Instead of bailing out the auto-industry, how about investing that money in finally getting us a workable space-based laser? We can even sell that idea to Congress as a job creation program. You see, for each person we fry with the laser, that’s one more job back on the market.
Think of how encouraging it will be to the recently unemployed when they open the newspaper and see all the new jobs listed like, “terrorist explosive expert,” “dictator for Iran,” and “liberal congressman.”
I know your objection: “Aren’t you just going to use the space laser to shoot hippies, and hippies don’t even have jobs?”
True, but eliminating hippies will still bring down the unemployment statistics… even though hippies never planned on getting jobs.
Anyway, I think this is a very workable program… at least until I figure out how to spin a giant robot with gatling guns for arms as a job creation program.
Uhh. Smiteing hippies with lasers from space will decrease our spending on welfare, and lawsuits filed by formerly exisiting hippies for some global warming trend they read in “High Times”.
With less hippies we’ll have enough surplus to cover the national debt, and be swimming in money. Why not build a giant robot?
Won’t jobs be created that will man the lasers to target the hippies? Also someone is going to have to sponge the ooze that did not vaporize, after all , as filthy as hippies are, there is no way a laser could be powerful enough to vaporize it all.
until I figure out how to spin a giant robot with gatling guns for arms as a job creation program.
Well, to steal a line from that great philosopher and man of the people, C.M. Burns, “Ahhh, the greatest boon to labor relations since the cat-o-nine-tails.”
“terrorist explosive expert” is an open-until-filled position that seems to be reposted every other day, anyway…
I don’t really mind “lasering” hippies. Laser-roasted hippy certainly can’t smell any worse than live hippy… Of course, if the laser isn’t wide enough to comletely incinerate the hippy in question, you can also create a job to clean up the charred hippy remnants and the blackened spots on the side walk.
Sorry, PoB, I got distracted by something shiny and you beat me to the punch with the hippy cleanup…
I must respectfully point out one problem with this otherwise-fun-sounding plan:
Once the terrorist explosives experts, Iranian dictators, and liberal congressmen have all been lasered, will you REALLY want to train more of ’em?
Not that I have anything against giant lasers, particularly space-based ones (putting it in space ups the awesomeness factor by approximately… well, a lot).
As a aerospace engineer, I’m convinced that real “jobs from space” will not only come from space but also come in space. Currently, there are only two ways this can happen. Let me explain as this is complex and requires careful, advanced analysis that only a non-practicing, aerospace engineer can provide.
First, “from space:” extraterrestrials take pity on our poor planet, enslave us and provide us all with landscaping jobs.
Second, “in space:” China, Japan and India will be the first to actually colonize the Moon and Mars. They will need common laborers and that’s where we come in.
None of these job opportunities will come from NASA or the US military as they will go away under Obama.
#7 Jimmy,
Won’t China and India protect the moons borders so that we do not just go there to do the jobs they won’t do? I imagine that landscaping the moon is a very lucretive job for most of those that will be jobless once that one destrys NASA and the military. which is why it should be nuked now, before the rush.
No, no, Plenty. See, the spacesuits provided by China to US laborers will be real cheap and not last long. They can use our dead bodies to enhance the soil in their increasingly numerous lunar domes that we build for them. The soil needs humus. So, their borders will be wide open. Plus, they have no minimum wage.
Nuking the Moon first would just level the playing fields, or, cause more craters to form. Plus, we’d just be giving them free glass up there which they’ll also need.
So, it’d be better to be enslaved by aliens, Jimmy?
Yeah, I’d rather be gardening anyway, Marco. Plus I figure they’ll like our chocolate and ice cream so they’ll keep us alive. It beats become humus on the moon.
If you shoot all the hippies with a giant laser, who is going to serve me coffee?
#7 Jimmy,
There are no 7-11’s on the moon so I just don’t see India doing anything with the place. Japan can at least build a decent automobile so it’s possible they might have the wherewithal to make it. However, they know we have the ability to nuke things (having been on the receiving end of a Truman Tinkle a few years ago) and the moon is right up there at the top of the list so they’ll stay away.
China is a bit trickier. They can build stuff on the cheap and don’t mind murdering a few million people who get in the way. The reason I’m not worried about the Chinese is that not only is a rocket incredibly complex, it’s also really tall and those short little Chinese guys will never be able to reach the steering wheel and the gas pedal at the same time.
Basically, we own the moon until somebody is tough enough to take it from us and that’s a long time off. Plus, when we get S.M.I.T.E. working, we’ll own it even more.
However, they know we have the ability to nuke things (having been on the receiving end of a Truman Tinkle a few years ago) and the moon is right up there at the top of the list so they’ll stay away.
I don’t know about it. You see, The One’s going to be giving our nukes to the Japanese as “payment” for said Truman Tinkle.
I think alien enslavement may be our best bet. Maybe they’ll be nice!
But captain, the Chinese are getting taller!! 6′ will become the norm by the middle of this century. And sadly, they are turning-out more aerospace engineers and material scientists than we are. (I won’t mention the mechanical engineers because they don’t look around while working on stuff. And the EE’s – hell, they never go anywhere!)
Not only will China go to the moon, they’ll prove you don’t need an American
Germanrocket scientist to do it!You will need to train your Laser on Minneapolis/St Paul for several weeks. Start with the Dinky Town area and then move on to the local coffee shops and music clubs. Then look for “Earth Friendly” places where aging hippies frequent. Target rich environment! Skip the Loring Park area, that’s were the Homos live…
UGH! Burning Hippie smells particularly repugnant… can we give them a bath before we roast them?
You forgot the most important space job: cleaning up the fallout from that nuked moon spewage.
The first rule of the space laser is….we don’t talk about the space laser.
You would use the space laser for a stupid economic reason, when it is solely to be used for lancing volcanic eruptions before they happen, and to surprise the heck out of the Chinese when they invade Los Angeles? Shame, shame, shame….
Wait until we really need it, or the surprise will be lost….