My post last week about asteroids seemed to get a big reaction. That’s very heartening, because I was beginning to think that only I cared about asteroids. They could kill us all tomorrow, but the MSM just doesn’t seem to care.
They probably are in league with the asteroids! I was just thinking that too!
But who cares what side they’re on. They’re useless. Just like forest fires, stopping asteroids is up to us. And if you think this is a laughing matter, why don’t you ask the dinosaurs about them?
You can’t, because they’re all dead!
That’s right. The asteroids killed all the dinosaurs while sparing almost everything else. That’s called genocide. I could almost understand asteroids if they just mindlessly killed everything, but they’re something more evil about the thought that goes into genocide. The asteroids were like, “The dinosaurs think they rule the planet, but let’s kill them all and show them who is powerful!” After their killing was done, they turned to the dragonflies, birds, and giant sloths and said, “If any of you gets uppity, we’ll be back!”
So who do you think the asteroids are going to genocide this time? The squirrels? No, they’re coming for humanity. They’re jealous of our shiny building and Nintendo Wiis and they are going to kill us for it. The question becomes who is in league with the asteroids? Who benefits most from the destruction of humanity? The Irish? The teamsters? Hippies?
I think we know the answer: Monkeys. They also hate humanity, and thus are a natural ally of the asteroids. They believe that an asteroid must kill all humans so they can have their planet of the apes as prophesied by the monkey god Hanuman. They probably have some special monkey signal to direct the asteroids towards us and tell them when our defenses our down. It’s probably a little monkey dance of some sort. You’ll be like, “Oh! Look at the cute monkey!” and then BAM! You’re dead. And then God won’t let you into Heaven for watching an unclean animal dance.
It’s the perfect plan, so we have to be even perfecter.
I asked the presidential candidates what their plans are for dealing with the asteroids. Here is how McCain responded:
“I’ve twice lived through a giant asteroids colliding with the earth, and it was no big deal. Frankly, I think all the asteroids and Mexicans that want to come to America should be allowed to come, and if any of you conservatives complain about it I’ll have you locked up for violating campaign finance law!”
And here is what Obama said:
“This is an issue I’ve thought deeply about, as reflected by my strongly voting ‘present’ on the Defense Against Asteroids bill. We have to look at both sides and realize that through hope and change, we can come to the appropriate conclusion. What we shouldn’t do is be cynical. That’s why I–“
At that point, I grabbed him by his ears, shook and him, and yelled, “Just answer the question!” but he started crying.
Obviously, the government is useless. We have to handle the asteroids ourselves. We need to form an asteroid watch, where we all take turns watching the skies for asteroids. And it’s not just the ones coming near us we have to worry about; there are also the ones that come near on a reconnaissance mission.
And then we have to strike back at them!
That’s right. They’ll just be sitting at home in the asteroid belt and then POW! They get hit by something and get a taste of their own medicine. So what’s heavy we can launch at them? I’m thinking canned food. Everyone go door to door and tell people you’re collecting can food to launch at asteroids. With enough time and effort, we can strike back at those asteroids. There won’t be any safe haven for them. For too long we’ve left them alone to plot against us, but now we’re going to force them out of our solar system.
Or they’ll just get really angry and hit us all at once. But, hey, better to go down fighting.
I don’t know why you are getting so worked up over this. I’ve had problems with asteroids occasionally it isn’t a big deal. Take it easy for a few days, avoid heavy listing, use some Preparation H to relieve the symptoms. Pretty soon they just go away all by themselves.
Frank, you are a complete nutcase, But I love it.
Don’t stop.
I had an Idea, this is off topic but you might like it. Iran has been making a lot of noise lately towards both Israel and us. Barack says we should talk to them. Lets send him over to talk with the condition that if he is not successful in his negotiations he has to stay there.Perhaps he could run for office there in a few years.
Once president Obama sits down and talks to the asteroids, they will be wowed by his presence and no longer want to hurt us. Or, if need be, we can bring in the really big guns, and awe them with a visit from John F Kerry. I’m sure that between a good talking to from these to elitists and maybe a new asteroid tax, the asteroid problem will go away.
Let’s tell Michael Moore there’s a Dunkin Donuts on one of those asteroids that uses orphans as slave labor. He’ll jump on the first Ares V rocket to that asteroid to film a documentary blaming Bush.
…then all we need to do is cut the brakes.
WHAM!
Of course, the media are covering for the asteroids – they hate humanity as much as the asteroids do!
Why do you think the Associated (with asteroids) Press was trying to charge bloggers for even thinking about their stories? To punish bloggers, who would expose the asteroids’ plans, as well as to raise money for setting up targets for the asteroids to aim at! I mean, everyone knows how the AP is in bed with HAMAS (Help Asteroids Murder All Sapiens)!!!
I think you misinterpreted the long lost asteroid scrolls, which explained this earth is sacred ground and must be returned to its rightful owner – Van Allen, the supreme being of the Van Allen Asteroid Belt.
They’ve come to take us back – we are all going to become involuntary intergalaxy immigrants. Our only hope is that there is no fence when we get there.
You are right that the government can’t help us on this one, but you failed to consider who can – the great messiah and the Chicago political machine.
If we wish to avoid becoming mere sppace rubble, we need too quickly vote in Obama, before it’s too late.
I have some canned goat’s milk you can use for your devious plan! (No kidding– a couple years ago when we were on WIC they gave us goat’s milk because my kids were allergic to milk and they were too lazy to do the paperwork to get them soy milk)
What does it say about me that when I first saw the picture in this post I thought, “Hey, I know that asteroid!”? Nothing good, I’m sure.
Asteroids are allies of the Ko Dan Armada, and as such we should build a large planatary defensive field, like a frontier, to shield us!
Has anyone contacted Chuck Norris?? Problem solved.
“So what’s heavy we can launch at them?”
The Moon, duh! Might as well solve two problems at once.
Asteroids
+
Chain Gang with sledgehammers
Chain Gang with sledgehammers standing on little tiny Pebbles…
…which can then be sold for use as concrete aggregate, or Yuppie Backyard Fish Pond liner, or skipped into the ocean
Capitalism rules!
Nuclear warheads are nice and heavy. If we can nuke the moon, we can also nuke the asteroids. And while we are at it, we might as well nuke Iran and Saudi Arabia, then move in and collect their oil.
I think you are right about Asteroids. We know from several recent Hollywood action files that they never hit anywhere useless like a the ocean, the desert, or Mecca. They always head straight for the Golden Gate bridge, the Empire State Building, the Washington Monument, Big Ben, or the Eiffel Tower. Maybe we can concentrate our defences in those places and see if Bruce Willis is available to help.
Obama. The intelligence of an Asteroid with just about as much Karma.
Who is in cahoots with the asteroids you ask? Answer: Evil and very ugly, toothless embittered Godless wacko liberals who obviously demand cessation of all happiness (cause they are so jealous and miserable). How to evaporate these monstrous threats to humanity that lurk and surround us at every corner? I checked with my trusty wise owl who advised that we shoot their butts with our slingshots into the asteroid belt, which will eventually succomb to the smelly, slimey, sick and evil ones and sink into a black hole!
#4 – Posted by: Bob in Feenicks
Close, but let’s take it one step further. We get both Mikey and Rosie O’Donuts and an old badminton net. We wire one side of the net to Mikey’s right arm and right ankle, then we do the same to Rosie’s left arm and ankle. Stuff them into a big ol’ honkin’ cannon and fire that puppy off!
They spin around like a nunchuck and ensnare the asteroid. Due to the overpowering smell of feet and a$$ it will become nauseous and dizzy and miss us completely, spiraling forever into the interstellar void in the company of Big and Biggerer.
Your harsh rhetoric is angering the asteroids and making them want to kill us. We should meet unconditionally with our asteroid friends and ask them what we have to do to make them like us. Anyone who disagrees with this sensible plan is a RACIST CRACKER.
Hoffnung Heil!
Heavy and relatively asteroid sized? Rosie O’Donnell! Swing her into a parabolic arc and smack that asteroid back to the inner asteroid belt where it belongs. She can hang out in the cosmos where nobody can hear her talking. Two birds, one stone.
I’d say use a rocket, but I don’t think we have enough gas to get her off the couch, let alone through the atmosphere.
I, for one, welcome our new asteroid overlords!
All of you can rest easy and sleep safe and sound tonight: We Canadians are all over this, and are watching out for any asteroids that might do harm to the Earth.
http://exurbanleague.com/2008/07/02/we-stand-on-guard-for-you.aspx
You’re welcome.
I think Obama is cutting his nuts off with the asteroid community
Classic Frank! Keep it up!
The Comets! The Asteroids natural enemies!
We can form a coalition with the Comets!
Asteroids hate Comets; “snooty, stuck-up, pretty-boy posers – always showing off! People Ooh and Aah when a Comet sails by but if an Asteroid gets close enough to notice it’s all, ‘Oh no! We’re doomed!’, We don’t get no respect! No respect at all!”.)
I think it’s tail envy.
Comets make Asteroids feel inadequate so they overcompensate by killing the dinosaurs!
To get the Comets to join us in our crusade against the Asteroids we’d have offer them something pretty good.
Shoulder mounted surface to air rocket launchers, Rosie O’Donnell with a CO2 fire extinguisher under each arm (they’d make her their queen), SPF 1,000,000 lotion for those close swings around the sun or maybe a screen test for a sequel to ‘Deep Impact’?
When asteroids give you lemons, make lemonaide. First we trap them on giant space borne magnetic hampster wheels. Then we convert their pent up aggression into free electricity. Of course we’ll have to put up with all of the greenpeace space ships with their little “free the roids” banners.
All these “solutions” are nothing but a waste of time and money. Just get Fred Thompson to glare at the sky.
Maybe if we nuke the moon the asteroids will think twice about messing with us. Yet another reason to do it.
“So what’s heavy we can launch at them?”
Christmas fruitcake.
Last week I thought I had an original thought. Today I found that someone else had it first AND expressed it better than I ever could. This is a bit long but it’s interesting.
Didn’t YObama say he’d meet with asteroids too?
Anyway, the best way to beat asteriods is paint really big pictures of really ugly people like Horsie, er, I mean Rosie O’Donell, Ugly Betty, Michael Moore and John F’n Kerry on the big deserts like the Sahara, Mongolia, hell, even paint one on the Moon too fer Christ sake! Then when an asteroid sees one of those ugly bastards, It’ll will exclaim “Holly S**T! I’m gonna crash into Rosie F’n O’Donell! I’m gonna get the hell outta here and slam into Uranus!”
Of course, there’s one big drawback to this otherwise brilliant plan, our poor astronauts on the Intl. Space Station are gonna be really space sick when they fly over Mongolia and see Michael Moore’s face big as he is staring back at ’em. Oh well, include some extra barf bags on the next supply ship run, a small price to pay for saving the world from asteroids, eh?