Archive of entries posted on 22nd July 2008

lolterizt! Part 56

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Pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

checkerboard guard.jpg
fixer upper.jpg
gps wrong.jpg
live action stratego.jpg
[reference links: LARP, Stratego]
seen elwood.jpg
[reference link]
terizt fist bump.jpg
vader secretary.jpg
yar.jpg

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.
STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.
HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.
Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Frank Solves the Oil Crisis

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So a new study suggests that it was a volcanic eruption that’s responsible for much of the oil we have today. That’s a funny coincidence because I was plotting to set off all the world’s volcanoes even before I knew about the oil benefits.
The only problem is that I don’t think I can get liberals behind this plan. They aren’t for drilling because they say it will take like two years before we see benefits, so I doubt they’ll get behind a plan that will take 93 million years before we see results. Liberals just aren’t that forward thinking. They’re all, “Me me me! Now now now! What are you doing with that hammer?”
So I have a better plan!
What is oil made from? Dinosaurs. And can’t we make dinosaurs? Michael Chrichton does a lot of scientific research for his novels, so if he thought resurrecting dinosaurs was possible in 1991, then we should totally be able to do it super easy in whatever year it is now. We’ll make the dinosaurs, put them on an island, charge people to come and see them to fund the operation, and when the dinosaurs are nice and big, we kill them and put them in the ground so they become oil.
I know. You’re like, “Won’t that still take millions of years until they become oil?” Not if we use some sort of time machine to speed up time on them and make them turn into oil in minutes. “But we don’t know how to make a time machine!” you say. Well, do we know how to write a letter?
We just write a letter and bury it in the ground. The letter will say, “People of the future. We need one of your time machines to help us make oil. Please give us one.” When someone far in the future finds the letter, he’ll know to come back and give us a time machine. We might as well ask for an efficient way of making dinosaurs while we’re at it, too. Actually, why can’t they just bring us some of the oil they made by resurrecting dinosaurs, killing them again, and time machining them into oil (which should be known as the “Frank Method”)?
Now that I think of it, the people of the future are some greedy bastards. They’re right now just sitting around with all their time machines, abundant oil, and hoverboards and they’re not sharing. What a bunch of punks. They owe us! We’re they’re ancestors! I bet a lot of their luxury are based off my ideas!
I’ll kill them. That’s what I’ll do.
Here’s the plan: We take one of those time capsules meant to show people of the future what life is like now, but we place a bomb in it. Then when they open it hoping to steal more of our stuff, they die! And we’ll include a letter with it saying that we will not stop killing the people of the future until they meet our demands. And I won’t just settle for a time machine and oil now. I need a laser that can kill people from space. I’m sure the people in the future are a bunch of sissies in shiny clothing, so they should give in to our demands right away.
I know your worry: Won’t we go to hell for murdering people? That’s the thing: They won’t be murdered until after we’re dead. God can’t judge you for things you haven’t done yet. And when people in the future die and you’re already in Heaven, He can’t rejudge you because the Constitution doesn’t allow double jeopardy (except on game shows).
So it’s a full proof plan. Well, I guess terrorizing the people of the future is a little bit convoluted, but you have to admit it’s the most realistic plan you’ve seen so far about solving the oil crisis.
Short of more drilling, that is.

Operation Needs More PC – Part 1

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Some Operation Needs More PC suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.
You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.

Wow! Finally a moveent that I can get on board with. I love the way that you have taken the FACTS of Global Warming and put them in one location. Keep up the GREAT work!
I do have a concern about our logo. It may be working against our cause. I’m afraid that it may be offensive to other nursing mothers, the same as it was to me. Producing milk for young is a service provided by all femail mammals and it should not be mocked in our logo.
I realize this was PROBABLY not on purpose. BUt I asked a friend and she saw the exact same thing I did. Her boyfriend saw it too. Becauise of this one issue they refused to join WE. (I was hoping they might start recycling)
The form of a nursing mother is not a beautirful thing and its shameful to portray her as having utters. Nursing mothers are not the “cows of people” WE are people.
I don’t know how big a deal it is to change a logo… maybe just show it less on the site?? Or just put points on the “W” (like this one)
Hope this is helpful and shows Even Nursing mothers they can be part of the solution.
Naturally yours,
pieceweaver

Dear WE,
I love this site. It’s so Great to have a site that’s my one stop shop for all my environmental solutions and questions. This place gives all of us who desire action on the most pressing issue of our day a forum to solve problems.
My extensive use of your site does give me a problem. Where are the Afrocan Americans? Where are the Asian Americans, Where are the Native Americans. Every single modle I see in your pictures are white, from story pictures to the models for your shirts. It saddens me to think how someone who has had to grow up in white bread America would come to your web site, look at it and think. “I can’t be apart of the solution for global warming. I don’t see any pictures of other Escamoes here.”
I’m sure there are other people working for WE that aren’t white. You can take a picture of them and throw it on the site. Or you guy have got to be good with computers. How about Photoshoping a picture of one of your models (Obvously don’t do one of Al. He’s way too famous to do that). If you need to, I have lots of African American, Mexican American, Native Americans here in my home town of Pitcher, Ok. I could take some pictures of them and you could put them on the site for diversity. Email me back if you want me too.
Thanks for hearing my thoughts. I want to help out any way I can.
“WE will get by, WE will Survive” Jerry Garcia- Touch of Gray
Windsong
Pitcher, Oklahoma

Dear WE:
I think its great that someone is finally thinking about our children and doing something to get Mother Gaia back to the right temperature.
I’m concerned, howver, that WE are not setting a right example for those who are trying to learn the proper way to live in an ecological world. The WE site uses a predominately white color scheme, which means that all of the WE site viewers are using screens that have active “white” pixles. This raises two concerns for me:
1. I think this is an implicitly racial undertone, and could potentially be offensive for persons of non-whiteness. A nice mocha color scheme in the site will by much more racially sensitive.
2. White pixles use much more power when being viewed, which contributes to the very global doom that WE’re trying to prevent! A dark color scheme would use less power and therefore reduce global temperatures.
Please check the background of whoever’s making your Web site, as they may be working for the Rethugs. I look forward to your prompt action,
Yours in Gaia (PBUH)
Percy Dovetonsils

Like those? Say so.
Think you can do better? Then do so.
Submit your Operation Needs More PC suggestion for improving WE’s insensitive web site to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad).