Did you know it’s been two years since Obama’s stimulus has passed? It was supposed to keep unemployment from going over 8%. It did not do that. Still, the Obama administration has touted a number of accomplishments of the stimulus:
* Kept pedophiles unemployed and unable to afford vans.
* Has caused no harm whatsoever to unicorns.
* Reduced carbon emission by eliminating the need to drive to and from work each day.
* Allowed Obama to gain his inheritance by fulfilling condition of his uncle’s will to spend a trillion dollars while gaining no assets.
* Demotivated terrorists from destroying America since that now seems less impressive.
* Has kept pirate attacks to a minimum.
* According to quantum physicists, has created or saved 80 billion jobs in alternate universes.
* Successfully eliminated one possibility from things that might work to help the economy.
* Will help ensure our future children get taught about a thing called “debt”.
* Got the Republicans a majority in the House.
Actually, after running the numbers myself (easier to do, since I can no longer afford shoes), it turns out that only 79,999,999,992.83 jobs were created in alternate universes.
I guess they were counting Obama’s skull to get those extra 7.17 jobs.
I think he may have caused a heavy burtation at the grammys the other night also. Or was that Bush’s fault?
* It has successfully paid homage to Lincoln by reviving reading by candle light.
* It has successfully rid Wisconsin of democrats
* It has provided comedy relief for many Conservatives
* it has ensured that those pesky kids won’t be able to afford to travel to solve mysteries
* Kept the number of solar eclipes down at safe levels
* Made thousands of birds die in mid-flight
* Kept those highway workers who lean on shovels all day employed
* By encouraging farmers to sell their crops for alternative fuel purposes, kept more of that annoying substance called food out of the hands of those most likely to consume it.
* Gave birth to the annoying catch phrase, “Crazy Good!”
* Made Barbara Streisand relevant for 13.6 seconds
Not only that Joe, but he kept the three or four highway workers who’s job is to stand around and watch the the one leaning on his shovel fully employed too.
@zzyzx – Yeah, I forgot about those higher salaried “workers”.
* Moved Jimmy Carter up from last place in presidential standings polls.
Kept union bosses content enough that he had time to play so much golf that his nose never completely grafted itself permanently onto the buttocks of any of them. He really does have skin in that game though.
He let Moochelle stand on a pile of money so high she could see Sarah Palins house.
He has made me pine for the good ole’ days of the Jimmy Carter presidency! Now THAT is a like awesome accomplishment!
*Stimulus Stimulated Career of Hillary Swank , Latest ‘Rolling Stone’ Magazine Cover Girl
*Obama’s Distress Stimulated Creation Of New CBS Sit-Com: “S#^+ !!”, My President Said.”
The greatest accomplishment of Two Years of stimulus spending:
*There are only Two Years Left
of The Most Destructive Presidential Term In American History.
He’s moved DamnCat to the top of the IMAO comment ratings. *Ducks and covers*
* Shown us that no matter how much we bitch and moan about RINOs, the Demoscams are far and away the real masters at flushing pubic money down the toilet.
* Made the word “billions” look kinda small, don’t ‘ya think?
* Made piles of used kitty litter electable vs. any Democrat.
* IMAO has comment ratings? I don’t want to know mine.
*Beautified the nation by posting GIANT “This highway project is funded by you grandchildren, and their grandchildren, and THEIR grandchildren” sign all over the place.
*Made the nation pine for the days of the Bushitler.
*Put Nancy Pelousy in a position to do less actual damage, while still giving us the amusement of hearing her spout off non-sensically from time to time.
“* Kept pedophiles unemployed and unable to afford vans.”
You need to remove this one. TSA has been hiring them in droves
I take issue with the pirate one. A yacht carrying four Americans, including two christian missionaries was taken off the coast of Somalia today. The penalty for preaching Christianity to Muslims is death. Even if the missionaries had never taught in Muslim countries, just the fact that they may have done so at one time…
Sorry to bum everyone out when we are trying to be funny.
I take issue with the van comment. Everyone knows they don’t drive vans; especially not Honda vans. They drive El Caminos and Ice Cream Trucks.