It’s quite obvious Obama has a cracker problem. Apparently, crackers just won’t vote for him for whatever cracker reasons they have. That’s something his campaign will have to work on, and I have some suggestions for Obama:
FRANK TIPS FOR OBAMA TO GET CRACKERS TO VOTE FOR HIM
* Don’t call them honkeys. Crackers find that insulting.
* Change your name from the foreign sounding “Obama” to more familiar sounding “Alabama”.
* Make sure there is plenty of mayo available at dinner fundraisers. Crackers love to slather everything in mayo.
* Learn to play the banjo.
* Use a pleasant tone of voice and don’t make sudden arm movements so as not to startle the poor, dumb crackers.
* Don’t make fun of their deeply held beliefs in front of rich people in San Francisco.
* Hand out free sunscreen at events so they can stay outside longer despite their pale cracker skin.
* If your preacher speaks at one of your events, ask him to insert some stuff about Jesus in his sermon so its not just all about how he hates crackers.
* Don’t tell them they smell funny.
* Practice watching a dog run around in circles for hours so you can pretend to like NASCAR.
* Don’t let it slip that you’re secretly a Muslim. That’ll scare the crackers!
* Tell them that though you’re quite angry at them for making AIDS, you do admire how clever they are for that accomplisment.
* Make sure any music you play at campaign events has a pleasant melody so as not to make the crackers uncomfortable. And don’t make fun of them if they start dancing.
* Try wearing a flag pin again. Crackers love America for some strange cracker reason.
Don’t be such a bitch all the time. Crackers hate men who act like a bitch! Crackers love manly men and women who are glad of them!
Crackers love tennis and golf. Basketball ain’t a Cracker sport…so cool it. The last NBA All Star Game in Vegas looked like Mogadishu Lite. Crackers don’t understand this!
Cracker women NEVER, EVER make their Cracker men look like a Sissy Bitch. Talk to your wife about how she makes you look like a little sissy bitch. Cracker Women will appreciate the change!
Crackers like killing things – try hunting deer or pheasants or lawyers.
Drink domestic beer and then smash the can on your forehead. No one knows why but some crackers think this is entertaining.
All crackers are in-bred. Therefore, you should find a sister, cousin, or other female relative and hit on her at every opportunity.
Drive a pickup truck and put a gun rack and a confederate flag sticker in it.
The next time your wife starts bashing on America (it shouldn’t take long – just put a microphone in her hand), smack her around a little. Dumb Cracker men regularly beat their dumb Cracker Wives/Sisters/Cousins every chance they get.
For some reason, they all like buck teeth. And flannel shirts.
But not arugula.
Make constant references to “the north 40” in your speeches.
In order to be accepted by the Crackers, you must know the difference between a John Deere, New Holland, Ford, Case, and Massey Ferguson tractors at a glance.
Don’t refer to land outside of New England or the California coast as “fly-over country” or “Land of the rubes”.
Instead of calling them crackers, try the more sophisticated “Ritz”.
*go ahead and reveal the fact that you are Barney Fife’s(Andy Griffith Show) love child. Crackers loved Barney Fife.
*eat chili. Chili goes well with crackers…
Having recently escaped to Montana from the People’s Republic of Minnesota, I actually spit coffee out my nose at that one. Owww…
This is real advice (not funny, oh-oh):
* Admit you are wrong about unconditional negotiations with Iran and others. Instead, announce that your new foreign policy will be tough and demanding with preconditions. Crackers love TOUGH, especially in the name of Freedom. And it’s no bluff.
* Announce that the Bill of Rights are not to be infringed on your watch, including the 2nd Amendment.
* Buy a rifle and hold hit up at a rally and quote Charlton Heston, “From my cold dead hands.” You’ll win Crackers over with a landslide.
* Denounce Marxism, Socialism and Communism as un-American, anti-freedom, and just plain wrong.
* Announce that your administration will promote drilling for oil in Anwar and everywhere else. Crackers love oil and driving to WORK.
* Announce that you’ll close the border with Mexico and enforce the law.
* Point out when appropriate that certain issues are left up to the States. Try quoting the Constitution once and a while.
When will this site FINALLY endorse Ron Paul.
There is still time to do the right thing.
Lose the bumper stickers that say
OPEN SEASON ON WHITEY OR ELSE
or
LET’S KILL WHITEY AND TAKE HIS STUFF
Keep saying “yassir Mr. Benny”.
In retrospect he SHOULD have been in the military. Cracker men think it’s cool and cracker women love a guy in uniform…Not to mention, it just makes you better suited to be commander-in-chief.
I gotta say my man looks good in uniform going to protect B. Hussein Obama’s big-eared butt and negative, antiAmerican wife.
Will floating John Kerry, a notoriously haughty honkey, as Secretary of State help? He’s whiter than my white half!
I’m just trying to learn how to get you bitter crackers to cling to me!
Seriously, I’d rather have you worthless crackers clinging to me than Michelle. Maybe she enjoys using that strap-on, but I sure don’t! I’m used to being used by poorly-endowed liberal queens like John Edwards, not that King Kong-sized thing she uses.
I’m John McCain and I’m ORDERING you pricks to STOP this now! I am a decorated veteran who was a prisoner of my close personal friends in North Vietnam and I will no longer tolerate this sort of politics of personal destruction! Especially from that homo from Oregon, Jimmy who once elected and sworn in, I promise to “draft” into my new “club” of Reformed Conservatives for Change. This club will be sent out to perform civic minded activities (having sex with large hairy lesbian butch male replacement members or gay female wedding parties) as a start! From there we shall confront “head on” the problem of the angry female voter who thinks that Hillary got screeewwwed! Jimmy will be sent out to pacify this crowd! Muhahahahahahah!
Once Jimmy has the lesbian, gay, transgender, pervert, weird crowd pacified he will be assigned to my VP’s wife…Michelle “My Belle” Obama! It will be Jimmy’s task to either “satisfy this wench” direct orders or keep her on a very short leash!!! Muhahahahahah!!!
Oregon?!! Try the Soviet State of Washington there oh great McCain servant and Carter submariner namesake, you! You mad Minnesota mosquito bird dog!
Holy crap, ussjimmycarter. Your assignment is too large, or too gross, or just plain disgusting!! Actually, I’ve been gone all day and that’s why I haven’t responded.
But it made me laugh – greatly. Cheers.
I play the banjo. Can I make some money teaching Obama how to pick? Us honkey/crackers like making money. We need the money to buy primer to paint our pickup trucks.
I LOVE the NASCAR comment. ahhaahaa
PS – ‘Jim-Bob, that doggie’s gonna have to get some new pepperonies on them feet and a whole new batch a beans for the tank or he ain’t gonna make it to the finish!’
hahahaa
PPS – Let’s hope he gets on Ole Yeller Light so’s he can change em out an fill up!
hahahaaaaaaaaaaa
PPPS – It’s Flying 3 by a Nose !
Don’t make fun of our next president. Get the facts: http://friendfeed.com/rooms/obamamania
Sorry, Jimmy. I knew you lived in Liberal Land as I do but thought it was Oregon. I stand corrected. At least you have cool scenery!
The democrats are too sophisticated for their own good
their frontrunner is currently………. a chimpanzee
but don’t let that fool you, foo
they know he has a chance!
OBAMA > faith!! hope!! CHANCE!
It doesn’t so much matter what he says, Crackers judge people on what they actually do or have done. He has no experience (he’s a first term senator and he’s spent most of that on the campaign trail), no tangible successes, and no real work history. If he tried to get a real job he wouldn’t even get a interview.
Therefore most Crackers dismiss him as incompetent, inexperienced and out of his depth. (I was going to say uppity but that would be Michele)
Gosh what’s wrong with you? Obama has tons of experience. More than Bush or any other president has ever had. Maybe you should try reading more? Get the facts: http://friendfeed.com/rooms/obamamania
What’s wrong with ME? Seriously, put down the kool-aid and do just a little reasoning.
Osama-bamas work history so far is:
Career: U.S. Senator from Illinois sworn in January 4, 2005
Government Committees:
– Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee
– Foreign Relations Committee
– Veterans Affairs Committee
– 2005 and 2006: served on the Environment and Public Works Committee—–source biography.com
Now he’s been on the campaign trail since 2006 which hasn’t left him too much time to get in any of that pesky “experience” people are always talking about.
One of the things that’s wrong with not just the country but the world is that there are people in charge that have NEVER had a job outside of the government. So they don’t know how a real company, business or organization functions.
Besides with people like Maxine Waters, Rev. White, Louis Farakkan, and Bill Ayres behind him why would anyone think he’s a left wing, gun hating, abortion loving, homosexual favoring, terrorist appeasing socialist.
Lie down with dogs get up with fleas, my mama always taught me.
Rev. Wright, sorry my Freudian slip is showing
.
Whisle.
29
You make me giggle. You also brighten may day. Bless you.
my, my, my day. the Sisters are really spinning today.
The spouse got this in an e-mail, some of you have probably already seen it but hey I love to share.
//While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand
was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Barack Obama and his bid to be our President.
The old rancher said, ‘Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘post turtle’.’
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was.
The old rancher said, ‘When you’re driving down a country road and you come
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’.’
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain.
‘You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he
doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just want to help the
dumb fool get down.’//
I know we’ve all heard this, but it’s still funny. If Hillary gives Obama one of her testicles, they’ll both have two.
Post turtle – That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks. And it’s so true it hurts! Is there a graphic?