There is an affliction going around. Maybe you have seen it in your friends or acquaintances. It usually manifests itself by a vacuous, glassy look in the eyes, an obsession with Rachel Maddow or John Stewart and a tendency to say things so stupid only an intellectual could believe them. They seem to think they are part of an elite class that knows best how each of us should live our lives, and they would like to regulate away the individual’s freedom to choose. This affliction has a name, my friends, and that name is demonic possession. We now know that this affliction is caused by possession by an evil spirit known as a Demoncrat. Fortunately, there is a cure.

Should you suspect a friend or loved one is suffering from this affliction, we, for a slight fee, would be willing to perform the ritual taxorcism to banish the Demoncrat spirit. The ritual requires the following components:

1) The Federalist Papers, The Constitution, The Wealth of Nations and the Holy Bible, any of which is enough to make a liberal spirit weep and wail and gnash its teeth;

2 ) An American flag lapel pin, equally repellent to the liberal spirit;

3) Holy water prepared from unbottled, unfiltered, municipal tap water;

4) Crude oil scraped from either an otter or a pelican. It must not be contaminated at any point by hippy;

5) Ropes made from anything other than hemp or any other recyclable material;

6) Bedding made only from the skins and pelts of cute, furry mammals;

7) Food items from any establishment that has been the victim of a PETA protest;

8) Copious amounts of bacon and veal;

9) Artificial vegetables made wholly from animal by products from extinct or endangered animals. The use of extinct animals (particularly those hunted to extinction), though difficult to acquire, is particularly powerful, though endangered ones will suffice;

10) An assault rifle, preferably a banned one;

11 ) Tanks of compressed carbon dioxide;

12) Podcasts of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Greg Gutfeld, Ace of Spades  and Glenn Beck;

13) A number of portraits of Ronald Reagan;

14) A large jar of jelly beans as a suitable offering;

15) Industrial strength carpet and fabric stain remover; and

16) Lots and lots of wet wipes.

While we unequivocally recommend that you leave this ritual in the hands of our expert taxorcists, if you disregard this warning and attempt the ritual yourself, please note the following:

1) Please ensure the subject is securely bound on the bed. Once the ritual begins, they will try to contort their body and reinsert their head into their butt as a protective measure. If they succeed, an extraction must be performed and the ritual must be reinitiated.

2) Please pay no heed to the vile utterances that will spew from the mouth of the subject. Remember, it is the inner Demoncrat speaking. No matter how often it calls you a racist, homophobic, gun-clinging, religion-clinging, flyover, redneck ignoramous, stick to your guns. No matter how often they beg for socialized medicine, do not succumb.

3) At some point the subject will projectile vomit. Don’t worry. That is normal and natural. It is the body’s way of purging the vegan spirit. Whenever this happens, replenish and nourish them with any of the non-PETA approved foods.

4) If the subject’s head begins to turn around, that is also normal. It will need to turn at least a full 180° before the spinal column is once again properly aligned and logical thinking can resume.

5) At no point must you ever let the podcasts stop playing.

6) Lastly, if things seem to get out of hand, sprinkle the subject with the holy water, attach the flag pin to their lapel and begin a litany of “The Power of Reagan Compels Thee.”

Should things get entirely out of hand, for a mere $2,499.99, our expert taxorcists will be happy to take care of the problem for you. Simply contact us at:

Lactose the Intolerant

The van under the overpass down by the river

Farmington, ME

• To contain the outbreak, he is secretly transporting all ebola patients to Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas…..
• Consulting with Dustin Hoffman and Morgan Freeman, but not Rene Russo
• Decreeing America an Ebola-Free Zone
• Lots of healing crystals and homeopathic solutions
• Reorganizing all affected communities
• By executive order, Obamacare now covers Airborne^®
• Blaming Bush
• Reassuring Americans that the ebola virus is not viral, and that 99% of global viruses do not align themselves with the goals and methods of ebola
• Judiciously updating his anti-viral software
• Developing a vaccine from his own superior white blood cells
• Telling the IRS that ebola is a member of the Tea Party
• Scolding the virus for its history of afflicting a disproportionate number of black people
• Instituting an affirmative action and bussing program for the virus granting its carriers access to more affluent white countries, states and neighborhoods
• Adding the virus to the Endangered Species List
• Smacking Chris Brown upside the head for spilling the beans about the population control program
• Reminding Americans that ebola is a poor, repressed, misunderstood virus that only hates us becuase of our foreign policy
• Sending Joe to Africa with a dust mask, some chains and lots of confiscated and expired Robitussin
• Cowering in his bunker with a bubble and a year’s supply of vitamin C

(Full disclosure of his efforts will be revealed after the November elections)

At a press conference this morning, Representative Ellison was asked his opinion on the California legislation that required an ‘affirmative, conscious and voluntary agreement before engaging in sexual activity’ on California college campuses. Representative Ellison had this to say:

“I think the ‘yes means yes’ rule, or the ‘si means si’ rule as it is more commonly known by California residents and the colleges’ custodial staffs, is a wonderful idea that is bringing the state one step closer to the ideal of Sharia Law. While it is a good idea, I think we need to take it further if we want to protect women from date rape and men from false accusations of date rape. In this, the wisdom of Sharia is clear. As we all know, according to the Quran, a woman’s testimony is only worth ¼ that of a man’s. In a he said/she said situation, the woman cannot be believed. Consequently, the affirmative consent should be witnessed by either a second man or four additional women, and since it is within the right of the participants to withdraw consent at any time throughout the encounter, it would behoove the witnesses to remain present and observant throughout. While the witnesses have to be there anyway, they might as well each voice affirmative consent, witnessed in turn by all present, and join in; however, in that case it would be wise to videotape the proceedings, preferably with an Apple product connected to the Cloud to keep it secure. Since Sharia is silent regarding the number of video recorders required, I would recommend a minimum of three placed strategically to record the entire encounter thus ensuring the safety and continued consent of all involved. Afterwards, following a considered review of the witness statements, the video recordings and marital status of those involved, stoning of the women may commence as necessary.”

Here are the top ten things Obama is doing to remember the loss our country suffered on 9/11/01.

• golf
• golf
• golf
• golf
• golf
• golf
• golf
• golf
• golf
• golf

I’ve been wondering why my liberal friends aren’t outraged by what ISIS is doing in Iran and Syria. My talk about beheadings and totalitarian leanings don’t seem to sway them at all. Maybe we need to change the spin a bit to get the left upset with this group. Here are some things ISIS is doing that should get liberals outraged:

• Paying their women 0% of the salary they pay their men
• Using guns with magazines holding more than 10 rounds
• Many of their beheaders aren’t officially licensed
• The rats in their opium processing tents weren’t wearing hairnets
• Jihadis aren’t provided with healthcare that covers abortions
• Their soldiers aren’t unionized
• Their bombs lack the governmentally required safeguards
• Their camels emit copious amounts of greenhouse gases
• Their nerve gas was tested on animals
• Jihadi transports don’t have enough seatbelts
• The use of lead in their bullets is not environmentally sound
• Excessive ululating increases atmospheric carbon dioxide
• The children they kidnap aren’t given sex education courses before being sold to pimps
• They don’t seem to realize that Obama has changed the world already

I just realized it has been over a month since I posted, so I thought it would be polite to let you know I have not been spirited away by the NSA for ordering all that fertilizer and uranium again.   For a moment, I couldn’t even remember my logon (thank goodness muscle memory kicked in).  I suddenly got this book idea and couldn’t shake it, so that is where all of my creative juices have been flowing for the last month, but that is wrapping up now.  It’s out of my system.  Pretty soon I will figure out what is going on in the world again and start making fun of stuff I hope.  Til then, Happy Fourth of July everybody!

(Barack, Joe, Kerry and Bill are in the Oval Office drafting a will to name the successors when Barack and Joe fake their own deaths)

Barack: No, no, no, no.  He’s too accomplished.  We need to replace me someone who will not upstage my accomplishments.

Kerry: Is Jimmy Carter still alive?  He can still serve another term right?

Barack: No, he’s already too well known.  Already been compared to me.  He might accidentally accomplish something.  We need a total loser.

Joe: There’s always Hillary.

All (riotous laughter)

Joe: Well, the picking of people lamer than you is getting pretty slim.

Barack: Really? Really?  I’m starting to take offense at that.  Starting to offend now.  Can’t be that hard.

Bill: Ok, suggest someone then.  Who do you want to have be your successor?

Barack: Ok, Justin Beiber.  I’m pretty sure Justin Beiber would make a worse President than I am.

Kerry: He can’t be President, dude.

Joe: He’s not even American, dude.  Isn’t he like from Maine or something?

Kerry: Totally.  And he’s far too young, dude.  Can’t even vote for himself yet, dude.

Bill: Totally.  And it’s hard enough sneaking my own Brazilian prostitutes into this place.  Don’t need the whore traffic to be doubling.  Not enough secret entrances, dude.  Can’t be losing my whores in a bottleneck.  I’m not going back to interns, dude.  I can’t, dude.  Not gonna happen.

Barack: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. We’re forgetting something here. This will is like all legally binding and stuff, right?  All legally binding?

Bill: Well, yeah. Of course it is.  So what?

Barack: I can’t believe no one thought of this before.  It doesn’t matter what that Declaration of Independents thing says.  The will is legally binding. It trumps it, dude.  Totally trumps it. We can put anything we want in it. We can make Justin Beiber President.  Doesn’t matter what the declaration says.

Joe: I can’t see any flaws in the logic.  No flaws.  I can’t believe no one thought of this before.  We can put our whole agenda in this will, dude.  And the law has to comply.  They have to do it.  It’s like, the law of wills and stuff.

Bill: Totally.  But, well, you have to be willing to die for it, of course.

Barack: Well, fake die, anyway.  I’m willing to fake die for my beliefs.

Bill: Totally.  And I’d be willing to kill those other two losers outright for my beliefs too.  Total sacrificial lambs, dude. But that reminds me.  There is something we need to discuss in private.  So, Joe and Kerry, hoof it.

Joe: I’m not leaving.

Kerry: Totally, dudes.  Don’t trust you guys a bit.

Bill: I call attorney client privilege.  You gotta go, dudes.  It’s the law.  You gotta go.  Attorney client privilege.  Shoo, shoo, shoo.

Barack: Get out of here.  Let the adults speak for a bit.

Joe: Ok, ok, ok.  But I’m checking Wikipedia, and if you are lying to me, I’m heading right back in here.

Bill: Fine.  Just go, go, go.

(Joe and Kerry leave)

Bill: Ok, gotta speak fast.  Won’t take him long to look that up on Wikipedia.

Barack: No worries.  Take your time. He won’t be back anytime soon.  We disabled the wifi on his Fisher Price laptop.  It won’t take long for him to give up and get wrapped up in that I’m a Little Teapot game I installed.

Bill: Ok, but this is really important.  If this is going to work, we have to do things right, which means keeping those losers out of the planning. Have you figured out how you are going to fake your deaths?

Barack: Well, I wasn’t really gonna fake Joe’s death. I mean, come on.  I was gonna kill him for real.

Bill: Yeah.  I was gonna suggest that.  Good for appearances.  Adds credibility.  Makes your own death seem more legit.

Barack: Totally, and he would never make it in the shanty town anyway.  Good as dead anyway. Good as dead.  Good as dead.

Bill: Exactly.  Stabbed within the first five minutes. Never make it out alive anyway.  Totally a dead man walking. But how are you gonna work it for you?

Barack: If we are gonna die, can’t make it a wimpy death. It has to be something worthy of me.  Gotta make it good. Really good.  Blaze of glory good, dude. Totally blazing and glorying. A total blazing glory hole of glory.

Bill: Right. Something for the history books. Totally, dude.

Barack: I’m thinking drone attack. Can’t ID the bodies the normal way after that, dude.  Gotta call in the special doctors and scientists and stuff.  Blow up Joe, sprinkle a bit of my DNA on the scene, and I’m golden.  As far as anyone knows, we were both there.  Both exploded, dudes.

Bill: Kind of an ironic end, too.  You getting droned up good like that. After all the droning you done. All that droning on and on and on.

Barack: Totally, dude.  And I was gonna leave a fake paper trail leading back to the Tea Party or Sarah Palin or Frank J or some such moron.  Get them strung up too.  Going out in a blaze of glory and taking them down with me.

Bill: Totally, like four or five birds with one stone, dude. But I think you might need more than just a sprinkling of your DNA on the scene to convince everyone you bit it, dude. There are a lot of nut jobs out there.  There are some whack jobs out there just waiting to believe in some crazy conspiracy theory that you faked your own death.

Barack: That’s totally whack, dude.  Who would believe some crazy stuff like that, dude.  Who really fakes their own death anymore?  Who does that?  It’s not like in the days  of Elvis and JFK?  No one does that anymore.

Bill: I’m just saying you got to do better.  There are some crazies out there.  I was talking to Osama just the other day, and he was telling me that he still had folks believing you didn’t really kill him.  Everyone is so suspicious nowadays.

Barack: Totally.  It’s all Bush’s fault, you know. Bush all the way.  But what do you suggest?

Bill: Dental records, dude.  They are always identifying dead guys with their dental records.

Barack: What? Leave my dental records at the scene?  That’s just silly, dude.  The records wouldn’t even survive the blast, and why would I be carrying dental records around with me anyway?  Is that a thing? Who does that?  No one carries their dental records around with them.

Bill: No, no, no, no, dude. It’s not like that.  Not like that at all.  No.  They gather up all of your dead teeth and stuff and match it up with your dental records.  It’s like a fingerprint.  They can tell they are your teeth dude.

Barack: No, no, no, no, no.

Bill: Oh yes.  Gotta sprinkle your pearly whites around in the blast debris.  Only way to be sure.  Let me grab the pliers, and I’ll be right back.

Barack: No way, dude! No way!  No way! No way! I can’t eat canines without my canines dude.  Gotta find another way.

Bill: There is no other way, dude. And we don’t need to leave all of them. Just enough to ID you.  I’ll be right back, dude.  Start thinking about your least favorite chompers.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

(Bill, Joe, Barack, Kerry and Hillary are in the Oval Office plotting how to fake Joe’s and Barack’s deaths to avoid a beating by Putin)

Joe: You guys are all wrong.  I can totally fit in in the shanty town.  Check this out, dudes. (takes off shirt) Look at all the tats I just got, dude.  Totally badass.  Totally intimidating.  They’ll probably all think I’m all MS-13 or something.

Kerry: All your tats are in Chinese, dude.  Chinese.  No one is gonna think you are an illegal Mexican.

Joe: Oh, you are so racist. Chinese tats are cool, dude.  Are you telling me that illegal Mexicans can’t get Chinese tats, dude.  You are so racist.

Barack: Totally, dude.  You are a total racist.

Kerry: I am not a racist, dude.  Lighten up.

Barack: I can’t believe you just said that.  You can’t tell me to lighten up.  That is so racist. Oh, you are such a racist.

Kerry: Just shut up.  Shut up. Dudes, MS-13 dudes don’t have Chinese tats.  They just don’t.  Hipsters, yes.  MS-13, no.

Bill: Speaking of hipsters, that reminds me, have you guys seen my new girlfriend?  You’ve seen her, right?

Hillary: Hello.  I’m standing right here. Do you even care that I am hearing this?

Bill: Which reminds me, why are you even here?

Barack: Totally.  We kicked you out of the gang years ago.

Bill: Ignore her.  She’s not important.  But I was wondering about my new girlfriend.  Do you think she is really into me or is she just enough of a hipster to be dating me ironically?

Barack: Does anyone understand what he just asked?

Kerry: The words were coming out.  I was hearing them. But there was no meaning.  I have no idea what they meant.

Joe: Guys, guys, guys.  You are forgetting the issue here.  My tattoos are totally badass, right?  You have to agree that they are badass.

Kerry: Do you even know what they say, dude? Do you even know what they say?

Joe: Do I know what they say?  Of course I know what they say.  The tattoo artist told me that they mean ‘Commitment issues.’

Kerry: Ha ha ha ha ha!  They so do not mean that.  Nothing on you means that.  Your back is the menu for the Wok Lin, dude.  See, right here.  “15% off with takeout order. No soup with takeout order.  No, we have not seen your cat.  Don’t ask us no more.  No cat.”

Joe: It does not say that?

Kerry: Oh it does.  It totally does, dude.  And you don’t want to know what is written on your arms.

Joe: You gotta tell me now, dude.  You gotta tell me.

Kerry: It says you are a male prostitute and gives a full price list.  Well, I guess that kind of implies commitment issues.

Joe: No way, dude.  No way.  No way. No way.  You are totally making that up, dude.  You are totally messing with me.

Kerry: Oh, yeah. Take your shirt off in Chinatown and see what happens. Come on.  Let’s head down to Chinatown right now if you don’t believe me.

Joe: You’re messing with me, dude.  Totally messing with me. You don’t even know Chinese.  How could you know Chinese?

Kerry: Of course I know Chinese.  How else could I give secrets to the Chinese when I wasn’t officially in Cambodia.  Wait a minute.  Forget I said that.

Bill: Speaking of languages, dude.  How do you expect to blend into that shanty town when you can’t even speak Spanish?

Joe: I can speak Spanish.  I can totally speak Spanish. Check this out.  Yo quiero Taco Bell, por favor, Usted.

Kerry: That did sound like Spanish.  Totally Spanish. I’m sold.  What did you say, dude?

Joe: No idea, dude.  I can speak it, but I can’t understand it.  Not a word.

Kerry: What the…?

Joe: But the illegals will be able to understand what I am saying. That’s the point. The illegals understand Spanish. As long as I don’t care what they have to say back, and, I mean, why would I?

Barack: But the point is you will be able to communicate.

Joe: Totally.  One way communication is still communication, dude.  It’s still communication. They will be able to understand me.  That’s all I am saying.

Bill: Sort of like when you have to talk to women.

Kerry: This seems totally wrong, but I don’t know enough about languages to dispute it. Cannot dispute.

Hillary: All of this nonsense aside, dudes.  All of this aside, you are forgetting one of the most important things, dudes.  The succession, dudes. Who is gonna be in charge when you leave?

Bill: Has anyone heard a thing she has said? Does anyone even care what she just said?

Joe: What?  She was talking?

Bill: No wonder she makes 23% less than that loser Kerry does.

Barack: There were sounds coming out of her, but nothing seemed to be making any sense.

Kerry: Just a constant blah blah blah.  A constant droning.  It’s all just background noise, really.  I’ve learned to ignore, dudes.  Totally ignore it.

Barack: Oh, you have to, really.  Like the ticking of a clock or when Michelle keeps saying, ‘no, no, no, not tonight, you disgust me.’

Bill: Well, totally.  You have to ignore it, dudes.  Or it will drive you mad.  Totally batty crazy.

Hillary: I hate you guys.  I hate you guys so much.

Barack: But, dude, something just hit me.  I think we are forgetting one of the most important things, dudes.  The succession.  Who is going to be in charge when we leave?

Hillary:  You did not just say that.  You suck.  You all suck.  I’m leaving.  You losers are on your own.  Have a happy catastrophe.  Merry disaster.  Can’t wait to see how this plays out.  (walks out)

Bill: Dudes, he’s right.  With both the President and the Vice President gone, it will be total chaos. Total anarchy.  The country will totally collapse.

Kerry: Isn’t that, like, already in the Constitution and stuff?

Joe: The Constitution? What? Is that even a word?  What does that mean?

Barack: I’m pretty sure it gives you more hit points.

Kerry: No, you losers.  Not that constitution.  That one that, like, John Smith and the other founding fathers and stuff wrote that gave us all our government rules and stuff.

Joe: Oh, you mean, the Declaration of Independents. Well, yeah.  That says when I get Barack out of the way, I get to be in charge.  Which means, oh….. I see.  I won’t be around to be in charge.  Didn’t consider that at all.  No considering.  I’m, like, the last link in the chain. The old end of the line, dudes.  There is no Vice-Vice President or Vice-Vice-Vice President to take over if we both kick it.

Barack: Totally.  Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln couldn’t have thought of everything, dudes, when they were, like, writing up that Declaration and stuff.  Couldn’t see the future.  Couldn’t think of everything.  I bet they never would have imagined both the President and the Vice President would be snuffed at once.

Joe: Of course not.  They didn’t plan for this.  I mean how could they?  I mean, we’re totally smart and we only thought of it a few hours ago ourselves.  How could they have thought about it like 500 years ago and stuff?  They couldn’t have known we were gonna do this.  I mean, we didn’t think of it, and we’re way smarter than that bunch of pilgrims.

Barack: Totally, dude.  I mean, why do we even care about some declaration written by a bunch of pilgrims anyway?

Kerry: Totally, dude.  Always wondered about that myself.  Why do we revere these pilgrims so much? I mean, they were crazy.  They wore belt buckles on their hats. Who does that, dude?  Who does that?

Bill: Don’t you losers know anything about history?  When they came across the ocean on the Sangria, they had to travel where there was wind cause it was one of those ships with sails.

Joe: Totally makes sense.

Barack: Yeah.  Total sense.  Had to go where the wind was.  No wind, no propulsion.  Total science, dude.

Bill: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  But that’s not the point, now quit interrupting me.  It’s incredibly rude.  But anyway, they all had a meeting with John Smith, complaining about the wind cause it kept blowing all their hats overboard and stuff.  He told them to all put belts on them.  No more blown away hats.  The man was a genius.

Kerry: Yeah right, and I bet their shoes kept falling off too?

Bill: Exactly.  I see all that money your parents wasted on private school wasn’t totally wasted, dude.  At least you know some history.

Joe: But that still doesn’t change the fact that the pilgrims didn’t leave us any replacements for when we both kick it.

Barack: Totally. Plans off, dudes.  Can’t fake our own deaths now, dude.  We leave a power vacuum like that, and Putin will swoop right in and be running things. Running the crap out of America.  We would be Russia.

Joe: Wait a minute.  Wasn’t that the plan.  Didn’t we want to be communist anyway?  Here’s our easy in.

Barack: Only if we are in charge, dudes. Don’t want to be Putin’s proles.

Bill: You losers have missed the whole point of your own discussion.

Barack: Huh?  There was a point?  What?

Bill: The point is, why does it even matter what the founding pilgrims thought?  Why does their declaration even matter? Can it even be legally binding?  Did Congress pass it into law?  I’m no history major, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t follow the proper legal channels.  Can’t be legitimate anyway.

Barack: So what are you saying, dude?

Joe: Yeah, I’m like, totally confused.  And not like the mild, baseline confusion I usually experience.  This is like, total confusion.

Bill: It’s easy.  We just have to write you up a will and name your own successors.  I’m pretty sure I’m a lawyer.  Let’s write one up really quick.

(to be continued, maybe if I feel like it)

(Barack, Joe, Bill and Kerry are in the Oval Office planning how to fake Barack’s and Joe’s deaths so they can avoid a butt kicking from Putin)

Barack: Ya, we totally have to fake our death, dude.  No other options.  Putin’s too wiley. Too full of wile.  But now that you found out anyway, we don’t have to hide out with the street rats.  We can crash at your place.

Bill: No way, dudes.  You aren’t staying with me. I don’t need you two losers scaring away all the interns. Cramping my style.

Barack: Come on, dude.  You gotta let us crash.  We got nowhere else to go.

Bill: No way, dudes.  Ya gotta make it on your own.  I don’t believe in handouts.

Barack: What?  Don’t believe in handouts. You totally believe in handouts, dude.  Handouts all around.

Bill: Well, not with my own stuff I don’t.  Not handing out my own stuff.  What do I look like?  The government?

Joe: I got it.  I got it.  I got it.  We can live with all those illegal Mexicans, dude.  Follow our gardener back to his shanty town and we can blend right in.

Kerry: Blend in?  Blend in?  How are you gonna blend in, you loser? (motioning to Barack) Now him, I can understand.

Barack: Totally.  I’m a chocolate god.  I could totally pull off an illegal Cuban or Haitian or something.

Kerry: Oh yeah, totally. Especially if you got one of those voodoo top hats and stuff.  And like a cane.  Like that dude in the James Bond movies.  And some snakes.  And some hot voodoo women sidekicks.

Barack: Not Michelle, though, right?

Kerry: Oh no.  I thought the ‘hot’ made that point clear. No, no. But you could totally be a Haitian American dude.

Bill: Well, if he were illegal, he wouldn’t really be a Haitian American.  Maybe a Haitian Unamerican?

Kerry: I don’t want to argue about semantics.  But he could totally pull it off. That is all I am saying.

Bill: But whitey over there?  He looks about as illegal as Whitewater, dude.

Kerry: Whitewater? That was totally illegal, dude.

Bill: You sure?  I’m not in prison, dude.  So I’m pretty sure it wasn’t illegal.

Kerry: You sure?  I’m pretty sure someone went to prison. Pretty sure something illegal was going on there.

Bill: I’m just saying. If it were illegal, I would have done some time.  Our justice system wouldn’t let me get away with it.  But, ok, ok, ok.  If you are gonna gripe, new metaphor.  He looks about as illegal as lying under oath.

Kerry: Totally illegal too, dude.  It’s perfidy.  Total perfidy.  Totally illegal.

Bill: I think you mean perjury, dude.  Are you illiterate?

Kerry: Illiterate?  Illiterate?  What does that mean?  Is that even a word?  Perjury?

Bill: Yeah, perjury.  And it’s not illegal if you don’t believe in the Bible, dude.

Kerry: What?

Bill: Yeah.  If you swear on the Bible to tell the truth, but you don’t believe in the Bible, then it is totally not lying, dude.  Doesn’t count.  Nice legal loophole.  Used it all the time.

Kerry: That doesn’t sound right.  Not at all. But I don’t know enough about the law to dispute it.

Barack: Me either.

Bill: Or the Bible.

Kerry: Or the Bible.

Barack: Never read that one, either.

Kerry: Can’t dispute a thing you are saying.

Joe: But you are all forgetting something.  The illegal thing you losers are forgetting about is profiling, dudes.  You’re profiling me, dudes.  What?  Just cause I’m white I can’t pass for an illegal alien?  Totally profiling, me dudes.

Bill: Never pass, dude.

Joe: Stop profiling me, dude.  Stop profiling.

Bill: You’ll get shanked five feet into the shanty town.

Joe: Stop profiling.  You’re profiling.

Bill: Bleeding out while they steal your shoes and your teeth.

Kerry: And your hair.  For their voodoo rituals, dude. They might even make you a zombie, dude.

Bill:  You wanna be the walking dead?  You’ll never pass.  You are not only white, dude.  You are ultra white. You will never pass.

Joe: Ah, ah, ah. Wait a minute.  Remember when we had that party?  Remember?  We all dressed up and watched 12 Years a Slave?  I still have some shoe polish left, dude.  Yes, yes.  I can do this.

Bill: Oh yeah.  You were pretty convincing, dude.

Joe: Yeah, you called security on me and everything.

Bill: Well, yeah, but that wasn’t cause we thought you were black.

Joe: Wait?  What?

Kerry: You kept yapping.  Throwing out spoilers.  And not even about that movie.

Barack: Totally obnoxious, dude.  I hadn’t seen Lincoln yet, dude.  How was I supposed to know he died in the end?  You totally ruined it for me.

Joe: You know, talking about Lincoln.  That movie was much more impressive when I found out it was based on a true story.

Barack: Really? Well, that kind of explains why they thought it was okay to kill off the main character.

Joe: Totally.  The first time I saw it I had to keep checking the credits to see if George R. R. Martin was the writer.

(Hillary enters)

Hillary: Hey.  What’s up guys?

Bill: Oh, we’re just helping Barack and Joe kill themselves.

Hillary: Oh, I totally want a piece of that action. I’m in.

(Bill and Kerry walking down the White House hallway.  Bill is dressed in biking shorts and a t-shirt just after his morning run)

Kerry: So let me get this straight.  It’s okay to have sex.  And it’s okay to pet a dog.  But it is not okay to pet a dog you are having sex with?

Bill: You are still not getting this. The petting is not the issue, dude. The petting is so not the issue.

Kerry: I’m confused.  I’m just thinking the dog would like getting petted, you know. Wouldn’t you like to get petted.  I know I’d like to get petted.  If I were the dog, you know.  I’m just saying.

Bill: What happened to you over in Nam?  There is seriously something wrong with your head.  This isn’t that confusing.  Not confusing. The dog shouldn’t even be there at all, dude.  No dog, dude.  No petting and no dog.

Kerry: That is why I just like to stick to mannequins, you know, like regular folk.

Bill: Regular folk?  Mannequins?  Are you serious?  You can’t be serious, dude.

Kerry: Do you mean to tell me that you are not attracted to mannequins?  You expect me to believe that?  Cause if that is what you are saying, if that is what you are saying, dude, then I’m not believing it.  You’re lying, dude.  You’re lying. You are a liar.  People have been saying that about you for years.  Didn’t want to believe it, but they are right.  You are clearly lying.

Bill: Mannequins?  Seriously? Mannequins?  Any relationship I have with a mannequin is strictly platonic, dude.

Kerry: No, no, no, no, dude.  I’m not hearing that.  You haven’t thought this through, dude.  No thinking.

Bill: Why?  Why are you interesting in dating a mannequin?  Tell me why.  Give me one good reason why.

Kerry:  One?  One?  I’ll give you more than one.  There’s billions, dude.  They’re trim and busty and flexible and nipply.

Bill: Why is that? Why are they always nipply?  Why the poky nipples?

Kerry: Cause it’s so hot, dude.  And sex sells, dude.  Totally sells.  And now you are getting me all hot and bothered.  Stop distracting me, dude.  Stop distracting me.  They don’t resist and they don’t get restraining orders against you and they don’t giggle behind their fingers when you take your pants off and quickly shoo you out of their apartment muttering something about a girl has to have her standards and they don’t point and laugh at you behind your back with their girlfriends and they don’t block you on Facebook and they don’t look like Hillary, not even in those poor people stores, and they don’t order the most expensive item on the menu and then turn their noses up at it after one bite and give it to a homeless person and you don’t have to tell them to shut up cause you are watching ice dancing and they never care if you leave the lights and the TV on and they don’t mock you for wanting to re-enact scenes from the Twilight movies and they never used to be a man and they never get headaches and they don’t talk and talk and talk and talk and they never try to escape from your basement dungeon and they don’t care if you want to bring in a few of their friends and they don’t want to cuddle, like, ever and no matter how hot they are, you can never get them pregnant and they never keep incriminating blue dresses around. Never.

Bill: Ok, Ok, Ok.  Yeah, but what if you feel like a sandwich, dude?  Or you got no clean dishes? What then?  Huh?  What then?

Kerry: Uh…..

Bill: Exactly.  See what I’m saying.  Mannequins just don’t cut it. That’s why I’m waiting for one of those Japanese robot sex maids.

Kerry: Now you got me going.  All this mannequin talk.  I’m all hot and bothered again.  I blame you for this.  Your fault.  You gotta take me window shopping now, dude. You gotta.

Bill: Window shopping?  You are such a woman.

Kerry: Of course window shopping.  It’s just like walking through the red light district in Belgium.  And you gotta distract the sales girl for me.  Just until I can sneak my babydoll into the changing rooms.

Bill: Pah, I’m not gonna do that.  I want no part of that.  No wonder Barack made you his secretary and got confused enough to bang you.

(Enter the Oval Office and see Barack and Joe in there with a shopping cart half filled with stuff)

Barack: I heard that.  I did not bang him.

Joe: You totally did.  You totally banged him.

Bill: It’s true.  You banged him.

Kerry: You banged me.  Banged me good.  Almost as good as a mannequin.

Barack: Enough. Enough.  Enough. And, dude?  Seriously? Biker shorts?  Seriously?  Do you think you can still pull that off? Doughy and pasty.

Joe: And why are you even running, dude?  It’s clearly not helping.  Why?  It’s crazy.  And the craziest thing about all you people who run, dude, is that you can choose not to.  You don’t have to run, dude.  Nothing’s chasing you, dude. Don’t have to run from the saber-tooths anymore.  Or is it saber-teeth?  Doesn’t matter.  We’re modern now. We have limos. Running is for those poor secret service schmucks who have to chase your limo.

Bill: You just haven’t experienced the runners high, dude.  No high.

Joe: Runner’s high?  Runner’s high?  Sure I have dude.  You know when I experience the runner’s high?  Every time I stop running. I get the runner’s high at the exact moment I stop running. High as a kite, dude.  And you know why?  Cause I’m not running.  You should try it.  Besides, it’s way easier to get high when you know where Barack keeps the choom stash.  I’m pretty sure we have some near the bottom of the cart here.

Kerry: Yeah, dudes, what’s with the shopping cart anyway?  Why the cart?

Barack: Oh, this. You weren’t supposed to see this.  Our security reports say that Putin is going to be coming to town any day now.

Joe: And we are pretty sure he is coming to town to kick our butts.

Kerry: He is a scary dude, dude. I wouldn’t want him to kick my butt.

Barack: Yeah.  Totally scary.  Totally, so we are doing the only logical thing.  We are gonna fake our own deaths and go live with the street rats until it all blows over.

Bill: So, it sounds to me like you are running now after all.  Who’s crazy now?

Joe: Just shut up, dude!

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

I give up on politics.  I just quit.  I’m just gonna sit back and watch the nation collapse into a debt singularity.  So I’ll just spend the last remaining years of normalcy returning to the thing I am most passionate about.  Writing greeting cards.  Here are some of my first attempts.  Let me know which you think would be the best sellers.

• I’m really excited. Now that we have cut some of that dead wood, the company can really move forward and make some profit. Happy Early Retirement!
• You know, sometimes people resolve to lose some weight, but I think you can step it up this year. Why don’t you resolve to change your entire personality? And lose some weight. Happy New Years!
• I miss you. I miss the sound of your voice. The smell of your hair. The sight of your supple breasts. It just hasn’t been the same around the house since you left and we had to get a new nanny.
• Sorry about your cat. You know, you’re not the only one suffering. It put up more of a fight than I would have expected. My arms are pretty scratched up. They weren’t kidding about that nine lives thing, but if I threw it down hard enough or dazed it good against a wall first or something, the odds of it landing on its feet were only about 50/50, so that myth is busted.
• Missing you. I haven’t seen you in forever. Why? Why did you start shutting the blinds? Love the new shower curtain, by the way, and that soft, new quilt on your bed and that purring sound you make when you sleep, dreaming of me, I don’t doubt. I dream of you. Thinking of you. Always, thinking of you.
• Unwanted sexual advances from my roommate. Playing basketball with guys with more tattoos than brain cells. Wishing there was only a fly in my food. All because you couldn’t keep your big mouth shut. In 5 to 7 years, I’m coming for you. Wishing you were here.
• I was going to get you a box of chocolates, but given recent developments, I got you a gym membership instead. Happy Valentines Day!
• Sometimes dead is better. Congrats on your husband’s life insurance payout! For a percentage I’ll keep that evidence hidden.
• I guess you are still pretty mad at me for sleeping with your wife. But, in my defense, you left her for almost a year and she was lonely. Happy Veteran’s Day.
• So we’ve been together for 10 years now, and I know we haven’t made love as much as we used to due to the kids…. and the wife. Happy Secretary’s Day!
• Dearest grandmother, I’ve been eagerly awaiting the chance to come over again and get my hands on those dark, meaty thighs and succulent, white breasts. Yours are a singular smorgasbord with which none may compare. Happy Thanksgiving!
• Worried about you. We’ve enclosed the number for the suicide hotline. Please give them a call, and don’t do anything rash on an empty stomach. You know how grumpy you get when you are hungry. We aren’t only worried about you, but also about everyone in the potential blast radius. Happy Ramadan!
• I know it is traditional to send flowers to a funeral, but I just couldn’t bear to after little Johnny ate all the poinsettias I sent you. My condolences and merry Christmas.
• Red by yellow, kill a fellow. Red by yellow a friendly fellow. I never could keep those straight. Both were such hideous fashion sense, hon. I can’t remember which one I taught little Johnny, but it was apparently wrong. And to think their biggest concern about making me scoutmaster was that I would try to seduce the little darlings. Condolences on your loss.
• Thanks for coming to our barbeque. Who knew it was bad to leave chicken salad out in the sun all day? Sorry your mom didn’t make it, but I hope you get well soon.
• I told the guys we should have sprung for the more upscale hooker for your bachelor party. Get well soon! Wait, is herpes something you can get well from?
• I just want to thank you for helping me believe in aliens again. There is no way on earth that thing is entirely human. Congratulations on your new baby!

(Barack is duct taped naked to a chair with a light in his face being interrogated by Joe, Kerry and Gore regarding the plans of him and his reptilian space alien brethren)

Joe:  You have flight 370, don’t you?  What have you done with them, you cold-blooded monsters?

Barack: Dude!  This is insane! Let me go! I am the President of the United States not some snaky space alien, you freakin’ nimrod! When did this alien thing even become a thing?

Joe: Become a thing?  Become a thing, dude?  Oh, no.  This didn’t become a thing.  This was always a thing.  Clear back to Babylon, dude.  Always.  Always a thing.  Of course, you already know that, dude.  Don’t play dumb with me, dude. You can’t out dumb a dummy, dude.  I’ll beat you every time.

Barack: I am so gonna impeach you when I get out of here.  You are so impeached, dude.  I am not a space alien.  There are no such thing as space aliens.

Gore: He makes a valid point.

Kerry: Oh I agree.  That is a good point.  I really don’t believe in space aliens either, dude.  Never believed in them. They’re not in the Bible, dude.

Joe: Don’t listen to him.  He’s gonna try and trick you up, dude.  Use his twisted alien ESP to force you to his side. Those aren’t your thoughts you’re thinking, dude.  Not your thoughts.

Kerry: But how do you know it’s even real, dude? Are space aliens even a thing? I, mean, if space aliens aren’t real, then he can’t be one, right?  It’s pure logic, dude.  Pure logic.

Joe: I defy you to find any position I have ever taken that was based upon logic.  I don’t think in logic. I only deal with reality and facts and opinions. The reptilians are real, dude. I sent you the book, dude.  I sent you the book.

Kerry: Book?  What book?

Joe: What book?  Seriously, dude?  What book?  I am not hearing this.  The Biggest Secret, dude.  The Biggest Secret.  The truth is in there, dude.  It’s all in there.  Thoroughly researched by David Ickes, only the most respected sports newscaster in the United Kingdom.  Top notch journalism, dude.  Top notch.

Kerry: That book?  I thought that was, like, a horrible novel.  Like a mockumentary type novel.  Like it was all just pretend but written like it was real.  You know, like Dreams From My Father.

Joe: Not real?  Pretend?  A mockumentary?  Seriously, dude.  A mockumentary?

Kerry: Dude, of course I thought it was a mockumentary. It read like a plot L. Ron Hubbard rejected, dude.  Like it was a plot so bad Scientologists rejected it as being too kooky to believe.  Tom Cruise was laughing at it, dude, laughing his horrid, cult-spawned midget laugh.

Joe: I can’t believe what I am hearing.  Can’t believe it.  Go to the library, dude.  Just go to the library. And where will you find the book, huh?  Where will you find it?  That’s right.  In the non-fiction section.  It’s non-fiction dude.  The librarian would know, dude. They can’t put it in the non-fiction section if it is fiction, dude.  Can’t do it.

Kerry: That’s your proof?  That’s your proof?

Joe: It’s like the law or something, dude.  Can’t put fiction in the non-fiction section.  It would be chaos, dude.  Utter chaos.  If it’s in the non-fiction section, it’s true.  Totally truth.  But quit distracting me, dude.  No more distractions. (back to Barack) So where are all those Malaysians?  What have you done with them?  Boiled them, mashed them, stuck them in a stew?

Gore: Like you even care about those Malaysians, dude. They didn’t vote for you.

Joe: Oh yeah. Ok, then what did you do with the one American passenger? Tell me!

Barack: You need to adjust your Ritalin, dude.  You’re crazy!  I’m not a space alien.  There are no space aliens, you freakin’ nimrod!  Now let me go!

Joe: Then how do you explain all of the alien abductions, then, snake-dude?  If there are no aliens, who is abducting all those people, huh, dude?  Who is abducting? Faeries? Santa Claus?  Libertarians?

Gore: The NSA…

Joe: No. It’s gotta be the aliens.  Only explanation that makes sense, that fits the facts.  We’re just fish to you, aren’t we?  Just big, tasty land bound fish.

Barack: What are you even talking about? Have you been in my Colorado stash, dude? I told you to stay out of that stash.

Joe: We’re fish, dude.  Just like fish to you.  You know.  The fish are all down there in the ocean, living their lives, oblivious that we and this land stuff even exist.  We aren’t even here, dude.  Then they are all swimming around in their schools and, whoosh, they look around.  Where’s Frank, dude?  Where’s Frank?  Frank’s gone. He was just here, but now he is not here.  Where’d Frank go, dudes?  Who knows?  Sometimes Frank comes back.  Sometimes he doesn’t.  And when he comes back, Frank has some crazy story about how some weird creatures just yanked him out of the ocean into some weird place, and he finds himself on some weird ship, and then we mess around with him and throw him back.  Abductions, dude. And no one believes Frank either.  They all think he is crazy.  Frank’s crazy, dudes.  He’s crazy.  But he’s not crazy.  He’s not the one who’s crazy.  We’re just like fish to you.  We’re all just fish.

Barack: Oh my Allah!  Dudes, untie me.  You can’t be buying this stuff, dudes.  Untie me.

Gore: Well, he does make a very interesting case.

Kerry: Totally.  He had me with the fish.  I’ve totally done that with fish, dudes.  Probed them all and everything.  Probed them good.  Sounds legit to me.  I’m with Joe here.

Barack: Oh my Allah again!  He’s given you no proof about this at all.  No proof.  You’re just believing his insane babblings.  Gahhhhhh!  Just untie me, you morons.  Someone untie me.  Untie me now!

Joe: So, it is proof you want, huh.  You want proof.  I’ll give you proof.  (whips out a paper) Look at this.  Look at it.  Don’t shy away from it.  Tell me what this is?

Barack: Uh, it’s my birth certificate.

Joe: Exactly.  The birth certificate you refused to produce for years and years and years.  Why didn’t you produce this certificate, huh?  Why? Look at it closely, you lizardy bastard.  Where does it say you were born?

Barack: Hawaii, of course.  Where I was born.  It’s a perfectly legitimate birth certificate.

Joe: Or is it a little bit too perfect?  Perfectly forged.  Admit it.  You weren’t born in Hawaii.  This should read Nevada.  Admit it.  You were hatched in a nest at Area 51.  Yes, hatched, where you maliciously clawed your way out from your egg and viciously ate all of your male hatchmates to ensure your breeding rights with all the females and gemales in your clutch.

Barack: Gemales? What the…….

Joe: Don’t play dumb.  Stupidity doesn’t suit you. You monsters have three sexes.  It’s a threesome all around, baby.

Kerry: Really? Can I be a reptilian?

Joe: Shut up, you.  (back to Barack) Admit it!  You’re in league with the Klingons, aren’t you?  Aren’t you?  Where is Michelle’s Bird of Prey?

Barack: OMA!!!!!!!!!  You are insane!  You are all insane!

Gore: Joe is very convincing.  That birth certificate does seem a little bit contrived, dude.

Kerry: Totally.  If I were an evil space alien, that’s totally like the birth certificate I’d forge for myself.  Exactly the same.

Gore: Totally.  And I never bought Hawaii.  Never bought it, dude.  He doesn’t even look Hawaiian.  Not Hawaiian at all. Can’t hula worth a darn.

Kerry: Never seen him roast a pig. Never.

Gore: Totally.  Never even seen him eat a pig.  Whenever I offer him some bacon, he’s all, like, get that unclean crap away from me, you filthy infidel.

Kerry: Dude.  I just had a thought.  About the pig, dude.  It got me thinking.  Got the wheels turning.  You think he might be Jewish, too? Like, a hideous, Jewish alien.  An unholy halfbreed? An abomination controlling all the media in the galaxy?

Gore: Oh, oh, oh, oh. It totally makes sense now.  There is nothing wrong with your television set.  Do not attempt to adjust the picture.  We are controlling transmission.

Kerry: We will control the horizontal.

Gore: We will control the vertical.

Barack: OMAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! I’m drowning in stupid!  Suffocating in stupid, dudes!  I am so not a Jewish space alien!

Joe: Stop this charade.  Just stop it. It’s unbecoming.  Right, dudes?  Am I right?  Totally unbecoming.  I’ve been watching you, dude. Watching you for years.  You are trying to make the people stupid.  First it was No Child Left Behind.  Now it is Common Core.  Now you want to dumb down the SATs.  Make Americans stupider and stupidest.  You know, it’s working.  We were twenty-ninth in math last time it was checked.  Twenty-ninth.

Gore: Interesting point.  You know who was twenty-tenth?

Joe: Not sure.  But we were behind Madagascar, for crying out loud.  Madagascar!

Kerry: What?  We got beat by those guys who do the Indy 500?

Joe: You’re darn right, we did.  We’re officially dumber than the rednecks.  His plan is working.  It’s working, dudes.  And it’s not just that. He is making us all dependent upon the government.  Can’t live without the government.  Need the government for everything.  Can’t take care of ourselves.  Just happy little sheep docilely doing what they are told.  Eat us? Fleece us?  Whatever you want.

Barack: Well, duh.  Of course.  That is the entire progressive agenda, dude.  You were in all of the meetings.  You helped plan all of this.

Joe: OMG.  OMG.   OMG. You’re right.  No.  It can’t be.   It isn’t true. It can’t be. But it must be.  There is no other explanation.  I’m a reptilian too.  I’m a filthy reptilian.  Don’t look at me!  I’m hideous!

Kerry: No, no, no, Joe. Don’t think of it that way.  You’re not really a hideous looking human being.  You’re just a really good looking space alien.

Joe: No.  It’s not real.  I’m not reptilian.  I know I’m not.  He’s in my mind.  He’s just in my mind.  He’s messing with my mind.  Okay, okay, okay.  Time to play hard ball. Time to pull out the stops.  (grabs the ends to the jumper cable attached to a battery)  Now you are going to tell me everything I want to know.

Barack: No, no, no. Stop him, dudes.  He’s crazy. Don’t let him do this.  Don’t let him do this to me.  Please.  Stop him.  Stop him. Stop him.

Joe: Who’s gonna be laughing now, huh? Who’s gonna be laughing?

Barack: No one’s laughing. Nobody’s laughing.  When was anyone laughing?  No, no, no, no. I’m not laughing.  Not laughing.

Joe: You’re gonna tell me.  You’re gonna admit everything. (He touches both clamps of the jumper cables to Barack’s nipples)

Barack: (shivering mildly) Aaaaaaah! Ooooooo!  Oh yeah.  That kind of tingles.  Wow.  Don’t’ stop.  Don’t stop.

(The battery starts smoking, explodes and bursts into flames)

Joe: What the…… Where did you find that battery?

Gore: Got it out of my Chevy Volt. You totally ruined it, dude.  You owe me.

Joe: Unbelievable! Will someone go find me a real car battery?  Somebody.  Anybody?

Bill (enters): What’s up, dudes?

Barack: Oh, thank Allah!  Untie me, Bill.  These guys have gone insane.  They think I’m some kind of evil, lizard space alien.

Bill: What?  Him?  A reptilian?  You are crazy, dudes.  He could never be a reptilian.  They only impersonate people with real influence and power who can help them attain their goals of world domination.  Mostly white folk.  Don’t you give me that look Barry.  Don’t even.  I can say stuff like that.  I was the first black President, and don’t you forget it.  And I know the reptilians, dude.  And Barry there is no reptilian.  They wouldn’t waste their time with this lame duck loser.  Putin, yes.  But this guy?  Nah.

Joe:  You serious?

Bill: Oh, totally.  They’re a really great bunch of guys.  We have a lot of the same goals in mind.  You should come to the next meeting.

Joe: Really. I’d be welcome?

Bill: Sure.  I’ll vouche for you, dude.  And make sure you stick around for the after party, dude.  OMG.  There are some recreational things they can do to you with those probes that will blow your mind. Rock your world.  Now let’s untie that loser and get hammered while I fill you in on the details.

The End

Barack: What? So you think evolution isn’t science now?  Dude, evolution is totally science.  It is the most science there is.  It’s the foundation of all science.

Gore: Aside from global warming, of course, dude.

Barack: Well, of course global warming too.  And GMOs.

Joe: And vaccines too, dude.  Don’t forget vaccines.  Don’t want to catch the autism, dude.  Don’t want to catch that.  Not catching it.

Barack: Or root rot.  Did you forget your root rot vaccine, Al?  You really should get that treated, dude. Nasty, oozy stuff, dude.  Oozing out of stumpy.

Gore: I do not have root rot, you freakin’ morons. It was wheat grass.  Just wheat grass, dudes.

Barack: But you’re distracting me, dude.  Totally distracting.  We were talking about evolution.  It’s totally science, dude.  You’ve heard of fossils, right dude?  You’ve heard of fossils?

Kerry: Fossils?  Pah.  Fossils.  Everyone is always making a big deal about fossils.  They’re just nature’s Rorschach blots, dude. Just the inkblots of nature.  You just see what you want to see, dude.  Just see what you want to see.  Like when you see scary faces and stuff in shag carpeting and textured ceilings and stuff, dude.

Joe: Or Jesus in a burrito.

Kerry: Yes, I mean, no. Not that, dude.  Not that.  Those sightings are legit, dude.  Don’t be dissing my Jesus burrito.  But like Mount Rushmore, dude.  You know Mount Rushmore?  You look up there and you see those faces, right, you can see those faces?  How did they get there, dude?  It’s a sign dude, a total sign. Only God could have known who those presidents would have been.  Only God could have seen the future and put those heads on the mount.  I bet that is even where he did his sermon, dude.  Proof of creation, dude.  Total proof.

Barack: You’re an idiot, dude.  A total idiot.  You don’t even have religion right.  But science?  We give up.  Science doesn’t even want you anymore. We don’t want you.  Consider yourself rejected by science.  People sculpted Mount Rushmore, dude.  It was sculpted.  Like a bunch of artists and stuff did that. It’s not, like, natural, dude.  Not natural. Not naturally occurring.

Kerry: As if.  Do you know how crazy you sound? You know how crazy?  Totally crazy, dude.  Like you will believe any crazy idea like Mount Rushmore was a big, conspiratorial art project.  It’s all in your head, dude.  You just believe what you want to believe.  Same thing with the fossils, dude.   It’s all in your mind.  All in your head, dude.  That’s why to me all fossils look like gay cowboys eating pudding.  And firemen.  Shirtless, blackened firemen.  Sweaty, glistening….

Joe: Dude, is that why you are banned from the Natural History Museum?  Is that why they have your picture on the wall by the register?  The one with the censor bars across the front?

Kerry: Clean up on aisle six, dude.  Totally.  They have some really great stuff in that pre-cambrian section.  I have all the photo gallery books at home.  I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it, dudes.  You need a massage, Barack?

Barack: No, I do not.  Get your freaky hands off of me.  You’re a freak, dude.  Does Theresa know about this, dude?  Does Theresa know about it?

Kerry: Oh, you know her.  She’s totally cool about it.  Buys me trilobites every anniversary and makes a little trail with them to the bedroom, dude.  You know Theresa.  She’s one of a kind.  I fell in love with her the first time I saw her father’s money.

Barack: You’re a freak, dude.  A total freak.  You’re the only one who sees erotica in the fossil record, dude.  The only one.  No one else sees it, dude.  No one else.  Everyone else sees a progressive evolution of life, dude.  They see apes turning into people, dude.  And stuff like that.

Kerry: Apes turning into people, dude.  Do you know how crazy you sound?  Monkeys turning into people.  If monkeys turned into people, then answer me this, dude.  Huh, answer me this.  Why are there still monkeys, dude?  Why are there still monkeys, then dude?   If a monkey gave birth to a human, why didn’t they just kill it dude?  It would be, like, some weak little bald hairless freak. No monkey momma would want that, dude.  And no monkey would want to mate with it, dude. Not even the desperate ugly monkeys. It would be, like, a total pariah.  Like Hillary, dude.  Just like Hillary.  Would you nail a monkey dude?  Would you nail a monkey?

Joe: Or an Asian?

Kerry: Or any other subhuman primate, really?

Gore: Well, he did bang Kerry.

Barack: I did not bang Kerry!

Joe: And Michelle.  And I saw his internet history, dude.  Chock full of Asian porn.  Or was it that Animal Planet mating stuff.  I can never tell those apart.

Barack: Oh, you are so racist.  You are such an evil, bloody racist.

Joe: Monkeys aren’t a race, dude.  They’re a species.  Like a totally different species.  Like Asians.  Or like you.

Barack: Oh, you did not just say that.  I did not just hear those words come out of your mouth. You are such a racist.

Joe: I’m not racist, dude.  The word is xenophobic.  I’m xenophobic, dude.

Barack: Xenopho..? What?  What the….?

Joe: I know your secret, dude.  I know.  It’s okay.  I’m okay with it.  I’ve always known.  I know you are a reptilian, dude.  A snaky, freaky reptilian.

Barack: What the…..

Joe: You don’t have to play dumb with us anymore, dude. I know.  We all know.  You are a blood drinking, shape-shifting, reptilian humanoid from Alpha Draconis conspiring to enslave humans and warm the planet so it is suitable for your race of cold-blooded monsters.

Barack: What the….

Joe: Don’t worry.  I’m okay with it.  Just put me in charge of the slaves or herds or whatever or make me a breeder or something.  I’ve noticed stuff, dude. You say you are all environmental and green and stuff, but oil production is up, dude. Under your watch, US oil production is like way, way up.  And every green company you invest tax money in goes bankrupt, dude.  Every one.  Every single one.  Totally bankrupt.  Does anyone else see a pattern here?  A global warming pattern.  Are you using your advanced alien technology to mess with our satellites and weather balloons too, dude?  Making us think the warming has stopped when we know it hasn’t. The models say it is warming.  The thermometers say it is not. Who you gonna believe, dude?  Who you gonna believe?  I know who I believe.  I believe in science.  Quick, Al, grab him!  Don’t let him escape!

To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it.

Joe: What’s up?  What’s up is that Al has some horrible, disease.

Gore: I do not.

Joe: Oh yeah.  Go check his trash, dude.  Check his trash. Check his trash.  He has some awful, green brackish fluids just oozing out of his orifices. Go check. Go check.  Go Check. I’ll hold him here with one of my patented anecdotes, dude.  Go Check.

(Barack runs off).

Joe: I just got back from the dental hygienist, dude.  I think she realizes she is the only one Obamacare covers.  Doesn’t have to compete anymore.  Total witch, dude.  Total witch. There is just no pleasing that woman.  I brush.  I floss, but she is just grumbling and poking me with those pointy metal sticks, grumbling about tartar.  Look at those gums bleed.  Give me those weapons and I’ll make your gums bleed too, you sadistic witch.  That never happens to me at home.  And on and on about the tartar.  Goodness, look at all that tartar.  When you eat fish and chips, you won’t even need the sauce.

Gore: I’ve always wondered that, dude.  Always wondered.  What is tartar sauce?  Is that where they get tartar sauce?  The dentist just saves all that stuff for them?  Is that the base of the sauce?

Joe: And what about sesame seeds, dude?  Where do they come from?  Have you ever seen a sesame tree?

Gore: I’m gonna go bury a Whopper and see what happens, dude.

(Barack quickly returns with the green, soaked Always).

Barack: It’s true! It’s totally true, dudes!  Look, look, look!

Joe: That’s what happens when you make love to trees, dude.  They jump, man.  The diseases jump.  The viruses mutate and jump species, dude.  You got like bark rot or something man.

Barack: Or root rot.

Joe: Or like termites, dude.  You better, like, go dip your root in pesticides or something, dude.

Gore: At least I didn’t bang a tranny.  I didn’t bang Kerry.

Joe: Totally, dude.  He banged Kerry.  He totally banged him.

Barack: How many times do we have to have this conversation, dudes? I did not bang Kerry.

Kerry: Oh you did.  You totally banged me.

Gore: But seriously, dudes.  Seriously.  I do not have root rot.  You are all a bunch of morons.  Moron.  Moron.  Moron.  Look.  Watch this, dudes.  (grabs the Always and squeezes it into his mouth).  It’s a wheat grass smoothie.  See, dudes, just a wheat grass smoothie.  That’s all it is.  A wheat grass smoothie.

Joe: Ugh, I think I’m gonna be sick, dude.  That is vile.  That is so vile.  I can’t believe you swallowed that stuff.  That stuff leaked out of your body, dude.  I’m gonna hurl.

Gore: No it didn’t, dude.  It’s just wheat grass.

Barack: That is disgusting, dude.  Totally disgusting.  Way worse than that caveman diet Michelle is forcing me to try.  Way worse.

Joe: Caveman diet?  Dude?  What even is that? A caveman diet?

Barack: I’m supposed to like, eat what cavemen would eat and stuff.  And that will make me lose weight and stuff.

Kerry: Dude, you, like, can’t do that, dude.  Of course you’d lose weight. You can’t eat like a caveman.  You see any dinosaurs, dude?  You see any dinosaurs around?  You got no food supply.  You’ll, like, totally starve to death, dude.

Barack: No, no, no.  That’s not the diet.  Of course, I can’t eat dinosaurs, dude.  Can’t eat those.  But I try and eat like the things an unfrozen caveman would eat today.  Like, tons of meat and stuff.  You know, the kinds of food that we evolved to eat.  Our natural foods, dude.  That’s what our body knows how to process best and stuff.  That’s how we evolved.

Joe: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.  Dudes.  Cavemen weren’t skinny.  What?  Are you looking for a Flintstone physique?  Last I checked, cavemen were chubby.  Totally chubby, dude. You’re already, chubby, dude.  The diet worked.

Barack: Seriously, dude?  Seriously?  The source of your information is a cartoon?  The caveman diet works, dude.  It’s, like, totally science.

Joe: Okay, okay, okay.  Let’s assume you are right for a moment and that I am wrong.  Let’s assume that cavemen were skinny and that The Flintstones, which by all accounts, was a very well researched and educational program respected among the paleo community, was wrong afterall. I would posit, dudes, that it is the caveman lifestyle not the diet that is to blame.

Barack: What the…..

Joe: Listen, listen, listen.  The caveman weren’t skinny because of what they ate, dudes.  They were skinny because of what it took just to feed themselves.  If you had to track your wild Cherry Garcia and Chunky Monkey for five days across the frozen tundra before you could eat it, you’d be skinny too.  No, you just have to call to Jeeves and have him fetch it from the freezer.   They had to be more active, dude.  They were burning more calories, dude.  Burning more calories.

Barack: That’s not the point, dude.  Not the point.  Not the point at all.  The caveman diet isn’t about exercise.  That would be the caveman workout, dude.  We’re not taking about the workout.  It is about eating the foods that our bodies evolved to eat.  It’s science, dude.  It’s totally science.

Kerry: Wait a minute.  Did I just hear you say evolution was science, dude?  That science is evolution?

To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it.

Gore: You need to make a law, dude.  I’m tired of getting all those free samples of crap in the mail.  No more free samples, dude.  Ban them.  They are pox on us, dude.  A pox on us all.

Joe: What, dude?  What?  What do you have against free samples, dude?  You are a Democrat still, right?  Aren’t you all about free stuff? And don’t even start telling me you don’t love those little boxes of free cereal that come in the Sunday paper, dude.  Don’t even tell me that.

Gore: Well, not those, dude.  Of course not those.  Those are awesome.  But everything else.  All that stuff you don’t eat.  Like last week, dude.  Last week I got a sample box of Always Maxi-pads in the mail.  And I can’t, like, just throw them away.

Joe: Totally.  You’re, like, totally green, dude. Can’t be just wasting stuff like that, man.  Gotta use it before you can recycle it, dude.

Gore: Totally. So, I’m like, obligated to use them and stuff.  Can’t throw them out.  What am I gonna do with these?  Huh?  What?  I mean, I’ve seen the commercials, but I don’t even really know what these are for, dude.

Joe: You too?  Those commercials, are, like totally vague, dude.  I don’t even know what they are talking about.  Like, I’m not the target market.  I’m not in the know.  But I want to be in the know, dude.  Want to be in the know.

Gore: Totally.  But I can’t just give them away, and I sure ain’t givin’ them to that old witch, Tipper. So, I have this big global warming presentation I have to give, and I’m like, totally nervous cause like people have been asking like really hard questions and stuff lately. Not like it was 15 years ago.  Wondering why the global ain’t hottening up anymore.

Joe: Why is the world not hottening, Mr. Gore?  Why no hottening?

Gore: Totally like that. Just like that.  So I think, I’ll try out the Always.  Can’t hurt, right, dude?  Can’t hurt.  How could it hurt?  Oh, it hurt.  That commercial, dude, is a total liar. I didn’t feel confident at all.  Didn’t feel secure.  Not secure at all.  What I felt was paranoid.  What if something happened and someone found out I was wearing this thing, dude?  Way worse than wearing dirty underwear.  Way worse, dude.  And that adhesive strip was brutal.  Tearing that thing off of me was like getting a Brazilian wax, dude.  Can’t hurt, dude?  Can’t hurt?  It totally hurt.  That was an unhappy ending, dude.  A total unhappy ending.  I can totally see why women are acting all crazy and stuff when they are wearing these things.

Kerry: Did I hear someone say happy ending?

Joe: Totally unhappy, dude.  Are you still like all swollen and stuff?  Can I see?

Gore: No, you can’t see, dude.  No you can’t see.  (to Kerry) And no happy endings from you.  Not until I heal and you finish the gender reassignment.

Joe: Why don’t you go and do some dictation or something?

Gore: But I still got all these pads and nothing to use them for.  They looked kind of like insoles, but they didn’t fit well in my shoes, but they did seem to be rather absorbent.  So I kept them around for spill cleanup.  Good thing, too, cause I knocked over my whole carafe of wheat grass smoothie.

Joe: That green, chunky, nasty stuff you’re always drinking?  That stuff is totally nasty, dude.

Gore: Totally, but the promiscuous, vegan hippy chicks totally dig it, dude.  It’s like hippy Viagra mixed with Spanish Fly ladled over oysters.  But anyway, I totally spilled it all, and the Always worked.  It cleaned it up.  Totally cleaned up.  But now I’m afraid to throw them away. The guy who sorts through the recycle bin is gonna see those and think I have some horrifying, oozing disease now.

Barack: What’s up, dudes?

To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it.