Archive of entries posted on 30th July 2008

Fish in a Barrel – A Letter from the RNC

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Frank received a letter from the RNC yesterday. Simply seeing a letter from those clueless losers makes me collapse in fits of giggles, because I know they’re going to ask for money, and the answer is always a resounding “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Anyway, y’all know where this is going, so I’ll just get started.
First, the date:

Wednesday Morning

Hey, that’s today’s date (well, it was this morning)! Seriously, what kind of date is “Wednesday Morning”? We get those roughly fifty-two times a year. I’m starting to think they recycle these letters. Dear Mr. J, blah blah blah, ah.

I don’t want to believe you’ve abandoned the Republican Party

I don’t want to believe the Republican Party’s abandoned me either, but I also didn’t want to believe that they killed off Captain America or that Buffy broke up with Spike. Lousy do-gooder.

but I have to ask… Have you given up?

Um, duh? Has any conservative not given up?

Our records show we have not yet received your Republican National Committee membership renewal for the critical 2008 presidential election year.

Presumptive much? Your records should also show you have not yet received our Republican National Committee membership renewal since about 2004, when the Republicans started acting like they didn’t win that election and started being like Democrats with the spending and the hating conservatives.

As the Treasurer of the RNC, I know our Party’s success depends directly on grassroots leaders like you.

What? The Treasurer wrote this letter? Why don’t you just get the RNC Historian to write to us so we know just how important we are?

So I am surprised and concerned especially because I know how generously you supported President Bush and the RNC in the past.

And after that generous support, imagine our surprise when President Bush and the RNC started screwing us every chance they got! (Except lately, with the oil thing, but he should have done that ages ago.)

You helped to advance our vision for America and elect Republicans at all levels of government.

Hey, we accept no credit/blame for anyone but the conservative one. Or two. There are two, right? Please tell me there are two.

Mr. J, I know other things come up, and perhaps you’ve just been delayed in renewing your membership. If that’s the case, I understand.

I hope you also understand that we hate you and would moon you from the back seat if we passed you on the highway.

But we’ve not heard from you this year — and I hope you haven’t deserted our Party.

Party with a capital P. They’re important.

Your generous financial assistance and active involvement are more important than ever as we work to elect a new Republican president and Congress.

But we asked for a conservative president and Congress, not Republican ones. Sorry to nitpick.

There is so much at stake. The Democrats are determined to put a liberal like Barack Obama in the White House,

The Republicans are determined to put a liberal like John McCain in the White House, so your argument would have gone better if you’d called Obama a socialist.

expand their narrow majorities in the U.S. House and Senate, and push our country to the Left [again with the capitals?] with their agenda of high taxes, big government and weakened national security.

Big government and weakened national security. That reminds me of this one time when the president passed every bill the big government Democrats put in front of him and this other time when John McCain decided that sovereign borders have nothing to do with national security. Good times.

Continue reading ‘Fish in a Barrel – A Letter from the RNC’ »

Congress Apologizes to Blacks for Affirmative Action

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WASHINGTON (AP) – Immediately after issuing an unprecedented apology to black Americans for the wrongs committed against them and their ancestors who suffered under slavery and Jim Crow segregation laws, the House of Representatives issue another apology to black Americans for the wrongs committed against them by Affirmative Action laws.

Justice Thomas says, “Be a qualifier, not a quota-filler.”

Rep. Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick, (D-Mich.), chairwoman of the Congressional Black Caucus, called it “long overdue”.
“No matter how hard I’ve worked for the positions I’ve earned,” said Cheeks, “people automatically assume that I’m not really qualified, that I’ve been promoted over more-qualified whites to fulfill an Affirmative Action quota. It’s insulting and degrading.”
Both resolutions, passed by voice vote, were the work of Tennessee Democrat Steve Cohen, the only white lawmaker to represent a majority black district. “Slavery & Jim Crow were bad enough,” said Cohen, “but at least you knew they were out there. They were solid barriers you could fight against. Affirmative Action is more ethereal and insidious. It’s the soft bigotry of low expectations. It’s saying ‘Hey Negro, since you’re too inferior to ever make anything of yourself on your own, Whitey will just have to hand it to you, because you could NEVER earn it.’ It’s reprehensible and demeaning. It cheapens the American Dream by saying ‘all men are created equal, except for worthless, inept colored folk'”.
The Affirmative Action apology states in part that African-Americans forced into the system “were brutalized, humiliated, dehumanized and subjected to the indignity of being stripped of their pride and reputations” and that black Americans today continue to suffer from the consequences of Affirmative Action and racial quotas.
As a positive example of shrugging off Affirmative Action’s stain, Cohen pointed to the Congressional Black Caucus. “I represent a majority-black district in Tennessee, but when I asked to join the CBC, they told me I ‘wasn’t black enough’. Some of my friends thought I should be angry about that, but, you know what? If I’m not qualified, then I’m not qualified. Frankly, I’d rather be honestly rejected than taken in as a quota-filling token honky.”

Frank Negative Ad Ideas

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I haven’t been very helpful to the McCain campaign, but I still am a registered Republican (until I finally register in Idaho where you don’t register to a party — I guess they just assume you’re a Republican), so I guess I should help some. Since he’s finally running some negative ads, I thought I might suggest some new, even negativier ads.
FRANK NEGATIVE AD IDEAS
Negative Ad 1:

VOICE OVER: Obama is a stupid, dangerous man. He has no experience in dealing with foreign affairs and will put out country at risk. Here he is with his head stuck in a bucket while Ahmadinejad steals his wallet.
(picture then comes on screen — it’s okay to use photoshop in a negative ad, right?)
VOICE OVER: If you vote for Obama, you’re guilty of murdering us all!

Negative Ad 2:

VOICE OVER: Obama is known to frequently hang out with racists, terrorists, Communists, pirates, hippies, pedophiles, and lawyers. Do you want those people in the White House? If Obama is elected president, they’ll be over all the time. You’ll probably be attacked by them if you go on the White House tour. Vote for John McCain. You don’t have to worry about his friends; they all died from old age.

Negative Ad 3:

VOICE OVER: New scientific studies show that voting for Obama makes you gay. Just look at Chris Matthews. If you vote for Obama, you may have to go to Massachusetts to get married which could be very expensive. Instead, vote for McCain and be a heterosexual and get married in any state you want.

Negative Ad 4:

VOICE OVER: Obama is secretly a Muslim who wants to use America’s nukes against itself. He denies this, but he’s already lied to the Canadians about his support for NAFTA so we can’t trust them. Vote for John McCain; he doesn’t even know how to use those newfangled nuclear missiles.

Negative Ad 5

VOICE OVER: Look at those freakish ears! Just look at them! Frankly, Obama has too much wind resistance to be president. Just the other day I saw Dumbo laughing at Obama for being a big-eared freak. The guy should be a circus sideshow, not the president. Vote for John McCain. He has normal ears.

Negative Ad 6:

VOICE OVER: Obama is a socialist who will take all your money. If you’re lucky, he’ll give you some of it back — but he probably won’t. I know you’re thinking Obama isn’t very big and you can just knock him down and take your money back, but Obama will have Secret Service agents who will be big and they will knock YOU down. Vote John McCain. If he knocks you down, it’s only because he’s angry — not because he wants to take your money.

So those are a few of my ideas. What do you think negative ads should attack Obama on?

Operation Needs More PC – Part 6

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Some Operation Needs More PC suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.
You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.

I want to first say what a tremendously fine job all of you at WE are doing to solve the global warming crisis. We surely need the whole world to take action now before it’s too late.
I take a minor issue with the wording in a recent post about the negative effects of climate change on Africa, wherein the Africans are referred to as “inhabitants” of that continent. This particular word choice has an unfortunate connotation of the colonialist/imperialist eras of the past and implies a similar disdain for the African peoples, whereas a word like “residents”,or “citizens” would put them on the same level of concern that we’ve evolved to since that dreadful time. I would hope that out of respect for the humanity of the African peoples as well as those whose ancestry is on that fine continent that you would choose your words a bit more carefully in the future.
Power to the people

Alcon,
Praise Gaia. I am so grateful that there is an organisation dedicated to ridding the werld of evil Rethuglicans. Why they dont’ care that polar bears dye, ocean levels rose 20 foot, or we are going to run out of oxygen in 10 years is beyond my ability to think.
My concern is the method you fine warriors, oops that sounds two militaristic, you fine acoloytes are persueing to enlighent the werld. As wonderfel as the internet is, it must me a huge energy sink. All the computers surfing the web and running servers must use a lot of energy. I think Google has a hole town of computers, but they are powered by hydroelectric power. Of course, Google does no evil. We can’t be sure everyone else is using non-carbon based energy. Don’t worry about me thogh. I’m peddaling a bycycle to power my 486 (lower power consumption).
Therefore, my suggestion is to move away from the web. You need to set up a group of zen practsioners to broadcast calming thoughts around the world. They should be able to reach people. That way this wonderfel project is not a net drain on the planet. After all, We are trying to save it.
Gaia’s blessings upon you,

Dear Sir or Madam:
My 12-year-old son has been hammering me for some time for a “We” electronic gaming system. Being in the charter airline business, you can imagine I don’t have a lot of time to do internet research, or to sit and watch TV where my son says he saw an ad for the “We”.
As many of my clients recently seem to environmental lobbyists and politicians, I was amused to see the entertaining climate-crisis theme of your website, where I went, thinking that it was a storefront for the gaming system. I can tell you that if there truly is a climate crisis, it isn’t being discussed on flights that I work. It seems that most of the conversations I overhear have mostly to do with fundraising and party-planning, so I am not certain whether to take the theme of your site as ‘tongue-in-cheek’. Anyway, I found your site amusing.
So, good luck with your parody, and if anybody has heard of that “We” game system, could you please put a link to the manufacturer on your site somewhere for others who might be confused?
Thanks, and Aim High!
Jett Darling
Captain
Clear Air Charter Airlines
Richmond

Like those? Say so.
Think you can do better? Then do so.
Submit your Operation Needs More PC suggestion for improving WE’s offensive web site to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad).