our side, and I hate them.
Which leads me to my next point: they’re having a membership drive contest until May 30th. If I can get 20 people to sign up, I get an organic cotton T-shirt with the lame-ass WE logo. And if I can get 50 people to sign up, I get “offered the opportunity to become a ‘WeLeader’ and receive a ‘WeLeader’ t-shirt.”
Now despite the fact the title “WeLeader” sounds like I’m winning a urinating contest of some sort, the thought has crossed my mind that such a position might avail me to information about this vile conglomeration of hippies and freedom-haters not generally accessible to the public. Could be interesting.
So I’m testing the waters to see if there are enough people interested in playing along for me to give this a shot. If you’re game for gaming the system, prove your sincerity by leaving a fake hippie nickname for my amusement (like “SunshineRainbow” or “polrbearhugr” or whatever) in the comments. If I get at least 50 volunteers, we’ll move on to stage 2, wherein I’ll e-mail you privately and ask you to tell me what e-mail address you’d like me to send the WE invite to (since you probably don’t want your GOOD e-mail address getting clogged with WEspam).
If I don’t get 50 volunteers, then I’ll know this was an ill-conceived scheme that deserves to die a quick, nasty death, and I’ll not suggest it again.
It’s up to you now.
Archive of entries posted on 1st May 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 24 – Indulgence
PREVIOUS
With a warm bubble bath, scented candles, some light music playing, and a new book, Lara was quite ready for a relaxed evening in her hotel suite, but the phone rang. She set her book aside and fumbled for her phone, accidentally dropping it into the tub. She wiped the suds off and didn’t recognize the caller it identified, but she still knew who it was, “Hello?”
“Hi, Lara, it’s Elza.”
Lara wasn’t quite used to one of the immortal Transcendents calling her on the phone like a regular person, but Elza never followed expectations. “Oh, hi. Just relaxing a bit. Asmod’s people have the bunny cube and the Doug.” She laughed. “With such power in their hands, they might be unstoppable.”
“Good. Things are moving along nicely.”
“What exactly was the point of all that?” Lara dared to ask.
“If I don’t tell you that, then whatever happens I can claim to be exactly as I planned.” She laughed a bit. “Anyway, there’s a lot of people running around involved with this; best everyone just knows only her own part.”
Lara settled back into the tub. “Well the whole train thing was certainly a surprise. I think you nearly broke that simpleton’s brain.”
“Things have barely started to get rough for him, I assure you.”
A lot seemed to be being laid on someone so useless, but Lara had trouble feeling sorry for someone who made so little of himself. “So what should I do with the millions?”
“I don’t care. That’s ultimately inconsequential. Spend it if you feel like it. Just make sure you’re ready to help our other operative if needed.”
“Will do. Any idea on the time frame for this next step?”
“That, right now, is up to external forces.”
Loch felt pain. It was about the only thing in this universe he cared about; all else he hated. He even refused to take any sort of physical, three-dimensional form and limit himself a puerile way. Still, he was required to have at least something to identify himself within this world, so he made his craft with which he could hover over the humans. He crafted it of darkness and created nearly formless creatures to populate it. His goal was to give the humans nothing solid they could hold on to in their mind’s eye. With nothing to grasp, when humans would think of Loch they would think of whatever they feared most.
Fear was a more subtle pleasure than pain, but that was about all he had lately. It had been a while since he was last given a human to play with, to test how many of its nerve endings he could activate before its mind collapsed on itself. He had gotten better at keeping the mind awake no matter what physical trauma he would induce, but it would always break in the end. Then the vegetable would be sent back to the rest of the humans, and then they would try to imagine what were the tortures that would cause such a thing. And then there would be the fear.
The fear had begun fade, though, as the humans realized just how much the rules of the other Transcendents restrained his grasp. So he took extraordinary measures — one’s that he himself detested — to let the humans know he can still reach them. Torn limbs and blood was less mysterious than he would have liked, but it served its purpose. He could see the fear of him rising again.
Now Serpine had given Loch a new mission. He never cared for her and her proclivity to take human form or her ambitions with this world, but she knew at least how to give Loch what he needed for enjoyment. The mission he was given was once again to get some device — though Loch could still not understand how anything physical in this world could have any importance to them — but this time she knew where it was. Loch would need to lead a physical army once again because of the limits on him, but Serpine guaranteed him that this conflict would involve humans under no protection from any Transcendent. They had severed their ties with their rulers, and thus they would be Loch’s to do with as he pleased.
Had Loch a mouth, he would smile.
NEXT
Know Thy Enemy: High Gas Prices
Many people are worried about high gas prices, so I sent my crack research staff to find out all they can about them. Here are their findings:
FUN FACTS ABOUT HIGH GAS PRICES
* High gas prices were invented by John D. Rockefeller who one day said to himself, “You know, I could charge a lot more for gas.” Some say that business acumen was a big part of his success.
* High gas prices can raise the price of everything from food to action movies in which lots of gas tanks explode.
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- Gas prices are largely affected by oil production. Oil productions is set by amoral tyrants who live in the desert and wear ornate mumus. It seems to be an odd system, but no one has yet to suggest a better one.
- It seems unfair the Middle East charges so much for oil when its not like they need it themselves for all their cars and technology they’re so famous for.
- High gas prices may cause more people to ride a bike to work which could lead to more people wearing bike shorts and thus an increase in false accusations of homosexuality.
- And accurate accusations.
- Canada produces a lot of oil, but uses up most of it in their extremely fuel inefficient Zambonis.
- Venezuela also produces oil, but Hugo Chavez wastes a lot of it by setting it on fire since the color of the flame is pretty and makes him smile and clap.
- One way to reduce gas prices is to do more drilling in America. None of the drilling will be near you, but there will be many people near you loudly complaining about it and it’s currently illegal to punch them.
- And it’s too expensive to hit them with your car.
- One gas price crisis occurred when some wise guy bought exactly one gallon of gas and, paid a buck thirteen for it when it cost a buck twelve and 9/10ths, and demanded exact change.
- Many people blame American oil companies for the high gas prices, but in fact they are just more victims in all this. Victims with obscene profits, but victims nonetheless.
- Also, if you complain about oil companies too much, they can have you killed. How are the police going to do anything about it if Exxon refuses to give them gas for their cars?
- One strategy to combat higher gas prices is to chide people who drive wasteful SUVs, but they will probably just run their Humvee over your Prius while falsely accusing you of homosexuality.
- Or accurately accusing you.
- High gas prices hurt poor people the most, which is one of the few benefits of it.
- If you think you see high gas prices, whatever you do, do not tell the authorities. If you do, eventually the federal government will find out and try and do something about it, screwing things up even more.
- One way gas stations are combating high gas prices is to make shorter signs that advertise the prices.
- I bet that one took you a second.
- One way to reduce gas prices are biofuels which could reduce gas by cents a gallon at only the cost of millions of people starving to death because of the raised price of crops.
- Alternative fuel cars could one day lead to us no longer needing gasoline, but a label on your car proudly proclaiming your car is safe to the environment could lead to false accusations of you being a homosexual.
- And, of course, accurate accusations.
- A big part of gas prices are the taxes on them which the government spends on telling you not to smoke.
- Especially while in a gas station paying gas taxes.
- Be careful of hidden gas prices. Some place may look like they are only charing a dollar five for a gallon of gas, but if you look closely at the price, you’ll see it says, “and 395 tenths of a cent.”
- A lot of people think we don’t need gas as much anymore since we don’t need to physically travel places now that we have the internet. Guess what the internet runs on, though? Gasoline!
- If surrounded by high gas prices, whatever you do, don’t panic. It can sense fear and go up even higher in response.
- In a fight between Aquaman and high gas prices, Aquaman would have to sell his fish friends on the local fish market so he can afford to gas to drive his Geo Metro to his new job at the cracker factory.
- And on the way there, he’d be falsely accused of being a homosexual.
- It is false!
- One way to lower gas prices would be to have a huge war for oil. Most people seem to be against this, though, despite no one being able to cite a single downside.
- Some people say angry Muslims may come over here to attack us if we steal their oil, but how are they going to do that with nothing to fuel their vehicles? It’s a foolproof plan, I tell you.
- The first high gas price was when gas rose from a penny a gallon to a penny and nine tenths. People back then didn’t understand fractions and falsely accused the gas station attendants of witchcraft.
- And accurately accused them.
- Some were also homosexuals, but no one thought to accuse them of that back then.
Hillary’s Shocking Ignorance
Hillary Clinton has never heard of Red Bull.
Hillary Clinton can’t figure out how to operate a gas station coffee machine.
She’s barely qualified to be an American citizen, much less President.
What else doesn’t Hillary know? Well, let’s check the list…
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- The internet is for porn
- Dark blonde isn’t a realistic hair color when you’re 60.
- It’s not normal for your hand to burst into flame if you touch a Bible.
- The first woman president and the first black president will be Republican, and probably Condi Rice.
- One’s choice of pastor is indeed a reflection on one’s character. More so one’s choice of spouse.
- When pronouncing *NSYNC, the * is silent.
- Very few Americans are named after famous people who weren’t famous when they were born. You aren’t one of them.
- Neo dodged bullets fired at close range, so technically he didn’t dodge sniper fire, either.
- EVERYONE has noticed that Chelsea looks more like Web Hubbell than Bill.
- It’s inappropriate to describe the Harry Potter books as “the story of a boy growing to manhood as he experiments with his wand.”
I suspect the list may continue in the comments.