By the wildest coincidence, this seems to strongly parallel the activities of President Obama.
Just a coincidence, though.
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
ELYRIA, OHIO (AP) – At a campaign fundraising event, President Barack Obama accused his Republican rivals of trying to restrict America’s dietary choices instead of promoting the consumption of dog meat to help the middle class. Obama said those Republicans “don’t seem to remember how America was built.”
“Free the slaves! Fricassee the Shih Tzus!
“History records,” intoned Obama, “that when the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth rock, the friendly, peaceful natives were there to shower them with gifts of Schnauzer steaks and corned Collie. During the toughest hours at Valley Forge, our brave revolutionary soldiers ate the toughest meat – which, of course, is dog – to give them the strength to defeat the weak and crumpet-munching British.”
“Benjamin Franklin himself,” the President reminded his audience, “is famous for coining the aphorism ‘a poodle seared is a poodle burned,’ reminding a young nation that we must remain diligently watchful of our most precious gifts, like liberty and Lhasa Apsos.”
“When Abraham Lincoln built the intercontinental railroad during the middle of the Civil War, what do you think he fed the thousands of Chinese workers? That’s right – cat. But the millions of undocumented Mexicans who helped were definitely chomping Chihuahua.”
In a press release, Republican presidential front-runner Mitt Romney’s campaign derided the president’s statement as “historically ignorant.”
“The President is engaging in the worst sort of liberal revisionism. As our founding documents so eloquently disclaim, ‘no dogs were harmed in the making of these Free and Independent States.'”
* As you can see in the Village Voice post Harvey linked this morning, some liberals seem to be having trouble understanding what’s so funny about the president eating a dog and why the right keeps making jokes about it. I’ll try to explain: OBAMA ATE A DOG!
* Obama still hasn’t addressed the American people about his dog eating. There are many unanswered questions, such as is he sorry about it, and how many dogs has he eaten, and when did he last eat one, and will he promise to America’s children whether he’ll stop eating their puppies. People need to know, yet he stands there silent… perhaps digesting a dog.
And hey, Obama, it’s either talk about this or about what a lousy president you are.
* Got a fund raising email from Newt Gingrich touting how he’s the last conservative left in the presidential race. Come on, dude. I mean, there’s being positive, and there’s being a crazy psycho. You’re kind of teetering over the edge there.
* So how is everyone adjusting to the knowledge that Romney is our nominee? It could be worse. He’s well-spoken, he has economic knowledge, and he’s never eaten a dog. We could win this.
* Zimmerman is out of prison on bail. I notice how many on the left are super hopeful they can turn this Zimmerman thing into a push for more gun control — as they were the last couple high profile shootings to no effect. They don’t really think these things through. Like, how many people are honestly worried about getting shot by the neighborhood watch? I’d think most of those people are criminals, and they don’t usually turn out in large numbers at the polls despite how much that would help the Democrats. Yet, hopeful liberals are always thinking that anytime a tragedy happens people will just throw up their hands and say, “That’s it; let’s give up on this freedom idea. Liberals: You tell us what to do to keep us safe.” Not going to happen; not while there’s a few people left who call themselves Americans with pride.
* Here’s an interesting idea: Have people for Congress chosen at random. Like jury duty (BTW, I just got a summons for jury duty — it sucks!). I can see a lot of advantages to it, as this whole electing people give those idiots an inflated sense of pride that wouldn’t happen if they were just chosen at random. And it’s not like we could accidentally find anyone too dumb for the job — it’s just voting yes or no on stuff. It’s worth consideration; random means less of a chance we end up with sociopaths as our current election system seems specially designed to weed them out of society and put them in positions of power.
To all my liberal friends: Just imagine how much fun you’d have had if George Bush was a dog-eater. Then double it. #ObamaEatsDogs
* Jay Leno has noticed that Republicans are more willing to laugh at themselves than Democrats are. I’ve certainly noticed that; at times, one could almost perceive IMAO as making fun of conservatives as we find it funny to laugh at our stereotypes. I don’t see the same thing very much with the left — part of that is because they consider their politics super serial, and the other is they lack self-awareness.
That’s okay. They don’t have to make jokes about themselves; we’ll gladly do that for them.
Don’t know which is funnier – the fact that the snooties at Village Voice “slammed” Frank J with an Evelyn Waugh reference because his OBAMA ATE A DOG jokes hurt their feelings, or the fact that in the comments, Jim Treacher trolls the crap out of the Village Voice readership, and they just keep crying louder and coming back for more:
Just a small sample:
Daphne: ya know tho, in a way he is winning. Not the contest he imagines, of course, but the doubling down on a pathetic punchline must be worthy of some kind of prize.
itisdancing: Well, he has some competition in the second grade. Although he has a better attention span than the average second-grader. You have to give him that.
Jim Treacher: Did you hear the one about Obama eating a dog?
Jim Treacher: The prize is your anger.
itisdancing: Anger? Oh, you poor dear.
Jim Treacher: In your case, it’s just strong irritation. Daphne, though… my word.
Q: How many Village Voice readers does it take to defend Obama’s dog-eating?
The interesting thing about this otherwise-typical liberal screed is that he wants to cut a deal with the degenerate deniers of the TRUTH! of impending climate apocalypse:
We know who the active denialists are – not the people who buy the lies, mind you, but the people who create the lies. Let’s start keeping track of them now, and when the famines come, let’s make them pay. Let’s let their houses burn until the innocent are rescued. Let’s swap their safe land for submerged islands. Let’s force them to bear the cost of rising food prices.
Man, I’d take that deal any day, since the threat of flying pigs ruining the paintjobs on our SUV’s with airborne fecal attacks is far more likely than any of this radical environmentalist bushwah.
In exchange, all I ask is that they stuff a cork in their damnable global warming propaganda-holes.
Now I know you’re wondering “where can I get one?”
Well the bad news is that there’s only one, and Les had to design and build the entire thing from scratch.
But the good news is that if you REALLY want to buy it, he said he’s willing to consider serious offers. If you’d like to discuss it with him, you can contact him here.
Not content with ruining an hour of your life on March 31st, the greenies are back at it again less than a month later with “Earth Day”, which is like some sort of hippie Christmas or something.
Yeah, leave it to the Watermelons to pick a day for celebration when it’s still too cold to hang out in the back yard wearing an apron and a wife beater (pants optional) while drinking beer and grilling steaks. There’s a reason the 4th of July falls on the 4th of July every year, people.
Since no one you know or like knows a damn thing about Earth Day, I’ll get you up to speed so that if you end up talking to a liberal today, you can dish some knowledge and then act like he’s a total moron for not already knowing these…
15 FUN FACTS ABOUT EARTH DAY
Properly dispose of your trash and children by feeding them to The Sod Monster.
1) Earth Day was invented by Gaylord Nelson, then a U.S. Senator from Wisconsin, on April 22nd 1970, in an valiant effort to make people spend their time caring about the environment instead of snickering at his first name.
2) Earth Day is celebrated every year on April 22nd, which, coincidentally, is Russian dictator V.I. Lenin’s birthday. Although Lenin was too busy being dead to directly participate in the first Earth Day celebration in 1970, visitors to his tomb that day swear they heard chuckling.
3) An early supporter of the Earth Day movement was “Population Bomb” author Paul Erlich, whose work presciently predicted the widespread famines and food riots that killed millions of Americans during the Reagan years.
4) One of the most popular Earth Day activities is to reduce usage of water – a rare and precious commodity which few living people have seen outside of pictures – of which barely 400 quadrillion gallons currently remain.
5) Most Earth Day functions you will attend put out “recycling bins” to collect plastic water bottles. This reduces waste and pollution by having the containers hauled away separate from the garbage bins by 20-ton diesel trucks that get 3 miles to the gallon.
6) On Earth Day 2005, over 1000 people stood on a Canadian ice floe to spell out the words “Arctic Warming,” which, unfortunately, local polar bears mis-read as “Free Crunchy Meat Snacks.”
7) The EPA offers a free newsletter with handy Earth Day tips such as “Keep appliances in good working order.” Which is completely useless advice as it doesn’t tell you whether to use a fork or a knife to fix your toaster.
8) Some folks enjoy writing “6 word essays” on Earth Day, like “Many nations. One planet. Our home.” Mostly people who portrayed Indians in westerns during the 1950’s.
9) In preparation for Earth Day, teachers are encouraged to help children learn about global warming by periodically poking them with an “alertness stick” during a screening of “An Inconvenient Truth”.
10) One of the biggest crises addressed during the first Earth Day celebrations was ozone depletion. We don’t give a crap about that any more.
11) Sadly, although Earth Day was founded on an ideal of environmental justice, American law schools still hand out very few degrees to spotted owls.
12) On Earth Day 2003, students in the UK set a world record by planting 4100 trees, which were later cut down by men who skip and jump, like to press wild flowers, put on women’s clothing, and hang around in bars.
13) One of the watchwords of Earth Day is “reuse.” If you see a hobo begging for change using an old Slurpee cup, give him a big ‘ol Earth Day hug of thanks.
14) On the first Earth Day in 1970, activists spilled oil on the sidewalk outside the U.S. Department of the Interior to protest against offshore drilling, completely destroying the crab-fishing industry in the DC metro area.
15) The EPA was founded shortly after, and because of, the first Earth Day in 1970. Since its inception, the EPA has saved enough electricity to power 2 million homes by enforcing laws that prevent power plants from creating that electricity.
______________
Final thought:
Every time someone makes a list of Earth Day activities, they’re really just telling you how you can make hippies cry by doing the opposite.
Innomonatus is taking the whole “Obama Ate a Dog” thing in a new and interesting direction:
I’ve just started on my next parody song, “We don’t eat dogs” to the tune of We Are the World… It would be EPICALLY AWESOME if everybody in our little corner of the blogosphere contributed a line or two, as was done in the original.
Basically what he’s asking for is volunteers to record themselves singing a couple lines. He’ll write the lyrics and do all the mixing. All you have to do is make a tiny little audio file & email it to him.
And don’t let lack of singing ability stop you. Remember, Bob Dylan sang in the original “We Are the World”, and that man couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket with a forklift.
To get you in the mood for Earth Day tomorrow, here’s a comprehensive list – complete with source-links – of every damn thing the fern-fondlers have blamed on global warming so far:
You won’t read the entire thing because it’s dry and factual, but I do encourage you to at least click through and gaze in wonder at the monstrous wall of text required to properly document environmental insanity.
Maybe skim through here & there until you find something that boggles your mind by its very inclusion. Like “thatched cottages at risk” and “witchcraft executions”.
If you know of anything that’s NOT on the list, there’s a contact email at the site.
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
On this lonely road, trying to make it home
Doing it by my lonesome — pissed off, who wants some
I’m fighting for my soul, God get at your boy
You try to bogart — fall back, I go hard
On this lonely road, trying to make it home
Doing it by my lonesome — pissed off, who wants some
I see them long hard times to come…
Raylan, I need you to pack your bags. You’re going to Detroit.
