LOS ANGELES (AP) – Former Democrat presidential candidate John Edwards was caught visiting his mistress and their child early Tuesday morning. Members of America’s gay community, who had long accepted Edwards as one of their own – reacted almost universally with stunned disappointment at the apparent proof of Edwards’s heterosexuality.

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“I cried for hours,” admitted San Francisco native Bruce Liteloafers. “Until now, I never once questioned the fact that Edwards was gay. The way he used to paw at and rub up against John Kerry, that two minute video where he did nothing but pleasure himself by caressing his own hair… hey, who could’ve had ANY doubts as to which way Johnny swung? I know he had a wife, but big deal. That marriage was faker than a set of double-D’s on the Sunset Strip. But this is like finding a video tape starring Paris Hilton and Liberace”.
However, Senator Larry Craig, who served with John Edwards in the Senate, refused to believe the news. “After decades of doing under-stall tap-dancing, I’m pretty sure I know a faggot when I see one, and John Edwards is the real deal. As for that ‘woman’ he was with, all I can say is she’s got an adam’s apple you could hang a coat on and a jaw so square she makes Arnold Schwarzenegger look like Rosie O’Donnell. I think Mr. Edwards ‘preference’ remains both clear and unchanged.”
Blogger Andrew Sullivan’s reaction, however, is more typical: a mix of dismay and resigned acceptance. “There are certain ‘icons’ in the gay community – Judy, Liza, Elton – that really inspire you to live up to your dreams of unbridled flamboyancy. For me, John Edwards was right up there with the ‘Big 3’. To find out that it was all just some sort of act… I haven’t been this crushed since Tom Cruise knocked up Katie what’s-her-name. Still, no matter what he’s done, Johnny will always be my little Breck Girl.”
Sympathizing with his people, openly gay Congressman Barney Frank (D – MA) introduced a measure in the House calling for “a national day of mourning” and requesting that all rainbow flags be flown at half staff.