Maddow: We have another special MSNBC exclusive for you today. Edward Snowden is live in the studio with us.

Matthews: Well, it’s not really Edward Snowden, but it might as well be. We have Benedict Cumberbatch with us today. He’s not Edward Snowden, but he played him on TV.

Cumberbatch: Well, I think you may be mistaken. We really aren’t talking about Edward Snowden. I never played Edward Snowden. I believe you mean Julian Assange, and I didn’t play him on TV. It was a major motion picture.

Maddow: Well, I don’t want to contradict you, but I did see the trailer on TV.

Matthews: And I only saw the bit-torrent release of the film, also on my TV, though I did fall asleep pretty quickly, so…

Maddow: Did anyone actually see the film in the theaters?

Matthews: Regardless, lesson learned, Mr. Cumbersnatch.

Cumberbatch: That’s Cumberbatch.

Matthews: Cumberbatch, then. But the lesson remains the same. Don’t lock horns with the crack investigative staff at MSNBC. You won’t win.

Maddow: Exactly. All the facts and opinions we share are impeccably sourced, vetted, checked and double-checked.

Cumberbatch: I stand corrected, sir and madam.

Maddow: Don’t be sexist.

Matthews: But anyway, Mr. Cumberbund is…

Cumberbatch: That is Cumberbatch.

Matthews: Isn’t that what I said?

Cumberbatch: No. You said Cumberbund.

Matthews: Hey, James. In the control room. Yes, can you roll back the teleprompter a bit? Well, the teleprompter clearly says ‘Cumberbund.’ Are you sure you have your name right?

Maddow: We never make factual errors at MSNBC.

Cumberbatch: Well, it really doesn’t matter at this point. Why don’t you just call me Ben. Much easier that way.

Matthews: OK, Benji…

Cumberbatch: No, not Benji. My name is not Benjamin. It is Benedict. Please just call me Ben.

Maddow: Ok, Edward. If I may…

Cumberbatch: No, I am not Edward Snowden. I didn’t even play Edward Snowden. It was Julian Assange. But I get that a lot. I do get confused for Julian quite often actually. NSA employees piss on me when they pass me on the street, and I get a lot of e-mails from women begging for surprise sex. It’s really very, very queer, actually.

Maddow: Don’t be a homophobe.

Matthews: But why don’t we get on to why you are here, Julian. Not to steal your thunder, but, like most celebrities, you have some very important information to share with us.

Cumberbatch: Why, yes I do, actually. As I said, I get confused with Mr. Assange rather frequently when I am out and about. I met Julian once. My portrayal of him was so superlative, shall we say, that he got confused and thought that I was he and gave me access to all of his stolen information.

Matthews: Really? Fascinating.

Maddow: Rather fortuitous.

Cumberbatch: Yes, yes, it was. And I was browsing through the surveillance videos he’d acquired, mostly Julian’s surprise sex tapes, as one might expect, I happened upon some that were much more interesting. I have here security footage of the assault upon the US Embassy in Benghazi. Footage from many different cameras placed both within and without the embassy. When I saw this, I knew I was on to something.

Maddow: You aren’t kidding. We’ve seen the footage ourselves, and it is really incredible.

Matthews: We ran it past the White House, and they are livid. They don’t want this footage to get out.

Maddow: Absolutely not. Now that the Benghazi report is done and behind them, they just want this issue to go away. But, we never let the White House dictate our agenda. We’ve been making them livid a lot lately.

Matthews: Why don’t we just roll the tape and let the truth speak for itself.  Video evidence is always reliable and incontrovertible.  But be warned.  The video does get a bit graphic and some viewers may find it offensive.

Cumberbatch: Hopefully not offensive enough to riot over.

Matthews (laughing): Indeed.  Roll the tape, please.

(Video begins. Shows robed people milling about the outskirts of the embassy.)

Maddow: So what is it we are looking at here?

Matthews: It looks like regular Lebanese people just going about their daily business.

Cumberbatch: I think you mean Libyan people.

Matthews: Preposterous. Are you suggesting people bused a bunch of Libyans into Lebanon for this? Why?  There are plenty of natives around.

Maddow (whispering to Cumberbatch): I thought you got all the extras from the Home Depot parking lot.

Cumberbatch (whispers back): Shhhhhhh.

Matthews: Oh, wait. Here is where things start to get interesting. Look, look.

(Video shows a handful of people in black cowls spreading among the people showing them something on their cellphones.)

Maddow: Can anyone make out what those people are showing the peaceful Lebanese citizens? Is there a better camera angle? Yes, there it is. You see that?

Matthews: Yes, yes. It is the Youtube video.

(Footage shows the people seeing the Youtube video getting angrier and angrier and beginning to riot at what they saw)

Maddow: They were right. They were right all along. It was a spontaneous protest that sprang up around that video!

Cumberbatch: Spontaneous? Really? It isn’t spontaneous. It is being caused. What do we know about those people in the black cowls?

Maddow: Are you sure you are a celebrity? That was smashing insight.

Matthews: Is there a camera angle that gives us a better look at the black cowled folks? (camera zooms to the shadowed face of a cowled individual.  It appears to be Cumberbatch in disguise) Yes, yes, I can see something beneath the cowl. Is that a huge nose? And a yamaka? And those weird, curly side burn thingies?

Maddow: Yes, I believe you are right. Those are Zionists straight up.

Matthews: Quite possibly the Mossad. This is a manufactured protest.

Maddow: I think everyone owes Susan Rice a big apology.

Matthews: Let’s cut to the scene from within the embassy.

(Video switches to show Cumberbatch made up to look like Ambassador Stevens on his phone at his desk inside the embassy)

Matthews: I know we are looking at the late Ambassador Stevens, but he bears a striking resemblance to you, Eddie-Baby.  May I call you Eddie-Baby?

Cumberbatch: No, you may not call me Eddie-Baby.  It is Ben. And yes, my resemblance to the late Ambassador, a hero, really, has been noted before. When my family first saw his photograph on the news, they called me up to make sure I was still alive. (laughs) Of course I was. And, of course, as an actor, I practice the art of the chameleon, taking on the appearance of the one I am trying to imitate. People can find it confusing. I’m very proud of the fact that I never use makeup to affect my transformations. Just impeccable and precise control of my musculature. Smaug, you know? No makeup or effects at all. That was just me acting.

Maddow: Fascinating, really.

Matthews: I think we are all just grateful that you use your power for good rather than evil.  But let’s get back to the video, shall we? Ambassador Stevens appears to be talking.

Stevens: No, no. Do not send in troops to deal with the protestors. They are innocent pawns. The Zionists are long gone now. No. No. I understand my life is in danger. I will not have the lives of innocent Lebanese on my hands. I don’t know that their endgame is, but if there is a massacre here, the Zionists win.

(There is a banging at the door, the door rattles on its hinges and is finally kicked in. Cumberbatch made up to look like President Obama in military garb bursts into the room)

Obama: Quick, Ambassador. We have to get you out of here now!

Matthews: I have never realized how much you look like President Obama before either.

Cumberbatch: I do have one of those faces. (laughs)

Obama: Hurry! We need to go now!

Sinister Voice: Say your prayers, pardner!

Obama: That Wyoming accent. It can only be….

(There is a gunshot from behind Obama. Stevens crumples to the floor. Cumberbatch made up to look like Dick Cheney enters the room. He is covered from head to toe with mewling babies with only his face visible.)

Obama: No! You’ve shot the Ambassador!

Cheney: Reach for the sky, pilgrim. Don’t try anything funny. I’ve no qualms about shooting my friends in the face. I sure ain’t got no qualms about peggin’ you, and I’m packin’ more than birdshot on this fine day.

Obama (begins to raise his gun)

Cheney: Uh uh uh.  Drop it. Nice and easy like. You can’t take me out without killing some innocent Palestinian babies. CNN would lap that right up. Leading a horse to water is a waste of time, but you can lead a reporter to a pile of dung and make them eat all day long and into the night. Shoot, they’d be beggin’ to eat it.

Obama: OK, OK. You win. (lowers gun with one hand while quickly flipping a needle toward Cheney with his other. The needle finds its mark in Cheney’s neck. Cheney drops to the floor, clutching his chest.)

Cheney: No. Not another heart attack. Not now.

Obama: Potassium chloride. I’m always prepared for the likes of you.

Cheney’s walkie talkie (Cumberbatch’s voice imitating a woman’s voice erupts from the walkie talkie): Big Dick? Big Dick? Are you there? Answer me Big Dick.

Obama: That voice. I’d recognize it anywhere. I hear it every day. That is Sharyl Attkisson of CBS News. (picks up walkie talkie) Sharyl. Let me be perfectly clear. The Big Dick is flaccid… and I’m coming for you. (crushes walkie talkie beneath his boot)

Stevens (weakly): No. No. You mustn’t. No one must know.

Obama: Can you stand? Let’s get you to a medic.

Stevens: It’s too late for me. Promise me. Promise me.

Obama: Anything.

Stevens: No one must know CBS was involved. The Americans’ trust in the media is at an all time low. This will crush it. Destroy the media. Only Fox will endure.  We must not let that happen.  The media is too important. It must survive. Without it….Your agenda…..

Obama: But what should I tell them?

Stevens: It was the video. It was all about the video. Promise me…..

(footage ends)

Maddow: Powerful stuff.

Matthews: Riveting, and no less factual than many historical dramas we have seen over the past few decades.

Maddow: And if you ever needed a reason to ignore Attkisson’s book about the stonewalling Obama administration, this is clearly all the reason you need. But it’s time for a commercial break. After the break, we will discuss what we have just seen with Sharyl Attkisson herself (promo screen shows Cumberbatch made up to look like Sharyl Attkisson waving at the camera). Stay tuned.

Reporter: Mr. President, there has been mounting criticism from the right questioning the idea you proposed to fund free community college by taxing 529 college savings accounts. How would you respond to these criticisms?

Obama: Well, um, let me be, um…perfectly….clear…um……

Reporter: Mr. President?

Obama (staring away vacantly)

Edward James Obama (standing before a classroom of high school students): You are all about to embark upon a grand experiment. Your other teachers believe it can’t be done. The administration thinks I am wasting all of our time. Even some of your parents want to have you transferred out of this class, but I won’t allow it. Because I have faith in me.

Jerome: Um, I think I may be in the wrong class. Is this AP Calculus?

Edward James Obama: You bet my sweet bippy this is AP Calculus. The School Board wanted to cancel this class. They didn’t think it could be done.

Tracy: I’m confused. They’ve been teaching calculus here for decades. Why would they want to cancel it now?

Edward James Obama: Because of all the naysayers out there who are convinced you will fail.

Dyson: But why would we fail? We’re the brightest bunch of students in the school.

Edward James Obama: Because this isn’t just calculus. This is common core calculus. I will be deconstructing all the math you know and starting from scratch, so you can learn it better. I will personally guarantee with common core leading the way, you will all get a 5 on your AP test, period.

Student: Yeah!

Cut Scene for obligatory math-teaching montage

Edward James Obama: I’m going to have to teach you common core math right from the basics through to calculus, so let’s start with the basics. Can someone come up to the board and do this addition problem for me. 47 + 39.

Harold: No need to come up to the board. 86.

Edward James Obama: Yeah, but if that even is the right answer, how did you come up with it?

Harold: Added it up.

Edward James Obama: But how?

Harold: 7 + 9 is 16. Carry the one plus 4 plus 3 is 8, so 86. Did this smack in kindergarten.

Edward James Obama: What? That didn’t make any sense at all. Did anyone follow that?  Do you even know why you carried the one?

Harold: Because the 1 in the tens place had to be added to the other digits in the tens place. Simple math, really. But the beauty of it is, once you learn how to do it, it doesn’t matter if you know why it works. You’ll still get the right answer. That’s all most people need.

Edward James Obama: No, no, no. I can’t even follow you. That makes no sense at all.

Harold: Have you even taught math before?

Edward James Obama: Doesn’t matter. Common core is such a superior method, anyone can teach it.

Tracy: Even my mom? She was considering homeschooling.

Edward James Obama: Well, not homeschooling, of course. Anyone teaching in public schools, I mean. But the first thing you all need to do is forget everything you know about math. If you are having trouble with that, I have an electro-shock machine in my office. Any takers? No? Ok, then. Let me show you how to add and subtract with a confusing array of boxes and arrows.  See, you do this and this and this and move these boxes over here and you count everything up and you get your answer.  47 + 39 = 67.

Jermone: But the real answer is 86.

Tracy: Yeah.

Edward James Obama: 86? 67? Like I always tell the CBO.  It’s right if it gives me the answer I want. Don’t ever forget that lesson, class, in math or in life.

Cut Scene

Edward James Obama: Here’s what I want you to do next. Harold, come up to the board. I want you to draw me three parallel lines that all intersect.

Harold: What? That’s impossible.

Students ( murmuring agreement)

Edward James Obama: Nothing is impossible if you believe in me.

Dyson: Parallel lines do not intersect by definition. What you have asked for can’t be done by definition.

Edward James Obama: Oh ye of little faith. They told me it was impossible to bend the healthcare cost curve down, but I did it. They said it was impossible to cover millions more people with health insurance while bringing the costs of healthcare down, but I did it. Here. Watch this. (begins drawing on chalkboard)

Fade as the hours pass

Edward James Obama: Ok, how about this one then.

Harold: No, those still aren’t three intersecting parallel lines. Nothing you have drawn is even close. It is not possible to draw.

Edward James Obama: Do you agree with him class? We are not leaving until that chalkboard is portraying three intersecting parallel lines.

Jerome: That looks like three intersecting parallel lines to me.

Dyson: Me too.

Tracy: Yep.

Edward James Obama: See, Harold. See. You just have to open yourself up to common core and let loose your preconceived notions. Everything is relative, including math.

Harold: But that is not three intersecting parallel lines.

Jerome (whispering): Dude, let it go. I’m freaking famished.

Cut Scene

Edward James Obama: Ok, so who can tell me the answer? What is the integral of 3x²+4x? Remember, build upon your foundation of squares, arrows, haybails and buckshot.

Harold: x³ + 2x² + C

Edward James Obama: No, no, no. You have to show your work.

Harold: But that is the right answer. It’s an easy one.

Edward James Obama: That may be, but math is more about the journey than the answer. Remember, it’s like I tell the CBO all the time. There is no right or wrong in math, only right or left. Let me demonstrate again how to perform the integral according to common core. Ok, everyone, mount your donkeys and release the doves. Tracy, let loose the rattlers. The first one to get bucked off your spooked donkey count the number of doves that have been killed but only within that set of trapezoids and use that array of arrow boxes……

Cut Scene

Edward James Obama: It’s been a long, hard road. But I am proud of you. Each and every one of you. The test is tomorrow, and I am expecting great things. Get a good sleep and don’t forget your number 2 pencils, your donkeys or your doves. You won’t be allowed to share.

Tracy: We got you something, Mr. O. It’s not a Nobel Prize, but….

Edward James Obama (opening gift): Awww, it’s a tie. On the front is a donkey with my face on it. And on the back, the rear end of the donkey, also with my face on it.

Jerome: Harold picked it out.

Harold: That’s because anytime I see a jack ass, I can’t help but think of you and the common core.

Edward James Obama: I’ll cherish it forever. Now everyone go home and get some sleep.

Cut Scene

Edward James Obama: I have the test scores, and I am delighted except for one of you. Everyone passed except for you Harold. Ones across the board and then your big fat 5.

Harold: Excuse me, sir. But 5 is the high score. Ones are failing.

Edward James Obama: Really. No.

Jerome: You mean we all failed?

Harold: Not me. I ignored all his BS and taught myself from my dad’s old textbook.

Edward James Obama: Impossible. That smacks of home schooling which is impossible. I am still really disappointed in the rest of you.

Tracy: It wasn’t our fault. They wouldn’t let us bring in our donkeys or doves into the test.

Dyson: Yeah. They said no livestock of any kind.

Jerome: But you promised us we would all pass if we did what you said. You gave us your personal guarantee. Period.

Edward James Obama: And if you believed that, why don’t you try and make an appointment with your doctor. For a more detailed study of that topic, I’d recommend the AP Political Science class from Dr. Gruber.

Tracy: You know, I kind of hate math now. Instead of engineering, maybe I’ll go into constitutional law. Mr. O, will I need to deal with livestock in common core law school?

Edward James Obama: Of course not. Don’t be silly. Most legal decisions are based upon a series of wet T-shirt competitions. I’d hit the gym if I were you, though. A little too doughy around the middle to be really successful.

Jerome: But we failed. I’ve never failed before. What are we gonna do about this now?

Edward James Obama: Haven’t you heard that I’m gonna give you all free community college now? That is a good option.

Harold: Thanks, but no. I’ve saved enough in my 529 account to cover my costs. I’m off to Yale.

Edward James Obama (draping his arm across Harold’s shoulders): Did I fail to mention how we are gonna fund their free community college? Success like yours really isn’t something we can let you get away with…..

Reporter: Sir? Sir?

Obama: Let me be clear. Education is vitally important for us as a nation, and I would question the patriotism of anyone who feels it is inappropriate for those who are well off to share their resources to provide education opportunities for the less well off. There is a wall between the haves and the have-nots in this country, and I say to the GOP, tear down that wall.

(Somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: You are probably wondering why I have gathered you all together. ISIS Corporate is requiring we all undergo “How to Prevent a Hostile Work Environment” training. It’s a legal thing. We have to do it. I’ll try and make this as quick and painless as possible.

Galid: Wait a minute. I’m confused. You give us these guns and tell us to pillage. Are we not supposed to be hostile?

All (murmuring, and nodding yes)

Corporate HR Imam: I know this may be difficult to understand, but a hostile working environment often has nothing to do with hostility whatsoever.

Ali: So are we supposed to be hostile or not?

Ahmed: I do not think the villagers would fear us if we did not behave with the utmost hostility.

Corporate HR Imam: That is not what I am talking about. Of course you must be hostile while you rape and pillage. It is about how we treat each other. It is about creating an environment in the workplace where everyone can always feel emotionally safe and secure.

Ahmed: Is that not why we have guards and guns?

Ali: And anti-tank weapons and Stingers, Allah be praised?

Galid: I’m still confused.

Corporate HR Imam: Let me try and explain. A safe and secure work environment is one in which no one ever says or does or portrays anything that anyone else might consider offensive in any way. Does that make sense?

(silence)

Corporate HR Imam: Can anyone think of an example of something that others might find offensive?

Galid: Cartoons insulting the Prophet!

All (shooting into the air and ululating)

Corporate HR Imam: Yes. Good. I can see how some people might find that offensive. So if we encountered something like that in the workplace, what should we do?

All (shooting and ululating): Behead those who insult the Prophet! Death to the enemies of Allah!

Corporate HR Imam: I can see how we might want to react in that way. But if we see something offensive in the workplace, the correct thing to do would be to bring it up to your immediate superior or HR representative, and after a thorough investigation, we will behead the offenders. Can anyone think of some more examples of things that may be offensive?

Ali: Americans!

Ahmed: Jews!

Galid: BLTs!

Ali: Flatulence!

Habib: Hairy men who refuse to wax themselves!

Galid: Homosexuals!

Habib: Oh, yeah. That was what I meant. Homosexuals!

Ali: Freedom!

Habib: Woman suffrage!

Galid: What?  Why are we to be offended by the suffering of women?  I do not understand this.

Habib: No, no.  Not woman suffering.  Woman suffrage.  It is when women cause you to suffer.

Corporate HR Imam: Yes. Good. All very offensive things. I’m glad you brought up women. Apparently we have been receiving a lot of complaints and bad coverage in the press about the way we have been treating women. I’ve been instructed to address sexual harassment specifically.

Habib: Who has been complaining? Show me to these woman. Where Habib is concerned, no woman would complain. Line them up. I will satisfy them all. Those rumors are false. 72 virgins are not enough for me. They are but an appetizer to the great feast that is Habib.

Corporate HR Imam: That’s not what I meant. Sexual harassment has nothing to do about your performance. It has to do with doing or saying things in the workplace that make others feel uncomfortable in a sexual way.

Galid: You mean like we should use pillows instead of the hard ground?

Habib: Or I could wear kneepads.

Corporate HR Imam: No. It has nothing to do with physical comfort. It is about making them ‘feel’ uncomfortable. Can anyone give me an example of sexual harassment?

Ahmed: Me! Me! I know. When you are making sweet, sweet love to your lady friend and some guy tries to lure it away with a big juicy carrot.

Corporate HR Imam: Annoying, yes. But not what I am looking for.

Habib: Oh! I have one, Allah be praised.  This happened to me.  When you are in the airport x-ray machine and all the TSA agents loudly point and jeer at you.

Corporate HR Imam: Well, yes, actually. That is a correct example. I would have also accepted when a fat broad does not wear a burka. Now why is that harassment? What is wrong about that behavior?

Habib (ululating ragefully and firing gun into sky): It is wrong because I was longing for the sweet, sweet touch of the cavity search. Death to the infidel TSA! Death to the USA! Death to the friendly skies!

Corporate HR Imam: No, that is not what I was getting at.

Habib: But it has been so long since I have felt like a real woman.

Corporate HR Imam: Huh? What?

Habib: I mean, death to the homosexual!

Corporate HR Imam:  No, you are not getting it.  It is wrong because they were making fun of you in a sexual manner, and it made you feel uncomfortable and maybe a little violated.

Habib: Violated? I wish. Uncomfortable? You bet. The unfulfilled promise of a strip search? Spent the whole flight squirming in my seat, Allah spit upon them. Once I finally landed I had to sneak into a bathhouse…um, no.  Not a bathhouse. I mean a petting zoo.

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, this is getting us nowhere. Let’s try another example. Here, let’s watch this video and then discuss what was inappropriate about the behavior of the people in the video. (starts video)

(TV Screen shows two women in a break room refilling their coffee mugs)

Margaret: Wow, Julie! Is that a new dress? It really shows off your figure. You look really sexy. I’d like to see that dress on my bedroom floor.

Julie (looks at Margaret uncomfortably): Thanks, I guess…

Ali (to the TV screen, drooling): I have seen the ankle of the infidel. What are those mounds on her chest, like the decapitated heads of two bald men peeping out at me?

Ahmed: Back away! She is mine! I saw her first! (rushes toward TV fumbling with his belt)

Habib: No, no, no. Wait. Was that woman dressed like a lumberjack hitting on that other woman in the sexy dress? What is this unholy filth you are causing us to view, Allah curse it?

Galid: Stone her! (throwing stone at TV)

Corporate HR Imam: No, no. It is only a video.

Ali: That never stopped us before. Stone it! Stone it!

All (chanting): Stone it! Stone it! Stone it! (hurl stones at it until the TV is obliterated)

Corporate HR Imam: That was our only television!  We’re in the freaking desert you idiots!  The IT guy is gonna whip me again.

Habib: Can I go next?

Corporate HR Imam: OMA! What were you all thinking?

Ahmed: When it comes to following the dictates of Allah, there is no thinking, his blessing and light shine upon us.

Corporate HR Imam: Well, if we can’t watch the video, we’re probably going to have to role play some things. Prepare yourself.

Habib: Can I play Julie?

Corporate HR Imam: You know what? I’m just going to skip to the next section. Let’s talk about another kind of sexual harassment: quid pro quo. Can anyone tell me what quid pro quo harassment is?

(silence)

Corporate HR Imam: Quid pro quo harassment occurs when benefits or advantages in the workplace are offered or withheld based upon whether or not a request for sexual favors is accepted.

Habib: Wait a minute. What is a sexual favor?

Ali: That’s easy. It’s like when you ask the ugly chick to do you a favor and keep her burka on so you can pretend she is someone else.

Corporate HR Imam: No, that’s not really….

Ahmed: Then is it when you loan your bro your goat as a favor?

Corporate HR Imam: No…

Ali: Is it when you use a condom even when you really don’t want to?

Ahmed: Or when your pretty cousin finally says, “Ok, but just this once.”

Habib: Or when she…

Corporate HR Imam: No. Stop guessing and just listen to me. A sexual favor is any kind of sexual interaction that is offered. Doesn’t matter what it is. Any kind of sexual interaction whatsoever. Can anyone think of an example of quid pro quo of harassment?

Ahmed: When you tell the villager that if he lets you ravish his wife and daughters you will not also ravish his sons and chop off his hands.

Corporate HR Imam: Not what I was looking for.

Ali: Oh, I know. I know. It is like when Allah promises martyrs will get 72 virgins.

Corporate HR Imam: No….well, I guess that is kind of like quid pro quo. Martyrs are given sexual favors for a job well done, and if they don’t do the job…..no sweet, sweet virgins.

Ali: And Allah is the most uppermost management there is. Are we not supposed to be walking in the footsteps of Allah?

Galid: I am still confused.

Habib: So we are supposed to sexually harass?

Ahmed: Yes! To the village!

Ali: To the village!

All (run off guns blazing and throats ululating)

Corporate HR Imam: Whatever. I give up. I’ll just forge their training records.

Despite Obama’s hissy fit about Netanyahu’s visit, Kerry has been working around the clock brainstorming ways to get Israel and Iran to empathize with each other and make nice. Here’s his list:

• Schedule Netanyahu and Ahmadinejad for the next episode of Wife Swap.
• Sponsor a Peter, Paul and Mary concert during a peace summit at Camp David.  Distribute hammers for audience participation. The delegation with the most men left standing after the hammer song gets their demands met.
• Get them to agree to settle their differences with a winner-take-all sailboarding competition.
• Invite both delegations to Theresa’s place for the annual Heinz Pork Chop Cook off.
• Figure out how to say ‘reset’ in Hebrew and whatever language Iranians babble in.
• Convince the Iranians that denying the Holocaust is just as bad as denying global warming.
• Hezbollah gets custody of Jerusalem Monday through Wednesday and every other weekend.
• Slyly let the Ayatollah in on his suspicion that Obama is the hidden imam.
• Threaten to cut Israel’s nuclear weapons in half to see who wants them the most.
• Get them both to just agree that both genders should be circumcised.
• Tell them if they don’t start getting along with each other, Obama is going to get very cross.
• Have they tried Xanax?
• Convince the Iranians that using nuclear weapons against Israel will only produce a race of super powerful Jewish mutants.
• Return the region to pre-1 AD borders and let Rome deal with it.

Reporter:  Do you have anything you would like to say about the bipartisan support for the latest abortion bill?  Sir?

Obama (staring vacantly)

Deep Voiced Announcer: Coming to theaters as soon as it is politically expedient– Taken 4.

Fade

Obama: (dimly lit and speaking into a cellphone): I don’t know who you are.  I don’t know what you want.

Cut Scene

(Obama and Joe in the Oval Office)

Obama: Don’t lie to me, Joe.  John Kerry and James Taylor aren’t really in France anymore are they? Joe….

Joe: No. No they aren’t.

Obama: Joe.  Joe, look at me.  Where are they, Joe?  Don’t lie to me again.

Joe: Kerry is taking James Taylor’s particular brand of hippy music on a peace concert tour throughout the Middle East.  They could change the world, sir.

Obama: Fools!  Imbeciles!  Where are they, Joe?

Joe: They were starting the tour in Lebanon.  Don’t worry.  They are at the US embassy there in Benghazi.  There is no place safer.

Obama: The fools!  The naïve fools!  The world is more dangerous than they imagine.  There are more videos on Youtube than just one, Joe.  Many more.  And you can never predict when another will start a firestorm.

Cut Scene

Obama: (dimly lit and speaking into a cellphone): If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money since I’m $17 trillion in debt, and can’t raise the debt ceiling for a few more months…

Cut Scene

Kerry (listening on cellphone under bed)

Obama’s voice through cellphone: John.  Listen to me John. You are going to be taken.  When they come for you, and they will come for you, you will have about 10 seconds.  Those seconds are crucial.  Tell me everything you see.  Any little detail.

Kerry (whimpers and cries into cellphone)

Cut Scene

Obama: (dimly lit and speaking into a cellphone): But what I do have are a very particular set of skills.

Cut Scene

(Obama and Joe in the Oval Office playing a tape)

From the tape, Kerry’s tear-drenched voice amid the chaos: Green.  I see green.  And a crescent.  And red hair.  And goat.  I smell goat. Why do I smell goat? (screams)

Kerry’s voice is cut off and replaced by another: Allahu akbar. (click)

Joe: A green crescent.  What does that mean?

Obama: Red horseshoes.  Blue clovers.  Green crescents?  That’s one o’ me lucky charms, me laddie.

Joe: You mean?  They were taken by Leprechauns?

Obama: I’m afraid we have an Irish problem.

Joe: But ‘Allahu akbar?”  What does that even mean?

Obama: How should I know?  I don’t speak Irish.  But I aim to find out.

Cut Scene

Obama: (dimly lit and speaking into a cellphone): Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

Cut Scene

Dark figure with a funny hat: The tall, gangly effeminate one is clearly a eunuch. He will be perfect to guard our haram.

Second dark figure with a funnier hat (laughs) : Boko Haram’s harem.

Dark figure with a funny hat (laughs):  Very good.  Yes.  And the aging hippy we will sell. (Strokes James Taylor’s fringe hair and sniffs it) Cat Stevens will pay much for this one.

Cut Scene

Obama: (dimly lit and speaking into a cellphone): If you let my secretary of state go now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you…

Cut Scene

(Obama and Joe in the Oval Office huddled around Obama’s laptop)

Joe: But why are you hacking into Healthcare.gov?

Obama: It’s the least secure website in the world.  Anything we need to know about the terrorists we can get from this site.

Joe: But only Americans enrolled with Healthcare.gov…Oh.

Obama: So, your eyes are opened now.  Yes.  The only real terrorists are American.  They will be in there.

Cut Scene

Obama: (dimly lit and speaking into a cellphone): I will not look for you, I will not pursue you.

Cut Scene

James Taylor (weakly, with a death rattle): Take….care…Boko Haram…they are not…as they seem…

Cut Scene

Deep Voiced Announcer: First they took his daughter…

Obama (yelling into cellphone driving a car being fiercely pursued): Joe. Boko Haram.

Deep Voiced Announcer: Then they took his wife…

Joe: Yes? Barack?  What is it?

Deep Voiced Announcer: But now they’ve taken the whole world hostage.

Obama: Boko Haram is a front, Joe.  Puppets on strings.  They are controlled by papists.  All the terrorists in the world are dancing upon papist strings.  They are all false flag operations.  All of them.  Even the nutjobs blaming Israel are controlled by the papists.  Wheels within wheels.  They made Piss Christ, Joe.  The papists.  They made it themselves just to give themselves a reason to be outraged.  We mustn’t let them usher in the apocalypse!

Cut Scene

Obama: (dimly lit and speaking into a cellphone): But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will audit you.

Cut Scene

(The Pope is cowering in an elevator holding his hand in front of him pleadingly as Obama approaches)

The Pope: Please.  No.  It wasn’t political.  It was just religion.

Obama: It was political to me.  Let’s talk about free birth control and that non-profit tax status you like so much….

Reporter: So, you are saying the abortion bill was only political to you? Religion had nothing to do with your support of it at all.

Obama: Religion has no place whatsoever in politics, in my opinion.  Besides, religious stuff is way above my pay grade.

Apparently Obama is miffed that Boehner invited Netanyahu to speak to Congress about the Israel situation without asking for His Excellency’s approval first.  My insiders can tell us why Obama is so upset that Netanyahu will be coming:

• With such late notice, he’ll never have the community organized in time.
• None of the yorkies in his freezer are kosher.
• Just looking at the pictures in The Protocols of the Elders of Zion gave him recurring nightmares.
• He already avoided Paris because he was scared of terrorists, and now this?
• Netanyahu’s visit only violates protocol, and Obama is more interested in violating the Constitution.
• He’s never forgiven the Mossad for the code name they gave him: The Fresh Dunce of DC.
• When he visited Israel, Netanyahu kept photobombing all his selfies.
• He’s pretty sure Netanyahu found out that he wrote “She’s a great girl, and I bet she would have been an Obama supporter” in the Anne Frank House guestbook.
• He’s still embarrassed about when Netanyahu had him over for the Passover Feast, and he sat down in the chair reserved for Elijah and kept commenting to Mrs. Netanyahu that he thought her yeast must have turned cause the bread hadn’t risen.
• Whenever he has met with Netanyahu in the past, Michelle always complained that his balls seem to be deflated below regulation afterwards.
• He doesn’t want Netanyahu to find out he has been working with Bloomberg to draft a new tax on deli meats.
• He’s afraid that Netanyahu found out Obamacare doesn’t cover health risks posed by Qassam rockets or suicide vests.
• He’s never been able to look Netanyahu in the eye since he showed up to his grandson’s Bar Mitvah drunk and kept interrupting the ceremony and singing, ‘Hava nagila, have a tequila’ and ‘If you were a rich man, I would tax you tax you tax you tax you….’
• Jimmy Carter told him recently that Netanyahu finds mixed-race souls particularly tasty.
• He’s always felt uncomfortable around Netanyahu since Benjamin returned the Christmas gift he sent him, a membership in the bacon of the month club and an ipod with Obama reading his favorite passages from the Quran.
• The Mossad traced the Amazon 1-star review of Schindler’s List to Obama’s account, and he fears reprisals.
• Joe’s a big enough menace without the aphrodisiac gum Netanyahu always gives him.
• He’s afraid Netanyahu hasn’t forgiven him yet for slipping his dry cleaning receipt, Snickers wrappers and pocket lint into the Wailing Wall.
• What need is there for him to visit? Didn’t his Presidency already solve all those problems?

Well, as usual, the State of the Union speech was in Progressive code language, and my frontal lobe is too advanced to understand that code, so my man in State got me a version translated into words I can understand.  Here is what Obama really meant to say during the speech. Actually, I just couldn’t take listening to that simp bloviate for an hour, so instead I spent the evening:

• eating bacon, $2.99
• watching American Sniper, $12.50
• being eternally grateful every moment that I wasn’t listening to that speech, priceless

Maddow: We have an exciting program for you today.  In our usual hard-hitting style, we’ve brought in two guests to hash out the Israel-Palestine issue once and for all.  Get the truth out to you from both sides of the conflict.  To speak for the Israeli’s we have actor Alan Cummings.  He’s not a Jew, but he plays one on TV.

Cummings: Well, actually, I am a Jew.

Maddow: You mean, like, in the sense that everyone in Hollywood is kind of an honorary Jew?

Cummings: No, I’m actually Jewish.

Maddow: Really?  I can’t believe that.

Cummings:  Yep, really a Jew.

Maddow:  No, no, no.  Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Cummings: What?

Maddow: And to speak for the Palestinians, we have muslim cleric, Anjem Choudary.  Welcome Anjem.

Anjem: Glad to be here.  And just to make it clear to the viewers at home, I am not a Jew either.

Cummings: But I am a Jew.

Anjem: Come, now.  It was funny the first time, but enough is enough.  No more jokes.  No one would admit to being a cursed, bloodthirsty Jew on live television.

Cummings: Unbelievable! Wait a minute.  That isn’t Anjem Choudary.  It’s Jimmy Carter wearing a fake beard and a funny hat.

Anjem: Jimmy?  Who is this Jimmy you speak of?

Cummings: Is that a Mickey Mouse cap with the ears torn off?  It is.  And it even has Jimmy stitched on the back.

Anjem: Mickey?  Who is this Mickey you speak of?  Sounds infidelish to me.

Maddow: Don’t try and cloud the issue, Alan.  We aren’t here to discuss fashion, and he does have a point.  But let’s ignore that issue for now and just agree to disagree about Mr. Cummings’ Jewishness.  But first, Anjem.  I understand that much of the problem between Hamas in the Gaza Strip and Israel stems from the fact that Hamas refuses to even recognize Israel at all.  What would you have to say to that?

Anjem: The charge is absurd on its face.  Of course we all recognize Israel.  It is easy.  The horns and forked tongue are a dead giveaway.

Cummings: Oi vey!  Must I sit here and listen to this?  I thought we were supposed to have a mature discussion about the conflict.

Anjem: You say you are a Jew.  Prove it to me.  Stick out your tongue.  Stick out your tongue to me.  Let me see your tongue.

Cummings: I am not sticking out my tongue.

Anjem (sticking out tongue): See.  I am willing to stick out my tongue.  Why are you so afraid to stick out yours?

Cummings: This is ridiculous!

Maddow:  I agree.  I agree.  This is a scurrilous charge, calling you a Jew again.

Cummings: But I am a Jew. You are getting it right from the horse’s mouth.  I am a Jew.

Maddow: If you would just stick out your tongue and prove it to us.  Or let me feel under your hair.

Cummings: No, I am not doing that.  Those charges don’t even warrant a response.

Anjem: Ah, his reticence gives him away. Mayhap he is a Jew after all.

Cummings: I already told you I am a Jew. I didn’t come here to be mocked.  The viewers can believe the horse’s mouth or the horse’s ass over there.  Either way, I’ve had enough.  If you will just excuse me…

Maddow: Wait, wait, wait.  Don’t go. I’ll let you have a turn now.  You’ve often spoken out and criticized the way that Hamas is engaging against Israel.  What are your specific beefs about Hamas?

Cummings: Well, aside from the fact that Hamas doesn’t seem to want peace at all, I think the way they wage war is deplorable.  Their militants dress like civilians and attack from under the cover of civilians, using women and children and even babies as human shields.

Anjem (laughing): Do you even hear yourself?  How absurd you sound.  Babies as shields?  Who would use a baby as a shield?  A baby cannot stop a bullet. It would go right through.  Babies are terrible shields.  Might as well use body armor made of marshmallows.

Cummings: Gad, I can’t believe…

Maddow: Let me break in if I may.  I have heard this charge before.  Are you saying Hamas would never use babies as shields?  Are there no instances when baby shields would be viable?

Anjem: Well, certainly not in the context he is speaking of.  Not with modern weapons.  In a knife fight, maybe.  Yeah, I can see that.  A baby can stop a dagger thrust or two, and one can hurl the mewling infant into the face of the enemy of Allah, his light be upon us, to blind one’s opponent.  But we hardly ever engage Jews in knife fights any more. Our experience has been with babies, and toddlers particularly, they are much more effective as bombs than shields.  This charge that we use babies as shields is just baseless.

Cummings: My gosh.  Do you two even know what a human shield is?  Hamas keeps its weapons in hospitals and mosques and schools, knowing that Israel will be hesitant to destroy them because they are surrounded by civilians.  The civilians are a human shield.  That’s what a human shield is.  Your terrorists surround themselves with civilians and hide among civilians and shoot their rockets into Israel.

Anjem: Rockets, rockets, rockets. Israel is always complaining about rockets falling from the sky.  When a rocket falls, they assume it was Hamas.  Such prejudice.  Have they proof of this?  No.

Cummings: When Qassam rockets are fired into Israel from Gaza, it doesn’t take the greatest intelligence in the world to figure out who fired them.

Anjem: See, see. That is the prejudice of which I speak.  Anything bad happens in Israel, it if the fault of Hamas.  When the hard rains fall down upon them, is it the fault of Hamas?  When the sun sends it scorching rays upon them, is it the fault of Hamas?  We cannot fix the sun and the sky for them, though we wish we could.  Our ladders do not suffice.  We cannot reach them, though Allah knows we try.

Cummings: I can’t believe you are trying to create an equivalency between rain falling from the sky and rockets falling from the sky.

Maddow: Now, he does have a point.  There have been documented cases where frogs and fish and other things have fallen from the sky, usually whisked up by strong winds.  Hurricanes have sent vipers raining down upon the suburbs in America.  How do we know these rockets falling on Israel are any different than these?

Cummings: Seriously?  You are seriously suggesting it is possible that rocket attacks are natural weather phenomenon?

Maddow: All things are possible with Allah.

Anjem: I am but a humble messenger of the prophet not a meteorologist.  But for Israel, I will forecast partly cloudy skies with a 45% chance of rocket showers.

Maddow: I’ve always wondered if the rockets were really fired from Gaza.  I’d never considered the possibility of weather phenomena before. Could the winds really be lifting up Israel’s own rockets and dropping them back down on them?  Is Israel missing any rockets?  Could this whole conflict be ended if Israel tied their rockets down better?

Anjem: It is my firm belief that the mighty winds of Allah are hurling Israel’s own rockets at Israel.  The punishments of Allah are fierce and swift.  Like it says in Sura 18: the punishments of Allah are fierce and swift.  But enough of the rockets.  We only wait for the day when the gale winds lift the nuclear bomb from Iran’s grasp and drop it upon Israel like Dorothy’s house was dropped upon the wicked witch, Allah be praised.  But until then, we should be speaking of the war crimes Israel is committing against the people of Gaza.

Cummings: Oh, war crimes like providing them with food and medical treatment and water and electricity.

Maddow: Don’t make me turn off your mic, Alan.  I’ll do it.

Anjem: The horrible war crime of sending women soldiers in to fight us.

Maddow: Are you morally opposed to fighting women then?

Anjem: Oh absolutely not.  But they send these sexy IDF soldiers over looking so hot in their uniforms.  No burkas at all. They are stroking their long, slender guns, and their camos are hugging their luscious lady lumps, so reminiscent of the two voluptuous humps on the back of my camel, only less furry.  It is like dangling meat before a hungry dog.  Civilians and militants are killing each other just to get a better glimpse of the unholy hotties.  The devastation is worse than explosives.  And then they blame us for the lust driven frenzy.

Maddow (squirming in her seat): I know the very thought of them is driving me crazy right now.

Cummings:  Now that is just plain stupid.

Anjem:  Oh, no.  They know what they are doing.  They are doing this on purpose.  Why else would they be sending the weaker sex into battle? If you cannot trust their testimony in court, how could you trust them with a gun? Do they even know which way to point it?  It is absurd to think that they are real soldiers.  I mean, come on.  Women fighting against our trained mujahedeen?

Cummings: Woman soldiers?  Really?  That is not the issue at all.  Let’s talk about the terror tunnels.  If Hamas wants peace so badly, why are they wasting all this time and all these resources building tunnels under the border to sneak terrorists into Israel?

Anjem: Have you ever tried the Rafah Crossing during rush hour?  Of course we need a better way into Israel, Allah willing.

Cummings: You really expect us to believe that Hamas made all those tunnels because of bad traffic?

Anjem: Oh no, Allah forbid.  Hamas did not build those tunnels.  We only built bomb shelters to protect the innocent Palestinians from Israel’s atrocities.  Israel then made the tunnels from their side and connected them to our bomb shelters.

Maddow: I’d never heard that before.  I guess western media never gets these things right seeing as the Jews control us and all.  That actually makes a lot of sense.  I can imagine Israel seething over the thought of some Palestinians being protected from their air strikes and drones.  This way they can send the IDF right into your bomb shelters.  Brilliant!  No one is safe from Israel’s assault that way.

Anjem: I just give Allah the praise that Hamas realized that Israel had desecrated our shelters with their tunnels.  They really do want to exterminate us.  They just need a pretext to kill civilians, so they make up any one they think the gullible west will believe.

Maddow:  Clearly.  It’s deplorable.  If that guy over there were really a Jew, I’d give you a bag of rocks and turn off the cameras for a few minutes. Swift Palestinian justice.

Cummings: I have never heard anything so absurd in my life.  Hamas, not Israel, built those tunnels.  And they built them so they could sneak terrorists into the civilian areas of Israel.  They used them to kill two soldiers and kidnap Galid Shalit.

Anjem: Enough of these accusations.  This is only one more example of Israel blaming Hamas for everything that happens.  Shalit defected.  The other soldiers tried to stop him.

Cummings: That is insane.  He did not defect.  We have video and photos of him in Hamas captivity.  Hamas admitted holding him.

Anjem: Lies.  Israeli actors.  All staged and made by the Jew-controlled Hollywood.  Those charges you make are as blasphemous, Allah curse them, as they are unfounded.   Why would Hamas do such a thing?

Cummings: Oh, I don’t know.  Maybe for the same reasons they have terrorists make attacks from hospitals and use ambulances to transport their terrorists about.

Anjem: Well, of course we like to have our people hang out around hospitals and ride in ambulances.  Israel is trying to kill them. They need to be as close to the hospital as they can be. It is self-preservation.  If they had to wait for an ambulance to show up, they would never survive.  Would that all Palestinians had an ambulance to ride in, Allah smile upon them.

Maddow: Especially given the gridlock on the Rafah Crossing.

Anjem: Exactly.

Cummings: I can’t believe what I am hearing.  This is just plain silly.

Anjem: Believe it. Israel is waging a war to exterminate the Palestinians and wipe Gaza off the map.  It is clear to all whom Allah has given eyes to see. We have proof that they have used the terror tunnels they built to smuggle in aphrodisiac chewing gum and gave it to Palestinian school children to make them all promiscuous.  They have sent trained sharks into our waters to kill our people.  They have been lacing our vaccinations with infertility drugs to sterilize our people. They have been sending us melons infected with AIDS and many other insidious things, and I really believe they are going to use the terror tunnels to kidnap Palestinian children to use as sacrifice in their unholy Passover rituals.

Maddow: Those are some serious charges. I’ll give you the last word, Alan.

Cummings (speaking and gesturing, but there is no audio)

Maddow: I guess his silence says it all. I think we can all agree that the best solution is to just get rid of Israel.  But that is all the time we have for this now.  After the break, we will continue our discussions with Anjem, and he will explain to us how Obamacare is supported not only by the Bible but by the Quran.

Anjem: There are some very interesting Suras about that, especially justifying how appropriate it was to lie in order to get it to pass.

Maddow: See you after the break.  (speaking to her producer): And you are sure we can put in the horns and forked tongue during editing?  Glowing eyes too?  Really? Great!  Wait.  Is this mic still live?

Maddow: What we have for you right now is an MSNBC exclusive. You won’t hear this anywhere else.

Matthews: My thigh’s tingling already. This is a really exciting find, folks.

Maddow: Right you are. Very exciting. Our sources have managed to get their hands on a tape recording of a meeting among some top level Al Qaeda terrorists. We have a whistleblower in the State Department who leaked us this tape. The Obama administration is livid. They have been pressuring us and threatening us not to air this recording, but you know us. We don’t let anyone in this administration push us around.

Matthews: You got that right. We’re nobody’s lapdogs.

Maddow: Absolutely. No matter how much the public pressured us, we did not cave and show the Charlie Hebdo cartoons. We kept our heads about it and our integrity.  Now, we have the source of the tape in the studio with us today. He has…

Matthews: Or she.

Maddow: Yes, or she, has agreed to speak to us about this tonight anonymously. His or her face will be blurred, and his or her voice will be disguised to protect his or her anonymity. Welcome to the studio today.

Kerry: Glad to be here.

Matthews: So, Secretary of State Kerry, how did you come by this tape we are about to hear?

Kerry: It came to me in the mail. It was postmarked Washington DC, so I suspect it came from one of our local spies. It was clearly encrypted, and it was beyond the ability of our code breakers to crack.  So I took it straight to the President.  He took one look at it, rushed to the White House basement and proceeded to build a Turing Machine which decoded the tape, translating it first to Arabic and then to English so I could understand it as well.  We’ve had it authenticated, and it does appear to be a genuine record of part of a meeting of top level terrorists that, based upon the context, appear to have been involved in planning the Charlie Hebdo attack along with many, many others.

Maddow: Interesting. Interesting.

Matthews: Truly fascinating. Look at my leg. I can’t control it. Quick, play the tape before I swoon.

Kerry: Now, I want to emphasize that the administration feels this tape should be classified, and it contains information the President doesn’t want the public to know about, but I feel that this really isn’t a secret we should be keeping. That’s why I am defying him and going out on a limb and bringing this to you anonymously this evening.

Matthews: You are a true patriot, sir. You were a patriot when you served on the Swift Boats in Vietnam, and you are a patriot today.

Maddow: Well, let’s just play the tape. It has been translated into English so we can all understand it. I believe the characters in the piece are voiced by Matt Damon, Pee Wee Herman and Gilbert Gottfried in the roles of Mohammad 1, Mohammad 2 and Mohammad 3, respectively. Roll the tape.

Mohammad 1: What, he didn’t show up to the rally?  Un-freaking-believable.  OMA, what is it going to take to outfox this weasel?

Mohammad 2: Seriously. We plan the entire Charlie Hebdo attack expressly to lure that devil Obama out into the open.

Mohammad 1: Lure him to the inevitable rally of world leaders so we could take advantage of the cowardly and incompetent French security team and destroy that wily bastard Obama once and for all.

Mohammad 2: Yes, yes. It was perfect. So perfect even the rocks were prepared to call out to us, “Quick, Obama is hiding behind me. Come and kill him.” An easy kill, like a scimitar through the vertebrae of a Jew.

Mohammad 3: But where was he? He was not there.

Mohammad 2: How did he know not to show up? He is as omniscient as he is beautiful. Truly he has learned much at the madrassa as a child.

Mohammad 1: Yes, he knows our ways better than we know them ourselves.

Mohammad 2: But at least the attack on America will leave them reeling.

Mohammad 3: What? Have you not heard?

Mohammad 1: Alas, but there is more.

Mohammad 2: What?

Mohammad 3: Instead of going to Paris at the rally…

Mohammad 2: No. He didn’t. Tell me my fears are not so.

Mohammad 3: He went to the NFL division championships.

Mohammad 1:  Where we had the attack planned?

Mohammad 2: How did he know? Surely our brothers he released from GITMO who have returned to us could not be his spies. I won’t believe it. So how does he always know what we are planning?

Mohammad 3: We do not know.  His ways are as mysterious to us as are the ways of Allah.  But he thwarted the attack.  He found and deactivated the bombs.  Our operatives were able to tell us that much before…

Mohammad 2: Where are the operatives?

Mohammad 1: No one knows.  All we know for sure is the bombs didn’t go off, and we have heard nothing else from our agents.  Mohammads 4-13 are out of touch.  We have to assume they were captured.

Mohammad 2: By Mohammad’s beard!

Mohammad 1: We have to believe he will get them to talk. We’ll need to scrap all our plans and start over.

Mohammad 3: Of course he got them to talk. That chocolate skin, those smooth brown eyes, that velvet voice so full of hope it could charm young Aisha from the loving arms of the Prophet himself. Who could resist telling him everything?

Mohammad 2: Alas, he speaks with the silver tongue of Satan himself. We are powerless against his charms.  Thank Allah he is an infidel, for were he to enter paradise, our virgins would abandon us all.

Mohammad 1: And just like with all the other attacks he thwarted single handedly, he was too modest to even let the attempted attack be reported in the press. Just like with all the other attacks we have attempted under his watch.  All those bombs we placed in Martha’s Vineyard…

Mohammad 3: And Hawaii.

Mohammad 1: And those fundraisers in Hollywood.

Mohammad 3: And Las Vegas.

Mohammad 1: And those attacks upon the heart of America.

Mohammad 3: On the great, green symbol of evil.

Mohammad 1: On the manicured lawns of the Great Satan himself.

Mohammad 3: Yes, our attacks on the golf courses of America. Armed with nothing but a golf cart and a set of clubs, he thwarted them all without a peep.  Sometimes as many as two or three plots a week.

Mohammad 2: I cannot believe it. He is always two steps, no three steps, no a horizon of steps ahead of us. I do not want to believe it is our GITMO brothers, but…..But what of the most recent attack. The one at the golf course in Hawaii. The one with the fake wedding party we could blow up and blame their deaths on the drones. Tell me that one succeeded.

Mohammad 1: Thwarted as well.

Mohammad 2 (keening)

Mohammad 3: He even deactivated the flower girl’s back up bomb before the dress rehearsal even started.

Mohammad 1: Not even the great devil George Bush has caused us such pain and humiliation. Surely this man in the White House is no man. The man is a devil……and an Adonis. Selflessly serving. He is too true and humble to take credit.  It is much too important to let the Americans think that we are not a threat at all. Does a devil act thus? I hate him, yet my heart wishes to submit.

Mohammad 2: No, you must not speak such things.

Mohammad 1: No. He is right. We have no chance against this mastermind! This beautiful, scintillating mastermind. Surely, Dar al Islam is dwarfed by the magnificence of Dar al Obama.

Mohammad 3: I give up.  I am a Christian now.

Mohammad 1: Me too.

Mohammad 2: Very well. I too now see that he is indeed the One. Let us sneak across the border and take advantage of the amnesty.  We can sell used cars or maybe open a falafel truck.

Mohammad 3 (singing): Onward Christian Soldiers marching as to war…..

Mohammad 2: Maybe we could bomb some abortion clinics. I’d hate to think all those years of sodomy were a waste.

(Tape ends)

Maddow: Wow.  Just wow. With dialog that bad, you know it has to be real.  George Lucas’ protégé couldn’t pen a more stilted exchange.

Matthews (tingling too hard to speak)

Kerry:  I think is it even more powerful when you hear it the native tongue.  Let me just read a little of it in Arabic.  ‘Y-bay, Ohammad’s-may eard-bay.  Y-bay, Ohammad’s-may eard-bay.’

Matthews (screeching)

Maddow (cringing): Never before has that dark tongue rung within these hallowed halls.

Kerry: I do not apologize.  Were it not for Obama, you would hear it from sea to shining sea and over purple mountains majesty. It is so chilling.  While I was visiting Fallujah during the war, I recall hearing those same words chanted by mobs.  It is seared….seared into my memory.

Maddow: I think this just goes to show how effective this administration has been preventing terror at home and abroad.  But I don’t really understand why Obama doesn’t want this to get out.

Kerry: Obama isn’t a lover of violence.  He doesn’t want his legacy to be that of a warrior but as a peacemaker and a unifier.  The work he does, as unpalatable as it may be to him, he does selflessly out of love. He wants no recognition or award.

Maddow: Truly a great, great man.  And it also just goes to prove the point I have been espousing for years.  When you fight terror, you just create more Christian terrorists. But that will be a topic for another show once we have digested all this.  And now it is time for a word from our sponsor.  After the break, we have the follow up to the story about the bartender, probably a Christian, who plotted to poison John Boehner’s drink.  He is in the studio with us where he will share his research about where GOP congressmen hang out to unwind and what poisons mix undetectably with which alcoholic beverages served there.  Stay tuned.

President Obama made the following proclamation deep within the sand trap of the 13^th hole:

“The Oxford University Press has taken a bold step forward today that I think we should emulate here at home. They have warned their authors not to mention pigs or pork in their books to avoid offending muslims. At last the voice of reason is prevailing. The OUP has understood the folly inherent in plunging ones hands deep into the den of an asp. Can one blame the asp for biting the hands thus thrust? The nature of the asp is known and will not change. The asp wants only peace, yet we keep jabbing it with a pointed stick.  Taking steps such as those the OUP is suggesting are the simplest way for our government to satisfy the constitutional mandate to provide for the common defence against attacks by these peaceful followers of the Prophet.  Therefore, by executive order I am mandating the following:

• All books mentioning pork or anything else that may offend a muslim will be banned or edited to be inoffensive.
• All pork related products such as lard, sausage, pork chops, ham, bacon and all products that may appear porcine, such as turkey bacon, turkey hot dogs or Lena Dunham, will be banned.
• Bibles within churches or homes will be replaced with an inoffensive copy of the Quran. Since all religions teach the same thing, hardly anyone will even notice.
• Non-muslim churches will lose their tax exempt status.
• All episodes of Girls will be digitally enhanced to add burkas as necessary.
• Common Core education curriculum will now include an in depth study of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion.
• The season finale to The Affair will be reshot to include the stoning scene.
• Regardless of their religious beliefs or affiliations, crane operators will not be allowed to refuse to participate during the after-hangings at gay weddings.
• Obamacare will be amended to require all health plans to cover the mandatory female circumcision.
• Women admitting to being raped on campus without three additional eyewitnesses will be stoned.
• Women admitting to being raped on campus with three additional eyewitnesses will be stoned, and the rapist will receive a demerit.
• Matt Stone and Trey Parker will be beheaded for Team America and South Park and for briefly considering Quran the Musical.
• Ramadan will now end officially each year with the federally observed Running of the Jews.
• New 1040 forms will include a box for filers to indicate whether they would like to submit to Allah.
• Courts will be instructed to accept the new Honor Killing defense.
• All smartphones are now required to come with the Call to Prayer ap hard coded into the operating system. Five times a day the ap will play the call to prayer and administer an electrical shock sufficient to bring even the hardiest infidel to his knees.
• Legal marriage age will be reduced to 6.

I firmly believe that taking these steps will greatly assist the religion of peace to live up to its peaceful reputation, Allah willing. So let it be written. So let it be done.”

(AP) – Sounding much like their Democrat counterparts, GOP Senators Hatch, Inhofe and Thune have been considering raising the federal gasoline tax in the wake of the rapid decline of gas prices nationwide.  “With gasoline prices at lows not seen since 2009,” Senator Inhofe has said, “now is the ideal time to raise the tax on gas.  People have become accustomed to the higher gas prices and have budgeted for it. Now that the prices have dropped, they can afford to pay their fair share to upkeep our nation’s highway system.”

“Nothing is off the table,” Senator Hatch commented.  “I don’t know why anyone would complain about this.  The American citizens didn’t do anything to drive down the price of gasoline.  They did nothing to earn this sudden windfall of money.  Is it really too much to ask them to give back some of this undeserved cash?  I can’t believe Americans are that selfish.”

Senator Thune, however, felt that raising the tax on gasoline didn’t go far enough.  “There are many occasions when the American public benefits economically without warrant.  When they head over to Super Target or Smith’s Marketplace to stock up during their annual case lot sale, they are getting quite the bargain and are saving quite a bit of money.  They did nothing to earn this savings.  Isn’t it just to expect them to spread these savings around for the greater good?  That is why I am proposing that all such undeserved income be considered windfall profits and be taxed appropriately.  I propose that anytime someone pays less than the MSRP for any product, those savings will be considered windfall gains and taxed at 75%.  The citizen gets to keep 25%of this unearned income, so what do they have to complain about?  Savings from coupons will also be taxed at 75% except for on double-coupon Tuesday when the extra savings will be taxed at 90%.  Kohl’s cash, being illegal currency in my opinion, will be justly confiscated and turned over to the congressmen’s wives and mistresses for disposal.”

When Speaker of the House John Boehner was asked his opinion about this, he merely said, “We have to pay for President Obama’s executive amnesty somehow.  Illegal immigrants can’t be expected to pay for themselves.  In addition, it is anticipated the oversight of these new taxes would create on the order of 10,000 jobs in the IRS, and in this economy, we need all the jobs we can get.  If the CBO calculations are correct, these new taxes will almost cover the salaries of these new federal employees (not counting benefits, of course), and those are the kind of budget numbers I can stand behind.  It would likely also require that all retailers hire additional accountants and software/capital equipment to comply with collecting these new taxes, and that would cost the government nothing, and that’s a win in my book.”

When asked to comment, Rand Paul merely shook his head forlornly and tossed Hatch, Inhofe and Thune into the Boston Harbor.

My man in State has come through for me again and has the real reasons why Obama didn’t attend or send anyone to the rally in France to support the victims of the terrorist attack there. Here they are:

• His Magic 8-Ball said, “Try again.” He tried it again, and it said, “Allahu akbar.” He spent the rest of the day hiding under his bed.
• Michelle wouldn’t let him go because French food contains too much saturated fat.
• He always felt France’s unofficial flag, the white flag of surrender, was racist.
• He let Joe handle the itinerary and ended up in Paris, Idaho.
• French poodle isn’t his favorite. Kind of stringy.
• He thought it was just another one of those racist Tea Party astoturf events.
• He sent a delegation of GITMO detainees instead.
• Since his reelection, whenever he goes to world events, the other leaders make him sit at the little petty dictator table.
• He’s never been able to forgive the French for giving us the Statue of Liberty.
• Escargot is murder.
• He was afraid he might offend ISIS.
• They won’t even let him speak at European events anymore.  They just say if he can’t say anything worth the carbon dioxide, don’t say anything at all.
• He finally found out what the French President’s nickname for him, La Tete de Merde, meant.
• African American artists are underrepresented in the Louvre.
• He wasn’t invited.

Biden: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the premier of MSNBCs new game show, Muslim or Not a Muslim. I’m your host, Creepy Joe Biden, and that gosh darn little cutey over there in her bikini is my lovely assistant Missy. Why don’t you come over here and give me a little hug and kiss, Missy? No? Ok, I’ll get you later after the show in your dressing room. Don’t give me that look. You know I will. We have a lot of fun around here, folks, but on with the show. The game is simple, I will name something, and the contestants must guess whether it is muslim or not. Over to my left is the lovely Ms. Lena Dunham performing her version of the dance of the seven veils. And you may note that she is clothed in nothing but those seven veils. Thank goodness they are sufficiently opaque. Every time a contestant gives me a wrong answer, they must remove one of the veils from Ms. Dunham. When all the veils have been removed from Ms. Dunham, the contestant with the fewest veils prevails. Missy, what lovely prize will our winner receive today?

Missy (brandishes a set of long knives and machetes)

Announcer: Our victor today will walk away with this rugged set of Ginsu knives from the Jihadi Choice Collection. Ginsu knives, made from high quality stainless steel, have blades that won’t be stopped by mere sinew and bone, and their textured rubber grip won’t slip no matter how bloody it gets. The Ginsu name is synonymous with durability and a well-honed edge that lasts a lifetime.  It can saw through a nail and still sever an infidel’s neck like this. Ginsu knives, the Jihadi’s choice.

Biden: Thank you, Missy. And as an added bonus today, the winner will get to try out those Ginsu knives by beheading the loser. But before we begin, let’s get to know our contestants a little bit. First, we have Barack Obama. Barack, take a second and tell us about yourself. It says here that you grew up overseas.

Obama: Yes, Joe. African born and raised. No, wait. Hawaii. Hawaii is overseas right? You can’t trick me that easy.

Biden: Oh no, you are way too smart for me. Of course, I’m often told that everyone is way too smart for me. But your turn, Howard Dean, why don’t you tell us something about yourself?

Dean: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Biden: Well then, let’s get this game started. Ok, first question. Muslim or not a muslim? The muslim terrorists that attacked Charlie Hebdo.

Dean (buzzes): Not a muslim. Definitely not a muslim. They were a religious cult entirely unrelated to Islam.

Biden: No, Howard. I’m sorry to say that they were self-proclaimed muslims.

Obama (buzzes): Not a muslim.

Biden: I’m sorry, Barack, but you buzzed in too late, and I already said the correct answer was muslim. So, if each of you would please remove one of the veils from the jiggling and gyrating Ms. Dunham, one for each of you. That’s it.  My, oh my. I’m thinking the burka is a better and better idea the longer this game goes on. Only five veils left. Next question. Muslim or not a muslim? The muslim terrorists that flew planes into the World Trade Center.

Dean (buzzes): I know. I know. I’m pretty sure they were Texans and Jews. Not a muslim.

Biden: Oh, I’m sorry. The correct answer was muslim.

Dean: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Biden: So that is one more veil for you, leaving only four, and now I’m even sorrier. A bag is just not enough.  Someone, please get the next one right.

Obama (shaking his buzzer): Racism!

Biden: You didn’t buzz in, and you are too late again anyway, Barack. And, I’m sorry, but racism isn’t always the answer.

Obama: But he is a white devil. These questions are culturally biased.

Biden: Whatever. Get ready for the next question. Here it comes. Muslim or not muslim? The muslim Boston Marathon bombers.

Dean (buzzes): I got this one.  Not a muslim.  They are about as muslim as I am.

Biden: Oh, wrong again. One more veil for you.

Dean: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Biden: Don’t worry, Howard. It’s a 50/50 chance. You’ll get one eventually.

Obama (chewing on his buzzer): I don’t think my buzzer is working.

Biden: No, you push it. You push the button to buzz in. We went over this in practice. We do not put the buzzer in our mouth. That’s right. Take it out. Push it.

Obama (buzzes): Bill Ayers!

Biden: A terrorist but not a muslim. But that was not the question.

Obama: But I want a veil.

Biden: Fine. It was a wrong answer. Take a veil. Only two veils left, and Barack maintains a small lead. This next question could decide it all. OK. Muslim or not a muslim? Gandhi.

Dean (buzzes): Oh, anytime I think of Gandhi, I think of peace. Definitely muslim.

Biden: And you are correct. No, wait. My producer is talking into my earpiece. Turns out Gandhi was not a muslim after all. Gandhi was in fact Ben Kingsley. Wow, that was surprising.  I guess this just goes to show that sometimes even the host can get it wrong. And that is one more veil for Howard. And with no veils remaining, that is the game. Howard is the infidel and Barack the victor.

Obama: But there is still one veil left.

Biden: No there isn’t.

Obama: Yes there is. I can see it right there, waving around seductively in that undulating sea of cellulite.

Biden: Trust me, you do not want to remove that last veil. One veil? Zero veils? It’s still more accurate than your jobs numbers.

Obama: Ok, ok.

Biden: Missy, bring out his prize and hold Howard down good and tight.

Dean: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!

Biden: Oh, hush you.  You signed the waiver.  You knew what you were getting into.  No, Missy, that isn’t going to hold him steady at all.  Here, let me help. How about I just wrap my arms around your waist and nuzzle your ear a bit. My, your hair smells so good.  Is that Juicy Fruit or Fruit Stripe I smell?  It’s so close I can almost taste it on your breath.  There, that should help keep him down. Ok, Barack. Do the honors. Oh my, well this is a first. Barack has accidentally beheaded himself. That’s all for this show. Until next week, this is President Biden signing out. (whispering) Missy, you know I’m in the need for an intern for the summer. When does your junior high let out?

AP – The USDA recently announced that its new nutrition guidelines will not only consider the nutritional value of its recommended diet but its environmental impact as well. Consumption of beef will be considered bad because raising cattle is considered worse for the environment than raising pigs and chickens, for instance. Insiders within the USDA indicate that this recommendation is only a first step towards eventually switching over to a diet that is 100% environmentally friendly.

Dweezil Moonchild, an insider whom we lied to about protecting her anonymity, had the following to say, “It is an exciting time for our Mother Earth. At last we are beginning to take measures to protect Her from the ravages of human blight. The immoral imprisonment of livestock for consumption is just the first step. Nonorganic farming is poison, destroying the land and ourselves, but organic farming is no panacea. Organic farming has a huge carbon footprint compared to nonorganic farming, and it is grossly inefficient and harmful to our Mother. Any time we humans raise our hoes to the soil, we do violence to our Mother. We are raping our Mother. That should not be. Our Mother will bring forth in abundance if we will just allow her. I am currently drafting the next generation of nutritional guidelines that will require us to eschew cultivated foods for food that is purely gathered from our Mother herself. ”

John Mackey, co-founder and co-CEO of Whole Foods has commented on this trend. He said, “We at Whole Foods have always been cognizant of both good nutrition and a clean environment. In anticipation of these future recommendations, we will not only be providing our healthy organic food line, but we will be adding a healthy and environmentally friendly line of gathered food as well. This line will not include any foods that are intentionally cultivated. It will only include foods that are naturally gathered. They will be hand gathered by our cadre of trained squirrels, primates and primitives imported from Brazil or other jungles. Top notch, natural gatherers. To keep the environmental impact low, gathered food will not be tainted by travel using any modern vehicles. Across land, they will be carried by backpacks woven from hemp, and across sea, the food will be lovingly and capably transported by African swallows. When appropriate, they will grip the food by the husk. The price for this food, of course, will naturally skyrocket. We will need to pay more for our arugula, but can we really put a price on our health and the environment?”

When asked how he thought it would be logistically possible to feed the whole world through food gathering, Dweezil replied, “Admittedly, there will be some growing pains, and it might take a while for everything to equilibrate, but we have to put our trust in our Mother. In the short run, the new food pyramid will rest upon the firm foundation of cannibalism. Since all meat is murder anyway, and there will be no shortage of starving humans, who are a pox upon the earth, there should be plenty to eat until the population settles into a nice sustainable level.  We elect who remain can then live in harmony on our garden, paradise earth. Gaia be praised.”

(Press conference on the terrorist attack on Charlie Hebdo already in progress)

Obama: Would it be okay if I just finish eating my waffles right now?

Press: Officials and witnesses at the scene seem completely convinced that this was a terrorist attack on the French satire magazine. What is your opinion?

Obama: Let me be perfectly clear. If you like your magazine you can keep your magazine. Period. If you like your satire, you can keep your satire. Period.

Press: Follow up. Let’s bring the issue closer to home. What would be your reaction if such an attack happened on American soil, say for instance, Frank J of IMAO were beheaded by ‘alleged’ terrorists for an offensive Muslim joke or the offensive display of a T-shirt babe rather than a burka babe?

Obama: Oh, well that kind of satire is actionable, of course. And that kind of blatant display of female flesh is like putting a steak in front of a dog. We, uh, I mean ISIS, had to block that site cause each time our, I mean their, mujahideen happened upon it they got so riled up they’d ululate, waste ammunition on the sky and finally resort to hustling gimpily down to the goat pen. Curse IMAO and Frank J! I’d send in my own cell if I could only find that wily bastard. Stormed his Idaho safe house, and he was already gone.  Lerner isn’t keeping close enough tabs on him, it seems, or maybe she lost that e-mail.  But anyway, I meant we need to protect legitimate satire not the kind that makes fun of me and my side. A cartoon with George Bush depicted as a bungling monkey is hilarious, but one of me? Death to the infidels, I say. Taking that site down wouldn’t be an act of terrorism but one of patriotism.

Press: Some have been claiming that the ‘alleged’ terrorists have al qaeda ties. What is your reaction to that?

Obama: Once again, let me be perfectly clear.

Press: Ok, then, how do you account for the fact that the ‘alleged terrorists’ were shouting ‘allahu akbar’ during the attack?

Obama: Well, I don’t speak French, so I really don’t know what they were saying. Wait a minute, my linguist is telling me that he believes the dialect is from the slums of Tatooine. Roughly translated it means ‘death to General Akbar.’ I’m sensing there was some discontent with the Star Wars trailer at the Paris Comic Con. Again, most Muslim unrest seems to be centered around videos of some sort. Princess Leia really should have been wearing a burka instead of that sexy slave outfit. Really appalling.

Press: What do you think are the implications of the shooting of the police officers? Will that do more to raise a public outrage against this attack?

Obama: Were the officers white?

Press: I do believe so.

Obama: Well, this is clearly a case of the ‘alleged’ terrorists being harassed by the fuzz for the mere act of militarily assaulting a ‘target’ while being swarthy. It’s tantamount to racial profiling, really. Just because you were an innocent Muslim in the vicinity with an automatic rifle, it doesn’t necessarily follow that you are part of the assault. It’s just part of the culture. The police quite likely started a firefight with innocent bystanders. I won’t say any more on this topic, but I do believe the cops may well have had it coming. I would like to reiterate once again, that the primary problem we’re faced with here is France’s unsatisfactory gun control laws. And considering France’s increasing Muslim population, I would recommend that they also institute stricter machete, kitchen knife, cleaver, bludgeon, bomb, garrote, black jack, baseball bat, ice pick, 2 X 4, hammer, shiv, dagger, scimitar, stone, pointed stick, children’s scissors, fingernail clipper, exacto-knife and 3.5 oz size liquid bottle control laws as well. That is all the time I have. I leave you with Susan Rice. She will show you the offensive Star Wars trailer and the equally offensive prequels before taking further questions. But I would like to assure you that the situation is under control. Swat teams have been sent to apprehend George Lucas from his heavily guarded compound, and I have summoned Carrie Fisher to my chambers for interrogation and ankle inspection. She will tell me where George has hidden his rebel base, or I will turn her over to Bill for a little renditioning.  I will keep you posted.  Thank you.