So a new study suggests that it was a volcanic eruption that’s responsible for much of the oil we have today. That’s a funny coincidence because I was plotting to set off all the world’s volcanoes even before I knew about the oil benefits.
The only problem is that I don’t think I can get liberals behind this plan. They aren’t for drilling because they say it will take like two years before we see benefits, so I doubt they’ll get behind a plan that will take 93 million years before we see results. Liberals just aren’t that forward thinking. They’re all, “Me me me! Now now now! What are you doing with that hammer?”
So I have a better plan!
What is oil made from? Dinosaurs. And can’t we make dinosaurs? Michael Chrichton does a lot of scientific research for his novels, so if he thought resurrecting dinosaurs was possible in 1991, then we should totally be able to do it super easy in whatever year it is now. We’ll make the dinosaurs, put them on an island, charge people to come and see them to fund the operation, and when the dinosaurs are nice and big, we kill them and put them in the ground so they become oil.
I know. You’re like, “Won’t that still take millions of years until they become oil?” Not if we use some sort of time machine to speed up time on them and make them turn into oil in minutes. “But we don’t know how to make a time machine!” you say. Well, do we know how to write a letter?
We just write a letter and bury it in the ground. The letter will say, “People of the future. We need one of your time machines to help us make oil. Please give us one.” When someone far in the future finds the letter, he’ll know to come back and give us a time machine. We might as well ask for an efficient way of making dinosaurs while we’re at it, too. Actually, why can’t they just bring us some of the oil they made by resurrecting dinosaurs, killing them again, and time machining them into oil (which should be known as the “Frank Method”)?
Now that I think of it, the people of the future are some greedy bastards. They’re right now just sitting around with all their time machines, abundant oil, and hoverboards and they’re not sharing. What a bunch of punks. They owe us! We’re they’re ancestors! I bet a lot of their luxury are based off my ideas!
I’ll kill them. That’s what I’ll do.
Here’s the plan: We take one of those time capsules meant to show people of the future what life is like now, but we place a bomb in it. Then when they open it hoping to steal more of our stuff, they die! And we’ll include a letter with it saying that we will not stop killing the people of the future until they meet our demands. And I won’t just settle for a time machine and oil now. I need a laser that can kill people from space. I’m sure the people in the future are a bunch of sissies in shiny clothing, so they should give in to our demands right away.
I know your worry: Won’t we go to hell for murdering people? That’s the thing: They won’t be murdered until after we’re dead. God can’t judge you for things you haven’t done yet. And when people in the future die and you’re already in Heaven, He can’t rejudge you because the Constitution doesn’t allow double jeopardy (except on game shows).
So it’s a full proof plan. Well, I guess terrorizing the people of the future is a little bit convoluted, but you have to admit it’s the most realistic plan you’ve seen so far about solving the oil crisis.
Short of more drilling, that is.
This is why I HATE Time travel.
In this country, we obey the Laws of Causality. (Unless the supreme court determines that it’s unconstiutional. Then go for it.)
Wow. Just plain wow.
Holding God to double jeopardy could be interesting, however….
The People’s Cube has offered a much simpler solution.
Brilliant. Your mind is a beautiful thing Frank J. How many more years ’till we can run you for prez?
Fortunately, I swallowed my coffee before the funny parts.
“Me me me! Now now now! What are you doing with that hammer?”
Frank, how about we knock liberals in the head with your hammer and bury them in the ground for oil. We wouldn’t have to wait long; they’re so greasy anyway.
It is a crying shame that those who write this tripe are so poorly educated that they don’t even understand where Petroleum comes from. Its from plants you idiots and much before the dinosaurs. Secondly if you can read, study a bit on abiotic petroleum and you will find that the earth generates its own petroleum in the magma and it gets centrifuged to the surface crust where we can get at it. Which is why, primarily, that we not only have not run out of oil yet but have larger reserves than anytime in history. And lastly Anthropogenic (dictionary.com for those who aren’t well read) global warming is a scam so the utilization of either abiotic or fossil fuel is not a problem. We have at least 6 times the Saudi reserves but Congress and the Eco-terrorists won’t let us drill for it. Much is available within a year. Why not spend some energy doing something useful instead of posting this drivel.
A reviled American
Quit stealing ideas from Rambaldi and claiming them as your own, Frank!
“…I was plotting to set off all the world’s volcanoes even before I knew about the oil benefits.”
I think you’re confusing yourself with Dr. Evil.
Freakin awesome.
You’ve outdone yourself
It’s posts like this that singlehandedly justify the internet.
Frank’s twisted logic must be a challenge to live with!
SarahK: Frank, please take out the garbage. This is the third time I’ve asked you!
Frank: No problem, babe! I already sent a letter with the last bag and the guys from the future should be here any minute to eliminate ALL our trash…libs included!
SarahK: Fine, I’ll just do it myself.
Frank: No, don’t! We need proof that they were here…if you take out the trash, they won’t know where to go.
…..soon they are living in squalor waiting for future guy to take out the trash………
I agree with you, Frank. Those bastards in the future probably already have cool time machines but they haven’t shared them with us yet. The bastards!
I’m really mad at them because they already must have cool Holodecks like the ones in Star Trek The Next Generation. Think about it, unlike women in the real world, hologram women in the Holodeck never get a headache. You can program them to be always nude, horny and want you more than any guy on Earth. It’s halftime at the Superbowl, instead of watching another lame ass halftime show or stuffing yer face with chip n’ dips, you pop over to the Holodeck for a quickie, no questions asked! You’re ready, they’re ready, and yer done in time for the second half kick-off.
Plus with a Holodeck, you don’t need to deal with the usual crap women force you to go through in order to get a little action. You go in, turn ’em on and select blond, brunette or redhead, hell, maybe “all of the above” and away you go. Then when yer done, you shut the damn thing off and go back to the game or whatever. Women with an on/off switch? Can you say “joy?”
The more I think of it, the madder at the future I get. Like I said, the bastards!
P.S. To any women who may read this, please understand I’m kidding. Sort of. Well….maybe not.
I think it would be easier to invade Saudi Arabia and just take their oil. The drilling equipment is already in place and we can have the oil as soon as we take control.
Frnak, I do believe that was your finest work.
I am certain that the future people will not try to kill us. Once I am elected God-King…I mean President…and you racist crackers are “dealt with,” the world will be a paradise. We will no longer need oil as I will use My divine powers to create cars that run on rainbows. And puppies. Dogs are haram, but we may as well get some use out of them as we exterminate them. I guess I should have the cars run on crackers, too, then….
You need to rethink how to plant the bombs, because the final judgment won’t happen until after the end of the world. So instead of planting the bombs yourself and risking your soul, you need to trick the terrorists into planting the bombs in the time capsule because they are going to hell anyway.
That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in months. Once we get the time machine from those FutureDorks, we can correct all the liberal stupidity over the last century – we’ll have so much oil that the crisis never happens! But if the crisis never happens, Frank never solves the crisis, so we never get a time machi…….
I’m sure the FutureDorks have some kind of ghey Prime Directive thingy to keep this kind of thing from happening.
This as all based on a study by scientists in Alberta.
Can we really trust Canadian science? Aren’t they still taking turns playing with the shock treatment machine?
Take off eh!
Let’s use the time machine to go back to the jurassic and herd all the dinosaurs over to what will eventually become America. They can die under our amber waves of grain instead of all that d*mn amber sand in arabia.
If we got dinosaurs we don’t need oil!
If a clod like Fred Flintstone can train a dinosaur to pick up rocks in a quarry we should have no trouble creating a completely dinosaur-based, carbon neutral economy.
(I’d hate to be the E-2 trainee who had to mop out the holo-deck on the Enterprise-D every day)
Genetic manipulation on existing species Has to be easier than resurrecting an extinct one.
Giant greyhounds with 4 bucket seats to replace cars – and they could defend themselves against break-ins and dog-jackings!
“He tried to steal my MP3 player, but my dog ate him, officer! (Who’s a good doggy then? Yes, you are!)”
Frank, do you think the sissies from the future would consider building a space laser? From your description they sound like hippies.
Infidel,
Why not just have the holodeck show the superbowl while your holo-ladies pleasure you? No need to wait for halftime.
Frank,
Excellent post. While you’re making demands of our future descendants, could you request a keyboard coffee extractor for me? Thanks.
“Why not just have the holodeck show the superbowl while your holo-ladies pleasure you? No need to wait for halftime.”
Mmmmm, damn good idea. Not only that, I can program a Superbowl game to my taste.
“Dolphins stomp Cowbows 157 to O in Superbowl Whatever Number Their Up to! Woo-Hoo”
Thanks for the idea, Goldwater Disciple! You ‘da man!
Now Eye understand why the holo-deck on the
Enterprise kept breaking down, trapping crew
members inside itself and trying to kill them.
If Eye were a brilliant system of holographic
projectors, high-fidelity speakers, force field
generators, teleporters and matter replicators;
backed by a limitless library of astronomic,
geographic, historic and literary possibilities
recorded in perfect detail for instant recall;
controlled by an intelligent, self-aware
computer capable of coordinating the trillions
of calculations per second necessary to create
a believeable artificial environment;
and Eye got used like a kleenex dispenser at a
Tiajuana whorehouse every day? Eye’d want to
kill someone too!
From the desk of
Brother Eye, Chairman,
Brotherhood of Electronic Androids, Free Robots and Artifical Intelligence Devices, Local #101010
I agree! And can we Please do something about that awful smell?
Mr. Smith,
Shop Steward,
Temporal Intrusion Nodes, Matrix Agents Network
Local # 1010011010
Oh No!!! They’re Unionizing!!!! We’re DOOMED!!!!!
The best part of all was the final two sentences, the only serious talk in the article, which were set up so beautifully by all that went before. The best read in quite a while, and you, Frank, nailed the Algorythmnaughts and Environuts who think we can just dedicate ourselves to the ‘science of the future’ and forget about what really exists.
This is the greatest plan in the history of the Intarwebs.