Though killing a bear with your bare hands is pretty cool, I guess rescuing a drowning bear is even more badass somehow. I don’t know how you’d top that story if someone told it to you at a bar.
“I once saved a drowning bear. It tried to rip my head off the entire time, but I didn’t care.”
“Bah. I once wrestled a crazed rhinoceros to the ground, gave it an eye test, and got it prescription eye wear.”
“Like that’s hard. I taught a king cobra the true meaning of Christmas.”
“Sissies. I once helped a great white shark go through rehab. It was rough for a while, but he hasn’t touched drugs in three years.”
“That’s nothing. I taught a rabid wolverine to release its anger through knitting and Irish step dance.”
“I guess that’s impressive… for a little girl… who’s a flaming homo. I dragged a crocodile right out of the jungle, and it was kicking and biting at me the whole time. I then sat him down and made him reassess his life. With a little help from me, he went and got his GED and then job at the bank. He now owns a house in Minnesota. Just got a postcard from him the other day; he’s on a European cruise with his family. Now get me another beer, bitch!”
This is teh funny that keeps me coming back.
I am glad that the bear is ok.
The funniest part is the “not get me another beer, bitch” typo, or is Frank on the wagon?
It’s this guy’s world. We just live in it. Well, it’s obviously Sarah K’s, too, but Frank’s the only one who lives in that one.
Very, very funny.
Wimps.
I once made a house cat pay attention for a whole minute.
Balls.
cirby – I hate to burst your bubble but he wasn’t paying attention – he was waiting for you to get off you ass and feed him.
George: The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli! I got about fifty-feet out and then suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he gave out a big bellow. I said, “Easy big fella!” And then as I watched him struggling I realized something was obstructing his breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish (sic)!
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
That is nothing. I once saved a tiger, two zebras and a Rhino from a house fire. Of course the Tiger then ate the two Zebras, and the Rhino has been working with his friends across the aisle, to raise our taxes, but the last is all in the name of fairness.
Now if he would have put a hook through the bear’s head and used it as bait to catch a great white, all while punching the hippy Green Peace and PETA folks protesting I would be impressed.
Okay Frank, how would deal with this…?
ORANGE PARK — Wildlife experts are trying to snare a monkey that has been running around an Orange Park subdivision for the past several days.
“It can inflict a painful bite,” said Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWC) investigator Lt. David Lee.
Shark my ass…get out there and catch a monkey!
This is pretty good for a beginner… but I’m Fred Thompson.
My wife is tougher than all of that.
One time she started putting on a lot of weight. she had trouble walking for a while. Then one day her stomach started hurting so I rushed her to the hospital. They cut her stomach open and pulled out a Human Being.
Then we took the human home with us and put it through college. Those other guys were fairies.
I once battled ManBearPig. We fought for days without end covering 100s of miles. There was nothing but destruction left in our wake as the fight raged on. Entire cities were laid to smoldering ashes. On maybe the 5th day, it’s hard to know for sure, But around that time our battle went to the sea. To the bottom of the Ocean we went. That’s where I finally finished him off. I don’t have any proof that he existed because I left him at the bottom of the Ocean, But I do have a scar above my left eye where one of his claws got me.
Truth be known AlaskaNick, you got that scar when I threw my purse at ManBearPig and hit you instead. Saved tour life is my story.
The most interesting part of that story is that it was a biologist who did the bearsaving. Most biologist are well known pussies.
I was reminded of a joke about a bear, but successfully resisted the impulse to share it with you.
I’m exhausted from the struggle.
#12. Mrs. BigRichardSmall, Kudos!
What a bunch of homos! I recently risked my life when I got Barrak Obama to pay for something using his own money.
Ok, TRUE LEGEND in my family: My great grandmother was the grand daughter of pioneers who came across the Oregon trail in the mid 1800’s. She was a large, strapping woman..one who I hear had a foul mouth and could arm wrestle the menfolk (I imagine that was after a few shots of whiskey). The story goes that one day a bear came down out of the mountains lookin’ for food and she wrestled it to the ground.
No one knows what happened to the bear….she probably made many meals, soup and a rug, being a resourceful pioneer woman and all.
I think a chick wresting a bear is way cooler that any of those other stories!
Once upon a time I was walking on the beach and to my wondering eyes appeared Shrillery Clintonick bouncing on the waves on top of her testicle lockbox that was bulging so badly you could see the box was ready to explode with it’s precious male homosapien manhood (of all political persuasions) about to ream through the universe. To save the day I got in my trusty payphone booth which I conveniently made appear in my made up mirage and phoned Aquaman! – who appeared dramatically atop a tempestuous high crested salty spraying misty wave whereupon he single-handedly smashed to smithereens the contents of her floatation device and let her be entertainment for the beastie fishies in the sea and the male contents having been hitherto released from imprisonment magically re-attached to their owners and THAT was a happy ending.
Save a stupid beast… Nothing new to the left, but-
Barack Obama did the very same thing & it’s documented; where do you think Stewie (from Family Guy) acquired Rupert from…? The real deal is that Rupert was actually a 3-toed sloth, but I won’t nit-pick about useless apes here… aside from the DNC’s latest messiah…
Fighting for Rupert against any animated or real threat was the closest thing to real combat that Barry has ever encountered.
Thank God Obambi survivved! Otherwise, we’d end up with an ape who would not be able to define the word “is” under oath…
And that would just be incredibly stupid.
Right?
My wife once asked me, “Does this make me look fat?”
I said, “Yes”
Dregger:
I am glad I am not is your shoes it must be tough going through life as a double amputee.
See #2
Not fair correcting after the fact. Not I feel stupid.
I once wrestled a chocolate-chip cookie dough ice cream cone away from Rosie O’Donnell. She ate my left pinkie and bit a chunk out of my back, but I got the cone. Did I mention it was her time of the month, and she hadn’t eaten in almost an hour?
That’s right. Top that.
I understand how all this bear saving stuff took place – it was Obama’s foreign policy in action. You see the bear was hungry and wanted to catch a human to eat, but because he heard of obama’s policy of negotiating with his mortal enemy- man instead, so he decided to relax laying in the water appearing innocent and the next thing you know this dumb hunter comes swimming up to him without his gun and….
What an opportunity wasted. They could have had bear meat cured in brine au natuarl.