Having been completely decimated in the Wars on both Women and Dogs that they themselves started, Democrats are now going hammer & tongs to change the narrative to the “War on Cookies,” somehow believing that THIS time they’ll come out on top.
Since everyone’s too freaked out by the fact that President Obama has proudly proclaimed that HE ATE A DOG to pay attention to what’s going on elsewhere, I’m offering this little FAQ to help explain the situation that the vapid make-up mannikins in the liberal media are desperately trying to label “Cookiegate.”
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You’d never catch Obama snubbing fresh bakery cookies
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What is Cookiegate?
At a campaign event in Pennsylvania, Mitt Romney was viewing a spread of various picnic foods and commented, “I’m not sure about these cookies. They don’t look like you made them… they came from the local 7-Eleven… bakery or wherever.” Turns out they were from a local bakery that was offended at being compared to a soulless, multinational corporation that uses Chinese orphan-labor to produce it’s baked goods.
Too complicated. Let’s start with the basics. What’s a cookie?
A small piece of tracking code that websites download to your computer which can be printed out and served at picnics.
Has Mitt Romney ever strapped a cookie to the roof of his car?
A liberal media distortion. He placed cookies into a picnic basket to protect them from the elements and then strapped the basket to the roof of his car.
Is it true that President Obama once ate a cookie?
Undetermined. Obama mentions it in his autobiography, “Treats From My Father,” but some sources say that cookies are actually quite scarce in Indonesia, and that eating them is generally frowned upon.
Ewwww! Why would anyone eat a cookie?
Some people believe that consuming an oven-prepared confection gives you the powers of that confection. This seemingly bizarre belief probably stems from the fact that habitual cookie-eaters eventually become round and doughy.
Interesting theory. Does Obama now seem to possess magical cookie-powers?
No. Although he sometimes acts in a cookie-like fashion, only actual cookies have the power to lay and collect taxes, duties, imposts and excises, and to pay the debts and provide for the common defense and general welfare of the United States.
Ok, so what’s a “gate” have to do with anything? Did Romney use a cookie to access an area enclosed by a fence?
No, the suffix “-gate” is typically applied to words as a shorthand way of indicating a political scandal. It comes from the Watergate Hotel, which operatives of President Nixon’s reelection campaign broke into to steal cookies from in June of 1972.
Did Nixon have a cookie?
A common misconception. Nixon had a dog named Checkers, who was shipped to Indonesia and eaten by a 10-year-old Barack Obama that same year.
Are there any cookie-eaters in the United States?
Although once quite popular in some isolated populations, the practice fell out of favor around the time that Sesame Street turned Cookie Monster into Fruity Monster.
What is The Matrix?
It’s very much like a cookie, except with better sunglasses. The other notable difference being that no one ever complains that the second and third cookies aren’t as good as the first.
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Hope that clears things up.
[Click for more “Obama Ate a Dog” humor]
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