Archive of entries posted on 29th July 2008

Frank Makes the Democrats Useful

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Did you know the Democrats are in charge of Congress?
I keep forgetting that. I get focused on how much my party sucks I forget all about the Democrats, and it’s pretty easy to do because I can’t actually name anything they’ve done — for good or ill. All there has been since the Republicans lost power is more whining and that’s about it.
So what exactly do the Democrats do all day? Being a congressman is supposed to be a full time job, but I can’t imagine them actually filling their days considering voting on a bill once a week. Since we pay them salaries, why not have them do other, more useful jobs as well? They could be picking up trash all day, coordinate parking, and then give their little speeches and vote on their little bills in the late afternoon. There’s a ton of useful stuff we could have them do. Like, for instance, drugs being held up by the FDA because of lack of human trials could be tested on congressional Democrats.
Yeah, I know: What if one of those drugs gives them super-strength and they go on a rampage? That’s why part of my congressional jobs program is to install kill-switches in their brains. It will cause the Democrats intense pain if they ever try to harm a human. By the way, raising taxes counts as harming a human. So does having to hear them speak.
Oh, get off your high horse. “You’re taking away their free will!” you whine. Well, free will is overrated. I envision a Congress where are the Democrats are unthinking machines bred for one purpose: Tort reform. You may call me mad, but they also called Bruce Banner mad. And look at what he did! He grew big and green and smashed them all!
Anyway, I’m going to start working on tiny explosives. These sort of things always requires tiny explosives for one thing or another. What you all need to do is help get Barack Obama elected. McCain will never go for this plan because he’s not a team player, but Obama is easily manipulated. I’ll just make it seem like it was all his idea.

“What a smart idea to put mind controlling chips in the brains of Democrats. You are a good and smart president.”
“Me president!”
“Yes you are Obama. Yes you are.”

Hmm. I don’t know if my cordless drill will work for this. Well, it’s almost a full plan.

lolterizt! Part 57

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I’m kinda irked that Obama is trying to claim that tourism somehow equals foreign policy experience, so next week I’m running another lolbama! special edition. Submit your captioned Obama pictures to lolterizt-at-gmail.com to join in the fun.
Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

miniature golf.jpg
feels small.jpg
faking missles.jpg
muppet assassin.jpg
nicholas cage.jpg
mapplethorpes.jpg
[reference link]
need eye bleach.jpg
[seriously, it exists]
shut your eyes marion.jpg
[reference link]

From Felicity:
splodieparty.jpg
[reference link]

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.
STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.
HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.
Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Right Wing in New York

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John Hawkins spent the weekend in New York to appear on Japanese television to talk about nuclear weapons. Believe it or not, I almost got invited to that based on my peace plan. I think I would have been a huge hit in Japan.
Anyway, it sounds like what I expected. The panel Hawkins was arguing against were a bunch of people with their heads in the sky arguing for all nuclear weapons to disappear and for it to rain gum drops. If any of those people actually cared about no one getting nuked, they’d have the courage to come up with some sort of realistic plan.
I’m all for America pretending to disarm itself to trick others to follow along, though, but I don’t think any countries will dumb enough to fall for it.

Operation Needs More PC – Part 5

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Some Operation Needs More PC suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.
You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.

First a little visual from Doug

Hello, WE!
First, thank you for the fantastic job you’re doing for the environment! It’s about time somebody stood up for Our Blessed Mother Earth.
Though I am truly excited to be a part of this campaign, I do have to take issue with your t-shirt store. Though I do not believe the WE staff are intrinsically misogynistic, as a male feminist, I view the portrayal of the female in a “pure,” “soft” white shirt and the male in a “strong” black shirt as symptomatic of a testosterone-dominated society. To be sure, this sort of symbolism is so rampant and ingrained that it’s become almost unnoticeable — and it’s certainly the norm — but, along with protecting the environment, don’t “WE” also have the opportunity to begin to change the askew, male-dominated social outlook?
Hillary ’08
Proud PUMA Voter
Stephen “Huggybear” Stevens

Dear WE,
It fills me with great joy to see so many people working to help the environment and solve the crisis of global warming! I visit the site every day, and I’ve even shown it to some of my friends so they can understand how important it is for all of us to act before it is too late for our dear Mother Earth.
That being said, however, I was concerned about some of the language used on the site, in particular the phrase, “stand up for solutions to global warming” under the heading of Personal Choices. Now, I totally understand that this is a commonly used phrase, but it makes me think of all those unfortunate souls in our world who are unable to stand or walk because they are confined to a wheelchair. My own sister was involved in a tragic accident many years ago while she was riding her horse, Starshine, and she was paralyzed from the waiste down. Every time someone mentions “standing up” for a cause, I can’t help but feel hurt and offended by these words, and I’m sure that others out there feel the same. If you could please change the phrase to something more inclusive so that people who cannot stand do not feel like they are unable to assist in the effort to save Mother Earth, we would very much appreciate it.
Ride the wave of Peace through the ocean of Love
Indigo Skye

Like those? Say so.
Think you can do better? Then do so.
Submit your Operation Needs More PC suggestion for improving WE’s offensive web site to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad).