Apparently the Democrat National Convention, not being lame enough just by being full of Democrats, is also going to ban fried food, bottled water, and anything that isn’t organic. And at the end of the event, they’ll calculate your carbon footprint so you can offset it with the appropriate amount of magic beans. With all the racialness in their primary, it’s still pretty obvious all the convention planning is being done by white people. It really sounds like they’re just going to spend the convention sipping wheat grass juice while talking about how terrorism can be defeated by recycling. Really, why don’t they just all come out of the closet and hold the thing at a gay bathhouse. Once again I ask how any men can be a part of these people? They must have booths there offering the spaying or neutering of husbands.
Still, there are ways the Democrat National Convention could be even worse. In fact, there are at least ten ways which I will proceed to list an ordered form.
TOP TEN WAYS THE DEMOCRAT NATIONAL CONVENTION COULD BE EVEN LAMER
10. Only the most carbon neutral entertainment allowed: Mimes.
9. Every hour they turn on FOX News for two minutes of hate.
8. Second day is all freestyle poetry.
7. Celebratory balloons being dropped on crowd replaced with much more biodegradable dyed hay.
6. Tolerance competitions!
5. To waste less electricity on microphones, all speakers will communicate through sign language.
4. Keynote speaker: Walter Mondale.
3. They announce that the Democrats’ symbol of the donkey is to be replaced with the much more appropriate Queen of the Faeries.
2. All signs must include an Esperanto translation.
And the number one way the Democrat National Convention could be even lamer…
If they hear a single person use “Democrat” as an adjective, the whole thing is called off.
LOL at number 6, but wouldn’t everyone really prefer cooperation to competition? And it should be a team thing, with no scoring, so no one gets hurt. Also:
* Pottery classes
* Team Convocation
* Extra Ted Kennedy Day added
* Periodic announcements from the Konsensus Koolaid Krew
Serious aside: when did everyone become afraid of selecting the nominee at the nominating convention?
But what won’t be lame is watching the speech Hillary will have to give and pretend she wanted it this way. Twisting in the wind, eyes bulging, feet kicking, and making those cute little gurgling noises. And her aging, humorless hag supporters, gritting their teeth as the inexperienced newbie MALE gets the nomination over the symbol of female power.
I can hardly wait.
Lamer? I just see it getting funnier and funnier.
You know the caterers are going to say they’re meeting the demands but a week or two after the convention we’re going to find out that they lied. All the tofu munchers will get violently ill from the “USDA Grade 7 meat” in their tofu burgers. And the edible plates? Just styrofoam with food dye (hopefully red dye number 2)injected.
I’m pretty surprised they haven’t taken your advice and put it on pay-per-view.
I bet it will be a lot like Laugh-In except none of the (unshaven) women will look like 19 year old Goldie Hawn.
Don’t forget lap dances by Barney Frank and mudwrestling between Janet Reno and Joycelyn Elders.
Official adult beverage will be Schrute Farm Beet Wine, served in designer Mason jars by the one and only Mose.
A Keith Olbermann/Jon Stewart standup routine paying tribute to the Smothers brothers.
Nancy Pelosi, a stripper pole, and the soundtrack to Flashdance.
Holy crap, the comments are like really, really bad pr0n. Where the Hell is my brain brush? I gotta get those images out of my brain.
According to the article, they’ve even got a trendy color palette picked out for the food, and won’t accept anything that doesn’t have five colors in it. One of the colors is blue/purple. And they only want locally grown organic food.
Yeah, that leaves them a very wide selection of foods.
They’re all going to starve to death.
All attendees required to wear Mother Earth Shoes
All Attendees allowed only 1 square of toilet paper
All Attendees shall not use any environment destroying personal hygiene products (soap, toothpaste, deodorant, hair spray etc.)
All showers at all Hotels in Denver shall be disconnected for the week to save water for Mother Earth
Free abortion rooms next to convention hall with full voting privileges and 50 inch viewing screens. Speeches filmed from abortion room from waist up only during “procedure”…
4 Hour Kennedy family retrospective EVERY night pre and post convention covered and repeated by all network channels
Ted Kennedy passes the “baton” to Barney Frank before Barak’s acceptance speech
3 hour keynote by Hillary Clinton
San Fran contingent given nightly coverage
Nightly wiccan song, dance and prayers to mother earth god
Wacky #6 – They’re all going to starve to death.
I don’t see a problem here.
I hear they’ll have a dunk tank. The convention-goers get in the tank one by one and Islamofascist imams throw the balls.
It was so popular last year, they’re going to have to set up two of them.
#3
I am going to need years of therapy to get the “Barney Frank lapdance” out of my head. Icky-poo.
I suggest a colloquim on running a successful campaign chaired by Fritz Mondale…er Michael Dukakis..um Al Gore, maybe John Kerry…….never mind.
I actually love the whole concept. I forget where I read an article about the convention saying that the Democrat party hasn’t raised half of what they need to pay for it, so wait until the sticker shock sets in for an all- organic, locally grown, compostable dish-and-flatware, no fried food extravaganza!
The thing is, I remember after the ’04 conventions, the Republicans picked up after themselves, and left the arena reasonably clean. The Democrats on the other hand left all their trash on the floor for someone else to clean up. Typical environmentalist hypocrites.
I’m John McCain and I’ve had enough of you socalled ‘Republicans’ belittling my friends the Democrats from across the aisle. I’ve worked with them for 20 years passing important legisislation that you conservative crankshafts just don’t seem to appreciate! And their convention is an important even in the democratic process in this country. So, show some respect. I’d like you to stop this nonsense right now and also bow your head for my good friend, Teddie, who’s in the hospital with a very, very sick mind, I mean diseased brain. In fact, bend over you silly conserva@#* 2#^@#& #$@%!$!!!
One of the colors is blue/purple. And they only want locally grown organic food……
They’re all going to starve to death.
Not all of them. I mean some of them are likely rail thin androgynous vegan meth addicts but most are gonna be closer to Al Gore than Kate Moss and I don’t think anyone would argue that the Goracle would survive at least a couple of months without food.
Also, if memory serves from my Grad school days spent at Colorado State, the only local produce that will fit the blue/purple would be cabbage and possibly peppers. The uhhh gas warfare from that many people eating this at every meal should get them before starvation sets in.
All concession stands will sell “Leading Women of the Democratic Party” calenders.
Last comment makes more sense if the “they are all gonna starve to death” were also in italics like it was supposed to be.
Hellbender?????
#16
Yeah – a public reading of Hellbender would make the convention much more lame.
I read somewhere that organic food is actually more dangerous then non-organic food, because most organic food is raised in the natural fertilizer known as poop. Organic food is several times more likely to be infected with food poisoning bacteria.
While I don’t hope anyone gets so sick they die, I am keeping my fingers crossed that they all get so sick that they have to drop out of their respective elections. That is the only way America is not going to get royally screwed this years.
#17 – Posted by: cptnmoroni on May 21, 2008 03:21 PM
Do you play tribal wars?
Not really, Spacemonkey. However, I do expect to be banned and/ro shot in the knees by “Ed.” sometime soon.
You forgot the featured speaker: some unknown, big-eared fool, with no experience doing anything of merit, rambling about nothing, while the entire staff of MSNBCNNABCBS hold hands and squeal like cheerleaders during a high school pep rally, later taking to the airwaves to proclaim the newest “future of the Democrat-ick party.”
Totally with you on Walter Mondale. With the Queen of the Faeries in attendance, Lilith can’t be far off.
Another few “lame” suggestions:
1) Poetry reading by a verklempt Robert Byrd
2) Teddy Cocktails sings “Jalisco” in the original Toltec
3) Al Gore not allowed to wipe sweat from his forehead; flash flood ensues, wiping out delegations from Iowa, Texas and Vermont; no one misses the delegation from Vermont
Son of Bob…this time it MUST be a muslim that gets up and delivers the keynote! I’m betting it may be our very own Idiot from Minnesota. Little Chrissy Matthews and Keith Olberdickhead will wet themselves proclaiming Diversity and Love for all things RAT!
Fried chicken and watermelon. Wait, that’s not blue/purple.
Eggplant.
Have an Alfred E. Numan look alike contest and nominate the winner.
Guess I can’t even spell Neuman correctly.
Where is Hellbender? Thats why you shouldn’t have gotten a job, Frank. work is bad and it takes away a job from a day laborer that really needs it.
This is all cover for the reptilian aliens living under the Denver Airport to come out and wear the skins of humans posing as democraps, led by Dennis Kucinich.
Ron Paul tried to warn us!!!
Cabbage, peppers, tofu, eggplant, whole grain bread, beans, wheat grass juice, grade 7 meat, Beet wine … If Denver burns it won’t be because of riots, it’ll be because someone tried to light a joint (no liberal would use evil tobacco) in the back of the auditorium and the whole place went up like the Hindenburg. Oh, the humanity!
Am I the only one who found eating something blue and/or purple suggestive, Or am I just the only one crude enough to mention it?
Good GRACIOUS I cannot be laughing and snorting this hard at this hour!!!!!!!
#7 USSJimmy – I’m going to google “mother earth shoes” to see if they really exist. If so, I wonder if they’re in the same family as birkenstocks (sp?) I once bought a pair of cheap sandals that apparently were similar (on accident!) My husband made me throw them away because they looked “too butch.” hahaha!
In reality the LSD did more than provide a good trip. He released his genetically altered seed into her genetically damaged girly bit.
His albino tadpoles, with their razor sharp fangs, were rapidly moving towards her damaged “grade A” pre-omelets. She lit a joint and passed it to her weeping tunesmith.
Just then a tiny voice yelled “eureka” as a tadpole settled in for breakfast.
8 ½ months later she lay in back of the same van, this time just outside of Monterey. She was bummed that the baby decided to come on the last day of the music festival.
He, a proud father to be, circled the van banging on his ceremonial drum to alert local Indian spirits to the arrival of his new child.
She gave birth on that same serape they conceived the child on. As the baby crowned she yelled “I AM MOTHER EARTH.” And with a grand push the child entered the world. Next to her was a metal cooler filled with Brew102 and ice. The cooler was there to keep the placenta fresh, as she would ingest that later, somehow, because it has a lot of nutrients. She never finished that chapter so she figured she’d keep it on ice until she found out how to prepare it.
These were your parents.
Eventually they wore EARTH SHOES.
Earth shoes are for Hippie Idiots.
Hidiots.
I too googled Mother Earth Shoes and the above story popped up…
Personally, I’m kinda hoping that between the gynosaur feminists, the radical black liberationists, La Raza, Michael Moorons, and so on, we could have a bloodbath similar to the Canada On Strike episode of South Park where all the YouTube favorites kill each other. Maybe with all the hippies who are still suffering post-traumatic stress disorder from pottytraining stuck in the middle, and Ted Kennedy standing on the platform as the last ironic survivor.
In response to the energy crisis all the electricity in the convention is turned off and they have to hold the whole thing in the dark. Since they are already in the dark ideologically it’s just sooooo fitting
Yeah, I was thinking along similar lines, seanmahair: candlelight vigils singing Kum Ba Yah while channeling the ‘universal subconscious mind’ to bring the human race together for peace. All with riots in the dark outside the convention hall since Denver’s power grid gets sabotaged by hippie anarchists (i.e., domestic terrorists).
Oil your weapons and stockpile your ammo.
I’m so glad I don’t live anywhere near Denver.
//3. They announce that the Democrats’ symbol of the donkey is to be replaced with the much more appropriate Queen of the Faeries.//
I so missed this one the first time, I sometimes skim instead of read. Here’s my question; Are they going to hire Rupert Everet (aka-Oberion King of the Faeries) as their spokes faerie? He’s not an American but the Dems have never let that stop them from giving anybody a job.
Breakout session after lunch-
Leg Waxing: Compulsory or Forbiden?
Women only, chaired by John Edwards
“terrorism can be defeated by recycling”?
Cool. Dead terrorists to the compost heap!
Speaking of “King of the Faeries,” “male neutering” and “gay bathhouse,” this’ll be the entertainment in Denver
More special Democrat seminars:
“How to Dress for Political Success” by Hillary Clinton. Bright colors, baggy pant suits, and large sizes to make any woman with gigantic thighs and butt look respectable in politics.”
“Male Grooming for Gay Candidates” by John Edwards. They’re not just expensive ‘haircuts’ anymore. Emphasis on personal grooming consultants in politics using small mirrors and hairspray to make your thinning hair look marvelous. Preparation is the key.
“Abstinence and Sex Education: Don’t Confuse the Two” by Barack Obama. The first is the best practice and tactic for evading embarrassing political votes in the Senate. For sex education, teaching abstinence (or right to life) is not allowed.
Student Poster Session:
“Swooning for Obama” by the Obama Girl. Singing, moaning, proper body language and special considerations for constantly wet genital areas during Obama ralies. Do’s and dont’s. Tips on how to get closer to Obama so he will notice you.
Jimmy, some additional courses to consider;
Male hair tonic – not just for men anymore!
How to utilize this sexist macho product to maximize female hair growth on your legs and arm pits to join the feminist movement and make a statement!
Party Hosting Tips “Tools of the Trade”
Hosted by Barney Frank and the entire San Fran clan!
I served in Vietnam
Speeches and Footage by John Kerry War Hero!
Democratic Values by Elliot Spitzer
And Finally;
“Butch – The New Look Of The Modern Woman”
Hosted by Rosie and 50% of all females wed to females in MA.
By the way Jimmy, funny stuff but are you intimating that “Herself” looked “respectable”? I’m thinkin maybe you have a small crush on the Hillary?
ussjc, yours are better than mine, but I think mine look like they could be “actual fare” at the convention written up in the seminar brochure.
Yeah, I’ve got a “large crush” on the senator who somehow thinks she looked respectable even though the American Clown Association has taken copious notes during her appearances and is redesigning their franchise wardrobe for America’s parade season.
That crush – I’d like to crush her ears with about two hours of my time. I’d have the woman in tears by the end.
Michelle Malkin links to this IMAO post and gets 55 comments in a couple hours. FrankJ gets 46 comments in a day-and-a-half. That just ain’t right.
“Celebratory balloons being dropped on crowd replaced with much more biodegradable dyed hay.”
Umm.. can they drop it in the form of complete hay bales.. muahahahah
You forgot the 6-hour multi-media tribute to Ted Kennedy.
An Erkel lookalike contest, so Obama gets to win something.
Affirmative Action for the Hookers: All hookers must represent less successful hooker classes of gender, attractiveness and Body Mass Index.
People all over the world (everybody)
Join hands (join)
Start a Love Train, Love Train!
My first time at this site, and I will never return. Three cups of coffee and all but one swallow ended up on the keyboard. By the way, it will not be necessary for the hotels to shut off the showers as none of the people in town during the convention will know how to operate them anyway.
No fried food???????????????????????
I wanna see Urvashi Vaid wrestle a fried chicken leg from one of the WV “Hillbillies for Hillary”.
Will Rev. Jeremiah Wright give the Invocation???? (Will there be an invocation?? If not, the planners shall be called racists.)
lol the troops are stupid
Can we get Don Mischer going on a major rant about “‘Go balloons, go balloons! Go balloons! I don’t see anything happening. Go balloons! Go balloons! Go balloons! Standby confetti. Keep coming, balloons. More balloons. Bring it- balloons, balloons, balloons! We want balloons, tons of them. Bring them down. Let them all come. No confetti. No confetti yet” like he did at the 2004 convention?
I just wanna see John Edwards.
Formal vote by delegates on new platform plank to remove Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Teddy Roosevelt from Mount Rushmore “to restore the mountain to its pristine state..and also because two of them were slave owners and the other two were Republicans.”
I like to talk about stool.
#56 – Posted by: Fecal McStool on May 22, 2008 05:59 PM
Dear #56,
You will no doubt get your wish at the Democrat Convention. Most of their speeches, party platform planks, discussions and press conferences consist mainly of fecal matter, much of it recycled from the writings of Lenin, Marx, Engels, Woodrow Wilson, FDR, Lord Keynes, Lyndon Johnson and many others.
So, pull up a stool and catch all the fecal matter you care to take in. Talking about it also helps as does washing it down with a good brew and popcorn.
Is alcohol on the approved food list? I don’t recall Denver having a big locally-grown wine market. Certainly not vodka or whiskey, unless they stretch the definition of local.
Colorado is not exactly known as a farming state. In fact nearly 30 percent of the potential farm land is not growing anything… They just get paid not to grow crops… since it would depress food prices. Your government at work.
http://www.denverpost.com/headlines/ci_9298493
I think the Dems should set up a day-care for the kids & Nancy Pelosi can do a reading of “Why Mommy is a Democrat”