WASHINGTON (AP) – With unemployment still at a dismal 8.2% and the polar bear population climbing, President Obama yesterday signed a bill placing a $100 bounty on the head of every polar bear.
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“I’ve always said that the true engine of job creation in this country is the private sector, not the government,” Obama said during a signing ceremony in the White House Rose Garden. “Our job is to help our companies grow and hire. This bill will pay private companies to engage in the wholesale slaughter of polar bears, which have become a plague upon this nation, devouring our crops and chasing American families from their homes.”
Despite fears from global warming advocates fearing their imminent extinction, polar bear populations have nearly doubled in the last year. If this trend were to continue – as it must, since all trends related to global warming are permanently linear when rising – experts predict that within 10 years, the coastal areas of the United States would be under 20 feet of polar bears.
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“Every day I’m fighting to make sure America is the best place on Earth to do business,” said President Obama. “And it’s kinda hard to do that when you’re up to your ass in polar bears.”
“Much like the government’s home energy credit has resulted in solar panels and windmills on the roof of every home in the United States, the polar bear credit will surely save our nation from this fur-clad menace that threatens our very existence. At the same time, it will provide a much needed boost to our country’s flagging ursine eradication industry by providing good, high-paying jobs to those most in need of having their animal blood-lust sated.”
“Also,” concluded the President, “I heard they taste like Wagyu.”
Republicans were dismissive of the bill’s prospects for success.
RNC Chair Reince Priebus observed, “First, they taste like chicken. Second, when is Obama going to stop getting distracted by nonsense and get serious about America’s REAL problems by signing the bill already passed by the Republican House declaring war on caterpillars?”
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UPDATE: Linked by SZone
Truer words were never spoken.
There’s a bunch of Polar Bears on my front porch right now screaming about spring break! Help! Now they’re doing a wet T-shirt contest!
“…the coastal areas of the United States would be under 20 feet of polar bears.”
Pffffft. That’s nothing.
We have a volcano in this state that’s currently buried under 300″ of Al Gore droppings.
“Todd! Gas up the snow machine – we’re gonna be rich!”
– Sarah Palin –
experts predict that within 10 years, the coastal areas of the United States would be under 20 feet of polar bears.
FrnakJ, I’m not sure whether you’ve stopped taking your meds or upped your meds to make your Harvey persona post so much, but keep on doing what you’re doing.
You’re making me laughing my butt off.
in response, Coca Cola has already modified its marketing strategy, giving the new policy its seal of approval.
Les – ya know, I saw lots of bloody polar bear pics while searching for the 2 I used, but they didn’t quite seem to fit.
Might find a use for ’em on Earth Day, though…
If you do taste a polar bear, save the liver for hippies and Democrats:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypervitaminosis_A
Cheers
The president had to take these important steps to protect the American people. A recent twenty gazillion dollar government study has proven conclusively that polar bears are the main predator of spotted owls. The same study found no evidence that caterpillars pray upon the endangered birds…..Jay Carney, ‘splainin stuff to the ignorant, Washington DC.
a hundred bucks a bear?!? i’m gonna be RICH!!!!
If they were really worried about too many polar bears, they would set up Planned Polarhood offices up there, and teach the poor things how to use birth control.
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