My man in State has come through for me again and has the real reasons why Obama didn’t attend or send anyone to the rally in France to support the victims of the terrorist attack there. Here they are:

• His Magic 8-Ball said, “Try again.” He tried it again, and it said, “Allahu akbar.” He spent the rest of the day hiding under his bed.
• Michelle wouldn’t let him go because French food contains too much saturated fat.
• He always felt France’s unofficial flag, the white flag of surrender, was racist.
• He let Joe handle the itinerary and ended up in Paris, Idaho.
• French poodle isn’t his favorite. Kind of stringy.
• He thought it was just another one of those racist Tea Party astoturf events.
• He sent a delegation of GITMO detainees instead.
• Since his reelection, whenever he goes to world events, the other leaders make him sit at the little petty dictator table.
• He’s never been able to forgive the French for giving us the Statue of Liberty.
• Escargot is murder.
• He was afraid he might offend ISIS.
• They won’t even let him speak at European events anymore.  They just say if he can’t say anything worth the carbon dioxide, don’t say anything at all.
• He finally found out what the French President’s nickname for him, La Tete de Merde, meant.
• African American artists are underrepresented in the Louvre.
• He wasn’t invited.