Archive of entries posted on 28th July 2008

Obama Skips Wounded Troops in Germany, “Not Photogenic Enough”.

Posted by on
When wounded troops look like this, Obama will be seen in public with them, too.

WASHINGTON (AP) – Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama came under fire from the McCain campaign for cancelling a planned trip to visit wounded American troops while in Germany. Obama’s team has responded to the criticism by pointing out that injured soldiers are “not photogenic enough” to be pictured next to the Illinois Senator.
“While Obama was photographed with troops in Afghanistan in Iraq and now has more foreign policy experience than John McCain,” said Obama campaign spokesman Tommy Vietor, “that was a different situation from Germany. During the Middle East portion of the trip, he was part of an official congressional fact-finding delegation. The Germany portion was funded by the Obama campaign, and as such, we’re only spending our precious money on pictures that make him look good. Frankly, wounded soldiers are ugly and depressing, rather than hopey and changing.”
“This campaign has worked hard to ensure that Obama is only photographed next to young, happy, healthy people,” said Obama image consultant Sandy Dumont. “No uglies, no Muslims, no fat chicks. Being seen with wounded troops would associate our candidate with pain, suffering, and President Bush. We might as well show pictures of him kissing a road-kill raccoon.”

Frank Solves the Economy

Posted by on

A big issue this election year is the economy. A lot of people have hopes that either McCain or Obama can help improve the economy, but that’s stupid. What in either of their two careers shows they know anything about economics? That’s like have high hopes your cat can file your taxes.
I can figure out how to fix the economy, though, because I’m very smart. So here’s my idea: We convert the dollar to a squirrel standard.
Now as you may remember, a long while ago — like in the eighties — the dollar was based on the gold standard. That was stupid, though, because gold is just some shiny metal. What are we? A bunch of three year olds? “That’s pretty! Let’s base our economy on it.”
Squirrels, on the other hand, are completely worthless. But they’re also hard to catch. Did I mention it has to be a live squirrel to factor into our economy? Otherwise, it’s just food. So, when another country wonders how much the U.S. dollar is worth, they’ll have to ask themselves, “How much is a squirrel worth? And how many squirrels are in the U.S.?” They won’t know! As far as they know, our dollar could be worth like a billion of whatever Monopoly money they pass around. If you go into a foreign store and set down an American dollar, they’ll probably just give you everything in the store to be on safe side — especially since you’re an American and thus they know you probably have a gun.
I know what you’re thinking: Won’t the Chinese come into our country and try to get all our squirrels so they’ll own our economy? Of course they will! But here’s the secret: I hate squirrels. This was all a plan from the beginning to get the Chinese to take all of our squirrels so they stop pestering me. Once the Chinese have all our squirrels, we’ll simply base our dollar on something else like small, barking dogs.
So how does this plot to get the Chinese to work as pest control help our economy? I haven’t figured that out yet, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t hurt it. That’s makes it better than any proposed plan so far.