Dr. Neil is such a national treasure. I don’t know why Obama hasn’t named him the SCIENCE! Czar yet. He has many more deep science solutions than merely making computers unhackable.

• The best way to deal with global warming is to install really good air conditioners.
• The best way to halt deforestation is to make trees unhackable.
• The best way to make sure Frankenfoods are safe is to make sure not to use abnormal brains.
• The best way to stop an Ebola epidemic is to find a cure.
• The best way to increase your life expectancy is to not die.
• The best way to end racism is ethnic cleansing.
• The best way to ensure the cleanliness of our water supply is Palmolive.
• The best way to lose weight is to invent anti-gravity devices.
• The best evidence for the increase of bad weather phenomena due to carbon emissions is the increased incidence of sharknados.
• My Barbie Jeep runs entirely on electricity, why doesn’t Jeep just make a larger model?
• The best way to create the perfect society is eugenics.
• If you are ever in a falling elevator, the best way to survive is to jump just before it hits the ground.
• The best way to remove the stain of Obama’s presidency on the nation is Oxi-Clean.

(AP) – The Obama administration has issued a Christmas Day terror alert based upon the report of one of their deep cover agents. A recently extracted Verne Troyer has spent nearly a year in deep cover within the bowels of the terrorist organization. What he has to report is shocking.

“It’s like a cult,” Verne said of the fat man’s followers. “Mindless zombies. North Pole? More like North Korea. I haven’t seen such absolute devotion to a pseudo-deity since Kim Jong Un. If Sony knew what was going on up here, they’d never dare to release another Christmas movie ever again. There are posters and statues of the big man all over, usually with the caption: “He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake.” Talk about creepy. I suspect they are all brainwashed. They would have to be to follow that guy. I mean, Fidel’s beard combined with Chinese red. He’ s an unholy union of some kind.

“And the working conditions are abysmal. They are slaves, really. Work all day for no pay. Nothing but candy and cookies to eat, yet they are denied access to a dental plan or to a dentist at all, really. It’s insidious. And they are always singing, singing, singing. Happy, happy, happy. I don’t know what he has done to them, but it is sick.”

Verne was not only deeply concerned about the working conditions he uncovered but was troubled about the workings of the whole enterprise as well. “They don’t give a lick about intellectual property there at all. They’re worse than the Chinese. Hasbro, Mattel, Nintendo. They don’t care who owns the right to the toy, they’ll make and distribute their cheap knockoffs with no concern about international patent laws. I suspect that is why he relocated his enterprise to the North Pole to begin with, well outside the oversight of any regulations at all. And where does he get the money for all the raw materials? He has no income at all as far as I could tell, but his warehouses are always full. I suspect he gets his funding through an elaborate network of Christian fundamentalists, possibly the Salvation Army. Whenever you toss your change in that black kettle, you might be feeding this nightmare.”

But what has the Department of Defense on high alert is the fiendish plot Verne uncovered while he was within the belly of the beast. “I’ve learned that on Christmas Eve, that big red terrorist is going to break into every house in America and leave hundreds, maybe even thousands, of dollars worth of toys in each one. This is an act of economic terror, plain and simple. Flooding the nation with billions of dollars worth of free goods will cause a collapse of the toy industry, and the panic will surely spread across other sectors of the economy. This man has only one aim in site, the collapse of the free market and his own personal deification. He’s preparing an entire generation of children to worship him. His influence has spread to the point that it is rumored that many children are even leaving him offerings.  Mall security camera footage is filled with meetings of these prepubescent sleepers and their master, often with tears of rapture streaming down their plump, rosy cheeks.  Can violent overthrow and theocracy not be far behind?”

Chuck Hagel had this to say about the government’s response to this pending threat. “This man clearly has no respect for our borders or air space. If he were Santa Anna Claus, we would welcome him with open arms, but he is not. Our air force is on high alert, but our forces are not tested against this villain’s singular technology. Our agent reports the enemy possesses reindeer that can speak and fly, and at least one has a bright, shiny nose. And we suspect they may possess laser or perhaps nuclear capabilities as well, and it is almost certain his sleigh flies below radar coverage. Despite Verne’s best efforts, Santa’s capabilities are not fully known, but analysts are working hard to develop a counter strategy.”

The Department of Agriculture also expressed concerns about the coming threat. Tom Vilsack had the following to say. “Those reindeer are genetically modified organisms, straight up. Frankenbeasts! Without government oversight, it is hard to say exactly what he has made here or their potential hazards to the environment. I am especially concerned that those reindeer may get a little randy and start spreading their seed about. It’s quite possible we are facing a Rise of the Planet of the Reindeer situation.”

But how should we respond to this threat? Vice President Biden is encouraging that we take the following precautions. “Get your shot gun ready, build a roaring fire in the fireplace, don’t fall asleep and wait. If you hear anything suspicious, shoot through the door.”

Fred Astaire Narration: At this point in our story, children, Obama Claus was getting disheartened. He only wanted to give free gifts to everybody, but that blasted Boehner Meister Meister Boehner kept standing in his way. That grumpy old buzzard just wanted everyone to be miserable like himself. Didn’t he understand that Obama Claus was just trying to help, and the gifts were free afterall? So Obama Claus trudged back toward the village of ACORN where the elves had raised him to get advice from Tanta Kringle, but on the way, he met his penguin Topper who told him the terrible news. A couple pretending to be pimp and a prostitute had been given refuge by the elves, and to repay this kindness, they had told terrible lies about the village.  This caused the Boehner Meister Meister Boehner to secretly send General Breitbart and his elite Tea Party Guard to destroy the village of ACORN. With nowhere to go, Obama Claus wandered despondently into the wilderness, and just when he was ready to give up on his dreams, he happened upon a land where people believed the most marvelous things like, well, let’s just let them tell it themselves shall we?

Town Person 1: Increasing the minimum wage doesn’t affect the cost of labor.

Town Person 2: He didn’t build that!

Town Person 3: People will work harder for the general good than for their own self interests.

Town Person 4: Politicians are pure and noble and never act out of self interest.

Town Person 5: Central planners are always more knowledgable and efficient than the invisible hand of the free market.

Obama Claus: Yes, yes. Can these wonderful ideas really be true? Oh, wait. I’ve got one. The Boehner Meister Meister Boehner is only opposed to me because of my race.

Mister Snow: Now you are getting the hang of it my boy.

Obama Claus: But what is this place, and who are you?

Mister Snow: Well, this is the Land of Misfit Ideas, where the faulty premises of liberal fantasy are given life and substance. And as for who I am, well……(starts singing)

I’m Mister White Christmas

I’m Mister Snow

I’m Mister nose tickle

I’m Mister have some blow

Friends call me Snow Miser

All the numbers I touch

Turn to s—t in my clutch

I’m too much!

[Chorus]

He’s too much!

Mister Snow: The name’s Gruber. Snow Gruber.

Obama Claus: Wow, that was amazing! Can you teach me how to snow the public like that?

Snow Gruber: Sure, my dear boy. Absolutely. Just try some of this very special snow and look at the numbers again.

Obama Claus (snorting): I can see it now. It all makes sense. The numbers work. The cost curves are bending down. We can spend less on healthcare and cover more people at the same time. They can keep their insurance and doctors if they want to. It’s not a huge stealth tax on the middle class. It can work. It can.

Snow Gruber: That’s right. Remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it. Now, you just have to get the people to believe it too.

Obama Claus: But how? How can I do that?

Snow Gruber: That’s easy my boy. You just do this…(starts singing again)

Put one lie in front of the other

And soon you’ll be walking ‘cross the floor

Put one lie in front of the other

And soon you’ll be walking out the door

You never will get where you’re going

If you don’t get with the lies and deceit

Come on, there’s a good tail wind blowing

A loose talking man is hard to beat

Put one lie in front of the other

And soon you’ll be walking ‘cross the floor

Put one lie in front of the other

And soon you’ll be walking out the door

If you want a change of direction

If you really want to do what we believe

Well don’t trust the rubes, use deception

A good way to start is to deceive

Put one lie in front of the other

And soon you’ll be walking ‘cross the floor

Put one lie in front of the other

And soon you’ll be walking out the door

Fred Astaire Narration: So armed with several kilos of the Snow Miser’s special snow, Obama Claus returned to the town, climbed the wall and let loose a blizzard of misinformation. He gave the people the free gift of health, but once the snow wore off, the ungrateful town folk were not happy.

Town Person 1: He said I could keep my doctor. Not only am I forbidden to see my doctor, my doctor ran away and set up practice in another village.

Town Person 2: This isn’t free. It’s costing me twice what it used to.

Town Person 3: I can’t even get an appointment for 4 months.

Town Person 4: I didn’t know end of life care meant THAT.

Town Person 5: Every time I log on to the website to sign up, it crashes, yet a dozen hackers have already stolen my identity from it.

Town Person 6: We must get the Boehner Meister Meister Boehner to do something about this.

Fred Astaire Narration: So the town folk grabbed their pitchforks, and a demonstration broke out. The leaders of the mob grabbed their mandate and marched into the palace of the Beohner Meister Meister Boehner, stomping in lock step right into his bedroom. The startled mound under the bedcovers convulsed and two heads poked out from under the sheets. Turns out Obama Claus and the Boehner Meister Meister Boehner had been in bed together for quite some time, and the people were well and truly double-snowed. And that, children, is what we call politics and usual.  And none of the town folk lived happily ever after.

Obama staggers out of a Christmas party and tries to hail a cab. An oddly translucent man saunters up to him draped in gaudy gold chains and clothed in a loud Christmas sweater. He puffs his cigar contentedly and then takes a long suck on his Jello Pudding Pop.

The Cos: Hey, hey, hey, it’s Bill Cosby!

Obama: OM-Me, not again. Do I have to put up with this gosh-awful tripe every year now? So I guess this is where I am supposed to say, ‘You are just a bit of bad kibble or an undigested piece of schnauzer?’ Hey, what are YOU doing here anyway? What happened to Bob Marley? I thought this was his gig.

The Cos: He’s had some issues. First he was in hospital for smoking all the poinsettias.  Now it’s rehab and house arrest. He didn’t believe in borders, yet the states surrounding Colorado did. Got pulled over for driving and smoking a joint while black. Kids these days. No discipline. If I had done that, my father would have smacked my face clean off.  Just like with my brother Rudy when he put mashed potatoes in the bottom of his sleepers and made our momma feel ’em.  Mom, feel.  It’s a dead rat.  She fainted.  Dad didn’t faint.  Rudy had to pick his lips right off the floor.  They were quivering and crying but no sound was coming out.  Had to wash them off in the toilet.  Way better than the tub. Wash a part and then flush it right down. Wash another part, flush it right down.

Obama: Yeah, yeah.  But the water was cold and you had to use Rudy to warm it up.  I’ve heard your bits.  But, hey, homes, how are you a ghost if you’re not dead yet?

The Cos: My career is dead and rotting now, and that is close enough for spiritual work. You’re a lame enough duck now, I could put in a good word for you at the agency. How’d you like to haunt Ted Cruz?

Obama: Ted? Ew! You got to be kidding me. Now, Penelope…..

The Cos: Sure, take that attitude. You think you are on top of the world. You think you’ll never come down. Look at me. Look at what I have been reduced to. I thought I was a shoo in for that Noah movie last year, but no. Apparently my interpretation of the classic tale is no longer relevant. And now with all the rumors flying around about me lately, I need any paying gig I can get. I can’t even get a cameo in the BET movie of the week. A & E won’t let me play myself in my own Where Are They Now show. These rumors are the chains that are dangling all around me now, weighing me down. You can never escape your past.

Obama: Oh, I thought you just liked bling. Trying to look young and hip, yo.

The Cos: Like Michelle and her turnip rap? Yeah, that was a real epic success. But, no, my brother, these are the chains I have forged in life, and you’ve got a lot of this ugly bling waiting for you too unless you shape up.

Obama: Yeah I know. Three spirits are coming. Blah, blah, blah. Teach me a lesson. Blah, blah, blah. I don’t need these spirits, homes. Tiny Tim – Obamacare. Bob Cratchett – higher minimum wages and unions. Giving money to charity – no need, I pay my taxes. I’m all covered in the good deed department, bro. All you spirits are just a waste of my time.

The Cos: So arrogant and yet so ignorant. The first spirit will visit you when the clock strikes one.

Obama: I don’t have time for this. I have a 6 AM tee time. Can’t you just pester Joe this year?

The Cos: Can’t.  He’s busy.  He was already cast in the role of the Christmas fruit cake.

Obama: Ok, Nancy then? Her rictus will scare those spirits right back.

The Cos: I’m pretty sure she’s been cast as the Spirit of Christmas Yet to Come this year.  She was the spitting image.  And get this.  She’s is paying for the privilege.  For some reason the old bat thought she had to sign the contract so she could find out what was in it.

Obama: Cripes. I knew I should have written that executive order banning all Christmas Carol adaptations after last year’s fiasco.

The Cos: Well, you didn’t, and you might as well proclaim an end to gravity cause we’d be coming for you anyway. And since you are going to be busy for the next few hours, would you mind if I visited Michelle. I can get out my Jello Pudding Pop….and the sucking….and the licking….and the hey, hey, hey.

Obama: Dude! She’s not an intern! And you are not Bill Clinton!

The Cos: No, no, no. You don’t understand. This is exactly how all those rumors get started. It’s not a euphemism. I really need for her to like this Jello Pudding Pop. All I have left are my Jello royalties. You got to get me a meet with Michelle. Gotta get Jello pudding into the foundation level of the new Food Pyramid. Get it on the school lunch menu every day. You gotta help a brother out, homes. I need the money.

Obama: No way, bro. Like I’m gonna do you a solid when you’re dumping this spirit crap on me? End this nonsense and we’ll talk.

The Cos: No can do. If this doesn’t turn you into a God-fearing, Christmas loving Christian, then I don’t get my bonus. Come on. Help a brother out.

Obama: Unbelievable! The gall! Taxi!!!

The Cos: You really think a taxi is gonna stop for you at this time of night? Really? Midnight Christmas day?

Obama pulls out his cell phone.

The Cos: You think you can call someone to save you? No one can save you. The ghosts are coming. You can’t escape from them. Your friends can’t pick you up. I know for a fact all your friends are plotzed right now. No one is gonna come for you. Who you gonna call?

********************************

Dr. Egon Spengler (dropping four containment units at Obama’s feet): So we have the Cos and three Christmas ghosts, so that’s $80,000 plus the extra $15,000 for after hours holiday work.

Venkman: And Cos slimed me.

Spengler: Thank you for reminding me, Dr. Venkman. And an additional $10,000 fee on account of Venkman got slimed.

Obama: That’s not slime. (Scrapes some slime off Venkman with his finger and licks it up). That’s Jello pudding. Mmmmmmm. Pistachio.

Spengler: Nonetheless.  Still slimy.  Gonna count it.

Venkman: Pistachio. I’m allergic to nuts! Airways closing. Room going dark. Mother.  Mother is that you?  Come here. Come here so I can touch you before I leave…..

Spengler: And that is an additional $25,000 for hazard pay then. You didn’t warn us about the nuts. Pretty sure that is a labeling requirement.

Venkman: We should sue him.

Obama: No, I don’t think there will be any charges for this. You do know who I am, right? And you’ve heard of this little agency called the IRS……..

In an interveiw with People magazine, Obama has shared some of the devastating racism he has experienced in his life.  I got my hands on an advance look at the article, and here are some of the examples of racism he has observed in his life first hand.

• None of the local butchers sell ground Shi Tzu or his favorite guilty pleasure corn-weiner-dogs.
• While he was campaigning, a citizen once asked him who his favorite rap artist was.
• For his own safety, the Secret Service would make him sit in the back of the bus while they threw his former friends and associates under it.
• Angela Merkel asked him if he new of a good Ethiopian restaurant in DC.
• His new Wii U didn’t have a default mulatto skin tone built in for his Mii.
• Harvard admitted him.
• In his Junior High School presentation of Freaks the Musical, the part of the albino was given to that weird, white kid with the pink eyes instead of him.
• He was denied admission to Cheyney University because he didn’t meet their purity requirements.
• Joe Biden keeps confusing him with the help.
• At a Hollywood fundraiser, he was once mistaken for Jay Pharoah.  The real Jay Pharoah was moonlighting as the valet.
• It’s okay for Nancy Reagan to consult an astrologist, but if Michelle reads goat entrials just once……
• The only way to make his black coffee tolerable is to add white powder and white liquid to it.
• It was unacceptable to fill out his Scantron test sheets using black ink.
• Robert Byrd never invited him to any of his rallies.
• When given a choice at school lunch, kids preferntially choose the chocolate milk.
• He was always picked last for basketball, certainly due to his white ancestry.
• He often heard his girlfriend make hushed remarks to her friends such as, “Well, THAT stereotype is certainly a myth.”
• His SAT vocabulary prep book included the word ‘niggardly’, misspelled ‘def’ and had incorrect definitions for ‘stupid’ and ‘bad.’
• While growing up in Hawaii, he was constantly hassled by the man for smoking doobies while black.
• Natural dark chocolate just wasn’t good enough.  Europeans had to invent a white variety.
• His grandmother took him to see Song of the South. He didn’t like it, and he didn’t inhale, though he was seen humming Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah for days.
• He was required to read Huck Finn in High School English.
• Sickle cell anemia.

Obama made the following proclamation from the green of the 13^th hole this morning:

This nation has experienced a severe trauma. I and everyone I know are still reeling from the one-two sucker punch of the Wilson and Garner affairs. I know that I am strong enough to carry on, but I fear that most of the nation is too distraught to make good, wise decisions. Even the elite students at such esteemed universities as Columbia and Harvard are too overwhelmed by the outcomes to carry on with their studies and must have their finals delayed. And this is just schoolwork. What of those of us who must cope with the realities of real life? As I said, I am strong enough to cope, but most I know are not. As chief executive, I feel that it is my duty to ensure that no one makes decisions regarding the future of this great nation if they are not mentally and emotionally whole. We do not want the course of this nation to be altered unnecessarily by these tragedies. We have learned from history how emotions and anger can lead us into unwise paths such as the Iraq and Afghan wars. I cannot allow such wanton decisions to occur in the future. Consequently, by executive order I am hereby delaying all congressional sessions until such time as I feel the Senators and Representatives are of sound mind and body. All future federal elections will be postponed until I deem the American people sufficiently healed from these events to make a wise decision regarding who would be fit to replace me. I will humbly serve as head of the legislative and executive branches until it becomes clear to me that my sacrifice is no longer necessary, no matter how long it may take. So let it be written. So let it be done.

For those of you who think the passage of the Cromnibus Spending Bill is a stab in the back, you probably don’t know the half of it. The enormous bill has lots of other infuriating little goodies tucked away in it. Here are some of the other things hidden in the Cromnibus Bill:

• For census purposes, Republicans now only count as 2/3 of a person.
• The CBO will now be required to perform all their budget calculations using Common Core math techniques. All work must be shown.
• Not that Kind of Girl will now be required reading in Junior High School English courses.
• In all federal buildings, Republicans will now enjoy separate but unequal facilities.
• Just to be safe, all Republicans named Barry will be assumed rapists and sentenced accordingly.
• Just to be extra safe, within 100 miles of all college campuses, all fraternities will be banned, all Greek restaurants will be banned, all math and science books will be edited to remove all Greek letters, and the study of Greek plays or philosophy is right out.
• In addition to providing funding to pay social security benefits to illegal immigrants, as a matter of reparation for past abuse, rich white folks will be required to clean their houses and mow their lawns.
• Republicans will be required to curb their carbon emissions by suffocation.
• The nearest Republican is required to be Obama’s footstool whenever he wants to reach something from the top shelf.
• On December 16, 2014, the IRS will officially end its auditing of Tea Party members, and the Tea Party members will be bound and hurled into the Boston harbor.
• Ted Cruz was given the official position of Federal Court Jester.
• All black conservatives will be required to wear the scarlet letters “T-O-M.”
• Mount Rushmore and the entirety of the sacred black hills lands along with all extant improvements and resources will be restored to their rightful tribal owner, Elizabeth Warren.
• Saul Alinsky is granted the posthumous title of St. Saul.
• Mandatory sterilization for lowlifes and undesirables, colloquially known as ‘bitter-clingers.’
• Congressional Republicans officially pre-vote ‘Aye’ in support of all Obama’s executive orders.

I’ve been watching the Gruber testimony so you don’t have to.  Here are some of the interesting revalations that have come out:

• Jon Gruber isn’t his real name. The name on his original birth certificate is Jon Goebbels.
• Michelle also paid him to lie about the benefits of her school lunch program, and she paid him off in Hostess stock.
• He originally got involved with designing healthcare plans because he was disappointed that MIT’s plan didn’t cover essential services like Viagara and Columbian prostitutes.
• Much like the case with Elizabeth Warren, he was originally hired at MIT because he claimed to be 1/32 lesbian on his father’s side. His only proof, which was accepted unquestioningly, was his Indigo Girls collection. He had both band members in near mint condition displayed in his cellar.
• On the weekends and holidays, he routinely entertains himself by pushing the wheelchair bound elderly off cliffs.  He also likes to dress up as a doctor, sneak into an abortion clinic and see how many procedures he can complete before getting caught.  His buddy Gosnell used to get a kick out of it and let him take home trophies.
• After viewing Michael Moore’s movie about healthcare, he went to Cuba for some elective surgery. The care there was so exceptional, one can barely see the lobotomy scars or the burn scars on his nipples left by the leads from the car battery.
• Upon close examination, the model he used to predict lower healthcare costs under Obamacare was the same as the model used to generate the global warming hockey stick, only he turned the output upside down.
• He finally admitted that his favorite film of all time is Logans’ Run, except the ending ruined it.
• In addition to being obsessed with healthcare, he is also obsessed with finding the perfect recipe for Soylent Green. The files in his office contained his recipes for Soylent White, Soylent Black, Soylent Yellow, Soylent Red, Soylent Swarthy and Soylent Diverse. A note in the margins indicated that Soylent Diverse was best if it contained no White at all.
• The UN commissioned him to devise a similar healthcare plan to ‘take care’ of Israel.

President Obama made the following proclomation from the green on the 11th hole this morning:

After a careful reevaluation of the grand jury transcripts of the Wilson case, I have decided that body cameras for police officers will not go far enough to accurately document what occurs in situations such as this. The evidence presented during the grand jury clearly exonerated Officer Wilson, and I am not sure that a body camera mounted on Officer Wilson would have changed that result. This is clearly not acceptable. Eye witness accounts were discredited merely because they contradicted with all of the known physical evidence.  Doesn’t it just feel wrong that all these voices are disenfrachised merely because they ran afoul of reality?  This is just not right.  I think it is important for the victims to have their video voice heard. Consequently, by executive order I will be mandating that officers not be allowed to wear body cameras at all, since any body cameras on ‘the man’ would be inherently racist and unreliable and recording the events from the white perspective, as we have seen with the grand jury evidence. Instead, all black teens or criminals will be required to wear body cameras at all times. I have already contracted with Industrial Light and Magic to handle the editing of all feeds from these cameras, and Harvey Weinstein, Spike Lee and Aaron Sorkin have kindly agreed to oversee the process to ensure that a truthful narrative will always come forward and the problems encountered in Ferguson will be relegated to our authorized history.

All hail me, and long live the narrative.

I’ve gone ahead and read the Benghazi investigation so you don’t have to, and the Executive Summary doesn’t really reflect some interesting findings couched in the body of the report. Here are a few surprises from the report you probably haven’t heard about from the media:

• The video that caused the spontaneous protest was actually An Inconvenient Truth.
• The biggest reason the White House/media couldn’t get the proper narrative out was the fact that Ambassador Stevens wasn’t an African American killed by a racist.
• The primary cause of the intelligence failure was the severe lack of leadership in the administration who possessed any intelligence.
• Obama mistakenly directed his drone response to Benghazi Road in Auckland New Zealand. He blamed the autofill feature of Google Maps.
• During the entire duration of the incident, Obama thought he was just participating in his staff’s biweekly Call of Duty tournament. Unless he is lying, he came in eighth place, a personal best.
• Obama was unable to deal with the situation in real time because he needed a good night’s sleep. He had a 6:30 tee time before his fundraiser.
• What irked Obama most about the attack was that he had to leave his September 11 party early to deal with it.
• In a backroom deal, Hillary agreed to receive payola from Morrissey and Johnny Marr each time she said “What difference does it make” during the Congressional hearings.  She would have also received payment for referring to either Obama or Stevens as “The Boy With the Thorn in his Side” or simply saying that “Some Girls are Bigger than Others.”
• After the third recess during her testimony before the Congressional hearings, Hillary Clinton was capably played by her stunt double, Ginger the trained orangutan.
• Ambassador Stevens’ requests for additional security were largely ignored because State Department personnel were pretty sure there were no terrorists in Lebanon, New Hampshire named Ben Ghazi.
• For some reason the report contained a list of names, addresses, social security numbers, bank account numbers and 1040s for all known Tea Party members.

President Obama has a lot of things to be thankful for this year.  Here are just a few.

• He is exempt from ACA.
• Thanks to the Ferguson riots, he now has a new community to organize.
• The grim, looming specter of President Biden is still oddly comforting, like a warm, safe security blanket.
• Thanks to his Hollywood connections, his semi-autobiographical screenplay for The Parent Trap 2* has been green lit.
• The stupidity of the American journalist.
• Thanks to the fine print in his executive amnesty, it doesn’t matter anymore that he was born in Kenya.
• ISIS hasn’t beheaded any African Americans yet, so he didn’t have to fake outrage at them for their racism.
• Michelle isn’t in charge of the Thanksgiving menu this year.
• Due to some savvy lawyering, he was permitted to remain alive even though Satan officially took possession of his soul in 2008.
• His kids don’t have to attend a public school using Common Core.
• He was told he could be a judge when the War on Women had their bikini carwash fundraiser for the 2016 elections.
• He’s still popular among African Americans.
• Frank J has been too busy to mock him for a few weeks.
• There are plenty of plump, little doggies at the pound.
• The millions of new Latin citizens are already used to obeying tyrannical dictators posing as Presidents.
• SCIENCE!**
• And of course, he is most thankful for President Obama. No matter how bad things seem, just imagine how much worse it would be for him if he were not in charge.

*The twins, played by Lindsay Lohan, meet up in rehab while they are both pregnant and then they work together to reconcile each other to their respective baby-daddies (played by Barack), who happens to be the same man, their pimp/dealer, and who also has no idea there are two of them.

**SCIENCE! is a trademark of the political left and is only recognized as valid if it forwards the progressive agenda. All else is not truly SCIENCE! For further information regarding acceptable SCIENCE! please see theministryoftruth.gov.

(Barack, Lois Lerner, Eric Holder, Joe Biden and Jon Gruber are seated around the table)

Michelle: (enters carrying the turkey) And here is the center of the meal, the roast tofurkey. I remember reading of how my ancestors used to hunt the wild tofurkey in the plains of the Serengeti.

Barack: Ingrid and that fake indian lady aren’t with us this year, so you don’t have to pretend the meal is wild and vegan. Michelle: Oh. Great. Forget that then. This is real turkey. You know the one that Barack pardoned yesterday? This is it.

Barack: The turkeys were all slated to go to the homeless shelter, so I selected the tastiest looking one and pardoned it just for us.

Michelle: Why should the homeless people get the best one? They should be grateful to get anything at all, right?

All: Hear, hear.

Joe: A toast! To those of us that aren’t homeless! (He reaches for his glass of milk and knocks it over on the table)

Michelle: Oh, Joe. I told you you weren’t ready for the big boy glasses yet. This is why you still use the sippy cups. Can you hand me over some napkins, please?

Holder: Hey. These napkins have excerpts from the Constitution on them.

Barack: They aren’t excerpts.

Holder: You mean? No!

Barack: Yes.

Holder: You made napkins from the Constitution?

Barack: Yes.

Holder: The real Constitution?

Barack: Yes! That’s the original, baby. It’s not like we need it anymore.  One more barrier I broke through.

Holder: Let’s see what part I have here. All legislative Powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress….

Barack: No, no, no. Wait a minute. That’s not right. All of Article I was supposed to be made into toilet paper.

Michelle: Ok, that mess is mopped up now.

Barack: Let’s get started then. I’ll say grace. All hail me. And by executive order, none of this food has any calories. Dig in.

Michelle: We have a tradition. We like to have everyone at the table say something they are thankful for.

Joe: Me first. Me first.

Barack: Ok, Joe. What are you thankful for?

Joe: Um, I don’t know. What was the question again?

Michelle: Why don’t you start Lois?

Joe: No, no, no. I’m ready now. I am thankful for my big brain. I invented something that will make me lots of money. You know fruit leather? Why do they only make it out of fruit? Fruit is all girly. We need fruit leather for men. Here. Try these. There is pork fruit leather and buffalo wing fruit leather and omelet fruit leather.

Barack: Omelets aren’t man food.

Joe: Yes they is.

Barack: No they aren’t.

Joe: It’s my invention, so I get to say. Try them. I made them myself. It is really easy. I just left them under my bed until they got soft and them smashed them with a rolling pin and then dried them on the roof. (eating them) Good, huh?

(Collective retching)

Gruber: I am thankful that I did not put any of that in my mouth yet.

Michelle (trying not to retch): And how about you, Lois. What are you thankful for this year?

Lois: I’m thankful for a really talented IT expert.

Holder: Lois, you just have to give the number of your IT guy. No matter how many times I delete that fast and furious stuff, some brainiac is able to recover everything.

Lois: I’ll e-mail you his contact info.

Holder: No. Don’t e-mail it. No trails.

Lois: No worries. He’s got me covered. He’s brilliant. He’s the same guy that hacked Sheryl Attkinsson’s computer.

Gruber: While we are on the topic of IT, that reminds me. It seems we may have been found out a little bit, and the voters aren’t quite as stupid as we had supposed. I have a way to change that. We just need Lois’s IT guy to hack into eharmony, dateaclown.com, farmersonly.com, onceyouhadblack.com.

Joe: LOLcats.com is my favorite.

Barack: He is talking about dating sites, Joe.

Joe: I know that. Honeybunny.com is a good one too if you like furries and stuff. I will hug it and hug it and pet it and pet it and call it George.

Gruber: Geez, you’re as stupid as the voters. And you are getting off topic. I’m not talking about furries…

Holder: We get it. You can’t get a date. No one is stupid enough to go out with you, so you have an algorithm aim all the hotties to your profile. I want in on that action too.

Joe: Me too. George hasn’t moved for days now no matter how much I hug her and pet her.

Gruber: Gads. Am I the only non-stupid person here? This isn’t about getting me dates.

Holder: Oh come on. Do you really expect us to believe that? How long have we all known each other? Decades? Does anyone remember him having a date in that entire time?

(All mumble and shake their heads)

Holder: You really expect us to believe that this isn’t some elaborate scheme just to finally lose your virginity?

Gruber: Gads! How many times do I have to tell you guys I’m not a virgin!

Joe: Farm animals don’t count, you know. The website says so.

Gruber: AAAAAAH! This is not about getting me dates. This is about making more stupid people.

Barack: A girl would have to be pretty stupid to date you. You sure that isn’t really what is going on here? Sounds to me like you are covering something up. Sounds like the lies you told me about MeCare.

Gruber: Ok, just listen to me for a minute, OK, without interrupting me. I read last week that over 1/3 of all marriages last year were the result of online dating websites. People like them. They trust them. We need to control the websites so we can control who meets up and who breeds. We need to breed more stupidity into the American population so we can snow them more easily.

Barack: And get you more dates.

Gruber: No, that has nothing to do with it.

Barack: It’s ok. You can admit it to us. We won’t tell the public about it.

Gruber: No, you can’t tell the public anything about this. You can’t let them know we are breeding them to be sheep.

Joe: Breeding with sheep doesn’t work. I already tried that. No wooly babies.

Gruber: Try and see what I am saying here. We hack into the websites and insert this algorithm I wrote that controls who gets matched up. We use the dating websites so that Republicans and smart people don’t get paired up with anyone. Only Democrats and stupid people get smiles and winks and messages or whatever. We are effectively sterilizing those who oppose us.

Joe: Yea! I get lots of dates now.

Barack: Oh, oh, oh. I see. But I can do you one better. We don’t pair up the smart people and Republicans with nobody. We pair them up with psycho killers. After one date, bam, they’re a statistic, an ex-voter. And we all know who the dead vote for.

Holder: It’ll never work. No one wants to date a psycho killer. When their interests include making a human skin suit from my ex-girlfriends, they’ll never meet up.

Barack: Oh, I hadn’t thought of that. Even Gruber isn’t that desperate.

Gruber: Hey!

Michelle (laughing suddenly): Oh wait. You remember that prank Nancy played on Gruber?

Gruber: We were supposed to never speak of that.

Michelle: No, no, wait. It’s relevant. We have to. She made that fake profile for Ashley Madison with a photo she scanned of that hot blonde that came in her picture frame. And then she used it to flirt with Gruber until he fell in love with her and just had to meet her.

Barack: Oh yeah. I remember that. Gruber even made that little Ashley doll out of playdoh and smooched it when he thought we couldn’t see him.

Gruber: Hey, if the real Ashley kissed half as well as that doll….

Michelle: And then when they arranged to have a real life date, Nancy dropped off that pig with lipstick at the restaurant with the Ashley name tag.

Barack: Ha ha ha ha. We totally need to pull that video after the pie. Your expression was priceless, Gruby. It’s a good thing MeCare covers your mental health issues.

Michelle: Because he sure doesn’t need the birth control coverage.

Joe: Burn!

Michelle: And I can’t believe you tried to take the pig home with you.

Gruber: Shut up, guys. I was gonna slaughter it for bacon.

Barack: And the pig refused to go with you.

Gruber: I said shut up, guys.

Michelle: No means no. But the reason I was bringing this up is we can do the same thing here. We set up fake profiles with hotties and then when date time shows up, send in Hannibal the Cannibal or whoever. Even if they escape from him, they’ll be too traumatized to date again, let alone reproduce. Lois, you gotta get your IT guy in on this.

Lois: I’ll give him a call. I like this plan way better than auditing them anyway. I can torture them for real before I off them. Can you set me up with Ted Cruz first? I like eating Mexican. How long do you figure it will take to get this up and running? And how many do you calculate we can ‘permanently audit’ in the first year.

Gruber: Oh, I don’t know. I can’t do math in my head.

Lois: Here’s a paper and pen.

Gruber: I can’t do math on paper.

Lois: Here, use my laptop.

Gruber: I can’t do math with a computer.

Barack: Who cares? We can make up the numbers later. If they don’t add up, I can executive order them into submission. It’s good to be the king. Football time!

Joe: Can we watch the Redskins? Please. They’re the home team.

Barack: I can’t believe you said that, Joe. You are such a racist. We’re gonna watch the Vikings versus the Cowboys. Hmmmmm. I wonder if I could use an executive order to force the Redskins to change their name. I could get behind calling them the Washington Crackers. No. I’ve got it. The Washington Rednecks. Go get me a pen and some paper Joe. Emperor Obama has a proclamation to write.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Of course it is perfectly safe, Joe. Every component of the mix is FDA approved. It’s like what I tell the kids when I lecture at the junior high schools, trust the government. Bureaucrats know science best. If it is over the counter, use it to your heart’s content. It is 100% safe and effective.

Joe: Well, if you say so. You know science.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Oh my Darwin, what is that hideous smell?

Barack: It smells like sulfur and burning excrement! Marx be praised! Lucifer? Are you back Lucifer?

Joe: Sorry, that’s just me. Michelle’s treats are really working me over. They taste like foot fungus.

Barack: And you should know. You pretty much live with your feet in your mouth.

Al: That is so vile, Joe. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Don’t you ever think about the environment? You know, methane is a worse greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide.

Joe: You can’t expect me to hold it in forever. Not even you can do that, St. Al.

Al: Oh yeah? Why do you think I walk around like I have a stick up my butt?

Joe: Because you really have a…..Oh, that is so gross.

Al: No sacrifice is too big for mother earth. I use a regulation hockey stick for symbolic reasons, but any stick will do.  Come outside with me. I saw some nice branches out there.

Joe: (runs away) No, no, no, no, no. no!

(the door bell rings)

Barack: (Opens the door to see Ingrid Newkirk of PETA once again nude with the flank steak, prime rib, etc. locations drawn on herself) I see once again you have come as Sandra Fluke’s free birth control.

Ingrid: I’m a cow. Marked for the slaughter.

Joe: (runs out the open door) No, no, no, no, no!

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Joe, come back. You haven’t tried the Coke and Pop Rocks yet. Barry, can you get the secret service to drag him back here?

Al: I’d like that too. (brandishing a large, knobby birch branch)

Barack: (speaking into his walkie talkie) Lenny has slain the rabbit. I repeat, Lenny has slain the rabbit. Apprehend.

Ingrid: (brandishing her buckets of red paint) You speak of rabbitcide? Where is this Lenny? I will blood him!

Barack: No, no, no. That is just code talk. It means Joe has run away again. Michelle, can you come here for a moment? Please show Ingrid to your nice vegetarian hors d’oeuvres.

Ingrid: (Lopes over to the food table, leaps atop it, crawls down its length, sniffing, always sniffing) Oh yes. This will do. This will do. (Grabs handfuls of food, dips them in her red paint and gulps them down)

Joe: (two secret service agents drag him back in): No, no, no, no, no!

Barack: Calm down, Joe. We made Al put the stick away. You are ok. No stick.

Joe: No stick?

Barack: No stick.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: We just want you to eat the Pop Rocks and Coke. You like Pop Rocks and Coke.

Joe: I do. I like Pop Rocks and Coke.

Ingrid (Shrieks. She is squatting on the food table, her lips and teeth a smear of blood, her fingers dripping red): Mister Howdy says you are going to die tonight.

Barack: Lucifer? Is that you Lucifer? Come back. You know I can’t quit you.

Ingrid: No Lucifer. Mister Howdy. Die tonight. All die.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: She’s just high on paint fumes. Ignore her, Joe. Eat it Joe. Do it.

Ingrid: Yes. Eat it, Joe. Mister Howdy wants you to eat it.

Joe: (eats the Pop Rocks and Coke……

Scene: The White House Halloween Party. There is a ring at the door.

Barack opens the door. Al Gore is standing there. A wire with a red rubber ball attached to it is jutting from his forehead, and two wires with blue rubber balls are jutting from the back of his head.

Barack: Oh, that is just precious. Let’s see, balls orbiting an inflated gaseous mass? You’re the solar system, right? You might be a few planets shy, I think, but science never was my forte.

Gore: I am not the solar system. I am the most frightening thing there is. A carbon dioxide molecule. See, a carbon and two oxygens.

Barack: Ooooo, scary. I can feel it getting warmer in here already.

Gore: And I know there are more than three planets. Discounting Pluto, I’m pretty sure there are six, counting the moon.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: (Saunters up wearing khakis, a button down plaid shirt done all the way up to his neck and a cardigan) Hey, great solar system outfit, Al. Very accurate.

Gore: I am not the solar system. I’m CO₂.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: I think you are a few balls short.

Gore: No. One carbon ball and two oxygen balls. CO₂.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: I wasn’t talking about your costume. Rim shot.

Barack: Good one. I heard Tipper took them in the divorce.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: I heard that too, but, hey, did you hear this one? During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the US National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ballpoint pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1 million US. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil. True story.

Barack: I’m pretty sure I heard that one on that Cosmos show. But, hey. Nice science nerd outfit.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: I’m not a science nerd. I’m a Christian, so frightening in their ignorance.

Barack: All bitter and clingy like a bad ex.

(doorbell rings)

Barack: (Opens door to see a nude Barney Frank) Good lord, man. Put some clothes on. Are you that drunk already?

Barney: Oh, no, no, no. This is my costume. I’m Adam. And my cute, firm little intern was supposed to come as Steve. Have you seen Stevie? Stevie? Fwanky is hewe now. Stevie? I have some fowbidden fwuit for you to taste. Excuse me, but I must find Stevie. Hey, Al. Nice solar system outfit.

Gore: I’m CO₂.

Barney: Whatever, I just wish I had all those balls dangling about my face. That’s what I’m being next year. Stevie! Where are you Stevie?

Neil Degrasse Tyson: That reminds me. Have you heard this one? If you go to a nude beach, you have to be very careful because you can catch crabs just from sunbathing. The beach is the crabs’ natural habitat, and they thrive there. True story. It’s science. My wife caught crabs that way at least three times.

Barack: No kidding.

(doorbell rings)

Barack: (Opens the door to see Debbie Wasserman Schultz dressed in a dog costume) Great bitch outfit!

Al: Or are you supposed to be Hillary?

Debbie: I am not a bitch!

All: (laughing uproariously)

Debbie: OK, maybe I am, but I’m not dressed as a bitch. Can’t you see? I’m Scooby Doo.

Barack: Well, whatever you are, you are making me incredibly hungry. You look absolutely delicious.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: While we are on the topic of food, did you hear this one. If you eat Pop Rocks and then drink a Coke, you will explode. True story. It’s science.

Barack: I’d heard about that, but never knew if it was true.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Of course it’s true.  It’s easy enough to prove. Just need a test subject….

Barack: Let’s get Joe. Yes Joe. Joe will do it. He’ll do anything. We can tell him it is the new, hip drug craze. Tell him Justin Beiber is doing it.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: And the good thing about those new drug crazes, they are all done using over the counter stuff. Approved by FDA. It’s all perfectly safe. FDA said so. True story. It’s science.

(Suddenly everyone is startled by a hideous retching sound. Looking toward the sound, it is Nancy Pelosi gyrating wildly and vomiting what appears to be pea green soup.)

Barack: Ahhhhh! It’s just like The Exorcist! Look at that hideous, twisted face! She is possessed! Is there a witch doctor in the house? Is there a witch doctor in the house.

Nancy: No, no, I’m not possessed.

Barack: But your face?

Nancy: That’s just my latest Botox injections settling in.

Barack: But the vomit from hell!

Nancy: I just couldn’t keep down Michelle’s ‘healthy’ hors d’oeuvres.

Barack: What even are those things? Saccharin-sprinkled turnip puffs? Parsnip dip with tofu chips?

Nancy: Careful, I’m going to be sick again. (vomits again, and her head spins all the way around and around spewing vomit like a rainbird)

Barack: She is possessed! She is possessed!

Nancy: E plurbus unum. Caveate emptor.

Barack: Is that Latin? What is she saying? Is there a linguist in the house?

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Back away, foolish believers. This is a job for science.

Nancy: (In a deep, evil sounding voice) Science. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Science. What do you know of science? You are no scientist. You are a science reporter.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Blasphemy!

Al: Don’t listen to it. It is trying to mess with your head.

Nancy: Tell me of your personal research, scientist. Tell me.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: No! I have none. I have none.

Barack: Wait a minute. I recognize that voice. Lucifer? Is that you ?

Nancy: No. we are legion.

Barack: You can’t fool me, Lucy, my boy. You stood me up last week. We had a meeting scheduled.  What’s up, dude?

Al: Lucifer, sir, while you are here, I’d like to talk to you about something very important. All the brimstone and burning and stuff down there in Hell is putting out a lot of greenhouse gases. Have you considered switching to a greener alternative? Here, watch this video and we can talk later. I can sell you some carbon credits if you would prefer.

Nancy: You! What are you? You have no soul! No soul! You are not human! That robotic, soulless freak is way too creepy even for me. I’m out of here. Later dudes. Have the old crone back.

Barack: Wait, wait. We still need to make the deal about retaining control of the Senate.

Nancy: Even my power has its limits. Besides, you sold your soul a long time ago, dude. And sorry about the vomit. But those hors d’oeuvres were vile.

Barack: No, come back. Lucifer come back. He’s gone. All is lost.

Nancy: Where am I?  What happened? Bill better not have roofied me again.

(door bell rings)

Barack: Sasha, can you get that?

Sasha: (Opens door. It’s a group of trick or treaters. Sasha reaches into each child’s bag and removes a handful of candy for herself) You know, at some point you have enough candy. (she closes the door on the shocked children)

Barack: That’s my girl.

Since we all know that terrorism is about US foreign policy and nothing else, the attacks in Canada are quite baffling.  What could be the explanation?  I’m pretty sure the real reason is some combination of these:

• To artificially inflate maple syrup prices. The Prime Minister and Big Maple are ultimately behind it.
• If I hear someone say ‘aboot’ one more time, I might snap too.
• The mullets made them do it.
• The border between Canada and the US was so porous it appeared invisible, and the terrorists thought they were in America.
• Canadian beards don’t give off that ‘insane and fanatical’ vibe they jihadiss are looking for.
• ‘Hoser’ means something very different in Arabic.
• The Lumberjack Song violated the Quran.
• The South Park Movie finally made it to Syria, and the terrorists thought it was a documentary.
• Due to an autocorrect error, ISIS ended up texting all its members to read The Protocols of the Elders of Ottawa.
• They got mad when they took their daughters down to the government health clinic only to find that female genital mutilation wasn’t covered in Canada.
• Due to a typographical error, an e-mail sent to all ISIS cells called for death to the Yews.
• They were too scared to come to America to attack due to the way the Obama administration has bungled that whole ebola thing.
• Despite Canada’s liberal marriage laws, the jihadis were still forbidden from wedding their goats.
• They meant to target America, but their maps were as medieval as their world view.
• It was righteous vengeance for the unholy thrashing the Canadians meted out to the Turkish hockey team.
• It was just recompense for Canada’s interference during the Iran Hostage Crisis.
• It was just recompense for Celine Dion and Sarah Maclachlan.