Archive of entries posted on 2nd July 2008

Operation Helpful Idiot Results – Part 1

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Some Operation Helpful Idiot suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.
You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.

Dear WE,
This is such an awesome group. Every time I see a new organic product at my whole food store or a baby wearing an eco-friendly onesie, I know that WE are making a difference.
Here’s something I’ve been thinking about that I think WE can do. What if the government past a law that required people to start using solar power on there houses. All that solar engery being absorbed would decrease the solar engery that is causeing the global warmning!
WE CAN DO IT!
Amber Saves

Hewo,
My name is slim shady, erm Matt, and I think WEsistance can do more for the world around us. The first problem is that we all fart. That is destorying the world and it needs to be illegal. I also we need to stop cWEmating people because that is bad nEWs for us and I have asthma and can’t breath in the air. BTW news has WE spelled Backwads, isn’t that cool? Go Al Gore president 2000 !!! NOT…ouch soft spot.

Someone should start a campaign to make Polar Bears vital to the US economy. When Big O takes charge, He can find a way to turn PB urine and/or feces into a renewable fuel. Instead of sucking the lifeblood out of our mother, we would be SAVING two birds with one stone. Image an horizon void of oil derricks, with free range polar bear roaming the country-side. How can you get an idea like this rolling?
Vote Out Bu$Hitler McChimpy – Osama for PKresident!!!!
piece, out.
pieceweaver

1) WE should demand Congress institute a, say, $0.10/stamp tax on all first-class letters, and a per-pound tax on all packages. This will discourage people from mailing things, thus preserving forests (less paper) and requiring fewer post-office deliveries.
2) WE should demand Congress mandate that all box-office movies be available on pay-per-view within a month of their theater release. This will encourage people to stay home and watch movies instead of going to the theater. If this is not feasible, then make it optional, and tax companies that don’t do this and give breaks to companies that do.
3) Passenger airlines should be given landing priority over private jets. WE could have a sort of HOV-lane for airplanes! Corporate types who typically charter private planes because they’re in a hurry would then have an incentive to fly commercial or risk being stuck in the air for a while.
4) I want to have a day where people walk to work/the store/school/wherever as much as possible. If we get a good coordinated effort, we could get a lot of press on the local news. If we do this at the high point of summer, it would really show the simultaneous problems of global warming and of running out of fuel before alternatives are found.

Like those? Say so.
Think you can do better? Then do so.
Submit your Helpful Idiot suggestion for stopping evil climate change to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad).

Saving a Drowning Bear: A New Breed of Badassery

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Though killing a bear with your bare hands is pretty cool, I guess rescuing a drowning bear is even more badass somehow. I don’t know how you’d top that story if someone told it to you at a bar.
“I once saved a drowning bear. It tried to rip my head off the entire time, but I didn’t care.”
“Bah. I once wrestled a crazed rhinoceros to the ground, gave it an eye test, and got it prescription eye wear.”
“Like that’s hard. I taught a king cobra the true meaning of Christmas.”
“Sissies. I once helped a great white shark go through rehab. It was rough for a while, but he hasn’t touched drugs in three years.”
“That’s nothing. I taught a rabid wolverine to release its anger through knitting and Irish step dance.”
“I guess that’s impressive… for a little girl… who’s a flaming homo. I dragged a crocodile right out of the jungle, and it was kicking and biting at me the whole time. I then sat him down and made him reassess his life. With a little help from me, he went and got his GED and then job at the bank. He now owns a house in Minnesota. Just got a postcard from him the other day; he’s on a European cruise with his family. Now get me another beer, bitch!”

Barack Obama – SuperPatriot

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Barack Obama is going on the offensive against a scurrilous whisper-campaign engineered by the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy and their willing accomplices in the Murdoch/Limbaugh-controlled Conservative Media. There’s no need to question Obama’s patriotism. Proof of his devotion to America lies below:

Obama didn’t put his hand over his heart because this flag wasn’t big enough to symbolize HIS patriotism
  • Pinned a flag lapel pin to his grandmother and the Rev. Wright before throwing them under the bus.
  • Anything that big-knockered chicks make videos about is patriotic by definition.
  • Recites the Pledge of Allegiance when joining his former domestic terrorist friends at flag-burnings.
  • Doesn’t make unpatriotic hissing noises when talking through his dentures like McCain does.
  • Trying to give America the same health care system as England & Canada is like super-triple-international patriotism!
  • Will make English the official language of all unconditional negotiations with terrorists.
  • Open-minded and tolerant of all belief systems, even those that don’t recognize all 57 states.
  • He believes, like most patriotic Americans, that Hillary Clinton eats babies and craps pure evil.
  • “Hussein” might not sound patriotic, but at least it lacks the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ flavor of “Sidney“.
  • He doesn’t flip-flop on issues, he does the “Patriot Pirouette”.
  • Questioning his patriotism makes you a racist, so knock it off, racist!

And how do YOU know that Obama is a SuperPatriot?

Barack Obama: More Experienced than a House Cat

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It’s kinda crazy Obama has people out like Wes Clark attacking the usefulness of McCain’s military career in judging his fitness to be president. Clark says its not the right experience, but as compared to what military experience Obama has? How he once saw a blimp?
You’d think Obama surrogates would do everything they can to do avoid the topic of experience and never mention the concept of how time spent at some activities can be used to speculate one’s success at future activities of a similar nature. Instead, they should be trying to bring up stories about how a cat once dialed 911 to save its owner.
“There was nothing in that cat’s history to indicate it knew how to operate a phone or what an emergency number is, but still that cat did what was needed when it was time to act. Similarly, Obama should be able to be president. Sure, he has never dialed 911 before — he doesn’t like to get involved — but most would agree he’s smarter than a cat.”