Archive of entries posted on April 2012

Nuke the News: We Need a Bailout Bailout

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* Biden wants to assure us that Obama has a big stick.

Have you seen any features on what Biden is like out of politics? I mean, is he this dumb in real life? The guy comes off as Lenny from Of Mice and Men given public office. Except when he accidentally breaks a puppies neck, Obama eats them.

And as for Obama wielding a “big stick,” do you think he’ll use it against anyone other than his own citizens who don’t like giant government.

* I can’t believe Obama ever thought of attacking Romney on flip flopping. Does Obama want to portray himself as someone who won’t change his ways — i.e., we’re going to get this exact same inept awfulness for another four years?

Then again, the other attack idea from Obama is to portray Romney as an extreme right-wing conservative. Seems like a hard feat when Romney couldn’t himself convince Republicans he’s even a regular conservative.

* Poor Obama, he thinks his problem is that we just don’t understand him. In fact, I think I wrote a book on how Obama is just too beyond us that we lash out at him in fear. Maybe he could give speeches to better explain things to us since he’s supposed to be such a great speaker. Oh, he tried that and that didn’t work. Maybe he could be all petulant and play golf a lot. Oh, he tried that and that didn’t work either. Well, maybe he can just shout, “You all don’t deserve me!” and then not run for reelection. That’s a great idea; he should do that.

* Obama has solved one problem — one he seemed determined not to solve: illegal immigration. Ends up we didn’t need border fences or deportation or Mexi-cannons — all we needed was a horrible economy. Thanks Obama for your outside the box thinking on this one.

* I can’t believe they’re making student loans an issue for this election. I just paid off mine last year, and if there is a bailout for student loans, I’ll be so mad. It seems like those of us who play by the rules are just constantly having to pay for the bad choices of stupid people. Can’t there be a bailout for people who aren’t idiots? Like can’t we confiscate whatever little money idiots have left and distribute it to people like me? I.e., I want a piece of the profits from the lottery.

Random Thoughts: “Tell Me Again About the Rabbits, Barack”

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King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, is named after the king of Prussia.

I didn’t make that fact up. I looked it up on Wikipedia.

Man, I was 23 when I started blogging. I hate 23 year olds. They’re so stupid about politics.

I still hope to be rich and famous some day, but I’ll settle for just rich. I don’t know how annoying famous could be.

Do you think it would be possible to one day liberate California or is that another Iraq type situation?

So Biden is basically Lenny from Of Mice and Men elected to public office.

I’d think Obama would love a friend who accidentally kills puppies. “Well, no reason to let this dead puppy go to waste…”

How about if the government bails you out of your student loans, you could then be randomly selected to fight to death in the Debt Games.

What is it with conservatives and wanting choices to have consequences?

I really should be part of a think tank. How much do they pay?

Conservatives: “Don’t touch the hot stove!”
Liberals: “How can we use the government to make hot stoves touchable?”

Bring up the “99%” and “1%” nonsense around me and my fist will start occupying some faces.

Romney once saved a dog? So he’s way ahead of Obama on dogs “saved or created.”

I wish Edward Norton was still Hulk. Ruffalo is better suited to getting in a misunderstanding with Reese Witherspoon than threatening aliens.

Edward Norton is just very good at looking wimpy while still being threatening.

Link of the Day: If the Characters in the Avengers Movie Were Played by Dinosaurs

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Dino Avengers Excavated & Assembled

The big question is whether Ironkylosaurus would technically count as Frank’s coveted “dinosaur with a rocket launcher.”

If you think Dino-Avengers are a terrible idea, just be thankful they didn’t try making the movie in 1978:


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #1,172,558)

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

UPDATE: Avengers characters made out of objects you can buy at Target.

EPA Apologizes for Threatening to Crucify Oil Companies

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WASHINGTON (AP) – The Obama-appointed Environmental Protection Agency official who explained that the agency uses a “crucify them” enforcement philosophy against oil and gas companies apologized for his comments on Wednesday night.

“All we ask is a simple offering of earth and water as a token of your submission, or our arrows will blot out the sun.”

“I apologize to those I have offended and regret my poor choice of words,” said Region 6 EPA Administrator Al Armendariz during a press conference. “Although I WAS historically correct about the Romans crucifying people at random to subjugate the conquered – which would make it a perfectly appropriate weapon for the EPA’s regulatory arsenal.”

“However, I’ve since been informed that ‘crucifixion’ is a term frequently associated with Christianity, and because this administration wishes to avoid the appearance of unconstitutionally conflating church and state, I withdraw the remark.”

“Obviously,” continued Armendariz, “I was just trying to say that the EPA intends only to enforce its own brand of bureaucratic justice, brooking not the least whisper of rebellion from the broken and defeated blackguards of the ‘free-marketeer’ persuasion. There will be no ‘exploration’. There will be no ‘profits’. There are only taxes and obedience. We will violate their women, burn their buildings, feed their dogs to our President, and sow salt upon their land, that it may lay scarred and desolate for all of eternity.”

“So,” concluded Armendariz, “I apologize if the ‘crucifixion’ thing offended any Muslims.”

In My World: The Weirder Candidate

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“We need to portray Romney as a weirdo they can’t trust,” President Obama said in his strategy meeting. “That way, everyone will want to keep the country in my steady hands; they can see how well I putt.”

“We have a problem, though,” David Axelrod said. “Some weird stuff has come up about your past.”

Obama rolled his eyes. “This isn’t about that time I shot and ate a Chinaman, is it? They can’t dredge that up since I was only twenty-four at the time. And it’s not like something I’d normally do because I was high on coke. And nowadays, I lock myself in a room before doing blow.”

“No, it’s not that,” Axelrod said.

“Is this about Jeremiah Wright, then? My association with him shows I’m religious just like all those invisible sky fairy worshipers in the fly over states. I even participated in church activities like when I drove around with Wright and beat up white kids. I didn’t quite get the point of it, but I don’t really understand religion. What do we have against Satan again?”

“No, it’s not about that,” Axelrod said.

Obama sighed. “They’re not bringing up William Ayers again, are they? I barely knew the guy and hardly any of the bombs I made for him successfully went off.”

“No, that’s not it either.”

“Did they find my second wife? Romney can’t make an issue of that because his great-grandfather was a polygamist. And so what if she’s in al Qaeda; they’re hardly a threat anymore.”

“No not that. Here, I’ll show you.”

Axelrod turned on the TV. On screen was Mitt Romney talking to the press. “It’s come to my attention that Barack Obama has eaten dogs. While I’ve never personally met someone in the middle class, I’ve been credibly informed they don’t like it when people eat dogs. If I owned a dog as a child, I’d never have eaten him. Of course, as a rich person, my pet was instead a pygmy albino gorilla named Reginald. He did eat a dog, and I was very cross at him for it and locked him in his gorilla pen all night and didn’t give him the vintage Merlot he signed for.”

“What?” Obama exclaimed. “They’re bringing that up?! But I was only six… when I started. And we’re really careful to make sure each replacement Bo looks just like the last.”

“Still,” Axelrod said, “it makes you seem a little weird.”

“Romney can’t portray me as weird! He’s the weird one! He’s a Mormon, which means he wears magic underwear… which is way different than the cursed underwear I wear and am unable to take off.”

“Have you tried taking them off?”

“I TOLD YOU THEY’RE CURSED!” Obama screamed. “Anyway, the public will like me again when I finally get them the unicorns I promised them in my 2008 campaign. When do we show the public the breeding pair we found?”

“Um… don’t you remember? You killed and ate them.”

Obama thought for a moment. “No, I don’t remember. We really need better locks on my recreation room.”

“Anyway, the dog-eating isn’t all bad.” Axelrod handed Obama a memo. “When we polled who people like more, a dog-eater or the person responsible for the current state of the economy, the dog-eater polled much better. It might be better to keep people focused on that than on other things.”

Obama nodded. “Then I will do nothing but publicly eat dogs until the election.”

“And maybe start eating live kittens at some point if people begin to lose interest.”

“Consider it done!” Obama stood up. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to wind down. Get the locks ready.”
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[Click for more “Obama Ate a Dog” humor]

UPDATE: linked by Darth Chipmunk

Random Thoughts: A Visual Representation of Awesomeness

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The Obama reelection strategy is basically the abusive boyfriend convincing us we can’t do any better.

So are Obama’s lawyers for Supreme Court cases stupid or do they just have really stupid positions to argue?

So this community Obama organized back in Chicago, is it still on fire or did they finally get that under control?

Trying to think of a cover suggestion to my book “The Plan to Keep America Awesome.” What’s a visual representation of American awesomeness?

Looks like the book comes out the day after Labor Day, BTW.

To me, one of the best representations of American awesomeness is the American flag on the moon.

BTW, you can see the description for “The Plan to Keep America Awesome” here.

This is pretty awesome.

What cognac best complements Taco Bell?

UPDATE: Linked by Copacabana

10 Liberal Oxymorons

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Previously on IMAO, I quoted Bill Maher saying “Whatever a liberal says, no matter how sensible.”

Commenter FormerHostage [High Praise!] suggested that was like saying:

“whenever Michael Moore takes pride in his personal appearance and hygiene” or “when Keith Over-man gives a calm, reasoned response” or “when Bill Maher is funny.”

Good point.

So let’s roll with it. Here’s 10 more Liberal Oxymorons:
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“I’m sorry, but the limitations placed on me by the Constitution clearly prohibit me from doing that.”

1) When Barabara Boxer ducks to walk through a doorway.

2) When Robert Reich shaves.

3) When Obama cuts spending.

4) When Joe Biden goes off-teleprompter and no one gasps in awkward horror.

5) When Al Sharpton sympathizes with the white victim of black thugs who beat him while yelling about “justice for Trayvon.”

6) When Hillary Clinton wears a dress.

7) When Eric Holder prosecutes a Black Panther.

8) When Occupy protesters clean up a park.

9) When Michelle Obama decides a vacation would be too big of a burden on taxpayers.

10) When Nancy Pelosi chose to grow old with grace and dignity, shunning elective surgeries and chemical skin-rejuvenation techniques.
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“When a liberal finds ‘Obama ate a dog’ jokes funny” isn’t on the list because that actually happened.

15 Fun Facts About Obama Eating a Dog

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I swear I *really* want to stop talking about this subject, but something keeps drawing me back in.

Maybe if I type out a some of these annoying thoughts swirling around my head, I can make it all go away.
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The worst part about Obama eating a dog? None of the toadies on his staff had the guts to tell him he still had whiskers stuck in his teeth. Whiskers was the name of the dog.

1) In 1972, a Uruguayan rugby team’s airplane crashed in the Andes mountains, and some of them ate human flesh to survive. Unlike Barack Obama, none of them ate a dog.

2) If a liberal defends Obama’s dog-eating, just say – slowly, and with an honestly-confused look on your face – “yeah… but… Obama. Ate. A. Dog.” Ironically, said liberal will then get angry enough to bite the head off a terrier.

3) Obama supposedly ate a dog to gain its powers. Was his goal to lick his own privates, or did he just want to eat cat turds out of a litter box?

4) Speaking of dog-powers, Koreans regularly eat dogs, yet unlike a dog, North Korea has yet to successfully launch into Earth orbit. What’s up with that?

5) Many Americans are skeptical about whether Obama actually ate a dog, since he has yet to release his original, long-form recipe.

6) Some people are demanding that Obama apologize for eating a dog. Others call the notion ridiculous and insist that nothing short of reparations will suffice.

7) At a press briefing, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney responded to inquiries on Obama’s dog-eating by saying “it’s just a distraction”, and NOT – as some outlets reported – “a dachshund.”

8) The thing that angers liberals most about “Obama ate a dog” jokes is that they don’t make the people who tell them look racist.

9) And you thought Glenn Reynolds had trouble shaking the “puppy blender” moniker…

10) Obama never actually said he ate a dog. He only said he was “introduced to dog meat.” Begging the question, “after the introductions were over, when did he say his goodbyes?”

11) Meriwether Lewis (of Lewis and Clark fame) also ate dog. However, historians have yet to discover a single hilarious photoshopped image of him doing so.

12) Although Obama has promised that his dog-eating days are behind him, he was recently caught on a hot mic telling Russian President Dmitry Medvedev that, after the election, he’d have the “flexibility” to “chew on a dog” if Putin said his name 3 times.

13) Obama eating a dog is just a distraction from the real issues this country faces, like OBAMA ATE ROASTED GRASSHOPPER! Are we avoiding this discussion just because Mitt Romney never strapped a grasshopper to the roof of his car? The man ate a bug! And he wasn’t even being chased by Reavers!

14) Can you imagine how irritated feminists would be at the jokes being made if Obama had eaten a cat?

15) Hopefully, Obama eating a dog will finally make dogs seriously reflect and ask themselves, “why do they ate us?”. Also, they should reflect on their poor grammar skills.
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And, because I’m sure you guys need to get it out of your systems, I’ll be awarding High Praise! to the worst “Obama ate a dog” pun that gets left in the comments. Allow me to set the bar nice & low:

“Why did Obama brag about eating a dog? Doesn’t he know that Americans find that re-pug-nant?”

UPDATE: High Praise! to Les for setting the bar so low even Hermes Conrad couldn’t limbo under it.

[Click for more “Obama Ate a Dog” humor]

Nuke the News: Stop Giving Moron Kids Giant Loans

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* Obama and Romney have been going on about student loans lately. Apparently we’re in a crisis with those. Obama says he only paid his off eight years ago (I finally paid mine off last year). It does seem like an idiotic situation we’re in, but since it seems to be mainly a government made problem, I’m not sure how more government is going to help.

Let’s say someone goes to a bank and says, “Hey, I’m an idiotic eighteen-year-old. Want to give me a hundred thousand dollar loan?” The bank would send out the security to beat the teenager with sticks and everyone would end up the better for it. But instead, we have the government guaranteeing those idiotic loans so they get made anyway. It’s supposed to be we’re investing in our kids education, but as you can see from the college grads in Occupy Wall Street, mutual funds would be a much better investment. How about we stop this crisis by doing the logical thing and not giving moron teenagers the ability to go deeply into debt since most sensible banks would never give them that money in the first place without meddlesome government intervention?

* Gingrich is thinking about suspending his campaign. Probably with the combination of landslide losses, being deeply in debt, and pretty much everyone ignoring that the primary is still going on, he’s thinking maybe he won’t win the nomination. That guy has a mind like a steel trap.

* It looks like Romney’s strategy will be to portray Obama as a nice guy who is in over his head as president. So I guess Romney isn’t going to talk about how Obama is a dog-eating son of a polygamist who launched his political career from a terrorist’s house and who’s spiritual adviser is a crazed, racist conspiracy theorist. Instead, Romney is just going to focus on how horrible Obama has been at absolutely everything as president. Seems like a good strategy.

Personally, I’ll probably focus a bit on the dog-eating, though.

* The Supreme Court is hearing arguments over the Arizona immigration law. The federals government under Obama wants to not enforce its laws and thinks that supersedes the states’ rights to enforce them. Let’s just feel lucky we don’t have a more liberal court or they’d probably just rule borders as racist and illegal.

* My favorite comic, Axe Cop, is going to be made into a TV show for FOX. In these trying times, what our nation needs is a no-nonsense cop with an axe.

So are they going to have the now eight-year-old Malachai Nicolle actually write the series? I don’t think any adult will be able to quite recreate his creative genius. Children are just better at creativity; we eventually put limits on our own thinking as we grow older and slowly lose that ability. Not me, though, because I’m awesome (and as proof I’m awesome, I have a parodying drawing of the cover of my book by Axe Cop artist Ethan Nicolle).

UPDATE: linked by Darth Chipmunk

UPDATE: linked by Liberal Whoppers

Random Thoughts: Obama Is Here to Help

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The GOP should start a “War on People Looking for Distractions from How Bad Obama Has Been at Being President.”

“Where did these people get the idea that government isn’t the solution to the problem but is the problem?” -Reagan looking at today’s GOP

So Obama is going to take on the government created mess of student loans? Chance of things becoming worse: 1 in 1.

Link of the Day: TSA Saves America From Threat of Crying 4-Year-Old Girl

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[High Praise! to zzyzx]

Tell me again why we need these clowns?:

Weeping four-year-old girl accused of carrying a GUN by TSA officers after she hugged her grandmother while passing through security

Here’s the dangerous terrorist in question:

Yeah… she fits the profile…

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

lolterizt! Part 156

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This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


[reference link]

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Arik:

From Arik:

From Arik:

From James:

[reference link]

From James:

From Joe:

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]

From Velvet Elvis:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

That’s North Korea’s Dear Leader Kim Jong Un.

Well, James told me that his “pink and green” caption is a reference to something, but he didn’t include a link and Google isn’t helping. Anyone have any idea?

Otherwise, I’m giving the prize to me in the hopes that no one here actually knows what “The Dougie” is.

UPDATE: High Praise! to JC who recognized James’s reference to “The Official Preppy Handbook.”

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Nuke the News: Dog-Eaters and Other Unpopular Politicians

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* I think I might be about tapped out of Obama dog-eating jokes. Eh, I’m sure I’ll think of more eventually. Anyway, there’s now a Dogs Against Obama website. Here’s a video from it:

And here’s a special video about the most terrorized dog out there, Bo:

If you told me as a kid that we’d have a black president, I’d say, “Of course. I always assumed we would.” But if you told me we’d have a president who ate dogs, I’d say, “What! The Soviets win?!”

* Now that the general election is pretty much underway, who is up for some more VP speculation? Much of it is focused on Marco Rubio who is going to be giving some “major foreign policy speech” for some reason. Is he prepping himself for the national stage? The only problem is that the World Net Daily says Rubio isn’t eligible to be president and that the toaster over is spying on them.

The other name mentioned a lot is Rob Portman who is the the governor of Ohio who sjdaklja…

Whoops, I fell asleep there. He’s apparently the boring safe choice. Boring might be good, though. We can’t all have exciting picks like Joe Biden who just the other day referred to the Florida everglades as the “ever-gators.” That guy is full of endless amusement.

* Hey, I have an idea for something the GOP can declare a war on — how about a “War on People Looking for Distractions from How Bad Obama Has Been at Being President.” I mean, the dog stuff is fun and all, but let’s not forget about how absolutely terrible Obama is at everything. A lot of people think Obama has a good shot at being reelected, but I really don’t think they’re factoring in the horrible at being president enough into their calculations.

* John Edwards has a 3% approval rating right now. Did he eat a dog too?

Hey do you remember how, despite being an obvious horrible phony to anyone with a lick of sense, he was the Democrats choice for VP in 2004? And then the Daily Kos flocked behind him in 2008 as the real progressive concerned about the poor and suffering? Let us never forget. The left would literally line up behind Hitler if Hitler learned to parrot the right stuff about “women’s health issues” and such.

* Jon Huntsman compared the GOP to the Communist Chinese for some reason, and of course Slate is encouraging him to form a third party.

“Party of one for Mr. Huntsman.”

[Click for more “Obama Ate a Dog” humor]