A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 27 – Parting Shots

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Doug’s lunge at the Devil was unsuccessful, and he instead collided with the wall and fell to the ground.
“You can’t tackle me,” Stan said. “I’m just a hallucination.”
“No you’re not!” Doug shouted up at the blurry image of Stan. “I’ve had hallucinations before, and they don’t tell you they’re hallucinations!”
“Well, then I’m as much a hallucination as previously I was a dream. You are under quite a bit of drugs and duress, so hallucinations are likely. Thus, it didn’t seem intrusive for me to appear now instead of waiting for you to go asleep.”
Doug sat up and leaned against a wall. “I don’t know what you’re trying to hide from. They know I’ve been talking to you and that’s why I’m here.”
“See. Even with the small amount of overt meddling, I’ve affected things. That’s why I usually never try to be this direct.”
Doug misery was slowly being replaced by anger. “What do you want?”
“As I’ve said, I see the possible futures. I no longer see many paths left to you succeeding. You haven’t quite grasped things as I hoped you would, and time is running out.”
“You mean before Ronove destroys my soul?” Doug said dryly.
The Devil laughed. “I don’t think he’ll destroy it in the way he hopes, but you won’t be the better for it.”
“And I guess humanity is doomed because I failed… doing whatever the hell it was I was supposed to do.”
“You’re not taking this very seriously anymore, are you?”
Doug stood up, and he had to stop himself from trying to grab Stan again. “I think you’re full of crap. I think Ronove is full of crap. I don’t think any of you ‘powerful’ beings know what the hell you’re doing. I just wished you’d all leave me alone!”
“I’m afraid to tell you that wishing isn’t going to make it happen, kid.”
“Go away!” Doug screamed.
“Are you going to figure this out on your own?”
“I’m not on my own. My friends are still out there.”
“And rich too. If you think they’re going to risk all that for the noble cause of saving their team mascot, realize they are only human.”
“I said go away!” Doug plopped back down on the ground, sitting against a wall.
“Fine. I’ll find someone else. I thought you were the best chance, but I’ve been wrong before. I would wish you good luck, but it would be pretentious to pretend I care about your fate when it’s divorced from mine. Have fun with eternity; things only get worse from here on.”
“OUT!” Doug screamed again, only to realize he was yelling at nothing.
“Are you okay?” a new voice said, echoing and distant.
“Who’s there?” Doug called out.
“I heard you shouting.”
Doug followed the voice to the toilet in his little cell. “Hello?”
NEXT

Kill the Apostate!

If crazy Muslims consider Obama an apostate, wouldn’t that make you more likely to vote for him? First off, Americans love things that piss off crazy Muslims. Second, if crazy Muslims are going to try and kill Obama regardless of what he does, then won’t it be more likely he’ll be motivated to kill them back?
I’ve never seen any evidence foreign Muslims consider him an apostate, though. If anything, like with Hamas, they’ll consider his election a victory.
My advice: Obama should play up the apostate angle.
“Yes, I was technically a Muslim as a kid, but I’m not anymore. Try and do something about it, mother@#$%!”
I’d totally vote for him if he said that. Plus, then Samuel L. Jackson could play him in his biography.

Like McCain Needs Instructions on That

When I saw the title of this article, I thought the steps for McCain would be “Step one: Pick out a crowbar. Step Two: Hide in the shadows. Step Three:…”

Why Won’t Appalachia Vote for Barack Obama?

Despite everyone pretty much agreeing its now over for Hillary Clinton, recent polls show Hillary with a huge lead in West Virginia and Kentucky with over a twenty point lead in both (over thirty in West Virginia). Michelle Obama was hear to comment about this, “This is why I hate America. This is why I really @#$% hate America and hope everyone in it dies.”
The Obama campaign seems to be dismissing this by implying that everyone in those states are dumb, easily-led, racist hillbillies. I decided to call Democrats in West Virginia and Kentucky and find out their reason for not voting for Barack Obama.
REASONS GIVEN IN WEST VIRGINIA AND KENTUCKY FOR NOT VOTING FOR BARACK OBAMA
* He’s one of dem colored folk.
* His name’s just like dat of dat dere terrorist.
* He’s got a middle name just like dat guy in Iraq.
* I done heard he’s one of dem Muslims.
* He’s has no experience to justify any confidence in him, his personal associations and the handling of them in his campaign shows poor judgment, dishonesty, and naivete, and despite the hollow enthusiasm for him, he seems to be nothing more than a typical liberal politician — albeit one lacking the experience and ability to get anything done.
* His ears stick out too dern much.

Obama Embraces Lazy White Voters

WASHINGTON (AP) After Hillary Clinton claimed in a USA Today interview that Obama’s “support among working, hard-working Americans, white Americans, is weakening”, Senator Obama declared that he was proud be the candidate of choice for “lazy whites across the nation”.

Typical white Obama voter.

“Let’s face the facts,” said Obama, “nobody who actually works for a living is going to vote Democrat, anyway. We wrote those guys off decades ago. If it weren’t for indolent crackers, we’d NEVER carry an election. Fortunately, white Americans are just plain lazy. These shiftless honkies run the gamut from limosine liberal trust-funders to unemployed basement-dwelling bloggers, but they all have one thing in common – they hate hard work. That’s why the ne’er-do-well whitey vote is swinging my way.”
25-year-old professional part-time fried vegetable engineer Blake Lydell said he finds it easy to support Obama. “Work is for suckers. Obama talks a lot about hope & change, but he never actually DOES anything about it. Heck, he won’t even bother to vote ‘yes’ or ‘no’ as a Senator – which is, like, his WHOLE JOB – and he STILL gets paid every two weeks. Once he becomes President, he’ll make it so that even white guys like me will be able to slack off like that without getting fired. He’s got MY vote… DAMN! Burned the fries again!”
But even though Obama leads in work-ethicless whites, he must still find a way to overcome Clinton’s lead among those who never completed college, leaving the Illinois senator scrambling for the “ignorant & alabaster” voting bloc.
“Now, it IS true,” admitted Obama, “that Hillary leads with the stupid white demographic, but with my slick patter and suave, articulate charisma, I expect to be able to sucker these idiots into ‘going for the O’ come November. I mean, anyone dumb enough to fall for a Nigerian scam e-mail has already proven that they’ll fall for unrealistic promises made by a black man, so I’ve pretty well got this election in the bag.”

Top Ten Things We’ll Miss About Hillary Clinton

It’s pretty much over for Hillary, to the point that if Hillary can somehow grab the Democrat nomination now, I’ll vote for her on principle in the general for being the most conniving politician ever and I would love to see unleashed on our enemies. Her presidential bid has been good for introspection, though, as I used to hate her, saw the crazy Bush hate, and then see those same crazies against her. It makes me ask myself whether I was ever like them. Did I ever lose sight that Hillary, despite my disagreements with her, is still just a sincere but flawed human being?
I’m going to miss her, and I’m going to miss her for ten ordered reasons:
TOP TEN THINGS WE’LL MISS ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON
10. That special way our soul aches every time we see her.
9. The way her laugh rid the neighborhood of stray cats.
8. How her smile melts steel.
7. When she said she’d obliterate a country, you knew she meant it.
6. How, despite all the trouble he’s caused, she’s spared the life of her husband because she still loves him.
5. The way she referred to babies as “fresh souls” as if she were talking about produce.
4. How in her debates with Obama, you could see in her eyes that she was truly plotting to kill him.
3. When she went to YearlyKos, the Kos Kids would scatter and hide under furniture like cockroaches.
2. How she’d fight for universal healthcare despite the fact that you knew in her heart she wouldn’t care if we all died.
And the number one thing we’ll miss about Hillary Clinton…

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